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Texting and investment in potential helpmeet

Reddit View
November 4, 2019
2 upvotes

24 y/o male. In grad school. Working two part time jobs. I lift 4 times a week for ~40 min each. 6’2”, 152lb, 1-2% body fat, leading book club, creating events at church and hosting them, etc. (not sure if I hit all the stats... oh well).

Met a chick at church and shared the faith with her and may have come on too strong at the beginning. Long and the short of it, I invited her back to church this past weekend (she is already Christian, just exploring churches) and she joined me. After the service, we chatted a bit and then a group of my other friends joined us and we all talked for a bit; random stuff of no depth. She told me that she went out to a Halloween party the night before and she showed me her costume (a White Claw drink; comes into play later). She carried one of the service books with her outside where we were all chatting and she didn't know where to put it, so I took it back inside for her when she offered it to me (beta move on my part... I should have invited her along and showed her where to put it... oh well, learned for next time). Long and the short of it, she thanked me for inviting her and then left after a bunch of small-talk and conversing with everyone. Later that day I sent a flirtatious text with a picture of me and a pumpkin I carved and said "My question is, can you carve a pumpkin better than me "White Claw"? considering she showed me her costume and I thought that it would play off of our prior conversation at church. She read it and had no reply. So this was yesterday... I then was listening to a podcast on The End Times this morning and it reminded me of a conversation we had the first time she visited my church, so I sent it to her today. So I double texted with a little less than a day in between. No reply today yet. Low enough investment that I’m not wasting my time, but enough investment to show her I’m “assuming attraction”.

So, my question is mainly, is it wrong to text like that considering it may have come on too strong without major prior flirting beforehand that day, or not?

I invited her to two events I planned: one is a book club I'm leading (she said she wouldn't be coming to that) and the other is a question the Priest night (which she said she would be interested in and coming to). This was prior to my text with the picture/etc. - Not sure if I came on too strong with the flirtatious text and ruined that opportunity for evangelization. Trying to invite potential help-mates to events I have already planned is my goal in that I’m not wasting my time in doing so, but the texting in between asking them to those events is where I’m wondering how to proceed in.

Any advice on this situation (can provide more info if need be). Not a oneitus, just trying to learn from this situation for the future with other girls that I come into contact with. Also, how to proceed with this one, if it's salvageable?


Post Information
Title Texting and investment in potential helpmeet
Author SingularityOne198
Upvotes 2
Comments 21
Date 04 November 2019 05:22 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/304605
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/drkteo/texting_and_investment_in_potential_helpmeet/
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Comments

[–]Deep_Strength5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy

may have come on too strong at the beginning.

No such thing. If you were Christian Brad Pitt (or insert whatever popular celeb like Chris Hemsworth or Chris Adams and the Christian version of them), she would probably literally be begging you to come on to her so she could go on a date with you.

So, my question is mainly, is it wrong to text like that considering it may have come on too strong without major prior flirting beforehand that day, or not?

You're asking the wrong thing here. If she doesn't respond to texting twice and it wasn't an emergency or anything like that, then she's just not into you despite what signals you may have seen in person. Women who are interested will go out of their way to talk and meet up and frequently at that... and same with men with women who they think are attractive.

You should keep inviting her to events, but I wouldn't put anymore investment into it. You want someone who is enthusiastic about you and wants to be with you.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

So, some people are saying to not ask potential girls to events and others are saying that I should... is there a rationale to both sides?

I agree with what you say here. Thanks.

[–]Deep_Strength3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

So, some people are saying to not ask potential girls to events and others are saying that I should... is there a rationale to both sides?

You should invite everyone, male or female, to events that will grow their faith.

Not because you had/have interest in her, and you should not withdraw invitations because it could be awkward either.

Treat everyone with kindness and without partiality as it says in James.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So, essentially treat everyone without sinful judgment/partiality and love others by bringing them to the knowledge of God that will increase their faith.

Thanks, this makes sense. That's the goal after all... to make disciples.

[–]Deep_Strength0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes

[–]GiftOfBlackKnighting1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Imo the biggest argument for "take her to events you would go anyway" is your frame. As you are searching for a helpmeet you search for a woman that enhances your mission. Therefore it is necessary for her to join your frame and not you joining hers.

When she (generally) dislike the events you would go to then there will be issues in the (middle) long run as your interests are already diverging. It as well raises the question inhowfar she would submit to you if a smallish thing like going to an event that you would enjoy is too much. It is especially a red flag if she "has just no idea if she would like going there". Now she isn't per se opposed to it, but don't trust your judgment enough to try it. That situation is close to shouting she doesn't want to join your frame.

