28, 125lb, 5'3", 5x5, squat 205, bench 125, OHP 95,row 125, dead 220
Read: MMSLP, NMMNG, WISNIFG, SGM, 6 pillars of self-esteem, currently book of pook
Been working MRP for about a year. Seeing physical gains. Lost 50lb. T is low 300s and I'm making an appointment to fix this. The gym has created confidence in myself. My small frame presents issues (physical and mental) that I'm learning how to deal with.
Anger stage hit hard and lasted for months. The info here is amazing once you "get it" but was hard to break my initial programming (career beta). Took time to marinade. I got into hobbies, and get out of the house 2-3 nights a week.
It seems that the more progress I make, the more my wife resents me. She likes me less, seems less attracted. The shit tests are bitchy and often shitty/comfort. I pass (A&A, AM, kiss on the head, short hug, STFU) but a lot of themes are recurring each time. I see her giving others her best, but it's never given to me. I've been testing out upping baseline comfort but can't shake the feeling that I'm rewarding bad behavior.
I want to know when to throw in the towel, or to send a life raft. I haven't spoken my mission into existence, so I wonder if that's a missing piece. There's no common thread pulling us forward. The tow rope doesn't seem to be tightening, I just see her getting smaller in the distance. I am working on my daily leadership, as that seems to be the next stepping stone to progress (giving her jobs, planning daily activities).
Am I just a dancing monkey that's not getting the reaction I desire? It seems like at this point, I should be seeing some progress from her in one way or another.
Abundance is an issue for me, which I'm actively battling. I'm becoming more comfortable chatting up strangers and I know that with more practice, I can succeed here. I had oneitus for years, but the farther I get into this, the less value I see her bringing to my life. I just care less and less about her as I focus more and more on my mission. She seems to care less too.
I'm a valuable man (finding and believing in my own value again). I am willing to walk away if that's what it takes to live in congruence with who I am.
Consider this my entrance. See you in OYS.