I'm looking for input from guys who have gone through a similar situation.
I'm 31 6'5" 215 17%-18% BF
Bench 205, Squat 210 (recovering from dislocated knee) BR 175, OHP 135 DL 310 (also lacking from knee injury) SMV 8
Wife is 29, turning 30 in a few months. SMV 7
3 kids - 5(f), 3(m), 1(m)
Wife and I both grew up in super conservative traditional Christian households. My dad was a drunk (sober now), I was raised by my mother with essentially no father figure, textbook nice guy syndrome. Wife and I were in the same social circles growing up but never really knew each other. She had a more traditional upbringing than I did. ( no tv in the house, girls wear skirts, dresses etc.) I rebelled, hit the party scene hard in college, had my fun with drugs and sex, etc. , realized I didn't want the lifestyle long term. She never did rebel. Always followed the rules and did what she was supposed to do. We met and had the same goals, Disney happily ever after. Marriage, house, kids, dog, cat, etc. I was a Beta to the core. Everything I did was for her. After she was diagnosed with post partum depression after our 2nd and while she was pregnant with our 3rd, I couldn't keep her happy no matter what I did. And I did everything at the expense of my own happiness. I felt like a bag of shit because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make her happy. Eventually I decided I can't live like this and something needs to change. I stumbled across Athol Kay's NMMNG. This led me down the rabbit hole to the RED PILL. I devoured Rollo Tomassi's books, MMSLP, Pook, listened to all of Jordan B Peterson's Podcasts, found my direction and mission in life and stuck too it. I started lifting heavy, gained a significant amount of muscle mass, dressed better to show my physique. People started to notice and comment on my new look. Wife followed suit, upped her SMV but not enough to encroach my SMV. Things got better. Sex improved significantly, but not where I wanted it to be. She always had issues with sex due to her traditional upbringing and how it was never talked about. Never had sex education, never masturbated etc. Sex was better than before so I was content. The biggest game changer was the development of my frame and passing shit tests. Admittedly, my frame was far from perfect. Outwardly it seemed solid. Inwardly I struggled to get my mind where it needed to be. Comfort tests were also difficult for me to recognize and led to some Ramboing. Once I did recognize them the Ramboing was under control and things improved even more. I started working towards starting a business and becoming financially independent. We changed social circles by leaving our church and joining another much more liberal church that was more aligned with our beliefs. Everything was looking great.
This past Sunday I was blindsided. She told me she wants to have her own life outside of our marriage. OK, I have a life outside of our marriage with friends and I am enjoying it. No reason you can't have the same. She told me she feels like her whole life she has always followed the rules and has always done what she was supposed to do. OK, totally understand. She doesn't know who she is supposed to be because her life has been dictated by someone else's arbitrary rules... the Disney lifestyle. I told her I had to go through the same process to figure out what I wanted in life and that no one else but me can make me happy but me and I make the rules for my life. She then tells me that she regrets not living her life to the fullest when she was young, with no responsibilities and experiencing life while she had the opportunity. She told me her values had changed from when she was younger. I told her to explain what had changed. She said she wants to figure out who she is by living her life to the fullest with no fear of consequences....I ask, what do you mean by that, what does that look like for you. She said she wants to live the life she should have in her early 20's and experience what I and everyone else got to experience at that age. I said OK, still haven't answered the question, what does that look like for you. She told me she wants to go out and meet new people, flirt with other guys, know that she's still "got it", see where life takes her and do whatever she wants with whoever she wants with no fear of consequences. This way she can become a better person for our relationship. I was getting nervous but holding frame well. OK, define whatever you want with whoever you want. She says she doesn't know, but wants to feel the thrill of being hit on by other men because it boosts her self esteem and she can feel more confident. OK, what else has changed for you. She said I know we have had this conversation before but I don't feel like kissing other people is really considered cheating, it's just kissing, it doesn't mean anything..... WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST HEAR.... My heart is pounding, I'm in complete shock. But I have to keep frame no matter what. Don't fucking break frame. I said OK but I'm not ok with that. She then says that she would be ok if I were to kiss other girls or go to a strip club if that's what I wanted. (1 year earlier I went to a bachelor party and refused to go to a strip club. Not my thing, never been nor desire to. She said that if I had gone we would be over). Still in shock but holding frame I say, that's not what I want to do. She then says that even if I were to cheat on her by having sex with another woman "by mistake" she would be very upset but would be able to move past it and forgive me... Then it hit me... AWALT. For fuck's sake, I didn't ever think this would be an issue. At this point I assume she has