Can’t handle being screamed at. Any ideas how I can fix this problem?

FereallyRed · 2020-02-08T00:18:18+00:00

Take the high road.

Your job is to remind them that their behavior is unprofessional and inappropriate.

You stay calm, de-escalate, then go to a private area to debrief.

If they continue to be unreasonable, then it's time to disengage and take the issues of on the job unprofessionalism and impropriety to their supervisor.

You aren't required to take abuse in the workplace. Might even be a law or two about it.

Or, you could just realize that he's an idiot and laugh at him.

Smuggler-Tuek · 2020-02-08T01:50:36+00:00

Read “when I say no I feel guilty.” It has tools for this exact thing.

rn7889 · 2020-02-08T02:42:13+00:00

I used to have this problem really bad. I would completely shut down if anyone raised their voice at me. The anxiety it gave me completely ruined my college baseball career because it’s pretty much commonplace to be screamed at in that environment.

What fixed it for me was becoming confident in what I’m doing. I now work in healthcare and there’s a ton of people who are very assertive. I learned quickly that I’m going to have to be also or nobody will respect me. Once I got good at what I’m doing the anxiety went away. I quit giving a fuck because I know I’m right. If I’m wrong, I own it. Now if someone raises their voice at me I make sure they have a damn good reason for doing so, and I go on the offensive. I challenge every point they make unless they are just yelling because they don’t know what else to do, then it’s not worth my energy.

The goal is about valuing yourself enough to stand up for yourself when warranted. If you’re in a meeting and someone puts you on the spot like you mentioned, call them on it right there. A simple comment line “Bad day Mr. Smith?” In front of others will suffice.

Andrew54321 · 2020-02-08T01:20:07+00:00

Walk away

i-love-cute-lolis · 2020-02-08T00:10:45+00:00

Fighting doesn't help, don't scream back as that'll make the screaming even worse. To be an alpha doesn't mean always going on fight mode, you can choose your battles.

I find it's best to just leave. Standing there like a deer in the headlights makes you look as if you're lost and defeated.

Leaving just shows you're not putting up with that.

You can also tell them that you won't tolerate them screaming at you. That is if your voice doesn't break when you say it.

ENTPunisher · 2020-02-08T02:38:18+00:00

What job are you working where you're getting screamed at by adults, subordinates no less, and they aren't getting marched down to HR and sacked?

I'd go for 5 seconds of silence and eye contact, followed by "Come see me after the meeting."

yvnglucifer · 2020-02-08T03:29:20+00:00

laugh

PM_Happy_Puppy_Pics · 2020-02-08T09:48:08+00:00

Hey man, I manage 20+ men and women and the best way I deal with this is to say, (calmly) "I can tell you are very passionate about this, let's talk in private, in about 30 minutes." Alternatively, I will say, after lunch break, or at the end of our shift, or whatever.

I do this so they calm down but also so I can gather my thoughts. I also am asserting my dominance by ending a confrontation and taking control of the situation in a structured way. They also can't complain or dispute it, because they are going to get time to say whatever they want, I am not invalidating them.

That is the best way to handle women as well- in everyday life. If she is up your ass about something you don't feel like talking about at the moment, say you understand it is important to her and you will talk about it with them at X time but now is not the best time. Again, have solid plan and time, so they won't feel dismissed, and also you are asserting dominance by establishing that time and place. This has never failed, and I have even gotten snarky responses, like, "oh you can't talk now?" "Are you scared?" "This can't wait!!!" Yet I always stand firm and deal with the issue later, where my thoughts are more collected and the other person is almost always more understanding.

I always inject humor when this kind of thing happens and not take things so seriously, because wtf, almost nothing people care about is actually life or death. And I point that out, tease a little and deescalate. You can find your own rhythm and creativity for that.

At work, if someone is seriously disruptive, I say, "Go home."

If they protest, I say, "I will call security to escort you." That has only happened once, and frankly, people know when they are bested.

MrTrizzles · 2020-02-08T06:30:33+00:00

You were me. Are me. I'm still not lightning quick on my mental feet, every second I get to think something through yields exponentially more results than the second before... but seconds are a luxury when it's real time. I'm no quicker now, I'm just more seasoned.

This is your solution. And it really applies to any interruption that you must deal with, particularly with others present.

As soon as the outburst occurs, your mental frame should be: Whatever just happened, it will be handled--BUT IN PRIVATE. And you, you personally, don't feel one way or the other about it. You are not impressed by the outburst, but you're not unimpressed, either. You don't think it was appropriate, or inappropriate. You're not pleased or upset.