To make it very concrete let's say the whole event thing (getting the idea for it, organizing it, creating a team for it etc.) is your mission.
Would you say a person that is in general not going to such events with you is enhancing your life & mission?
Would you say a person that is rarely going to such events with you is enhancing your life & mission?
Would you say a person that is never going to such events with you is enhancing your life & mission?
Would you say a person that doesn't get the whole "event stuff" and is always puzzled how someone can do such a thing is enhancing your life & mission?
Wouldn't it be great to vet her for your mission relatively early so that you don't waste time and energy? Bringing her to "events you would go anyway" is a good way to vet.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

So, essentially, you're saying that the best way to vet is to just ask her to events and things you are already doing and gauging the quality of their following ability? If they don't join, then you're already on mission anyways. And, also, it doesn't matter whether they join or not because you learn from the situation either way and proceed with that information, while on mission, if I'm hearing you correctly here.

[–]GiftOfBlackKnighting1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're hearing me correctly

[–]helaughsinhidden2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

1-2% body fat

LOL Nope! Not unless you are surviving some kind of cancer or have a completely insane diet.

Which one do you look like? https://athleanx.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Body-Fat-Infographic3.jpg

"My question is, can you carve a pumpkin better than me "White Claw"?

This is why we tell men to text logistics only. Primarily because she gets her feelz from your attention no matter how it comes be it texting, phone, even stuff as petty as facebook "likes" or being tagged in memes, which means she has no reason to actually see you in person where GAME works. Secondly because men are horrible at texting and this is a good example. Without your tone, seeing your smile, or hearing you laugh a little, she could have took your comment as a jab, as judgemental, as creepy, or flirty ... but not funny, or completely missed that you are inviting her to hang out in person because you completely failed to mention a date, time, or location at all. At best it's vague, and so will be the feelz you gave her for it.

I invited her to two events I planned

Both are a bigger time and emotional commitment than you should shoot for at this point. Early on, be more spontaneous in your plans, like "hey, my calendar just feed up tonight, do you 20 minutes to meet up for coffee around 7pm?" This keeps it looking like you are a busy high value man and doesn't ask her to commit to a LONG meeting around a bunch of people she doesn't know yet or have any context as to what is and is not expected from her. All this anxiety gives her negative feelz associated with hanging out with you. Be easy going, low pressure, not serious, no new rules, no new people. Then, if she is legit busy, it's not a rejection per se and you still only try once a week to meet up and after two attempts, take a hint if she hasn't even countered a different time. You should be meeting enough people that if it isn't happening with "that one" it's not the end of the world and you can instead be grateful that you aren't wasting time with someone who doesn't really like you.

Trying to invite potential help-mates to events I have already planned is my goal in that I’m not wasting my time in doing so

Yeah, as I said before, you shouldn't do this. You especially don't want to start to get a reputation for constantly inviting new girls who only show up once and ghost you in those circles. Book club should be for talking about the book, bible study about studying the bible, and church should be about church. She should "graduate" to be included in those just like meeting your parents, because your church should be your family too. Have some more reverence for their time and for the leadership role they've extended to you.

As for "not wasting my time", no risk, no reward. To find a good wife, you're going to have to risk being rejected outright by inviting her to specifically spend time with just you in order to get to know each other. Don't be afraid to be clear that's what you want, risk putting in some effort, thought, and imagination, and put yourself out there.

[–]Praexology1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Both are a bigger time and emotional commitment than you should shoot for at this point. Early on, be more spontaneous in your plans, like "hey, my calendar just feed up tonight, do you 20 minutes to meet up for coffee around 7pm?" This keeps it looking like you are a busy high value man and doesn't ask her to commit to a LONG meeting around a bunch of people she doesn't know yet or have any context as to what is and is not expected from her.

Better yet OP, focus on filling your schedule legitimately. Feeling any form of obligation to 'appear more valuable' is stepping into her frame. You already are valuable.

That said, she could just be a one off. Maybe you slurped coffee in a way that bugged her and now she thinks youre disgusting, who cares? There are tonnes of women who are attractive, interesting, and smart women. Don't get hung up on one mishap.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Agreed. This is something I forget every once in a while. Thanks for the reminder. I want to be truthful in my inner being about working for the Lord and not for man.

What do you mean by a "one off"? I haven't heard that term before.

[–]Praexology1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

One off, maybe for some reason totally outside of traditional redpill game she became unattracted to you.

She is a "one off" because she is an outlier, unless you see a trend of disinterest don't get so butt hurt.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

>LOL Nope! Not unless you are surviving some kind of cancer or have a completely insane diet.

>Which one do you look like? https://athleanx.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Body-Fat-Infographic3.jpg

Between 5% and 10%. I'd say 7%.

