I'm the nice guy. Where did I fuck up?

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January 18, 2020

Been seeing a hot 24 year old for over a year now. I don't see her often, 4-7 times a month maybe. She ran into my friend at the bar last night and he was telling her what a nice guy I was and that she should treat me right and all that and she told me she likes how nice I am to her and how I treat her how she wants to be treated. Yet she told me months into the relationship that she likes assholes and she told her friend I'm too nice.

Now compare me to her ex. A guy she dated for 4 years. A guy who cheated on her multiple times, yet she got back together with him. A guy who hit her, calls her a cunt, bitch, whore, retard, stupid, all that. She said it was fun and hot dating an asshole when she was younger because it would keep her on her toes and she didn't want to fuck up. But now she's 24 and wants to be treated how she deserves to be treated.

Then there's me. The guy who somehow fills this nice guy role. I don't pay for her, we always split, we hardly argue, I put my work and gym before her, don't compliment her, yet she still views me as the nice guy. I don't get it. But I'm not the type to cheat or call her names.

I may not be redpilled yet, but I know that chicks dig jerks, love the emotional roller coaster that they put her through, all that shit. I just don't know where I went wrong. I don't want to be seen as the beta that she settles with.

Post Information
Title I'm the nice guy. Where did I fuck up?
Author hopingforclearskin
Upvotes 87
Comments 76
Date 18 January 2020 03:31 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/311731
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/eqhprq/im_the_nice_guy_where_did_i_fuck_up/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev145 points146 points  (4 children) | Copy

Stop comparing yourself to her ex.

Also, introduce light bondage into the bedroom.

Uncle Vasya’s Guide to Submissive Women

-How to lead when she wants to follow.

Of Human Bondage – Uncle Vasya’s Guide for Men Who Like To Tie Up Young Ladies.

-The Field Guide to playing knotty games with naughty girls.

Of Human Bondage, Part II: Slave Girls Are Fun

-When Life Sends You a Slave Girl, Put a Collar on Her.

[–]caius10032 points33 points  (0 children) | Copy

I genuinely love you man.

[–]TRPGaveMeLife12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy


[–]RPNorvell[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This guy gets a month long vacation to find and read "respect the tag".

[–]MotiMorphosys79 points80 points  (4 children) | Copy

If you're fucking her and not investing in her, you're not beta.

Keep fucking her and focus on investing in her less. Also make sure she's not the only good pussy you have. Your goal is progress on you, not with her. She is a stepping stone.

[–]jzekyll61 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

And OP could become the asshole incrementally

[–]MotiMorphosys0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

viewed as an asshole by SJWs incrementally yes.

Viewed as a prize a high-value attractive women incrementally, also yes.

[–]mickey__0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

What did you mean by investing in her less?

[–]MotiMorphosys0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Spending less money, emotional energy, and time with your clothes on.

[–]muricanwerewolf153 points54 points  (11 children) | Copy

The difference is you’re giving her everything she asks for. You don’t have to be a monster, but for a woman to have the tingles she has to be wondering “what is he doing right now?” She puts her head down at night knowing exactly what you’re up to. She doesn’t have to worry about some other woman snatching you up. It’s boring. To reiterate, you don’t need to be an asshole. What you need to be is the kind of guy where it’s a win for her to keep you.

Your goddamn friend isn’t doing you any favors either. Ironically, if he had said something along the lines of “you’re still dating? I could have sworn I saw him with someone else the other day” her hamster would spin up like a plane engine.

Like the great Patrice said, a woman needs to know her man can still fish. She thinks you’ve sold your rods and no fish would ever bite if you tried to throw out a line. I’d suggest at the least trying to develop some flirting and cold approach skills.

[–]Greek-God-Brody13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy

I believe you are very much right.

Also, it's not that he is a nice guy, it's probably that he is not thrilling / exciting enough for her.

[–]mickey__0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How to be that exciting and thrilling guy?