You are not faking this. The fact is, the outburst specifics of what was said to you is irrelevant, and you don't take the time to even consider it. You are now in meeting scheduling mode. Right now, in front of everyone, in the moment... you are briefly considering a time when you and your interlocuteur can meet IN PRIVATE to address whatever just happened.

And when you speak, you use your meeting scheduling voice. Think about how you schedule a meeting. You are not happy or sad or up or down when scheduling a meeting, you just are. Neutral. Cordial enough for the situation, but just looking to schedule that meeting.

Your meeting scheduling voice does not inflect to infer anything whatsoever about the recent outburst. Your audience should detect nothing in your voice or manner that appears to be a reaction.

And this is what you say, to Mr. Hysterical: "Well, we'll discuss that at a better time." Or thereabouts. The moment the outburst happened, you have a single objective, and that is to redirect that conversation thread to another occasion, IN PRIVATE. Note that it's not their outburst that will be discussed. Be clear in your mind that it's not. You're not meeting at a better time to address their outburst, but whatever the underlying issue is that caused it. Do not let yourself mentally judge the outburst! Put it out of your mind immediately. if you allow it in your mind, your thoughts will betray you, no matter how neutral your words.

(In case anyone is interested, this right here, these moments, are an instance of what RP calls holding frame. Just by considering the outburst at all, the moment in time when it appears in your mind for inspection, frame is lost. Frame is not lost to people, it is lost to ourselves. It is lost by allowing foreign objects into our thoughts.)

Now in your specific example, this doesn't quite work, because his outburst was a plea to cease the line of questioning. There's nothing to discuss later. I certainly hope you're experienced enough to understand why you would never even dream of publicly announcing that you will be discussing their outburst later. That wouldn't be just losing frame, that would be crumpling frame into a little ball and shoving it up your ass.

In this particular case, I would respond with, "I see." Or, "Ok. Moving on." Or even just a light throat clearing, the internationally recognized signal that a faux pas has occurred but it's in the past now and we'll leave it in the past, a short pause, then move forward.

Why am I so adamant on keeping the outburst out of your thoughts? Frame, motherfucker. In english, it's like this:

Outburst: Bad

You can fill in the rest, right? Praise in public, ~~threaten~~ coach in private? It's poor form to publicly address poor behavior. It's incredibly poor form to address an individual's poor behavior in public. But it's unfathomably poor form to discuss an individual's poor behavior in front of their peers! If you didn't know this, then hear me now. We are keeping the outburst out of our mind because there is nothing we can do about it right now, first off, but secondly, any reference to it will shame he who outbursted. And gentlemen with class do not shame their peers or subordinates. And third... it's bad. That's reason enough. Who wants to get bad on them in a meeting? Bad has a short half-life. Who wants to extend bad's lifespan one second more, or get bad splatter on one more person?

Since there's nothing to be done about it now, don't even fucking go there, bro. That's frame right there. Focus so intent that you're impervious to any extraneous protuberant.

Anyways. Taking it private is a win all the way around, 360 degrees. You look professional, you defuse the outburst, and you keep the meeting on track. And as a bonus... it allows you all the time you need to "carefully think" of a retort--and exactly how you're going to tear them a new asshole.

Tear them a new asshole, IN PRIVATE.

xxx69harambe69xxx · 2020-02-08T14:28:46+00:00

lolwut

what kind of fucked up job...

id fuckin quit and just join the local construction or lawn crew

Pluglord · 2020-02-08T04:24:18+00:00

What I’d do is immediately ask:

“Who’re you screaming at?” with a displeased and suspenseful facial expression. If they have any respect for you, they’ll calm right down when they hear this and either tone it down, or give an apology. If not, and they continue screaming at me, I automatically go into fight mode tbh. I’ll let them know that I’m not tolerating any disrespect in the form of anyone raising their voice at me. And that’s about as much talking as I’ll do before I either walk away or give them a death stare with an “ill fuck you up” undertone.

UEMcGill · 2020-02-08T02:19:43+00:00

Have you read the 48 laws?

huey764 · 2020-02-08T02:21:07+00:00

Ignore him. Walk away.

SalporinRP · 2020-02-08T02:47:49+00:00

If they're someone on your level they have no right to scream at you. I guarantee everyone at the office thinks they're a cunt anyways.

I'd say do something that builds confidence such as boxing or BJJ. Some dunce at your job won't mean shit to you if you do a combat sport lol.

thrwy75479 · 2020-02-08T03:02:05+00:00

I kept pressing trying to understand why he was against the idea until eventually he screamed

Persistence is good. Pushiness is not. People need space. Learn to read them better, and be more self-aware. Also, if you're having issues with someone not agreeing, discuss things in private with them while probing, not interrogating, to achieve resolution. This should not have started in front of several people.

Further, don't ask why. Not one person on this planet wants to be asked why, especially by superiors. It will always put them on the defensive.