already done something and is trying to salvage the relationship. But at the same time, she doesn't have social media, has not 1 close guy friend and she, never had an issue with me looking at her phone, and not a very active social life. Literally zero red flags before this conversation. I ask her if she has something she needs to tell me and to cut the shit. She denies and just says I'm not looking for a cheat pass, but I want to know that if I were to go out and live life to the fullest the way I should have when I was young, I don't want there to be any consequences, you will always be my number one but this is something I have to do, but I don't want it to jeopardize everything that we have together . I zero in on my frame and suppress all emotions. I told her, you are free to live your life however you choose, it's your decision to make, not mine, but to expect zero consequences for your actions is an unrealistic expectation. I then told her what I don't want in a wife. I don't want a wife that kisses other men, I don't want a wife who has sex with other men, I don't want a wife that goes on dates with other men, I don't want a wife sexting or sending nude photos to other men, I don't want a wife that let's other men put their hands all over her body. We then got into hypothetical situations which was a slight fracture in my frame. I stopped it as soon as I recognized it and said if you desire another man physically and then act on it in a physical way or allow men to act on their desire for you, I consider that cheating, crossing that line will have consequences for our relationship and I can't promise that we will be able to continue our marriage. She said she wants to keep the discussion open because there are a lot of grey areas with my "rules". She said just because we aren't on the same page about what constitutes cheating doesn't mean we can't come to a compromise and find middle ground. I didn't waiver, I told her these are my boundaries and there will be consequences if they are crossed. End of conversation. She did not agree to my boundaries.
The next day, reset, treated her as I would any other day. She seems taken back by it. gives me a hug and kiss before work. I get texts from her throughout the day...I don't feel like you are respecting what I need to do for me to improve our marriage...I respond with you know what I expect, lets talk at home...that's very degrading to me... let's talk at home...I need to figure this out now...I'm at work let's talk about it at home... my phone rings, I answer hey what's up... I need you to come home right now something's come up, I need you to switch vehicles so my mom can pick up the kids, I can't go into details. OK go home, one of her girlfriends are over and her car is in the driveway. She meets me outside and says I can't come in. OK what's going on. Beth found out her husband is cheating on her.
I appreciate the reply's from everyone. I can't reply to everyone's comments but they are incredibly valuable to me. I had to write an exam today to be certified in my trade to start my business. I stayed off Reddit and cleared my head to focus on the task at hand. I passed the exam. I can now make cash on the side to stash for the go plan. Reading the comments, I am delusional about my SMV. I half assed the red pill and it bit me in the ass. I'm a boring Billy Beta and my wife knows it. Tonight I had a discussion with my wife about where we stand with all of this. I told her my boundaries again and let her decide what she wanted. She told me she wants an open marriage and wants to have sex with other men and is ok with me having sex with other women. I told her that's not what I'm looking for in a wife but I can't stop her from fucking other men, but if she does, there's the door. She broke down and said she feels trapped, admitted she wants to sleep with other men but hasn't yet. No matter what she does she loses. If she stays with me, she doesn't feel loved, beautiful, wanted...aka no feelz due to severe lack of game. If she pursues other men, she loses everything she currently has and knows it. She also said she doesn't understand how I just don't give a shit about losing her. How can you be so cold hearted and emotionless. I am meeting with a lawyer next week Tuesday. She was diagnosed with severe post partum depression 2 years ago, is on anti depressants, has gone through cognitive behavioral therapy twice in 2 years and is seeing a therapist. During her 3rd pregnancy she called the midwife and told them she was afraid of hurting her kids, Family and Children's Services was called. It is all documented as well as the discussion on Monday. I feel like I have a lot of ammunition for full custody, but the lawyer will let me know if I'm delusional. Her parents have recently separated. Together 35 years, only for the sake of their kids. They all moved out, 1 year later, the marriage was over. Her mother is moving in our basement in a month and has nowhere else to go other than the street. So I'm currently building a bedroom in my basement for her. It's a fucked up situation that I never imagined myself in. But I can move forward and will move forward. The mission hasn't changed, only the situation surrounding it. I have had a date night planned for us for tomorrow night before all of this went down. I'm going out and having fun regardless of her coming or not. If she does come great, I will game her and show her a great time. If not, I'll work on gaming other women because I need practice. I also am going on the vacation I planned regardless of her attendance. I am going and will have a great time regardless of who I am with. Thank you all for the advice and the reality check.