[–]theyearsstartcomin2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

if he had said something along the lines of “you’re still dating? I could have sworn I saw him with someone else the other day”

No, that will cause problems

Something like "Huh, well id be careful. This is usually about the time he moves on"

Or some such. Implies he usually gets bored, but might not be? But he could! But is he?

[–]muricanwerewolf11 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Sure, yours is probably better. Just about anything could be better than “he’s a sweetheart and you gotta treat him nice” was my point.

[–]theyearsstartcomin1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]thechaosz5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

I realize I do this naturally. In my band I was called the chaos. Still my handle. I'm all over the place, but also good looking and in shape, educated, well read with some talents.

Woman like me mostly, I stay out way too late, do crazy shit occasionally, drink too much, am spontaneous etc. I with younger and milfs alike.

It's just who I am, but drives girls I'm seeing/plating/fwbs nuts. I know there's a large contingent of trp thanks you should just be a professional guy, and lift weights and never drink and never be irresponsible, but chicks will eventually find that boring even if you're a high-value man. Especially young ones. Older ones will find it attractive but eventually start to stray.

I never want to marry, I don't like relationships, I don't want children and want to do whatever the hell I want. This works for me. Adjust accordingly depending on your goals

[–]TreatYouLikeAQuean3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I know there's a large contingent of trp thanks you should just be a professional guy, and lift weights and never drink and never be irresponsible, but chicks will eventually find that boring even if you're a high-value man.

For sure agree with this even though I am the guy that lifts weights/never drinks.

Bodybuilding is a huge passion so that regimented lifestyle of training + 8 hours of sleep is what it takes to build an elite physique. I know for sure having the physique I did/do now has made me way more attractive and helped me get girls including an attractive LTR.

But yeah I'm sure it has lowered my overall attraction to some extent.

[–]Velebit2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

You are a gen x narcissistic hedonist. What you offer is no red pills but merely a way for to a sterile and lonely life of trying to stimulate your sensory organs chasing various highs and basically living to scratch an itch.

Look up r selected and fast life history. Literally an error of how you are wired.

[–]OlderRedBrother1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Can you explain r selected and fast life history or at least expand more?

I struggle with the hedonist shit sometimes would just like you to expand more if you see this

[–]Velebit7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah sure. What is meants by r selected is the counterside to K selected. There is a scale from r to K and that is biological terminology that can be noticed with some parralels in human behavior. R sel species are most species of rabbits and rats for example, they show little in group loyalty, don't invest a lot in mutual relationships or a community, they don't cooperate to achieve anything and moms eat their kids if she gets hungry. They are also very promiscuous and lead chaotic and unpredictable lives with very high tolerance to risk. They are also VERY easy to influence by simple stimulus.

On the other hand you got species like wolves, hawks, orcas and elephants who are K selected. They are very strongly bonded, have lifelong friendships and relationships and rely on each other, they form hierarchies, have social roles and are selective about breeding and when they have babies they invest A LOT into them and are in general willing to sacrifice for their community.

In general highly intelligent are K selected. Among humans, the populations that exhibit highest K selection are Jews and east Asians and their high IQs are also relevant factors.

When you think of r selected think of white trash and tropical populations that have low fatherhood participation in family life, love for promiscuous, thug and hood things, fast cars, vices and get into random excitement for no good reasons like being very very 'alpha' when a cop stops you so you get shot. Hence why fast life history strategy. These are people who live fast, unpredictable and exciting lives, they have much much higher risk of getting stds, arrests, shot at, raped etc

They dont tend to care about society: they dont tend to vote, do family or community events, volunteer or do any sort of civic engagement, they tend to be atheists and only put forward a sort of liking towards being non judgemental since that is important to them for obvious reasons. These are not the people who build societies up but who pull them down as they thrive on disorder and basically undermining society, doing things society does not approve and especially at turning well adjusted members into ruined copies of themselves (think of the archeotype of a tattoed up sinful man ruining a naive young blonde girl who goes to church or something).

These people tend to have certain personality traits and have sad childhoods.

