Throwaway.
I am a teen girl (16) trying to improve myself. I am not pretty, and I don't come from a great household. I look VERY masculine and am unhealthy (despite being a healthy weight) and am unhappy with myself. I want to be a cute, girly, feminine teen girl, the best version of myself. I feel bad when I see cute, pretty petite girly girls at school, I have huge shoulders, hands and feet, a long big gaunt asymmetrical face, huge forehead, tired eyes, bad bone structure, huge body frame, weight gain on my stomach, I am very hairy, huge hands and feet, short muscular neck, so many bad features I can't change or even hide with makeup.
I wish I was naturally beautiful and cute. I also want to have a nice personality, and be happy with myself. My mannerisms are also aggressive sometimes, which conflicts with my gentle shy personality. I have very bad posture too. I have a crush on this guy who I have liked since 7 grade (11th now) and we used to be friends, but now we don't talk even though we are in the same Spanish class. I see him talking and laughing with this cute girly girl who sits at my table, she is adorable and quirky and funny, looks feminine and I feel so insecure around her. Her best friend, Cindy, is also in that class and looks even more cute and pretty, she is quiet and calm, but gets energetic around her best friend, they have such a cute dynamic, they are short and cute, always holding hands and giggling.
I am nothing like that due to being raised to be insecure about being myself, I feel like I am too mature for my age, I feel like the girls at school are all so youthful and I am an old masculine woman. I have had someone tell me that they can't be completely themself around me because I am too formal. I get along well with most people and have acquaintances, but am alone at lunch every day because they go off with their real friends.
I don't know what to do at all. I used to be very into red pill but I realized I am much more liberal than I thought (but not a feminist), and this sub made me feel very depressed and made me despise myself, so I stopped reading or believing in it. But now I am not sure what to do. School starts in 2 hours, j haven't slept yet and I'm scared to go...
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