659,329 posts

My insecurity is killing my marriage

by Wokmichelin | January 22, 2020 | askMRP

16 upvotes

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I have been with my wife for nearly 6 years, 3 kids. I'm a fit guy, and not hypersocial but do have friends. No deadbedroom, but she doesn't have a lot of desire for it.

The thing is, I'm killing my relationship and don't know if it's too late to fix it.

Since last september I've had this nagging feeling that she's cheating on me. And even when every rational examination shows otherwise, still the feeling persists. Which has led to me mateguarding and checking her messages, basically worrying all the time. This worrying I feel has made her resent me even more.

Come January, I leave for university 2 hours away, which means I'm only home for the weekends. I start to build dread, as most of the students there are female. I basically go Rambo - she sends me these lovey dovey messages and I seldomly answer. I ramp up the sexuality in our interactions, and that's where I can see that she doesn't like it. I thought our relationship would get more exciting with all that distance. But it got worse. These two weekends I have been home she has been even colder than before I left. I feel like I'm raping her.

Last sunday I found out that she has been secretly seeing a mutual friend since I've been gone. I'm not worried about him, but why keep it a secret? So after sunday my paranoia has been on overdrive. I mean, if she lies about something, she might aswell lie about something else. She did say that she didn't tell me because she thought I would be jealous, which in light of recent events I do understand. But I'm paranoid now.

I video call her everyday and seek endless approval, trying to fix whats left of our relationship. If she says shes been at home, I can't believe it. So I accuse her of lying, even though theres no reason to.

I know I should to keep my frame, but it's so god damn painful to imagine her slipping away from me. And at the same time I know, that the more I grasp the further she goes. And if she doesn't text me enough I get even more paranoid.

What the heck should I do? How do I man up?

I lift, meditate, read the sidebar, but can't shake this feeling.


Post Information
Title My insecurity is killing my marriage
Author Wokmichelin
Upvotes 16
Comments 97
Date 22 January 2020 10:11 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/313303
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/es9ypj/my_insecurity_is_killing_my_marriage/
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Comments

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando52 points53 points  (26 children) | Copy

OK - let me transalate this through the Hamsturbater ;

I'm a fit guy =

I'm so skinny, I can see my abs

not hypersocial =

I never go out

No deadbedroom =

she gives me duty sex once a month

but she doesn't have a lot of desire for it =

she is not attracted to me

I'm killing my relationship =

I killed my relationship a long time ago. I just don't know it yet.

Since last september I've had this nagging feeling that she's cheating on me =

She's been fucking someone else since last September

And even when every rational examination shows otherwise, still the feeling persists =

my gut feeling is correct but I don't want to admit it

I start to build dread, as most of the students there are female =

I don't know what dread is

I basically go Rambo =

I don't know what going Rambo is

she sends me these lovey dovey messages and I seldomly answer =

Mongo like Beta Games

I ramp up the sexuality in our interactions =

I asked her if she might like to give me some oral sex if she wasn't too busy

and that's where I can see that she doesn't like it =

she doesn't like it

I thought our relationship would get more exciting with all that distance =

Mongo really like Beta Games

But it got worse =

It has been terrible for ages but I've only just realised it

I feel like I'm raping her =

she feels like you are raping her

Last sunday I found out that she has been secretly seeing a mutual friend since I've been gone =

she's been fucking our friend since I've been gone

I'm not worried about him =

I'm not worried about him but I should be

but why keep it a secret? =

she doesn't want you to know that she's fucking him

I mean, if she lies about something, she might aswell lie about something else =

she is lying to you

I video call her everyday and seek endless approval, trying to fix whats left of our relationship =

I am a needy, validation seeking Beta with Oneitis

If she says shes been at home, I can't believe it. So I accuse her of lying, even though theres no reason to =

there's every reason not to believe her, yet I'm hamstering it away as being my own paranoia

I know I should to keep my frame =

I have zero frame

And if she doesn't text me enough I get even more paranoid =

I have zero frame

When I first started studying 2 weeks ago, I think I got some frame to me =

I have zero frame

and abundance. But she shot it down with a 12 gauge.=

I have zero frame

I lift, meditate, read the sidebar, but can't shake this feeling. Every day she is less and less attracted to me because of my insecurity =

she hasn't been attracted to you for months, maybe even years and is fucking someone else. Your neediness compounds to this lack of attraction but it's not the cause of the problem, just another symptom

// Update: Shortly after posting this, she told me that a male childhood friend (that she hasn't seen in years) is coming in for coffee =

she's going to fuck him too

I reacted stoically =

I'm freaking out

It's starting to feel like a massive shit test, seeing this guy and seeing that guy =

she is fucking other dudes and I'm hamstering that away as a shit test.

