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She got invited out for coffee by an old guy friend

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December 30, 2019
10 upvotes

I admit, I can be pretty jealous sometimes and I made the mistake of showing it early in our relationship before reading some redpill. LTR got a text today from an old work friend who basically told her that it's been a while since they talked, he's been divorced a while now, the ages of his kids, where he's living and that he'd like to meet her for coffee. I know this because she told me. She introduced it to me by saying that she felt worried when she read the email because I've been jealous in the past, and she texted him back that she could catch up by phone rather than meet in person. She wanted to run it past me and to see if I was comfortable with her meeting him for coffee. Before I replied she said that she wants to be in a relationship where she doesn't feel worried like that, and wants to have the freedom to have a coffee with an old friend - male or female. I asked her if she thinks he's interested in her, and I mentioned that I think he might be interested because he mentioned in his text that he's divorced. She asked me what she should do? She said that I can tag along with her. I don't want to babysit her and be the 3rd wheel, so I said no it's fine meet him if you'd like, but I have to admit it does bother me. She said okay, and that if he wants to meet her a second time afterwards that I'll come along with her.

So yea, I probably lost my frame by mentioning that it bothered me. I think it's best to be decisive in these situations, either say no I don't date women who meet single men 1 on 1, or say sure go meet him for coffee. Either way, she's probably going to meet him now. How should I deal with this situation in the future? It obviously bothers me.


Post Information
Title She got invited out for coffee by an old guy friend
Author payperclickwhy
Upvotes 10
Comments 39
Date 30 December 2019 06:54 AM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/306640
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/ehimrf/she_got_invited_out_for_coffee_by_an_old_guy/
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Comments

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red31 points32 points  (10 children) | Copy

A woman whom is with a HVM would regulate this on her own and shut his advances down. She wouldn’t risk a high value relationship to catch up with anyone.

You are not a HVM.

Just be a bitch and tell her you don’t approve. Try to do it with an ounce of frame. Less words the better and dint DEER.

Then improve yourself before it happens again.

[–]mrpthrowa12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nah I think he lost this one. No woman can recover from such loss of respect as the position in which OP's woman is, feeling openly cool with pretending these advances are ok.

OP.. women are much more clued in on relationships than you think... she knows he's interested, she wants the attention, she wants to feel wanted, by men other than YOU.

I'd just respond: "sure, go! if he wants to take you tell him I'll throw in the ring".

Write this off and move on.

[–]redismyfuture4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

The fact that she didn't laugh inside at the attempt to bed her and move on about her day is very telling.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Women love attention.

So do hot men.

Non of this is new info.

OP is not High Value enuf for his woman to self mate guard.

And he cant.

So they are just all fucked.

Starfish style.

OP prob not fucked at all.

[–]HeckleandChide1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Red nailed it.

[–]payperclickwhy[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Is there no world where your girlfriend can have coffee with an old coworker/friend from nearly a decade ago? I thought it was fine because I went to coffee one on one for work before with the opposite sex, but I knew 100% it was for work. The thing that bothers me here is that when he emailed her he never knew her relationship status and in his email told her about his recent divorce. She did shut him down initially with her reply saying that a phone call would due rather than a meetup. But then she went to me and said that she doesn't want to feel controlled in a relationship and basically pressured me to allow a meetup.

Some people are saying it's too late the damage is done and I'll look weaker if I change my mind. But you're telling me to say I don't approve.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes.

In your shitty world this is clearly a possibility.

[–]payperclickwhy[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

If you were a HV man you don't have to worry about your SO cheating. You would have an IDGAF attitude about her going out for coffee with an old acquaintance, because she would never risk losing you and cheat in the first place. Acting insecure and telling her she can't have coffee with someone from her past signals weakness - it's worry that she will cheat - worried because you believe that you're such low value that she would.

[–]i-am-the-prize4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you become HVM, she wont' risk it. simply put. So (first) it acts as a deterrent.. She may tell you about his advance, either as a shittest or more likley to 'come clean' so you don't see it later/it doesn't' come up later and she looks like she was hiding/conspiring. (another sign of HVMness)

when she came to you, and mentioned here idea of a call with him, you could have said: "that sounds like a reasonable way to catch up" and that's it. If she still pushed for: but i want to be in a relationship where i can meet old friends... then you can state your boundary:

when I'm in an LTR I don't meet people of the opposite sex one on one outside of business meetings, and I expect the same of my partner. Then STFU. You don't threaten, you don't ultimatum. This isn't about jealousy, nor insecurity, just a boundary. It also implies that if she does so, you're free to do so. And (second) this is where your HIGH VALUE would come into play again: If you're the prize, she won't want to risk losing you, even tho as a human female she will get attention and validation from him face to face and wants that a matter of course. If she knows you both CAN and WILL go get coffee with old and new friends, and they will be lining up because of your HV status, it polarizes. If she goes through with it, fine. Set your ego aside and move on.

