Ok, I'll bite: To confess my cheating or not?

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August 27, 2019
5 upvotes

Stats:

  • Physical: 14% BF, benching 275-ish, squatting close to 400 (haven't tried to max in a while)

  • Reading: I've read the entire TRP/MRP/RPC sidebar and apply most of what I've found to be useful.

  • Mission: make disciples and all that.

  • Spiritual maturity: See below.

Okay, so I've really screwed up. Like, a LOT. I was the typical TRP guy who was stuck in a crappy marriage. I was ready to divorce, then discovered MRP and figured I'd give it a shot.

My wife and I have always been Christians, at least in name. She more so than me. When things got bad, I started cheating. Often. I'm clean - no diseases or anything. Mostly short hookups, ONSs, FWB, etc. I travel for work so my wife is mostly clueless. She thinks I played the "good Christian" part.

Well, a little over a year ago I started figuring out how to have a fulfilling sex life with my own wife, and things started turning around enough that I decided to stop cheating. u/Red-Curious posted something on askMRP about how duty sex doesn't exist (yeah, I had to go to ceddit because some butt muncher mod removed it for not following some mysterious writing guidelines that he refused to explain?) and it resonated a lot with how I started bringing my sex life back with my wife.

Long story short, I've been faithful ever since. Gave up cheating. Don't need it anymore. Not that I couldn't. It'd be easy to go back. I just don't want to. I've got more important stuff to worry about now that I've rededicated my life to Christ.

Here's the thing though. My wife is totally clueless. Part of me wants to think she's AWALT and must have cheated on me too and I'm just clueless as well. But her hyper-purity-culture "church made me think all sexual thoughts were sinful" past really convinces me this is unlikely. I was generally good at hiding my tracks, but I doubt she'd have that capacity, especially with kiddos running around her all the time. Telling her will likely ruin our marriage. But I also don't want our marriage founded on a lie.

I can't tell if this compulsion to want to come clean is from the Spirit, even if it ruins everything, or if it's just church culture trying to make me feel shame and guilt for my past actions that Christ has since freed me from. And if Christ freed me and forgave me, why is it for my wife to get all screwed up over this when Jesus and I are past it?


Post Information
Title Ok, I'll bite: To confess my cheating or not?
Author Finuul
Upvotes 5
Comments 13
Date 27 August 2019 04:20 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/304644
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/cvzc0k/ok_ill_bite_to_confess_my_cheating_or_not/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
AWALTcheatingFWBthe red pillclose
Comments

[–]Rifleshoot2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t know if there’s any value in it. You’ll just hurt her and set back your marriage. Obviously, if she ever asks about it, don’t lie and just tell the truth, but I don’t see any reason to simply volunteer your mistakes to her. It places you at her mercy, which puts your marriage back to square one.

[–]CarelessBowler52 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

... And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:15b–16a ESV)

This is the verse I come to for circumstances like this. I have sinned - against God and against someone else - but the someone else might not know.

In my life, I have taken this passage to demonstrate the power of confessing sins to other believers. It doesn't here say "if you have sinned against them confess to them" but just to confess in general (arguably, as a part of the physical healing process which the passage also speaks to).

If I were in your shoes, I would confess. However, I wouldn't confess to my wife first. Confess to God first, confess to a godly pastor or other godly man (whom you respect and would like to emulate), and then having received both reproof and guidance from those two, confess to your wife.

Another aspect I think about is that you're lying to your wife every day you don't tell her. She is under the impression she's married to a certain person, someone who is faithful and has kept their vows. If that's not true, you are lying to her every day you let her think that.

Part of me wants to think she's AWALT and must have cheated on me too and I'm just clueless as well.

Get out of your wife's frame. You here are clearly using what you think your wife might have done to justify your own secrecy.

As is posted all over RCP, get into Christ's frame. Follow his lead. Would he have you confess? Confess!

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. (1 John 1:9–10 ESV)

With your wife, maintain outcome independence. I mean: Confess, because the Spirit has convicted you to do so, and leave the outcome of your marriage and your wife's response in God's hands. You are already forgiven in Christ's sacrifice. Even if your spouse never forgives you, Christ's forgiveness is enough.

[–]Red-Curious3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

She is under the impression she's married to a certain person, someone who is faithful and has kept their vows. If that's not true, you are lying to her every day you let her think that.

Does this not ignore the possibility of Christ's transforming work? Maybe a year ago he was that person. But today, if he is truly changed by Christ and is not that person anymore, is he really lying about who he is today? This position seems to undermine "the old has gone, the new has come."

[–]CarelessBowler51 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Is that the case, u/Finuul?

I believe that if it's something that needs to be confessed, the Spirit won't let him let it go. Every prayer, every moment in Scripture, maybe every sermon, the conviction will haunt him until it's put to rest properly.

Obviously, if it didn't bother his conscience, he probably wouldn't have posted here to begin with.

[–]redwall924 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sometimes we need to remember that it's already "been put to rest properly."

There are things from my past that haunt me that do not need more confession to Christ or to anybody else. Feelings of conviction or a bothered conscience do not necessarily equate to a need to confess.

I think this your line here is most insightful...

Is that the case, u/Finuul?

[–]TheChristianAlpha2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Did King David confess to his other wives when he committed adultery with Bathsheba? Did he ask for Bathsheba's forgiveness or committing adultery with her and sending her husband to her death?

No.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict

Psalm 51:3-4

This is the Psalm of him confessing his sin. 2 Samuel 12 is the setting for this Psalm.

Repent. Confess to a brother or brothers in Christ. Stay accountable with bro in Christ that is willing to be intrusive. Then "forget what lies behind (your sin) and strive forward to what lies ahead (Christ).

[–]OptimusRP 2 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you. This helped me.

[–]TheChristianAlpha1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Glad to help mate!

[–]CasaDeFranco1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was recently cheated on and there is a virtue in confession and forgiveness.

Marriage is life commitment and you gave your word before God. You have failed the low threshold of not fucking women other than your wife not once but several times.

Talk to your Priest and reflect on why you cheated. You need to be a better man, a man of his word, and be a good husband.

Attend Church, take your wife on dates, have your actions reflect your values.

If you have truly reformed and will not do it again, confessing is just unburdening your guilt rather than being a reflection of honesty. Honesty should have been doing at the first transgression.

You'll be in my prayers.

[–]johnmic070 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I suggest you keep that between you and God. I wouldn't get anyone else involved because if you do, it just increases the chance it will get back to your wife. Just don't do it again. If you feel guilty, suck it up.

[–]GinoMan24401 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don't suck it up, take those thoughts and feelings captive to the obedience to Christ.

God is the one you broke covenant with, and God is the one who has transformed you from a covenant breaker into a covenant keeper. "What shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with Him freely give us all things? Who can bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies."

No good will come to confessing to your wife. So don't do it. Honor God by Honoring your marriage and not bringing information about past failures and sins that will destroy it.

[–]Jesushchristalmighty-3 points-2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah we're good bro.

[–]OrlandoTheAxe0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Look, it's that thing you added to the conversation. Why even comment?



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