[–]OlderRedBrother1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Interesting perspective! Thanks 👍

[–]bottomLobster17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

The problem is, over time you'll get even more interested in her while she will get bored with your "nice guy" personality. Although she knows you would be good for her, she has already shown by being with the ex that she cannot control herself in this regard.

So enjoy your turn while it lasts, but she sounds like a big no no for a LTR

And also, go see other girls, seeing her 4 times a month is not a relationship, she is probably fucking someone else anyway as well.

[–]MalikDoJo16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy

This is so stupid lmfao. Treating somebody like a human isn't an issue. If she wants to be abused just let her go be abused

[–]TreatYouLikeAQuean9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

man absolutely. How do guys here not get tired of playing these stupid games with girls in hopes they might find them "more alpha."

[–]MalikDoJo3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't know. A lot of stuff I read on here is actually pretty ret***** in the name of being alpha. I'm not going to pull out a playbook lol. Just state you're not with the bullshit and do what you want.

[–]MOSFETBJT11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you're a decent guy, don't try to be "more alpha" just to stop being a nice guy for this girl. That's actually the opposite of what you wanna do.

It sounds to me that you're doing just fine.

[–]TehJimmyy25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy

welcome to this clown world

[–]mgtowthrowawayman23 points24 points  (2 children) | Copy

Damaged goods brother . You seem like a really nice guy so I won’t torch you but she’s only using you as a break from the madness she Desperately needs. She’ll be back to him or a similar guy behind your back if you keep messing with her. As you said she loves the emotional roller coaster

[–]fannyfire2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Couldn’t have said it better myself. That’s why he needs to leave her ass. She’s alpha widowed. She will yearn for that dysfunctional relationship she once had. Unless that guy turns into a psychopath she’s going to bore of him very easily.

[–]mgtowthrowawayman1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It might be too much out of his usual frame for her to digest as she doesn’t look to get her alpha needs from him . If he does even just half the shit she’s used too she’ll think of him as a jerk that was pretending to be nice and like all the other guys when she thought he was different (beta bucks). She put him in one category and expects him to stay there .

[–]fannyfire36 points37 points  (9 children) | Copy

You should next this girl dude. Any woman who dates a guy like that is damaged goods. Run for the fucking hills and don’t look back.

[–]PepeApuSmidgeMarvNog8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

He will learn this lesson with her eventually. OP probably isn’t as beta as he thinks he is but she still an alpha widow.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy


[–]PepeApuSmidgeMarvNog5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

An alpha widow? I would not go as far to ever say that any man who hits women (/children/anyone weaker than him) is an alpha. He’s a fucking coward

Jesus fucking Christ. Stop white knighting.

Whether he is or isn’t s real alpha is irrelevant. To her, he was. And she loved the behavior. That’s the only reason she stuck around and is still hung up on this dude. She is an alpha widow. Just like your mom. They simply cannot resist the tingles of the alpha bad boy.

[–]porkmissiles0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think you have misunderstood the psychology of alpha-widowhood.

[–]porkmissiles1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Not sure why this is currently the most controversial comment. Most accurate IMO and it's pure sidebar.

[–]fannyfire1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Hadn’t looked at this post in 12 hours. I’m surprised that the top comment is encouraging him to stay with her.

[–]clausternn0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She's hot and OP is currently getting all he wants from her with little to no investment.

You can tell him never to marry her, you can tell him to spin other plates concurrently, but nexting her would be fucking stupid. I swear, some people on TRP say "next" over anything.

[–]fannyfire0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It’s an easy next because he’s not ready for a relationship like this. He admitted he’s not RP yet. He’s more likely to catch feelings for her and try to save-a-ho. Ejecting from a severely emotionally damaged woman doesn’t sound like a bad idea if you have abundance. If he had abundance this post wouldn’t be here. He knows he can’t handle it and because most of this sub lacks abundance he’s being given poor advice to stay with her. There are plenty of women who are not physically and emotionally abused. You don’t have to eat everything you catch.

[–]RPNorvell[M] 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're a plow horse.