OI wins

NGAF wins

Fear of Loss is crippling and causes more losing, ironically.

[–]juliusstreicher0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, there IS a world where a girlfriend can have an innocent cup of coffee with an ex-coworker.

Unfortunately, you are not part of that world.

Your gf not only laid down how things would be in re her Chad, she also prophesied your future, if she marries you. That "being free" bullshit is her shittest. You think that she is struggling for equity in your relationship-she thinks that you are a faggot for falling for her bullshit line that she learned from Cosmo or some other feminist source.

Along with your temper, your 'trying to control her' motif will be used throughout your marriaage, and in your divorce/custody fight.

[–]VigilantCMDR12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

ok

he wants to fuck her.

this isn't some innocent coffee date.

this really just is a shit test for her to see if you have the balls to not let her suck another guy's dick

tell her no, and be a man.

[–]JoeBuckYourslf6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly, I’d fuck her too, then invite OP out for coffee.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

The thing is, this is how guys guage interest from women that are in relationships.

I've done the exact same thing.

The thing is, some women give off a vibe that tells you to take a chance, others give a vibe that say don't even bother to ask.

You now know where you stand with yours.

Going forward, if you want to fuck it up even further try changing your mind now. That will be the ultimate demonstration of low value.

[–]payperclickwhy[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You're right. I can't change my mind now. I won't even mention it. But if it happens again I'll say no.

Is there any circumstance in which a girlfriend can go out with an old colleague/friend? I thought it seemed normal when she first brought it up, but now I'm thinking that many 1st dates are coffee meetups. They haven't talked in nearly a decade. I just found it strange that in the text he told her that he's divorced now and with kids.

[–]juliusstreicher0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

One circumstance: He's the bull.

[–]2wo2wo3hree8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

YOU ARE A NICE GUY!!! (Not a compliment)

“She introduced it to me by saying that she felt worried when she read the email because I've been jealous in the past”

-This was a fitness test and you failed miserably.

“Before I replied she said that she wants to be in a relationship where she doesn't feel worried like that, and wants to have the freedom to have a coffee with an old friend”

-I hope this is not happening through text. Anyway... Remember, a woman’s seeks love and devotion in a relationship. Not freedom. I don’t know your relationship dynamic but I would red flag that search for freedom.

“so I said no it's fine meet him if you'd like, but I have to admit it does bother me. “

-You failed to set a boundary. In fact, you did it in the most FEMININE way.

It appears you lost the frame you didn’t have to begin with. You can’t “partially red pill” bro. You will fuck it up. For now...

You need to lift weights.. hard. Go to the sidebar and read those books. They have the answers. Find them yourself

[–]part_wolf7 points8 points  (6 children) | Copy

You already fucked this up. The damage is done.

This is a clear cut example of what happens when things advance beyond congruence testing and escalate to your woman blatantly seeking attention from other men. Your woman is not getting the type of attention she wants from you, and you just implied to her that she’s welcome to go get that attention elsewhere. Whether you know it or not, you are covertly communicating all the wrong messages to your woman and it’s a major unforced error.

You endorsed your woman going on a date with a beta orbiter and you’re not okay with it. Not only are you setting yourself up for resentment, you gave the decision over to her. It’s one thing to feel jealous or insecure, but your lack of leadership and conviction is broadcasting your weakness and insecurity to your woman loud and clear. That’s unattractive.

How to avoid that in the future? Have principles and stick by them. Don’t endorse your woman going on dates with other guys.

Are you asking how to fix it? Honestly, if your relationship is where I believe it is then there’s probably no conversation you can have that’s going to make a difference. I think the best way forward is to never bring it up again; hit the weights hard, apply some dread, be very precise about gaming your woman.

Edit: I missed the part about her being an LTR and not a wife. I’d start going on dates with other women immediately and get ready to pass a lot of shit tests.

[–]payperclickwhy[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Yea nothing left to do but to be decisive in what I said to her and to continue increasing my value. I wont even ask her about it, if she made plans or if he knows she's not single. Will just ignore it and focus on myself.

My last girlfriend once told me "you can't stop someone from cheating if they want to". If she's a cheater she'll cheat anyways and I'll never know. No use in telling her not to meet an old coworker for coffee.

[–]part_wolf2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

You can still pursue what you want. Up the dread and start going on dates with other women.

[–]lotrlotr140 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

question on this: if you go on a date with another chick in this instance, how do you respond to the shit test of her saying her guy was “just an old friend”?

[–]part_wolf1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

“He’s just an old friend” is not a question. There’s no conversation you can have that will fix this. Shut the fuck up and go chop some wood.

[–]AlohaMaui8081 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

go chop some wood.

