How can I stop being needy when I'm friendless?

Stratiss93 · 2020-11-10T19:59:42+00:00

Here’s the dead honest truth. No one is going to go out of their way to be your friend. You need to create value for yourself. People love and cherish something or someone that’s valuable. Whether it’s your sense of humor, your social connections etc. You start by improving one thing then another. Try stand up comedy, talk to strangers, build a body you’re confident in. It hurts when you realize there is no easy way out, but the only alternative is depression/suicide.

YouWannaPutMoneyOnIt · 2020-11-10T19:26:04+00:00

Bruh life is about creating meaning. There’s none to be had inherently. Do whatever the fuck you want. Create bonds that are what you want. You’re breaking out of your blue pill cacoon

rnsbrum · 2020-11-10T19:45:21+00:00

Stop being a loser. Nobody likes to hang with loser. If you are good at something, people will wanna hang with you. In general, you gotta have something to offer in return.

Read How to Make Friends and Influence People.

Another key thing is finding people with common interests, for me its usually lifestyle and music. I hang with people that like heavy metal, cycling, bodybuilding, philosophy, politics, business and drugs.

If we nothing in common, we are not hanging out, period.

In the mean time, sharpen your social skills by making small talk with everyone, even girls (think of girls as guys, you are just talking to them to train your social skills)

Easy way to make a bunch of acquaintances: go to a party and hang in the smoking area, offer cigarettes to people and smoke it with them. Cigarettes are great for bonding and I don't know why but I made a lot of friends over that lol.

Easy way to make friends: Martial Arts classes, Bike group rides, car meets... you get the drill - events where people with common interests hang and meet regularly. If you are a guitar player you hang with other guitar players to jam, eventually they become your friends...

Golden tip: HELP PEOPLE! In every way you can.

Appex1 · 2020-11-10T19:42:25+00:00

[deleted]

Abnull · 2020-11-10T20:32:59+00:00

Don't take my advice as anything solid, but have you considered coming out of the closet? If you're living a lie, others are going to feel that something is off. If your honest with yourself and them, you will get a better response.

As a gay man, women will also feel less threatened by you, and be more willing to be your friend. You will be able to get what you want most, female validation/friendship.

Bascome · 2020-11-10T19:59:57+00:00

Join a league, sports team, dance lessons, judo, woodworking, or something of the sort so you have a common interest first and a reason to hang out with others.

This 2nd part is important, wait for people to come to you and be chill.

DanskBedste · 2020-11-10T21:10:21+00:00

Honestly, the best thing you can do to start finding a peer group is to join a club/activity. I know people will say "be more social", but here is some practical actionable advice:
The best thing for my life was to join martial arts, specifically Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. A physical art, gets your mind/body in shape, keeps you humble, get to be around people who are grounded and people from all walks of life (helps with connections and other peer groups), plus some great self-confidence. Pretty soon people will invite you to train outside of class, get to talking about movies that are out to go watch, pubs, etc.
If that's not an option, I suggest going to a weekly workout class, whether at a YMCA or wherever (kettlebells/cardio/etc.). You'll see the same people in class, make small talk about things that are happening in class, what they do, etc. Clubs (like getting paired with a group of people as part of a class project) will provide you a thread of connection to other people, but you are the one that has to tend to the relationship, and know the opportunities when people reach out to you with conversation (hence the book Make Friends and Influence People)
The second is I ended up playing Dungeon and Dragons through some local friends and eventually on a site Roll20. Yes, it's not exactly chick-magnet material, but this is about developing a peer group. It's a game that definitely works problem solving, quick thinking, improv, all things that are valid in communication. If you get further into it, you could run a campaign, and now you are in a leadership position, which helps with some mental frame. Finding peer groups as an adult out of school days and work is difficult, and takes work, but not impossible. It might be 2-3 activities you are a part of. If you want a peer group outside of those things, good/best friends, have to define what sort of friends you want. Want people to come hang out at your place? Or go travel somewhere? Those things can happen, just nurture it.

Neediness is feeling like you aren't complete without someone to fill it. I get it, I used to feel that way with women until TRP came along. Now, I focus on my work, my fitness, my craft. I used to think of previous ways of dating like the "mystery method" of "tricking" women into liking me, making up for my value, when I realized that your general magnetism will be enhanced by doing the work that no one is willing to do, the toll to pay for true attraction, things like taking diet/fitness seriously, work on a craft, work your career, I would books on finding opportunities to socialize more and be comfortable with that, everything takes work and energy. But pretty soon, you'll walk into a place and people will think "Woah, what can I do to get that person's attention?" Work on yourself, and love yourself, and you'll be surprised how much easier it is to find friends when that strong neediness fades.