[–]Nastynatee1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]dark_rabbit11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

  1. 4-7 times a month is a lot. But who cares, I don’t know why you brought that up.
  2. Not being abusive to your plate/LTR doesn’t make you a “nice guy”. It makes you a decent human being.
  3. Fuck anyone that hits women, why would you even compare yourself to that guy?

[–]thechaosz3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she's just a hot random fuck?

Idk....As long as they aren't dating exclusively I don't see a problem unless it's always on her terms

[–]diehard11946 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You said it yourself. You are a nice guy and that is boring. Everything is safe and predictable with you.

[–]MarkJohnPaul7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not hard to be a “nice guy” if the last guy was beating her lmao. Her perception of that word is based on getting hit and called a cunt etc...

[–]zboo1h5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

You fucked up by giving a shit what some holes wants from you or anyone.

What the fuck does that have to do with your mission in life?

[–]DrJamming2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think you got only one problem here - realizing that you're not the one with the problem. Notice how she fondly remembers her mega jerk ex, and now is "past that phase"? No she's not.

She is damaged and I sure as hell can't say if it's fixable. Her previous relationship made her believe that she is gutter trash and men of value (her ex) will see that and treat her adequatly. Men that treat her like an equal or even worse - with love and respect - must clearly be of inferior value. This isn't something concious, it's her subconciousness, a.k.a. vagi-tingles.

If you ask me it's not you that needs to jerk up, it's her that needs theraphy. I would dump her ass pronto and move on. If her pussy requires you to be more like her ex, whose ways you don't approve of, then it's not time for you to change the game, it's time for her to hit the road.

[–]Velebit2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You are treating the word nice as an insult which means you are not in right place in your head. You are paranoid of being taken advantage of, being seen as not very manly and compared in a bad way.

By nice this particular trashy girl means 'not abusive'... 'not starting unnecessary drama'... 'cooperative'... she does not mean she has you around her little finger you goof. You are reading too much into it and that does not come from a position of confidence but of vulnerability and fear. No amount of gym and status will change that, you have to be genuine with yourself.

[–]latinmax681 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

IMO this is the best response. It’s all about frame control, and the frame he operates in is that being nice is a negative trait.

[–]GearaltofRivia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]Zero-Milk1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe that's just a lack of chemistry rather than anything you're doing wrong. Think about it this way: you've probably had chicks in the past that were into you, but you didn't feel the same in the end. It happens. TRP isn't about getting hung up on one broad, so keep on trucking and put this one behind you.

It could also be that she's damaged goods like the rest of the thread is saying. In which case, double the reason not to allow yourself to become so hung up on what she thinks about you.

[–]1Red_Pill_Brotherhood1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You dont have to be one extreme or the other. Do follow uncle Vasya's comment though.

[–]yvnglucifer1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nothing wrong with being a nice guy as long as you hold frame and don’t sacrifice for her. Don’t try to be like her ex he sounds like an emotionally stunted tool. Redpill isn’t about being mean and possessive it’s about being intelligent and not a loser who will repulse her away.

[–]RedPillAlphaBigCock1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

you're doing everything right - keep going and keep lifting

[–]porkmissiles1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Previously dating an abusive guy like that (and for 4 years no less!) is an absolute exclusion criteria for anything more than occasional meaningless fucking for me.

To each their own though.

[–]Subutai_Baghatur0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You probably didn’t fuck up, it’s just all relative. Her ex was an asshole so you’re a nice[er] guy to her. To another girl who didn’t have an asshole ex, you may not be nice.

Enjoy fucking her for as long as her attraction lasts, the longer it does the less nice you know you actually are. If it starts to seem like she’s only fucking out of duty to you then it’s your sign to leave.

Whatever you or she does; do not commit to her.

[–]user201806201 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think this is the actual top comment.

If OP is getting what he wants... He's golden. So long as he doesn't get oneitis, that is.

And yeah, tread carefully if this girl ever hints at an ltr. With a girl that stayed with an abuser, you can't drop frame ever.

I don't think she's an alpha widow... But she definitely is a flight risk if she gets bored.