>This is why we tell men to text logistics only. Primarily because she gets her feelz from your attention no matter how it comes be it texting, phone, even stuff as petty as facebook "likes" or being tagged in memes, which means she has no reason to actually see you in person where GAME works. Secondly because men are horrible at texting and this is a good example. Without your tone, seeing your smile, or hearing you laugh a little, she could have took your comment as a jab, as judgemental, as creepy, or flirty ... but not funny, or completely missed that you are inviting her to hang out in person because you completely failed to mention a date, time, or location at all. At best it's vague, and so will be the feelz you gave her for it.

Ah. I see. So texting is only to set up dates... I used to only do that with some success, so I'll have to go back to that strategy. I've heard many sides to this, I hear you though. Should one "GAME" at church then...?

>Both are a bigger time and emotional commitment than you should shoot for at this point. Early on, be more spontaneous in your plans, like "hey, my calendar just feed up tonight, do you 20 minutes to meet up for coffee around 7pm?" This keeps it looking like you are a busy high value man and doesn't ask her to commit to a LONG meeting around a bunch of people she doesn't know yet or have any context as to what is and is not expected from her. All this anxiety gives her negative feelz associated with hanging out with you. Be easy going, low pressure, not serious, no new rules, no new people. Then, if she is legit busy, it's not a rejection per se and you still only try once a week to meet up and after two attempts, take a hint if she hasn't even countered a different time. You should be meeting enough people that if it isn't happening with "that one" it's not the end of the world and you can instead be grateful that you aren't wasting time with someone who doesn't really like you.

Interesting idea about the 20 min coffee date. I'll have to try that. Yeah, I've invited other potential help-meet's to things I've already been doing, so maybe that was too high-pressure and provided "negative feelz" for them towards me. Didn't even think about that. Good things I haven't thought about before! I appreciate it.

> Yeah, as I said before, you shouldn't do this. You especially don't want to start to get a reputation for constantly inviting new girls who only show up once and ghost you in those circles. Book club should be for talking about the book, bible study about studying the bible, and church should be about church. She should "graduate" to be included in those just like meeting your parents, because your church should be your family too. Have some more reverence for their time and for the leadership role they've extended to you.

The person/people I'm talking about came to the church themselves, so I was inviting them to the events associated with church due to that interest. I don't invite women outside of my church to church events unless they came by themselves first or have been going for a while. I agree with what you are saying here though. They are to work for that "graduation" so that it isn't just "free" and "cheap".

>As for "not wasting my time", no risk, no reward. To find a good wife, you're going to have to risk being rejected outright by inviting her to specifically spend time with just you in order to get to know each other. Don't be afraid to be clear that's what you want, risk putting in some effort, thought, and imagination, and put yourself out there.

Doesn't that show too much interest on the forefront? How would this tie in with mission considering it sounds like the girl would be one's mission here?

[–]Note3122 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

How invested is she in religion? If she holds more conservative religious values, it’s possible that she hasn’t had much exposure to guys flirting with her / doesn’t know how to interact in a flirtatious way. These two possibilities could even hold true regardless of religion. She could be shy and/or anxious so instead of trying to come up with a reply she just avoids your text entirely. Maybe she didn’t see your initial text for a few hours and she felt the moment was gone. There are a lot of circumstances that could impact her responding that don’t involve you.

There are other possibilities that aren’t great but since you’re saying your investment is low this shouldn’t be a hard pill to swallow... she might just not be interested in you in a romantic way. There’s nothing wrong with that and we don’t have control over our emotions a lot of the time when it comes to making emotional connections. Shits either going to click between you in that way or it’s not. If this girl views your relationship as purely platonic, flirting might’ve made her uncomfortable.

Flirty text = probably a good move regardless of her lack of reciprocation. You showed interest and that’s big... you don’t stand much of a chance whether she’s into you or not if you never express your interest.

Double text = eh, not the best move. Other redpillers have different opinions on double texting, but I personally feel like it’s never a good thing to do if you’re doing it for the pure purpose of getting a response. Unless there’s some real purpose behind your 2nd text (aka not just looking for a text back) then have at it, but texting her again after she ignored a flirty text is probably gonna give off some needy vibes.

Another thing... try to flirt with her in person before doing anything over the phone. In-person communication is going to have more of an impact than words on a screen 10000% of the time. If you’re not flirting with her in person but you are over text, what kind of message do you think that sends? You don’t want to lead her to believe that you’re not confident enough to flirt with her in person. Don’t use your phone as a shield... use it as another resource.

Just curious.... how in gods name are you 1-2% bodyfat?

[–]helaughsinhidden1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just curious.... how in gods name are you 1-2% bodyfat?

I know, right? I don't even think my hands are that low!?