But she did act honest, so I respect that =

she gaslighted you

[–]WolfofAllStreetz36 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy

“Finish Him..”

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was afraid to read that....

[–]FoxShitNasty836 points7 points  (9 children) | Copy

Lol I think he just shit himself

I predict anger + Rambo = mommy will get mad

Or he will take a long sip of STFU calm down and start making improvements.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando13 points14 points  (8 children) | Copy

I see him doubling down on the improvement side, building a better Beta, sex life gradually moving towards an acceptable level, duty sex becomes less rapey, she even lets him kiss her now.

Then one day he wakes up and thinks.. what the fuck am I doing? Why am I still married to this cheating whore?

[–]RedPillGlasses0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He was the Beta, but now he’s gone five days a week while she raises the kids.

OP never had Alpha status, now he gave up his Beta status. She won’t divorce him, because he makes precisely fuck all for money, will just continue to cheat on him.

Eventually she will find a stronger branch to swing to.

Motivates me to keep my sex game strong and get my finance game stronger.

[–]becoming_alpha2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

[–]RedPillGlasses11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy

Faggot you have three kids. Why are you going to a university where you’re GONE 5 days a week?

Assuming you actually mean college, you abandoned your wife and kids to go NOT make money?

Do online college, do night classes, do distance learning, as least you’re home with the family.

[–]RP_PO4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

How is his wife going to get dicked up all the time if he does online classes though?

[–]RedPillGlasses-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I volunteer as tribute

[–]so_woke_da_wookie9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

Other guys are better suited to talk on boundaries and boundaries enforcement.

Check out my OYS this week about my own journey from paranoia.

You have oneitis. You don’t have frame. And you don’t have abundance.

Fit doesn’t count. Lift and post your 5x5 stats

Simple actions you can take immediately:

2/3 rule on all communications from now.

Divorce Prep see a lawyer this week

OYS Weekly

[–]SelectAirline7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Since last september I've had this nagging feeling that she's cheating on me

You had a comment from right around September saying that you weren't married and hadn't even proposed yet. Did you actually go though with the marriage because you thought it would stop her from cheating?

[–]RP_PO6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I would say your frame is shit, but let’s be honest: you have no frame. You are so encased in her frame it has squeezed you and your balls into non existence. You don’t exist as a human person, much less a man. When you live so deep in someone else’s frame, and have such deep oneitis, you cease to exist. Think about that.

Search blindly on the floor of your “existence” and find your balls. Then nurture those nanoparticles until they turn into something passable as testicles, and maybe they’ll secrete one molecule of testosterone again.

Then find some fucking anger. She’s let at least two dudes barrel into her crotch. You’re not worried about them? Because they, what? Are not attractive or alpha? She considers them more attractive and alpha than you, that’s why they’re mashing her guts. Not adding up? She thinks slug betas are better than you. That should piss you off, so use that anger. Or don’t.

Get bent

[–]arm_candy5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Motherfucker, you aren’t even married. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you lying to us?

136 days ago you said you’re getting married next summer. Unless you’re in Australia, you haven’t gone through a summer since you wrote that. So you’re calling you’re calling your long distance girlfriend who’s fucking every other guy she knows your “wife” for some stupid reason.

You’ve apparently “had this nagging feeling that she's cheating” since the moment you were telling that other idiot that they don’t know what marriage is.

Move on, you retard. She clearly has.

[–]Balls_Wellington_Main Event + Coronavirus5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Have you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy?

You display such depths of insecurity that of course your wife is going to start shopping around. After all, if you're so worried she can do better, maybe you are seeing something she isn't.

Mate guarding is a signal to women that they are too good for you. Validation seeking (including being overly sexual just to prove to yourself that you can Get Sex) is a signal to women that they are too good for you. Accusing her of lying with no proof is pathetic and a signal to women that they are too good for you.

