Hi guys, Basic Question
Now: 36yo 190cm 75 kg ~ skinny fat AF
3 years ago : 185kglbs ~15%BF (bulking), Lifting (all x5 | Kg): BP: 50, SQ: 77.5 OHP : 50, ROW: 45
Wife: 30 (SAHM) | Together: 8 | Married: 5 | Kids: 2 (2,5m and 0,1f), for context, she was a 9/10 a couple years before we met (she was then 22 and me 27), a 8 when we met (precocious wall I guess) and good looking for her age now.
Read: NMMNG WISNIFG TRM MMSLP Pook Poon (neither MAP or WOTSM yet), long long term lurker of trp / heartiste / dalrock.
I had decent game prior to the relationship and kept it at a fair level (regular quantifiable successes with HB8+) which made me oblivious to the fact that my fucking mission was blindsiding my appreciation of my relationship which deteriorated while I merrily became Mr. Betamax to prove myself a point (and because I was a faggot) more on that later.
Until 4 years ago , while I didn’t fully grasp the reasons of the evolution in the relationship, I realized the effects it had on our non-existent sex life, and I decided to go to the gym (duh), and build up a start of a decent shape. The project was to improve my SMV, and update my mission (which includes a part of Christian dogma and was preventing me from correcting my relationship) and also stop being a faggot.
And then it happened : an auto immune disease, without any known cure. My only hope was to tone down the symptoms. It was debilitating at first (high fevers, cramps, etc) and then attacking the nervous system (brain fog, forgetfulness, numbness, migraines, and more), ligaments and muscles (heart palp, eye twitching, extreme fatigue, and more).
The fatigue was so intense I couldn’t climb stairs without pause, couldn’t be functional past 17pm, and couldn’t hold a long conversation. The headaches were so bad I couldn’t read more than two sentences at a time, had trouble finding an answer to the most basic of shit tests. The pain was so constant, I couldn’t think straight during the episodes.
Had to go survival mode in order to keep my job, and my family. It has been 3 years of sleeping – working – trying to find a cure.
Literary no time to work on my mission, or to game anyone, not the slightest possibility of working out, nor improve myself in any way. Just not die.
I was incredibly lucky enough to keep my job thanks to a good man that protected me / hid me from scrutiny. But when I tried to switch job after a while, I got sacked in a record time. Still we have no financial troubles. Now for the fun, guess how much support I received from the wife? Yeah, Precisely. Even if I went in fully expecting the behaviour, it still hurt. Come on she was living on my fucking dime the whole time, with only one kid to take care of ! Could she at least ASK how I was doing ? Like one time in three years ? People are kinder to pets, fuck !
For the record, I was lucid enough to never ask her directly for help or cry, or show weakness of will, but ofc in my state I had a literal negative frame.
Well it is useless to get angry at it, it is what it is. Anyway, eventually, through efforts and research, I found a semi reliable experimental cure 4 months ago, and I am slowly getting out of this hell.
I have been functional for only one month during which we had our second baby (while it was unwise to grow the family, I conceded her the pregnancy to keep her happy, and because I want a big family).
Unfortunately, a lot of the symptoms are still lingering (slight vertigo, moderate fatigue, trouble with words), and even if I am getting a gym membership as soon as my work schedule allows it, I need some help cause the relationship is beyond fucked up:
Nuclear shit tests, indicators of disinterest (you disgust me), suspicions of cheating (fifty fifty on this one as the medication gives paranoiac psychosis, although no proof after bugging the computer and her phone for a bit but I will l give the kids a pat test), total lack of respect, no sex now (was starfish for a long time before), no obedience, sapping my authority in front of the kids, and ofc second guessing everything and looking at me as Mr Betasucks (the beta that can’t provide).
As for me, I am in the process of losing a second job (I am doing what I can to keep it, but it is unlikely as I underperformed severely while sick), even though I should be able to find another one relatively easily, and should be able to keep it then, have a strong support network, but a recovering frame weak as fuck.
So I am open to any suggestion, to improve the situation. As I am still struggling intellectually and physically I can’t seem to find the way out here. Thanks guys.