[–]SingularityOne198[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

>How invested is she in religion? If she holds more conservative religious values, it’s possible that she hasn’t had much exposure to guys flirting with her / doesn’t know how to interact in a flirtatious way. These two possibilities could even hold true regardless of religion. She could be shy and/or anxious so instead of trying to come up with a reply she just avoids your text entirely. Maybe she didn’t see your initial text for a few hours and she felt the moment was gone. There are a lot of circumstances that could impact her responding that don’t involve you.

She's "searching" and seems to know a lot after talking with her the first time she came to my church. I still know more than her intellectually, so we shall see if she's a good learner. However, I do still invite her to church where I'm going, so we shall see. - I always overthink things, so that's a good reframe. I usually just say that it's my fault when things don't work out and I try to learn from the experiences to improve in the future.

>There are other possibilities that aren’t great but since you’re saying your investment is low this shouldn’t be a hard pill to swallow... she might just not be interested in you in a romantic way. There’s nothing wrong with that and we don’t have control over our emotions a lot of the time when it comes to making emotional connections. Shits either going to click between you in that way or it’s not. If this girl views your relationship as purely platonic, flirting might’ve made her uncomfortable.

That's possible. However, she responded to the podcast earlier with an "oh, thanks", so maybe she just brushed it off. May just wait a few days before asking her to join me at church again.

>Flirty text = probably a good move regardless of her lack of reciprocation. You showed interest and that’s big... you don’t stand much of a chance whether she’s into you or not if you never express your interest.

Yeah, I was much more blue pill in the past and I hid all interest. So This is an improvement. Still tinkering with the strategy though.

>Double text = eh, not the best move. Other redpillers have different opinions on double texting, but I personally feel like it’s never a good thing to do if you’re doing it for the pure purpose of getting a response. Unless there’s some real purpose behind your 2nd text (aka not just looking for a text back) then have at it, but texting her again after she ignored a flirty text is probably gonna give off some needy vibes.

Yup. I realize that that was the case. The text was theological and was unrelated to the last one. I should have waited a few days before sending it. I realize it may have given off needy vibes, but it was only a podcast with no text from me (just the podcast with the title of it). She responded to it, so I guess that's whatever. Gonna wait until 3 days go by to text to invite her to church again, like I said above.

>Another thing... try to flirt with her in person before doing anything over the phone. In-person communication is going to have more of an impact than words on a screen 10000% of the time. If you’re not flirting with her in person but you are over text, what kind of message do you think that sends? You don’t want to lead her to believe that you’re not confident enough to flirt with her in person. Don’t use your phone as a shield... use it as another resource.

Agreed 100%. Trying to work on social charisma for sure. Still trying to figure out how flirting works in a church setting though. Any advice there?

>Just curious.... how in gods name are you 1-2% bodyfat?

Probably more around 7%. I'm a skinny guy, but have defined muscle tone.

[–]oilwellpauper1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

6'2 150 lbs is the real issue here, not the cringy texts

[–]SingularityOne198[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I do need to make eating a priority. The gym is not the difficult part for me.

[–]cdnrpc0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I'll just weigh in on the low hanging fruit here

6’2”, 152lb,

What're your lifts?

At 6'2" that's probably a skeleton-like look you've got there, even if you're 7% bodyfat.

I'm worried you'll die of from influenza this winter.

Consider bulking up to 10-12% fat, and adding as much lean mass as possible in the process. You'll jump at least 1-2 SMV points and maybe she'll text you back.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Monday’s/Wednesday’s: 3 sets of 50 pound (each side) dumbbells chest press (could do more weight, but that’s the max my free gym has), shoulder press 10 pound dumbbells 3x10, 3x20 sit-ups, 4x25 pushups, 3/10 40 pound dumbbells of incline chest press.

Tuesday’s/Thursdays: Curls 3x10 20 pound dumbbells, skull crushers 3x14 15lb dumbbell, 3x20 sit-ups, 3x20 dips, tricep extensions 3x14 45lb dumbbell, 3x14 lunges 40lb dumbbells on each side.

Yeah, working on it. Currently working creatine in and trying to eat more.

Any tips?

[–]cdnrpc1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're got literally zero pulling exercises (pull-ups, rows) so you'll eventually look like quasimodo if you stick with what you're doing, and you've got near nothing for legs.

Get in a gym with barbells and squat racks, build your routine around big compound lifts. Starting Strength or Stronglifts, Ice-Cream Fitness, Greyskull LP are reasonable programs to start with although I don't love squatting every workout. People avoid these types of movements... because they're hard.

Workouts should start with heavy squats, bench press, deadlifts, pull-ups, overhead press, barbell rows. Then you can add in secondary work afterwards with things like curls, tricep extensions, and ab stuff.

I've never been underweight in my life so I don't have first hand experience here... but working out that way should supercharge your appetite, and eating should then take care of itself. If it doesn't, track your calories and increase by a few hundred each week til you're gaining 0.5-1lb per week.



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