You've spent years telling your wife that she is too good for you, and now she has started to listen. Why does this surprise you?

Maybe she fucked that guy. Maybe she didn't and she didn't tell you because you've been a creepy jealous little fuck and she didn't feel like dealing with your bullshit when you found out. It's a moot point, because you've done everything you can to strangle her desire for you.

Go lift, and start being the fun carefree guy you were when your wife actually liked you. Try being a man again; regardless of whether it saves your marriage, you might be able to get some self respect back.

[–]mrpthrowa9 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

you need to chill, you need some serious stoicism. Read some into that, try some mediation.

Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the only way for a guy not to give a fuck anymore. When you lose everything you won't give a fuck any more. Perhaps that's where you're heading.

so god damn painful to imagine her slipping away from me

Reflect into this. Deep down it's because of a lack of options. You think the opportunity loss is so great, and the replacement cost is so high. Probably because you're low value - either of real, or certainly in your mind.

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

I agree, also OP what makes this woman such high value to you?

[–]hoopingblob2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Time for a divorce...

I don't care if my gf cheats, if she finds herself another dick I'll just find myself another cooch. Easy.

[–]ArborioRice2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy

Last sunday I found out that she has been secretly seeing a mutual friend since I've been gone.

Um...how about telling us more about this minor detail? Your spidey sense started telling you something, you misinterpreted it as paranoia, then you drop this nugget and start going on about frame for some reason.

This is how most of these things play out in here btw: Men start picking up on cues their woman has another man in the picture and then rationalize it away for some time before it sinks in. Your situation isn't special.

Out with it- Who is he? How did you find out? Did you confront her about it?

[–]fannyfire3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy

If you had frame you could tolerate your wife auditioning other men out to be her beta-bux.

If you had abundance you wouldn’t need your wife to fulfill her duties (fucking you).

Both you and I share the same commonalities. My wife works 2 hours from the house, her and I are both in university and we spend very little time with each other. I don’t actually know what she’s up to 3 days out of the week. The difference is that I don’t care. I don’t text her often. I don’t call her often. And I don’t ask who she hangs out with. I assume it’s classmates but that’s about it. Mate guarding doesn’t work (see you) so I don’t put in any effort to find out where she is, who’s she’s with and all of that nonsense.

I don’t mate guard her whatsoever and for a very good reason. I don’t need her. I have my own job, I started lifting three months ago, and I have access to an abundance of young 20 year old women. Ever since I came here three months ago my life has gotten incredibly better and it’s because I’m admitting, slowly, all of my flaws. I was an absolute mess before I came here. I’m still a fuck up in many ways but I’m handling it.

You need to take stock of your life and ask yourself if this is what you want. If it’s not you got to make a choice. Either deal with it now or push it in the corner until you HAVE to deal with it. If you do the work now it’s going to suck a lot less than later. It took me a second time to come around to this. I didn’t want to believe I was such a BP lazy faggot.

You might not see it today. You might think you got it all under control. Until it hits you and you realize you’ve been asleep at the wheel. Suddenly, all those things your wife has been nagging you about start to make sense. The more I have taken ownership of my life, my house, and the relationship the more I have been inadvertently rewarded for it. I cannot keep my wife off of me and it’s because I’m showing up.

You’re not showing up for your wife. She is having to find someone else because you’re not doing it for her. Don’t make a covert contract to change your life. Don’t fix your shit in hopes that mommy will start to want you again. Fix your shit for you and only you.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

The more I have taken ownership of my life, my house, and the relationship the more I have been inadvertently rewarded for it.

I am reading about ownership (Jocko) can you elaborate how you are owning the relationship? Assume leading, setting standards etc.

[–]fannyfire0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Believe you recommend that book to me last week for my OYS.

Yes, leading and decision making.

Instead of waiting for her to say that we need to do something I am being proactive and doing it myself. Any big decision I go ahead and make it. There’s no resistance. She told me she hates making big decisions. I don’t consider what she wants or thinks we need. I do research with the time I have, make the decision and then own it. If it’s a shit decision it’s a shit decision but the point is that I did something.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Nice, I'm doing the same. I get the fighting of leadership but I get it as my track record for owning shit has been to let her do it all. Slowly slowly, I just do it

[–]fannyfire1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I think the resistance will lay up but there’s always going to be an opinion. A few weeks ago we needed a new fridge. She wanted to get one significantly smaller than what we already had. I knew she complained about the size of our old fridge. Her not wanting to spend money on a bigger more expensive fridge was getting in the way of her thinking rationally. I knew that if I listened to her we wouldn’t have enough room. I’d go back to my old ways and complain that she should have let me pick it out. Then she’ll say, “I hate when you put things on my back.”

