[Advice] Mean girl at work, also how not to become the older bitter woman?

misscleanex · 2020-01-08T19:21:03+00:00

Speaking from experience here: I've survived many of these types of people by keeping my mouth shut, my ears open, not getting emotional, not keeping score, and being very calculated in my moves.

I'm from a shitty background. I have issues with feeling inadequate and being jealous of those who have what I don't. The thing I have to constantly remind myself is that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, we were all hired where we are for a reason, and at the end of the day, I need the paycheck more than I need to treat work like High School, so I put that crap aside and get to work.

The people who rock the boat the most often walk the plank. Your continued attention to this matter is going to rock the boat and possibly blow up in your face.

Put your head down and do your work. If she acts petty, bring it back to work. You are not her boss. If you have an issue with her, it must be communicated to YOUR boss who will then decide if it's appropriate to speak to the other manager. If you have a complaint, it either damn well be an EXTREMELY convincing hostile work environment case or an emotionless case for how her specific actions prevented you from performing on the job. (In other words, unless her leaving early prevents you from doing your job, it's none of your business.)

All this other psychology and observing her and her behavior is a distraction from work and quite frankly you're wasting too much time and energy on someone who cannot advance your career.

kim_shayne · 2020-01-08T19:42:31+00:00

You have to stop projecting your insecurities on her the same way she is obviously projecting her insecurities on you.

This is the time to do very deep work on yourself psychologically. Do not take that lightly.

All this frantic energy? Turn it inward. Because that’s where it comes from. You said it yourself: she’s a trigger. A mere trigger.

A million beautiful asshole girls in the world exist and could take her place in your life right now and you would experience this torture all the same.

So do the real work which is to turn inward, examine and heal yourself.

Forget her. She’s done her job. She’s brought to light all these things you’re still carrying. Focus on that.

Her behavior is her sole business now. It’s obviously a symptom of the burden she carries. You think she can treat you like that, or any other human being for that matter, without it affecting her? You think she can go through all that trouble to make you feel like shit and not have her own weight to carry?

Whatever you are or have unconsciously done has triggered something in her, too. It’s her own problem whether she deals with it or not.

And that doesn’t matter for you anymore, because you’ll have moved past the whole thing and gained an even wider perspective than she could ever fathom with the mindset that she’s functioning in right now.

Do the work. Trust me. Go deeper in your analysis than the one that focuses on so many surface variables, like your age, education, and looks.

Good luck. And despite all this, please, life is too short and too beautiful.

Step outside and get some air and really think about the big picture.

All the best!

szsunshine · 2020-01-08T19:48:05+00:00

A big theory on mean girls is that they are the people who are lazy and don't do their jobs well They pick on the women who work hard, trying to get them to leave, because they know the hard working women make them look bad.

What girl who grew up going to French schools and riding horses ends up with a "dirty job?" Unless it is cleaning horse stalls so she can board her horse, I have sincere doubts she is telling the truth. Or if she is....she has fallen down the social ladder.

Are there any other people at work you can be friends with? Reach out to other people at work (preferably female, but male if that is the only choice) and gravitate towards them. Don't even try with her. Old, young, pretty, ugly, speaking in broken English....find someone you can connect with. Personally, when I am at work I am not trying to make friends and I have NEVER cared how "pretty" a co-worker is when I am working or befriending them! You may really be over-thinking this. At lunchtime run errands or read a book or leave the building.

There are things that bother you that you need to let go. The fact that she didn't thank you for your cake? If you expect people to thank you, then you aren't being generous. Bring the cake in and let any expectations of thanks or praise go (yes, thanking you is good manners, but not thanking you is a reflection on THEM, not you). I have a feeling if she didn't eat your cake, you'd have a problem with that, too. And if she did thank you, you'd pick apart her voice and say she didn't mean it. Don't have bad manners to retaliate. Well-bred people (another reason I think she is lying, people with class do not treat some people well and other people differently, and are not "mean.") treat everyone with manners. Be a well-mannered person. That doesn't mean you s*ck up to her, but hold the door open if you are first, say thank you and excuse me. Treat her like you would treat anyone else. If anyone asks why the two of you don't get along, tell them you just don't connect with her. Don't bad-mouth her.

Are you sure the table was silent because you were humiliated? If a woman walked up to a guy and said "thank you for last night" - even if I knew she was talking about cake, I would be silent because I would be shocked a girl would talk like a 'ho at the break table.

Focus on YOU. Spend your time working towards YOUR OWN goals. If you are unhappy about your looks, work on improving them (not improving them for work hours, but for when you are out of work and home or socializing). Look up how to apply makeup on youtube. Get a quality haircut that flatters your face. If you are over - or under - weight, eat healthy and work out to get fit. You don't have to buy a whole new wardrobe, but as you buy clothing make sure it fits and flatters you. If you don't have friends at work, create a life for yourself OUTSIDE of work. Join a book club, start a hobby, get fit by running. Do SOMETHING that enables you to connect with other people. If you want to learn to knit - take a knitting class. See if your library has a book club. Join a group that runs on weekends.

