Hi all. It's been a while since my last post. I'm a good year into my MAP. I'm 42 and wife is 43. Both in good physical shape and we lead an active life. Second marriage. Been together over 4 years, married just over 2 years. 4 children (2 are mine, 2 are hers) that all get along well.
6'1" 215 lbs with good solid lifts. Bench 335, squat 410, dead lift 435.
Relationship and sex life is good. However I do get called selfish, a jerk, and on occasion, have been outright asked if I've cheated / am cheating on her (I am not and have not). I usually use AA, deflection, and sometimes fogging (which completely diffuses her) when she rants about this. When it ends in her being rude and disrespectful (i.e. I get called a name), I end the conversation with a boundary and she usually comes back hours later and apologizes, and other times just drops it.
I wrote an article on here about 8 months ago about getting a loan for my business (borrowed against the house, which I had before the marriage and is still only in my name). I have a wife that is very tight and conservative with money. She had no debt when I married her (still doesn't), and she has a great job and is a big saver. I always had my home equity line and have used it over the years (paying it off and reborrowing) before I met her, so it's always been a behavioral pattern I've had. I took a draw 8 months back and she found out and confronted me. I said in a nutshell. "yep, took money for the business." She got pissed and called me a "liar by omission", which, in her eyes, hurt her trust and confidence in me. She gave me extensive grief, which I had to put up a boundary, but my actions (at least the way I handled them) caused some damage to my relationship. Now that I look back, I made a mistake by not disclosing up front. My bad. Maybe my old nice guy persona was subconsciously afraid of her reaction... don't know, don't care, but I've improved and I run things better now. Because of this, I've had expressions (from her) of broken trust and have been outright asked if I'm cheating. I made that bed, and have dealt with lying in it. I share this story because it has a point in the next section.
A couple nights ago, we were planning a trip for next month. I reserved and paid for the hotel and plane tickets. She asked about the rewards program for the hotel, so I gave her the logon info for my rewards account and she logged in and put the info in for the reward. She scrolled through the rewards history and saw charges / rewards for a local budget motel on a Friday night, a couple months back. She immediately blew up and confronted me, accusing me of laying with some whore. I blew it off and told her it was one of my employees stayed late to finish a job and worked the next morning (Saturday), which was the truth. She didn't believe me and and brought up how I was untrustworthy because of the home equity loan I wrote about above, I was a known liar (because of that). I actually shrugged and said, "you're right, we did have an issue about the home equity loan, and I can see this issue with you seeing the motel reward is making you upset.... I told you the truth about the situation, if you don't believe me I can't help that." She erupted and demanded proof and to see my phone, to which I have not complied. She demanded to know why it was in my name and had our address in it, and that it must be me.
I do have proof that it was paid for on an employee's credit card and I have a copy of the signed slip by the employee. I don't feel I'm under any obligation to explain myself. In fact, I'm tempted to let the hamster run and use it as dread. I hope she digs through the computer or my phone "when I'm not looking." It may be fun to see what happens. Who know, who cares?
My question is, am I handling this optimally or should I break down and comfort her by offering proof. She hasn't brought it back up, so I let it go. Should I stay my course through fogging and maintaining boundaries, or should I give in and show her comfort? I can see pros and cons either way, but I lean toward the former. Blast away guys.