On Frame: Punishing Your Wife

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August 27, 2019

I had a failure in frame on Saturday.

My wife and I had some disagreement. I don't even know what about anymore. She started to become disrespectful and challenging my authority.

So, I told her, "I'm going for my run now" instead of later that day like I had planned.

On that run, I made sure I came to the end of that workout so that I had an extra-long walk home.


To withdraw my presence from my wife to punish her. She wanted me around, and I changed up my entire workout routine to try to make her feel bad.

In hindsight, this was stupid for a couple of reasons:

  1. I didn't just withdraw from just her but also from my two kids - on a Saturday.
  2. I completely wasted nearly half an hour with that extra walk home, time that could have been used profitably.
  3. The only reason I did this was that I was trying to yield a response in her: guilt, disappointment, etc. (a very "nice guy" move).

That's not frame. Not mine. Not Christ's. It's foolishness.

I'm glad I went for the run. I'm glad I did it when I did it. However, the extra bit tagged onto the end was not representative of who I want to be.

I wanted to share this moment with you guys to help you avoid doing the same sort of thing.

Post Information
Title On Frame: Punishing Your Wife
Author CarelessBowler5
Upvotes 4
Comments 3
Date 27 August 2019 01:56 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/304646
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/cw4syr/on_frame_punishing_your_wife/
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Red Pill terms found in post:

[–]Red-Curious3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good word, brother. This is the type of content that belongs on the main sub. As is occasionally brought up on RPC and MRP, the concept of withdrawing attention is not in the moment as a punishment, but after the fact as an internal expression of how much time you want to spend with someone who treats you poorly. We don't let someone else's actions dictate our behaviors, even (especially?) if we think we're doing it to prove a point of our authority or individuality against them.

[–]OsmiumZulu1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Solid reflection.

> To withdraw my presence from my wife to punish her.

You already covered the error of frame involved with this, and RC posted about the better way to go about this, so I will just leave you with this: removing your presence is only punitive if your presence is highly valuable.

> She started to become disrespectful and challenging my authority.

Perhaps it was just a fitness test, but outright disrespect is an indicator that she does not see you as valuable enough to police her outbursts. Women are like this, but high value men who draw and hold boundaries rarely get disrespect like this on an ongoing basis.

Would she treat her pastor this way? Would she treat her boss this way? Would she treat Chad this way? Probably not, which means you still have work to do on being and demonstrating high value. This shouldn't change anything since you are presumably working on that anyway, so let it be additional fuel to the fire.

[–]CarelessBowler5[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As I reflect, it was definitely a fitness test.

When I got back, she was putty in my hands. Respectful, following my leadership, deferring to me for how the family was going to spend our Saturday.

The reason I posted is because of how unnecessary my attitude was. As a fitness test, the right response then was to STFU and go work on something. The 'work on something' in this case was my run. However, I spoiled it like I mentioned in the post.

There are some other, bigger things going on in my marriage that I'll post an FR about next week. This is a small but poignant event that I thought others could learn from.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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