I definitely left a bad impression for those that saw

It's him that looked bad because he lost his cool.

he screamed “I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT” “JUST DROP IT”

When people get angry, they are going through problems. This is when empathy is most important. He's going through difficulties, and needs help, though it doesn't mean yelling at you is okay. In this instance, it seems you were asking for it, and it's better to walk away. If it was unwarranted, then you can stand up for yourself, and say, "I understand we have some issues here. However, I will not be talked to that way." That's it. You've asserted yourself in a firm, and fair way.

You have to learn to relate to people better. If someone is saying no, or giving off signals that they want to be left alone, you should back off. If you do want to be aggressive, then you should expect these types of things to happen.

I would recommend checking out The One Minute Manager by Spencer Blanchard, and Ken Johnson.

Further, I would highly recommend watching this interview with Chris Voss by Lewis Howes. It's filled with information that you may find useful.

DerekMorganBAU · 2020-02-08T04:01:57+00:00

You definitely work at a fast food place stop flexing 😂

Meloxian · 2020-02-08T04:24:33+00:00

I find taking a deep breath, telling yourself mentally to relax conciously trying to slow down the conversation helps like crazy

cookiesandspleen · 2020-02-08T05:22:39+00:00

From his perspective, you were pressing him on something in front of subordinates. Having a disagreement in front of subordinates is never going to be easy. Always try to have those conversations 1 on 1. If I know that there's a chance I could lose control over a situation, I'll try to do it in a setting I have more control over.

jenovajunkie · 2020-02-08T05:35:13+00:00

So he yelled at you, and then said he didn't want to talk about it?

This guy is the same level as you, so why is he yelling at you about doing something wrong if he doesn't want to say what's wrong with it. I might be confused about the way you explained yourself, but I find that more of a "flight" response by avoiding the entire premise of why he is yelling at you.

2020-02-08T05:37:58+00:00

It means you are a coward

DatRiggz · 2020-02-08T05:53:39+00:00

You gotta be the horse and crush cats that test waters. Then again im in construction, I got zero issues telling people to eat dicks.

heavy_lies_the_crown · 2020-02-08T08:49:38+00:00

Look dead into their eyes and calmly and steady tell them that this is unacceptable.

Best if you do it one onr one, because most of the people have crowd mentality. So if you break them away from the crowd and explain that their attitude is relate to them keeping their job or gettin a raise. They will listen to you, respect you more and stop this screaming bullshit.

professor_mcamateur · 2020-02-08T11:42:29+00:00

reaching a role like this

FRAME; you either earned it, or you rose to the level of your incompetency. so basically you should not be the person being yelled at and the most critical thing about being in a position of "power" is that you don't fluff your own ego in the process of telling it how it is.

meaning, 90% of the work related small talk you probably used to share with coworkers is now going to be detrimental to your integrity (if you ever made any off-handed snide remarks about literally anything.)

you no longer share any kind of informal bond with your former counterparts.

Nevesj98G · 2020-02-08T13:05:35+00:00

I'm only 21 so take my advice as you will.
i had the same exact issue with being screamed at, but after some therapy sessions(not because of that problem, it just came up in the conversation with the therapist) i found out i was kinda traumatized by an episode when my father basically screamed me into submission when i was 5 . Articulating that episode and putting it into other perspectives made me stop having that problem - in my case my father was in the air force, me realising that in the armed forces, screaming is more common made me stop caring about it since because i stopped looking at it in the same way that i always did.

jm51 · 2020-02-08T13:14:11+00:00

"When I Say No I feel Guilty"

It's a classic on assertiveness technique. Used copies are dirt cheap.

WhatRemainsAfter · 2020-02-08T13:33:26+00:00

Go smoke cigs with them. Ask what's up?

You have lead lost people and motivate them to lead best life so that they are efficient at work.

Sympathy brother. I see my co-worker drinking themselves to sleep every fucking day. They are depressed breed. Be their lighthouse at work.

xX_bullitt_Xx · 2020-02-08T14:44:14+00:00

In front of a group: remain stoic and calm, maintain eye contact, say nothing until they're done, then tell them you'll discuss this after the meeting. You should absolutely not engage or defend (through justification) your decisions, as this makes you look weak.

In private: take absolutely ZERO of this bullshit. The exact phrase I use is "What do you think about your behavior right now is appropriate?". You'll end up letting them go regardless.

Title	Can’t handle being screamed at. Any ideas how I can fix this problem?
Author	HeresToTheNext20
Upvotes	71
Comments	59
Date	08 February 2020 12:00 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	askTRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/331190
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/f0jd99/cant_handle_being_screamed_at_any_ideas_how_i_can/