Stop obsessing on this girl. Her emotional affairs are none of your business, unless she is getting unfair treatment at work. If she gets guys to do her job for her when she is supposed to help her, so what? Be thankful that you don't have to work with someone so lazy that she gets other people to do her job! Focus on the job at hand. Thank the guys and tell them how much you enjoy working with them (if that is the truth). Practice gratitude and poise - do your job well, make sure the guys see how hard you work as a partner. DO NOT say anything about Julia in particular, but you can say that working with such a (strong if it involves heavy lifting) or hardworking or thorough co-worker is something you really appreciate. (Just make sure your praise is genuine, if you praise them for goofing off and not working then they will know you are lying and they will be lazy when you work with them next time). Sooner or later these orbiters will find a girlfriend or just wake up and realize that they have been used.

If you can't put this behind you, then find a new job. But there will always be mean people.

[deleted] · 2020-01-09T03:12:44+00:00

“A queen competes with no one.”

Say that to yourself next time she makes you mad. You have to keep your mind focused and emotions at bay.

Perhaps there is something about you that she envies. People don’t expel this much energy for no reason and women naturally want to compete with one another. I have found that ignoring these types and confronting them directly and privately when they do something wrong towards me is what works. Don’t react to her childish antics; if you do, then she wins. Lead by example.

Good luck, I know it’s frustrating.

[deleted] · 2020-01-09T01:36:10+00:00

You gotta be incredibly confident when dealing with this type of girl. She's feeding on your insecurities. You know how a bear stops attacking you when you make yourself appear bigger than it? Same logic applies here. Anything you can call her out on and not seem like the one causing problems, do it. When she pushes your boundaries, don't budge them. These girls don't respect people until they prove they aren't a doormat.

doom2345 · 2020-01-09T14:50:38+00:00

I'm a guy lurker but I just wanted to say it's fascinating to see this from the other side.

I do have a tip for you though - you're not quite old yet. You still have up to 10 years left in regards to being too old to be sexually competitive. And the fact that she's mean to you is sort of proof of that. When you're too old to be competitive this kind of person will probably ignore you. So that's an upside.

LateralThinker13 · 2020-01-08T23:04:33+00:00

I'm so mad at this when I come home from work. I have rage attacks.

Your mindset is all wrong. She is not a target of rage; she's a target of pity. Your looks and sex appeal are all you have, and you must one-up all the other women? You poor thing.

CorpseProject · 2020-01-09T01:38:19+00:00

I just have to say the advice in this thread is all amazing and I have nothing to add but say this is really a pretty great community of women.

Anonymous_fiend · 2020-01-08T19:56:43+00:00

What a bitch! She’s gonna have a major fall from grace when she gets older and can’t use her looks like this. She has major issues and probably won’t work on them until it’s too late for her. My best advice is just be overly feminine and sweet. Do the whole kill them with kindness southern style. It’ll make you seem more likable and it’ll bother her too. Maybe then she’ll back off because she won’t be getting the reaction she wants. You’re playing into her games. Just stop playing. You can’t do anything since she’ll manipulate any situation. Your feminine traits are your strengths. She’s using her sexuality to cause drama use your grace to not let it bother you so much. You can’t make her be nice to you or like you. If anything I feel bad for her because she will more than likely end up ruining her life or grow up and regret her childish toxic behavior.

Spag_n_balls · 2020-01-09T01:09:21+00:00

Maybe trying to think more long term here would help. You’ve been through hell in a handbasket in your life. You obviously are learning to be better because of the upbringing you had. Maybe you want to be a better wife or mom than the one you had, right? Well, you’ve got yourself a leg up right there. Even if you want to stay single and kid free forever, you know better than to treat people the way she’s treating you. Doesn’t mean you should look down on her or pity her, just recognize the difference.

lolococo77 · 2020-01-09T14:31:10+00:00

First off, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It is really painful and in many ways people haven’t matured or grown up from being in high school. That being said like much of the advice here it’s time to get your big girl panties on and be the adult in the situation.

You are dealing with a few things here that have nothing to do with her. Aging and not feeling good about yourself is a you problem. I recommend a good therapist for both of those issues (big ones, I know).

Next, make your work life better. I recommend you read “Workplace Poker” by Dan Rust. The advice is gold. Remember the politics and even flirting is part of the game and you have to play to your strengths. She’s got an advantage with youth on her side - don’t try to compete with her on that. You will lose. Find something else and other people who you have things in common with you.

Last. Don’t go to battle with her. Be boring (see gray rock theory). When I encounter toxic people I give them a wide berth and avoid at all costs (communicate on messenger or email if you have to). Don’t react and learn to LET IT GO.