If you want meaning, perfecting a craft is a good medium. Lots of life meaning through that (like books like Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance). I've learned a lot of different lessons of life through my time in Jiu-Jitsu. Some people through music, art, chess, etc. This is why I recommend things like Jiu-Jitsu: social group, physical activitiy, mental/physical art, builds self-efficacy with feeling progress, victory/defeat, etc., ticks off so many boxes. If you want double your chances for friends/networking, pick a craft that has a bit more of a social amplifier, like playing an instrument.
Hope this helps!

vandaalen · 2020-11-10T21:52:23+00:00

http://archive.is/agtCP

http://archive.is/FaeIe

FallenVelocity · 2020-11-10T19:35:28+00:00

You must achieve an abundance mindset.

bilabrin · 2020-11-10T22:06:22+00:00

Friends are made thtough mutual interest. You charm naturally when doing something you love. Hobbies, goals, and skills you need them. Make a goal to have a hobby of buiding a skill. Achieving and progressing towards them builds confidence.

Last year I built a flowerbed. This year I'm studying a new language. I can't go a week without my friends bugging me to come out and play.

When you master a skill you gain non-neediness and outcome independence.

Try meditation for improving your mood. It brings inner peace.

Best of luck!

LilyTap · 2020-11-11T12:53:35+00:00

I've been friendless 16 years had one boyfriend that prolly hated me and a lot of f*ck buddies ( just liked my body :( >> )my cat is my friend and I talk to some people on the phone who prolly dislike me too...

blasted_biscuits · 2020-11-11T14:16:23+00:00

Focus on yourself. Make self improvement a priority in your life. You'll find that having friends turns out to be a consequence of a full life, rich with experiences. If you feel lonely then go out and volunteer. Even doing a simple soup kitchen can lead to meeting people that are also volunteering. Most importantly, always be outcome independent. If you meet someone, stop getting in the habit of imagining what the future is going to be like and then trying to shape the present to fit that future. Just stay in the moment and enjoy it because there are no guarantees. No one owes you anything and you are all you have so cultivate a life where that is enough for you. There are plenty of people out there that are more miserable than you and have hundreds of friends. Having friends doesn't make you less lonely inside. Truly appreciating yourself makes you feel fulfilled and people are attracted to that. Make yourself a priority and stop focusing on others for your happiness.

yoitsericc · 2020-11-10T21:12:54+00:00

I'd find a hobby that you're passionate about and start doing that regularly. I train brazilian jiu jitsu and play ultimate frisbee and have made a few friends from that.

2020-11-11T13:04:00+00:00

Get girls and be the fun guy. Every dude wants to be your friend when youre the guy getting laid and has connection to girls.

The sad truth

heyyy-kiddo · 2020-11-11T14:50:47+00:00

Work on the friendless aspect ,seriously,relationships can wait,friends not.

I think you need to learn to talk with people.I too have communication "obstacles" ,but you seem to need to work on it a bit more.

Find communities that share your hobbies. Online gaming,wood working workshops or even work... Friends come and it needs time to form lasting friendships. Unlike relationships ,man's friendships are much more lasting. I always could talk to my close squad about the true problems,happy stuff and ask for advice from them on things I would trust to lay out in a relationship.

I'm not a dating expert,never had a girlfriend for real,more like a few dates,likings ,prospects ,but I have a close group of friends I won't let down for anything in this life. A successful relationship is anyway a complex for of friendship(but not friendzone style) .If you can't be her friend chances are you won't get along with her to be toghether for long.

absolutelynp · 2020-11-10T20:03:50+00:00

understand that in the west we live in a matrix of moral decay...we are fucked...why would you want or expect anything from a world like this? fuck em, women, men, fuck em...

accept that the world is fucked and you will gain DGAF towards everyone and understand that the very most women and men are indeed just dump NPCs shaped by school, the whole social bullshit, tv and soical media, fuck em...play the field and fuck em

DEATH FOR LIFE! (listen to Death Conspiracy be Death by Stereo)

Rimefang · 2020-11-10T21:44:20+00:00

Remember this feeling. Use it as fuel to better yourself.

I did.

YouWannaPutMoneyOnIt · 2020-11-10T19:25:10+00:00

You know how great it’d be to not have friends you fuckin bragger

whiteindia · 2020-11-10T21:37:43+00:00

Make friends

Title	How can I stop being needy when I'm friendless?
Author	Appex1
Upvotes	170
Comments	76
Date	November 10, 2020 7:11 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/jrrbkc/how_can_i_stop_being_needy_when_im_friendless/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-can-i-stop-being-needy-when-im-friendless.324496 https://theredarchive.com/post/324496