[–]OfficerWade0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The answer here is two fold. Don’t talk to her about her ex more than once when it naturally occurs to her that you might replace him and then don’t compare yourself to anyone. It’s pointless. It’s a rabbit hole that goes nowhere, fast. Maybe she thinks if you find her available it will be easier for you to invite her in your life. Good luck

[–]hibloodstevia0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You have bad genes, your behavior is the giveaway.

[–]nordicpolarbear1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No her ex has bad genes and he ruined the chick. This guy is walking the oneitis tight rope

[–]Chadster1130 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Break up with her

[–]rockyp320 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I feel like these woman are the equivalent to guys that are porn addicts. Something is wrong with the woman it is damaged goods. Just like some dude getting into kinks like hentai it’s not natural but at some point in time she grew an attachment to that feeling. It sounds like her ex was very exciting although toxic. Your a good dude but maybe ur being too noce to her? Don’t be mean but just take her off the pedestal like treat her like she’s not very special. U may do that with your actions like I’m going to the gym I’ll talk later. But maybe your holding back verbally a little bit? Make that sting a little more so it’s more exciting to her or just leave the damaged goods

[–]jenovajunkie0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The moment you gave a shit of who others think you are, instead of who you are.

[–]Jovan10000 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

One thing brother is to put her AFTER your work and gym.

[–]porkmissiles0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That's what he said. I had to read it twice too.

[–]Jovan10000 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Oh ok ✅

[–]bonabooboo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

drop her like a piping hot, steamy bag of pumpkin-spice scented dog shit.

[–]Kizzou0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What purpose does this girl serve in your life other than sex? She sounds like an utter waste of time. She probably sees you as the nice guy because she knows she's a mess yet you still hang out with her

[–]WiterS20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's why you don't date 24+

You get the alpha leftovers.

[–]SteveUrkel9990 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think you know the answer deep down in yourself, but you have difficulty accepting it.

I've been in the same situation long time ago. I think you've come to a conclusion that this ex is her first choice. She still suffer for him, think about him and blame herself that she wasn't able to change him, or at least be good enough for him to keep her. You are her second, or any other choice, and you realize no matter what you do, you will always be just that - the backup guy to be with.

I know this shit is hard to swallow, but you must swallow it and move on with your life. Fucking appreciate and respect yourself enough that you don't want to be some girls reserve boyfriend because she wasn't able to be with the one who is her first choice. I can guarantee you that she will cheat you with him the first time she have a chance with that guy; of course, if she didn't already do it.

I've overcome this and my ego wasn't destroyed, it has become stronger. I now focus only on looking for girls long term that will look a guy who is like me and wouldn't consider me as second, third or any other option. I am also able to accept that it might take long time to find a girl like that, or maybe I won't even be able to find it. No matter what happen to me in the future, I respect myself enough that I will not allow myself to be someone backup plan, and I would recommend to every other guy out there to do the same. We need to have standards and pursue our own development which will lead us into position where we can have girls that will want only us, and we can be that girl first choice. I think this is the only way toward having a successful long term relationship.

Being purely nice with added muscles will not cut it, becoming more masculine and dominant with women will create more opportunities. You don't have to be a pushover and total jerk, but you don't have to be just nice with women. They are drawn to masculinity, and you have to find ways to balance that you're a good person, but come across as a person to whom people shouldn't fuck with easily. I think a lot about this has already been written many times here.

[–]watchguy450 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I’m going to go a different direction here. This has been successful for me . Disappear for 5 or so days for no reason. Pop back and if she asks where you been, say “seemed like you needed space”

Should help.

[–]27billion2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]user201806200 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Can you expand on that? What was the successful result of this action, compared to the prior state?


[–]learning00070 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Do you even know what redpill is, read the sidebar and check back in in three months

[–]madfrombrad-3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Women use “nice” when they mean HOT. It’s one of the million facets of ASD.

Ever been with a bitch who had a boyfriend? You probably heard her call him an “asshole” but as we know women like that.

Women use nice = hot and asshole = ugly to motivate betas to provide for them.

She is preselecting you, case closed

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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