That sting you are feeling is only your ego being bruised. It can be tamed. And if you are worried that she won’t get hers - remember Karma is a bitch and right now there is a mean girl waiting for her that will be younger and prettier. It happens to us all.

You don’t need her or their respect if you respect yourself.

Space_Tits_69 · 2020-01-10T19:22:06+00:00

I don't have any great advice but she behaves this way because she sees you as a threat. Women are mean to other women because they are insecure. Pretty/attractive people can be extremely insecure even though they may not come off as so. People like her need attention to validate their attractiveness. Hopefully she continues to grow as a person because she will have a hard time accepting herself when she starts to age.

TranslatedSky · 2020-01-08T22:16:13+00:00

Girls like this are insecure because they only have their looks fo rely on, and they know it. She’s probably jealous of you for all the things she can never be. One day her looks will fade and she won’t be able to do this anymore, leaving her with absolutely nothing.

Channel your feelings of insecurity into feelings of sympathy for her. This way you’ll continue to be kind and it’ll put you in a higher position than her. Treat her like a mistreated puppy that needs kindness and loving.

Ana_jp · 2020-01-09T05:16:18+00:00

There is a lot of great advice here on moving forward and working to improve your mindset.

My advice is more of a last resort if she makes herself impossible to ignore and work around:

Give her stuff to be petty about that you don’t care about. Drop a fake thing that annoys you into a conversation with a coworker so she overhears. Watch in amusement as she tries to bug you with it. Switch it up once in a while. This flips the script so you’re making her dance to your tune and completely zeros her impact on you emotionally.

I had an older, jealous coworker once and this worked like a charm when I couldn’t avoid her. I’d complain to another person that I didn’t have time for breakfast and was starving (I’d actually had an extra big breakfast on these days) so she could say she “forgot” to tell me to go for lunch. I had a list I cycled through and it worked literally every time. Kept her busy and content and out of my hair.

castleglastonbury · 2020-01-08T21:44:28+00:00

work on yourself, find other outlets, the gym, a church, a therapist. you can't get your rocks off of work and right now alot of your emotional energy is invested in this conflict. look for a new job? perhaps try and learn from her about how to dress?

I've learned that if you pray for people you hate they stop having power over you.

keep it professional. cultivate friends with others. don't try and mind-read, some of them see the girl as a bitch and some see you as older and jealous, it doesn't matter and it shouldn't affect you.

like others have said, you could try and befriend her directly.

StrawberryCake88 · 2020-01-09T04:30:38+00:00

You already have surpassed her. Once you realize that, it’ll make it easier to see her as what she is, “pathetic”. She started at theoretically +200. She’s healthy, beautiful, clever, and decided with all those gifts to be cruel, short sighted, unfaithful, and lazy.

You have suffered, fought valiantly, and managed to decide to work on yourself. The bravery it takes to look at your faults shouldn’t be under appreciated. You’re doing your best and just haven’t been given the skills it requires to deal with this situation. Remember that she is, for all her cruelty, naive. Those guys helping her won’t give her the time of day once her body ages. She just doesn’t realize what a predicament she’s in. She’s like a child playing big queen of the castle and you’re the unfortunate victim.

Fortunately her slings and arrows can be fought. Kindness! Virtue! Self care! There is a path forward and you have a multitude of woman who are cheering for you. You’ll do great.

prettypinkdaydream · 2020-01-08T19:29:00+00:00

I'm really sorry. She could have picked up an envious look from you at first and because she probably has women be mean to her for her looks (usually older or not ass attractive) she probably is set in a mind set that it's better to ignore you or be mean to you first. She could also be just a bitch. It's not right. I think this has escalated.

You could approach her at the break table and talk to her. Be nice. Instead of listening in on her conversations (which you obviously must be if you know about her upbringing) and actually try to make friends. You may be surprised, maybe both of you are just making something of nothing. After all this is work, not high school. Yeah she sure does get more attention from bosses and it's not fair but what can we do

BerryCat91 · 2020-01-08T20:18:14+00:00

Befriend her. Ask her opinion on something you think she thinks is important. Compliment her. Bake her cake specifically.

Nothing like making an enemy a friend ☺️

Hammocknapping · 2020-01-09T02:00:04+00:00

I don’t want to be the bitter old woman.

Too. Late.

sweet_puck · 2020-01-08T20:08:19+00:00

Sounds like you have a crush on her tbh

Title	[Advice] Mean girl at work, also how not to become the older bitter woman?
Author	christianlady_
Upvotes	70
Comments	29
Date	January 8, 2020 7:11 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/elx97c/advice_mean_girl_at_work_also_how_not_to_become/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/advice-mean-girl-at-work-also-how-not-to-become.304728 https://theredarchive.com/post/304728