How is sex after waiting till marriage?

crapshack · 2020-01-11T04:33:07+00:00

/r/deadbedroom posts manifest from a whole host of things not at all related to "sexual chemistry." Generally speaking, if you have a good relationship and care about your partner and are willing to put work into your relationship/yourself you'll have a good sex life. Barring any previously undisclosed trauma, nefarious motivation for starting the relationship in the first place, or medical issues it's really not a big deal to wait.

I think a lot of the dead bedroom posts are from people who felt they were bamboozled by people who pretended to have a high sex drive while dating that stopped once they were married. It's an important thing to discuss before marriage, just like kids, finances, and career expectations.

leinlin · 2020-01-11T08:23:45+00:00

My husband and I waited nearly until marriage. We broke down a few days before the wedding and did it a day or two early, when we were not supposed to see each other at all (orthodox Jewish thing). It was not that great! It didn’t work well at all!

We still got married, and we learned together how to have sex successfully (lol). It was a real partnership back then, and we both look back fondly on those days and laugh about them. It was very sweet trying to figure it all out. I wouldn’t change a thing!

We have certainly had our sexual difficulties, but it was not primarily because of the act of sex. Sexual chemistry does not start in the bedroom. If you go over to MRP you’ll see men saying, “always be gaming your wife,” “always be closing.” That’s because they know that desire needs to be built throughout the day. That is the real thing to remember. You and he can learn how to act in the bedroom to please each other, but it won’t work well without desire. If you desire your fiancé, that’s gold. That’s what you both need to keep going. That’s where the struggle is.

Edit: I deleted a book recommendation because it’s one I’d recommend the future husband get his hands on, not one for OP. I’ll give it to OP if she asks for it.

BePrivateGirl · 2020-01-11T05:08:59+00:00

I’ll add another comment.

My parents got married. They were Catholic. My mom’s parents got divorced before she was conceived!!! ( Drama ensued. Think about it. )

My mom grew up in Catholic school. The stigma of her divorced parents haunted her. Her older sisters who were 10 and 12 years older than her never treated her kindly.

My mom and my dad had a dead bedroom. They finally got divorced when I was 27 years old. They didn’t love each other for years and years as my father spun into alcoholism.

Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend make an excellent point in their book “Boundaries in marriage” If you are going to use religious scripture and teachings to define the roles and responsibilities of the wife, we first must be dealing with a godly man. A man who takes the role of leadership in the family. A man who puts effort forth to understand the needs of his wife and his family and makes thoughtful decisions.

Being male doesn’t make you a leader. Being a virgin doesn’t make you a good wife. Life is not black and white. Promising to have a healthy marriage is precisely what 99.9 percent of people believe they will do when they say their vows. And yet the prevalence of divorce marches on and on.

My parents promised each other they wouldn’t get divorced. My mom was a virgin. And my dad was literally the drunk caption yelling, “don’t question me.” “That’s not what I asked you!” “ that is final.” It was a nightmare.

We are all damaged from it, I’m glad my mom left.

My first several sexual experiences were weird, nonproductive, and bad for me. But the whole time I stubbornly insisted that I was right. My emotional desperate pairings with broken people were “different”

Life and relationships are hard. Having superficial values about being a good wife fall flat when you are tested by a bad man who isn’t good for you, so do whatever you want, but go into it with open eyes that staying a virgin until marriage doesn’t guarantee you anything except your virginity.

You might still be gravely, and painfully naive.

ShootingDanks · 2020-01-11T05:49:54+00:00

The deadbedrooms sub is for people whose relationships have gone off the rails. Don't worry about other people's problems.

Sternberg's triangular model of love describes consummate love as the ultimate form of love. It requires intimacy (ability to share personal feelings and desires with each other), passion (sexual chemistry/attraction/sparks) and commitment (agreement to marry/enter into a long term relationship).

You can look up the different types of love which occur when you don't have all three aspects (for example, if you have intimacy and commitment only, you have a companionate love, but no romance).

As long as both you and your husband share all three elements, you can be 95% certain that the sex will work out. I just made that statistic up, but it's pretty much a certainty. So what can go wrong? Two things.

Physical incompatibility. Some people are short, some people are tall. Genitals have similar attributes. Such incompatibilities might mean lack of sensation during penetration ("is it in yet?"), or pain when his too long penis hits against your cervix. Physical incompatibilities can be overcome by adapting technique (digital/oral stimulation) and using different positions.
Psychological issues. Fear and insecurities can manifest in physical ways, such as preventing sufficient lubrication from occurring to full-blown vaginismus.

