It was nearly one year ago I received probably the best feedback I have ever received.

Wow, I bet you're a real joy [emphasis his] to live with. You're angry. Your wife is angry. And that anger spills over and manifests in both of your interactions with your son too. ... Focus on controlling yourself emotionally. Personal emotional transformation takes the longest, because the battle is won within. It's difficult to control your emotions when they've dictated your actions for so long. But you've got two choices: either you control your emotions, or they control you.

(That it came from u/rocknrollchuck should be no surprise; thanks man!)

This comment led to me spewing my bullshit.

Before I continue, let me be clear: I am not a doctor, psychologist, etc. Nor, have I mastered my emotions by any means. It is a daily struggle.

Just a few weeks ago I flipped off a guy who was yelling at me on the road. He had his son with him. I mention this because of how I felt immediately after versus how I may have felt one year ago. One year ago I likely would've kept this bottled up. Along with other sources of anger and frustration of the day, week, month, ..., this certainly would boil over into me blasting my wife or son, overreacting to something irrelevant.

Now, I simply acknowledged my actions and forgave myself. What led me to flipping the guy off? He yelled something out his window. Why? I was honking my horn relentlessly at the car in front of me. Why? She wasn't paying attention to the green light she had been given. This pissed me off.

This doesn't make me less human. I made two mistakes and this is okay. "Let's work on that," I thought to myself. I practiced self-compassion.

Compassion is realizing that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the human experience. Self-compassion is applying that to you. We don't ignore the anger and pain or judge it relentlessly. Instead, we give care and try to provide understanding for it, just as we would someone we love. I honked my horn because I hate driving down that road to get home but it's the quickest route home. I can either accept it or choose a different route or a different home or a different job or a different city...

This week's OYS's have several indications of low or no self-compassion. A few:

It scares me that I have so much potential but will never be able to gain a career in what drives me.

 

I...take my anger (which is with myself) and project it out to easy targets.

 

Not satisfied with how I handle distractions.

 

I realized how far this guy has come in his career and how I could have easily gone the same route had I not...

 

I am holding onto a lot of anger and it’s burning me more than anybody else.

 

I'm tired of working in a job that doesn't make me feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose

 

The fact that...I'm still so far away from where I want to be makes me really angry.

 

digging into the past is painful

 

None of this is to suggest these author's lack self-compassion or that it is an issue. These are just merely indications of potential within them and you.

I became aware of self-compassion in October, 2019, while listening to Dan Harris' Ten Percent podcast (episode #209). The guest was Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion. Dr. Neff defined her moment of insight realizing,

If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.

Kind of sounds like a covert contract, doesn't it?

I took a self-compassion test she offers on her website (no personal information required). My results were...eesh. Just on self-kindness, I scored 1.2 out of 5 (5 being high self-compassion). That's okay.

These were statements such as:

  • I'm disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies. (Fairly often)

  • I can be a bit cold-hearted towards myself when I'm experiencing suffering. (Almost always)

  • When I see aspects of myself that I don't like, I get down on myself. (Fairly often)

I scored high on Self-Judgment, Isolation and Over-Identification. I'd soon learn the scale is reversed for these categories; the higher the score, the lower the self-compassion.

My overall score was 1.76. I fucking suck. That's okay! Room to grow.

How do we become more self-compassionate? The first step is becoming aware of the situation. Many of us come in here realizing we've been fucking our lives up for years, become upset as we learn this is our fault, and start beating ourselves up over it. You may even exasperate this further by comparing your stories to those of others.

That's one of the things I love about OYS; I want to be raw and unfiltered; this is truth. As I grow, learn, and mature, I can read over things I wrote n-weeks ago and recognize things I may not have seen immediately. Others may help us.

After awareness, don't grade yourself. Don't pass judgment. Do keep things in a common perspective. We all are going through a learning process; every single one of us. Maybe I'm just not meant to be a programmer. This is okay. Maybe I'm not mean to be a swing trader. This is okay. What else happened that day on the road that led to that event? That's okay.

Recognize it is perfectly acceptable and understandable to not be perfect or good. Recognize it is comforting to fail. Recognize suffering is part of the life experience. Do not pity yourself. Do not indulge your misery. Pity and indulgence are drugs to inhibit growth. Be aware and accepting the pain you feel.

By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation.

What are you angry about today? Can you forgive yourself? Are you willing to say, "that's okay"?