I have been with my wife for nearly 6 years, 3 kids. I'm a fit guy, and not hypersocial but do have friends. No deadbedroom, but she doesn't have a lot of desire for it.
The thing is, I'm killing my relationship and don't know if it's too late to fix it.
Since last september I've had this nagging feeling that she's cheating on me. And even when every rational examination shows otherwise, still the feeling persists. Which has led to me mateguarding and checking her messages, basically worrying all the time. This worrying I feel has made her resent me even more.
Come January, I leave for university 2 hours away, which means I'm only home for the weekends. I start to build dread, as most of the students there are female. I basically go Rambo - she sends me these lovey dovey messages and I seldomly answer. I ramp up the sexuality in our interactions, and that's where I can see that she doesn't like it. I thought our relationship would get more exciting with all that distance. But it got worse. These two weekends I have been home she has been even colder than before I left. I feel like I'm raping her.
Last sunday I found out that she has been secretly seeing a mutual friend since I've been gone. I'm not worried about him, but why keep it a secret? So after sunday my paranoia has been on overdrive. I mean, if she lies about something, she might aswell lie about something else. She did say that she didn't tell me because she thought I would be jealous, which in light of recent events I do understand. But I'm paranoid now.
I video call her everyday and seek endless approval, trying to fix whats left of our relationship. If she says shes been at home, I can't believe it. So I accuse her of lying, even though theres no reason to.
I know I should to keep my frame, but it's so god damn painful to imagine her slipping away from me. And at the same time I know, that the more I grasp the further she goes. And if she doesn't text me enough I get even more paranoid.
What the heck should I do? How do I man up?
I lift, meditate, read the sidebar, but can't shake this feeling.