For the vast majority of people, such problems simply don't crop up. For those who do experience difficulties, solutions exist. And then, for a very small subset, sexual incompatibility becomes a deal breaker.

Sex is a skill and you will improve with experience. However, there is no reason why you can't develop that skill with the loving guidance of your husband. Whether you wait until marriage or not is a personal choice dependant on your personal beliefs and values, but don't allow fears of the unknown to influence your decision. In all likelihood, you will have a fulfilling sex life. Perhaps not immediately (you have to learn what works for you), but rapidly.

Aknagtehlriicnae · 2020-01-11T03:59:42+00:00

I think the sexual chemistry is all about attraction really. But what makes good sex is not the act itself. It's all just personality traits that will matter when sex is occurring like communication, confidence, consideration.

If you really want to wait. Then wait. If he's a good guy he should be a good guy in bed too. And Practice really makes perfect. My man was awful in bed at first because of nerves and not really knowing what each other wanted. So we went through the motions and practiced and talked about what feels good and now its amazing.

You can do do sexualish acts without having sex like heavy petting and kissing. Do you feel sexual chemistry then?

claravoyance · 2020-01-11T03:48:08+00:00

Honestly, I don't think it's rocket science to know if you have chemistry with your partner before marriage.

You can tell if you're physically attracted to each other and compatible while still having certain boundaries.

More than that, I believe that if you truly love someone enough to marry them, you can work out any of the kinks (no pun intended) that come along with intimacy.

The_Adm0n · 2020-01-11T11:06:54+00:00

Can speak from experience. My wife and I both waited until we were married. And honestly, it's pretty awesome.

The first time (ok, the first several times) was awkward, as neither of us knew what we were doing. But as time went on, we got to explore and discover our sexuality with each other, which really led to an overall more intimate relationship than I believe it would've been otherwise.

It also made our marriage so much more than "just a piece of paper", as so many people say. It's now an exclusive relationship, where she is the only one in all the world who is worthy of knowing me in this way. And vice versa. It's a huge self esteem boost for us both, knowing that we really are each other's one and only.

The peace of mind it provides is pretty cool, too. I don't have to worry about how I compare to other guys, because there never were any other guys. And I'm not comparing her to other women, because there never were any other women. And vice versa. I'd say it's one of those rare situations where ignorance truly is bliss.

I'm very happy with my choice to wait until marriage. Would highly recommend it.

Edit: Chemistry is something that can be worked on and developed. It doesn't always have to just happen right away. If there are issues in the bedroom, the cause is usually somewhere else in the relationship.

Animal_testing_lab · 2020-01-11T03:49:21+00:00

Sis lemme tell u that all this “sexual chemistry” thing isn’t as big as everyone makes it seem. If u do end up waiting u and ur dude r gonna build that as y’all get comfy with each other. Don’t use that as an excuse to let urself slip

If you’ve only had one guy how is it gonna be unsatisfying? Lol u won’t know any better. If it’s something ur struggling with go and talk to some women in ur life that didn’t wait. They will probably tell u about how important it is and how much they wish thy would’ve waited.

Our society is full of pleasure seekers who only wanna do what makes them feel good. So if course they’re gonna suggest sex bc of the feels and whatnot. Don’t allow the temptation to take control, hold urself together and remember why ur saving urself.

Gin-and-Elderberries · 2020-01-11T13:06:57+00:00

If it's something that you want to do, absolutely do it, and don't cave to anyone trying to change your mind!

I think that enthusiasm about sex is directly tied to love and respect. If you don't respect your partner, you're not going to want to have sex with them. I've been in two long-term relationships- with my previous one, I waited for over a year of exclusivity before attempting to have sex, but eventually I felt more like his mom than his girlfriend, lost respect for him. That's when I lost all attraction to him and sex became a chore.

Now I'm with a man I love, and above all, RESPECT. We didn't wait as long, only a few months, but the sex is infinitely better because I see him as a captain, a leader, and an adult deserving of my trust.

Waiting or not waiting, finding out your sexual compatibility, isn't nearly as important as the respect you have for your man. That's just my experience, so take it with a grain of salt 😅

ChatoChato · 2020-01-14T20:41:21+00:00

Don't let unhappy people give you the key to happiness.

