Destroyed some friendships. What can I do?

WatchOutItsAFeminist · 2020-01-25T03:13:25+00:00

[deleted]

coffeetablestain · 2020-01-25T03:32:12+00:00

As the other poster said, it’s probably best to let out the heaviest sigh ever and accept this is just one of those points in your life where you will acquire guilt, learn a powerful lesson and focus now on your future and doing better.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to have messed up. It would make you a bad person if you didn’t feel bad and blamed others for the division between you and your friends and learned nothing.

One of the sins of TRP is it tries to relieve you of regret, it paints us all as biological machines with entitlements instead of allowing us to reflect on who we are and the choices we make. Making mistakes and realizing it is a gift. Don’t squander it.

realShustyRackleford · 2020-01-25T11:12:51+00:00

The fact that you feel guilt is a good sign for you. As painful as it is (and it REALLY is. I'm a chronic guilter and a tattoo collecter; I'd rather sit through another eight hours of having my scalp needled than sit through five minutes of guilt) that's a sign of a healthy moral compass at work. It's a powerful drive for self administrated social good and change.

Use it, don't let it use you. Pick apart what went wrong, write about it in private then reread your notes again when you're in a better headspace. Try to judge those words and issues like they've been written by someone else, it's hard to be objective with yourself, imagine it's come from a friend if it helps.

Were I in your shoes I'd take that new info and send her a full explanation and more thought out apology. Explain why you feel awful, what you've learned but DON'T make it an attempt to win her back. Humble yourself and explain the cult you were sucked into.

As much as you might want to have her in your life again I'd make this message purely about clearing things up. Clear the table, respectfully, on your side.

You can't make up her mind for her, but you can let her in on the full picture and let her make up her own mind from there. At this point she might have spent a great deal of time chewing herself out and pickling in the self doubt previous redpill actions may have inspired in her, asking herself what it was SHE did wrong.

At the least such a message would put you both out of your misery.

ribbons_in_my_hair · 2020-01-25T15:27:42+00:00

Hm, I’m sort of wondering what was said/what happened. Not knowing that makes it harder to know how to help you, you know? Like it’s harder to know what needs to be repaired/said I guess. I do think it’s possible for people to change and for friends to grow, take a break, then grow again. But sometimes it’s not possible. It sort of depends on the people and what happened/how irredeemable it might have been.

Although that’s my first reaction, my second one is that no matter what, it’s a good idea to keep working on yourself and getting out there and building other friendships, too. A few years ago, a friend asked me for space and at first I was really distraught, it hurt a lot and I still have no idea why! But anyway, after awhile, I did everything I could to get out there and meet new people/reconnect with old friends. It’s it’s pretty amazing, I’ve never felt so good about my social life as I do now, not ever before have I felt this loved by sooo many folks. I joined a band, I got new band buds; I went to these parties with old friends and this group is so solid, we meet at least once a week for dinner and do all these fun things, you get it. I’m gonna join a foraging club in spring and make new friends there, I’m sure. And there there are other folks to craft with. Etc etc etc. And after awhile, I sort of just forgot that other person existed. I didn’t need them anymore. They’re leaving was a huge gift to me, it forced me to search for new friendships and I’m so happy now that I can float around several groups. Maybe you should work on this, too? Regardless, even if you have 1 million friends, it’s still always a good idea to go try something fun/new and keep your heart open to potential new friends there.

Wishing you the best of luck with whatever comes next. If ya keep working on yourself (like how to be a good friend/person that doesn’t need manipulation tactics like the red pill feeds you to convince people to like ya, they just like ya cause you’re a genuinely good dood) and you get out there and keep searching, I’m positive that good things will come your way. (Shitty things inevitably because: life. But also good things.)

I_like_the_word_MUFF · 2020-01-25T15:02:25+00:00

When you do something wrong you are not really supposed to get over it quickly.

That's what your brain is doing, keeping it present because you yourself don't think you've 'made up' for the wronging.

When you actually feel like you've changed and learned how not to do that again it'll go away. When you "pay forward" enough truths to match the lies... Your conscience clears.

That's why in addiction recovery, making amends is one of the later steps... Not the first.

baddadpuns · 2020-02-05T13:22:36+00:00

> My problem right now is with how badly this still hurts and how much guilt I still feel.

You have to be honest with yourself. What bothers you most? The fact you feel guilty for what you did, or the fact you lost a good friend?

If its just guilt, then I suggest sending a sincere apology. By sincere apology, what I mean is first empathising with what she must have gone through because of your actions, really understanding the pain you caused, and then explaining that you understand all this. Your goal must be ONLY healing whatever pain you caused to the extent you can by taking responsibility for your actions, and another more. If you can convey that you understand what actions of yours were hurtful, and how badly they were hurtful, and validate her hurt, its far more powerful than any "I am sorry".

If its the fact that you lost a good friend, then its a sorrow you have to grieve and move on. Reconnecting with her, because of the loss you feel, is selfish and you are only caring about your hurt, not hers. No action that you take with the end goal of wanting to reconnect with her is a valid action on your part and is only selfish.

Be honest with yourself, my guess is that you have equal part guilt and grief for the loss. Do the right thing. Remember, this girl does not owe you anything, but you owe yourself to do the right thing.

Title	Destroyed some friendships. What can I do?
Author	UnkleChunkle
Upvotes	22
Comments	10
Date	January 25, 2020 3:08 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/etl8xs/destroyed_some_friendships_what_can_i_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/destroyed-some-friendships-what-can-i-do.315457 https://theredarchive.com/post/315457