Priceless

[–]juliusstreicher0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are such a faggot.

Acting like your being a cuck, and standing firm in that, is an example of strength.

I hope you are shopping for her replacement-she's shopping for yours.

[–]tightsleeves11 points12 points  (3 children) | Copy

When she tried something like this my response was more in-line with "Oh, I didn't know we were cool with each other hanging out with people that wanted to have sex with us. ha, i've been rejecting these women that wanted to hang out with me for no reason"

[–]payperclickwhy[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Shaking my head. I did reject coffee with a woman who invited me because I thought it'd be inappropriate. What bothers me is that she texted him back that she's busy and a phone call will do, BUT then told me that she doesn't want to feel controlled and pressured me to allow it. I obviously caved in and failed

[–]ImNotSlash3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

So, what are you going to do about it?

[–]i-am-the-prize0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

bingo.

my ltr (wife) tried to dread me earlier in 2019, as my smv/fitness was skyrocketing and she hadn't yet started making improvements; she could see me getting attention and compliments and such... so she did (demonstrated) what all women have natively - abundance, thinking it would scare me... specifically how she got hit on, by whom, and how she turned him down, all with a sly grin on her face. I laughed and said: "well, do what you want, just let me know when it's cool for us to start accepting "innocent coffee dates" as I've turned down too many to count at this point"

she went from gloat-smiling in her recollection of his attention to a grimace, "I was just kidding... you know i'd never..." me: <shrugs> "whatever, just let me know if the rules change"

first and last time she's tried that shit like that (ie: for effect).

OI and NGAF when truly internalized combined with "whomever in the relationship needs the other less has the power in the relationship" wins the day.

[–]redwall925 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do you want to be in a place with a woman where you worry about this happening anytime/all the time? God I hope not.

If you're woman is really that LV, then hopefully divorced old guy friend rails her in the car after their coffee 'date'. Right? Easy-peasy.

Or do you to believe you are really with a woman that's this LV ... and hopefully you can keep her chained up long enough ... so that maybe she likes you more? If that's the case, then just put a ring on it already, bro! Rings solve everything like this.

You want to be happy. She wants to be happy.

Now ... go pursue your own hapiness.

[–]juliusstreicher2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

She asks your thoughts, and, before you answer her, she lectures you as to why she's going to do it.

She is going to see if he is worth dumping you.

She said you may come along...in her second date...like some retarded step child. Doesn't that tell you who values the relationship and who doesnt???

You need to start shopping for her replacement, like yesterday. If she comes back, unfucked, this doesn't mean that she realized your value-it just means that she realized that her boyfriend was much lower value than even you.

IOW, find her replacement. Don't dump her till you have the replacement, but, start using condoms when you fuck her, cause she's on the hunt for new weiners.

[–]DeepReindeer1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That's the part to internalize here, she's on the hunt for new wieners. She is keeping her options open and meeting with other possible suitors because her current man seems a little gay.

[–]ImNotSlash5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

It bothers you because you're weak. Work on that first.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

LTR. Living with her ? Plans for marraige?

So WTF ? Sidebar. Mate guarding unattractive as fuck

[–]payperclickwhy[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I get it, mate guarding is unattracative. But what do you do when you think a line is about to be crossed? How about setting boundaries and saying "I'm not ok with my SO having one on one meetups with a guy, especially if he's interested or thinks she's available"

[–]2wo2wo3hree0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"I'm not ok with my SO having one on one meetups with a guy, especially if he's interested or thinks she's available"

-Put absolutely no importance to that shit. “Meh, Let’s not do that, (Redirect w/ game) how about you take me out for coffee.” Make it into a frame developing move.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

abundance mentality.

Let her decide to push a boundary and you just sit back and laugh it off. You are the prize.

[–]Whammywham0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeh but mate guarding doesn’t mean don’t do anything about it. The most effective way to not mate guard is to say your not cool with it but you won’t stop her and then take other women out before the coffee date even happens.

[–]jacksarmy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's going on dates with other guys that want to fuck her. Have you children? If not NEXT

[–]Whammywham0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ask her what’s the point? After all these years of not talking... what’s the point? Why’s it so important now? She says she doesn’t want a relationship where she can’t have coffee with an old friend. Ask her if either of them were 300 pounds would this happening? I’d tell her I don’t want a marriage we’re she gives access to every man that asks for it. I’d tell her I’m not cool with it but I won’t stop her. And then I’d hanging out and has drinks with every woman that says yes and I’d step back from our relationship.

Have her read this. https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Shirley-P.-Glass-Jean-Coppock-Staeheli-Not-_Just-Friends__-Rebuilding-Trust-and-Recovering-Your-Sanity-After-Infidelity.pdf

[–]juliusstreicher0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Her: " What should I do?"

You: "It depends on if you have a current relationship that you want to keep."



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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