Don't be led around by the lost and blind.

Don't have sex because of what Reddit people say.

I think you should wait. I waited, and it was definitely worth it. But its your life and your decision, good luck.

AnarchoNAP · 2020-01-11T03:44:27+00:00

Unfortunately can’t speak from experience, but aren’t people usually referring to sexual attraction when they talk about that?

throwawayhouseissue1 · 2020-01-11T04:01:14+00:00

I have been with my gf for a year and we are waiting for marriage. We have lots of chemistry kissing, so why wouldn't sex be good? It is really more about effort and appreciation. Also, you create chemistry in your head. Sometimes it is completely automatic because of how someone looks or smells or something they did, but other times you have to put a little effort into making chemistry by actively finding things you find attractive and sexy.

DetteBavis · 2020-01-12T05:24:50+00:00

To add some positivity to this thread, waiting until marriage was the right choice for my husband and I and we have a wonderful sex life! There are a millions ways to know if you have sexual chemistry beforehand because there are millions of ways to be intimate with a partner that don't involve penetration.

People often talk about their first time being awkward and I just can't relate to it at all. The day of our wedding was pure joy that culminated in a brand new experience for both of us. It was beautiful and SO much fun. I don't remember it being clumsy, but I'm sure it was. I just remember being happy. Four years later and we're still as happy as ever.

IceBear---69 · 2020-01-12T00:29:44+00:00

If you and your partner on the same page from a religious (or whatever commonality is driving the chastity) standpoint, then you know that you stick with each other no matter what. Once you get married you are a team and it's up to the two of you to work things out. Don't worry if it's not what you were expecting. Y'all will have your whole life to experiment and find something that is enjoyable for both of you. Any man or woman can become masters in the bedroom with enough patience, practice, love and respect.

Never forget that virginity in today's society is incredibly rare and highly sought after. You're gonna do great!

loneliness-inc · 2020-01-12T07:34:11+00:00

Why having sex during the vetting process is a bad idea.

justfortalksjgirl · 2020-01-14T03:39:28+00:00

I waited til marriage with my husband. When we were dating, we would do oral and other stuff but nothing that penetrates.

So we knew at least we had some kind of sexual chemistry which is important.

But when we got to have sex for real, we found that we needed to work out our differences and talk about how to do it well haha it was challenging but sex is getting better day by day :p it's fun getting to know each other this way :p

Initial_Machine · 2020-01-17T01:38:46+00:00

I was taught growing up that you should never marry a woman who is not a virgin (if she can choose to have sex outside of marriage before she is married, she can choose to have sex outside of marriage after she is married to you). In other words, she becomes comfortable with the concept of extra marital sex.

If seems that woman today enjoy their casual sexual encounters with more attractive men (men who do not necessarily have any intentions of ever marrying them or men that the women don’t themselves would not consider for marriage. Then they compromise and “settle” for a less attractive man who nonetheless has the qualities they need in a husband and sometimes find that this doesn't make them happy.

Waiting until marriage was always the norm for most people (not all) before the sexual revolution. If you look at the divorce statistics today, it seems like we should go back to it again. However, I don’t see that happening.

BePrivateGirl · 2020-01-11T04:36:26+00:00

I don’t believe in waiting until marriage.

It’s a big deal.

I’ve had bad sex with people I’ve waited for.

Having sex as a virgin is a learning curve, and it can be painful.

Follow your heart. If you’ve vetted a guy and want to try it then you should.

If it would really bother you to lose your virginity before marriage then you shouldn’t.

Everyone can learn and grow sexually, even if it’s with the same person for a lifelong commitment

But I would try it before I tied the knot. Just a personal opinion.

Place_of_refreshment · 2020-01-11T16:31:08+00:00

Part of a woman's value is nulliparity and virginity. Let's be honest. Other factors being similar a man would choose the sexually inexperienced over the 'experienced' one.

JaneAdamz · 2020-01-12T02:16:03+00:00

If you do decide to wait, at LEAST see the size of his penis before you decide to marry, because size DOES matter, women only say it doesn't because they don't want to appear shallow. Make sure it's at least average size, not a micropenis.

Title	How is sex after waiting till marriage?
Author	leinlin
Upvotes	52
Comments	64
Date	January 11, 2020 3:40 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/en297v/how_is_sex_after_waiting_till_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-is-sex-after-waiting-till-marriage.305524 https://theredarchive.com/post/305524