It’s funny that I know this script. Nearly every day she tells me that she loves the fridge and that it was a good decision. It was a good decision because it was right but most importantly because she didn’t have to make it. It’s not her responsibility if it stops working, catches on fire or ends up being a bad fit for us. She didn’t have to make the decision so she doesn’t care.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Agreed the more I take control on the big shit the more I realise she has no fucking clue what she wants. Take the car, I do gardening and shit and we have a dog plus we do travel so a large be economical car was needed. One minute she wants a hatchback then a small car, then my car needs replacing instead then a hybrid. I just broken record with logic "we need a big family car yours is old costs are high" repeat until she finally got that I was buying it with or without her test driving it. Now I can think about my sporty hatchback ;)

[–]fannyfire0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Haha yeah I agree. They don’t know what they want and that’s why it takes forever for them to make a decision.

[–]slappysq1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

What are your lifts and BF?

[–]Toowhammy1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

So she’s got two affairs going on and you think that your insecurity is the problem and your plan is to be stoic and do nothing? This isn’t a shit test.... it’s time to act. The best thing you can do for your marriage is to start taking steps to end it and genuinely wish her luck with her guys.

[–]Nuwanda2061 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

troll post...

[–]Refinitalle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

First of all, the sidebar says we should be rewarding good behavior. Her “lovey dovey” messages are good behavior. They should be encouraged and rewarded. You’re doing it wrong. Now for the second part. Per your update, some dude is “coming in”? As in, into your house? I would never allow that. Maybe get a spy camera and after you see her cheating take it to a lawyer. That might help you so you won’t end up paying so much alimony in the future if this all goes downhill fast.

[–]tightsleeves0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

// Update: Shortly after posting this, she told me that a male childhood friend (that she hasn't seen in years) is coming in for coffee. I reacted stoically, I'm actually starting to give less shits even though the situation hurts. It's starting to feel like a massive shit test, seeing this guy and seeing that guy. But she did act honest, so I respect that.

"Oh Ok honey, I didnt know we were OK with having the opposite sex over and hanging out with them... here I was rejecting and avoiding all these women"

- this only works if she knows your capable of it.. but she can tell you are sitting at home staring at her pictures

[–]Onein1024th0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

either you want the relationship or you don't

So kill it or stop worrying about what she's doing. YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER, if her actions destroy the relationship that's on her. Trust but verify.

You're not building dread at all. you're been a needy little bitch and every interaction she has with you is tainted with fear and paranoia. Why would she respond any other way? Have you read ANY of the sidebar???? Where is your DGAF?

Either she cheated and this relationship is doomed, or you're going to drive her away REALLY quick by being a weirdo.

Edit: those lovey dovey messages were comfort tests not shit tests, idiot

[–]becoming_alpha1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I basically go Rambo - she sends me these lovey dovey messages and I seldomly answer.

Nope, the lovey dovey messages aren't comfort tests or shit tests. She's trying to keep you paying the bills working away at college while she gets railed by Chad. They're pure manipulation.

[–]Onein1024th1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

if OP knows in his gut she's cheating he needs to have a spine

[–]Over60_FireTempered3Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your insecurity is killing YOU, OP.

u/SBIII told you everything you need to know.

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Comment on your edited OP. You are making progress, but have a long way to go. As your wife goggles come off, you will be able to conduct yourself in accordance to your mission. Your current wife may or may not choose to get on the train. As you lift, sidebar, and figure out frame, your SMV will improve and you will notice attention from women in general. This will further erode your wife goggles. Eventually, the pedestal will be destroyed and you can proceed with an adult relationship. And I agree with the other posters that there's a non-zero chance she is doing more than talking with these other gentleman friends. At minimum, those friendships represent a severe lack of loyalty/affection for you.

EDIT: Now I see that you are not married. WTF are you doing? Get paternity tests for your maybe offspring and move on.



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