I've been in monk mode for like 8 full months now. Since covid I began isolating myself in my room.

Having narcissistic parents didn't help and I just realized they've been trying to do anything to avoid making me go out and become independent. Someone will say I'm making excuses, I'll say this is just a fact.

As a matter of fact, I'm just realizing how fucked up I have become. I can't believe I'm scared to leave the house. I'm scared of getting a job. I don't know how all this happened but I think that's what happens after prolonged social isolation. It's unbelievable and I never realized this until now that I'm forced to find a job since I want to escape from my parents.

Since February I taught myself to code but I didn't go far with that. Learned some HTML, CSS and JS and that's it. I also started a YouTube channel for 3 months and then I realized that's not what I wanted to do.

I'm in university but it's being financed by my narc parents and I can't say how bad it feels (if you don't have narcissistic parents, please avoid telling me I'm ungrateful cause you know nothing). I'm feeling constrained to their will and that's why I now want to find a job and drop out. I'm considering moving abroad first and then find jobs so I can finance university without the aid of my parents.

My parents have done everything to prevent me from getting a job. I got told things such as "you are worthless" and so on which didn't certainly help, especially because I was trusting my parents.

Now, I'm fuckin lost. I lift 5 days a week at my home gym but that doesn't really help either. I mean, yeah, I'm getting bigger, but honestly, at this point in my life it means shit. I need to gain my independence from my parents. That's the big deal.

I'm making a lot of excuses now of why I can't find a job. I know there's always a way, but I'm somewhat deep into my comfort zone and I feel like I have very severe learned helplessness.

I know the most obvious thing is "just fucking do it", but I'm open for advice and some book suggestions. I'm currently reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and I can't believe I've been putting my parents' needs first for years.