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Dealing with Frustration about no Sex Before Marriage

Reddit View
February 20, 2020
3 upvotes

Hello Brothers,

Title basically describes what I’m struggling with. I’ve only had to turn down a sex (or the clear implication of sex) twice, but I’m sure more times will come. I’ve tried to mostly avoid this topic during my self-improvement journey, because every time I put considerable thought into it, it turns into a big mental dilemma that takes up too much of my time. Part of my frustration is that there’s a psychological aspect to this that I think affects my other behaviors. Not having sex facilitates the internalized belief that deep down I’m still not worthy of being desired. It’s as if I’m masking my problem of feeling not desirable by women with the no sex rule (rather than following it out of merit), and using it to cover the root of the problem. Like how Robert Glover discusses in NMMNG, men who do not believe they are ok just the way they are (not worthy of love or desire just the way they are), will end up acting in a constantly pleasing and supplicating manner. And that subconsciously affects how I interact with women because sex isn’t on the table. It seems like the most sensible way to overcome this is to sleep with someone.

It is also frustrating because I feel I am missing out on the learning opportunities necessary to become good at sex. It is encouraged for guys to “know what they’re doing” in the bedroom, and the experience gap between me and other guys grows as I get older. I haven’t even masturbated in several years now (not sure I’d even know how to anymore honestly), and I feel like my libido has decreased recently as a result of my body not needing to release any sperm for a long time.

I posted this to vent and get my thoughts out, but also wondering if other members here have experienced similar feelings, and what conclusions they came to. To be clear, I’m not looking for practical tips on overcoming sexual sin/temptation (I posted a question awhile back regarding that), but I’m looking for how to deal with the mental frustration that comes along with fear of missing out on sex, and how to deal with the psychological issues described above. Any responses appreciated, It’s been difficult to deal with this issue because I don’t really have anywhere else to discuss it except here.


Post Information
Title Dealing with Frustration about no Sex Before Marriage
Author gettinjuiced147
Upvotes 3
Comments 3
Date 20 February 2020 04:06 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/338703
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/f6nb8r/dealing_with_frustration_about_no_sex_before/
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FOMONMMNG
Comments

[–]Billy_King2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You wouldn’t say to your wife “I wish you had more experience” when you get married, would you? Same goes vice versa. Your wife isn’t gonna care that you don’t know exactly how things go. And if shes lived chastely, then she’s not gonna know exactly how things work either. She’s gonna love and respect you for living chastely in the wait for her.

And I’m proud that you’ve been able to abstain from masterbation for years now. That’s somethings to be proud of, not something to be insecure about. Trust me, you’ll be fine when you get married. And because you’ve dealt with avoiding sinful urges (towards women who aren’t your wife) before marriage, you are in a great position.

[–]hopeunseen1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Quick thoughts:

You are contradicting yourself a bit here...

I’ve only had to turn down a sex (or the clear implication of sex) twice, but I’m sure more times will come.....

....Not having sex facilitates the internalized belief that deep down I’m still not worthy of being desired.

If you've already turned it down twice, then logically you KNOW that you're desired. So if you're feeling unworthy, it really doesn't have anything to do with whether or not girls want to have sex with you.

TBH I think you might be rationalizing sex as the solution to your issues with self worth, rather than the (much harder) conclusion that your issue is that you don't see yourself as worthy of being around even when sex is off the table.

Having sex with some chick to try and "get rid of this feeling that I'm unworthy" is a recipe for feeling more unworthy... Because you're only proving you don't feel good enough about yourself as you are.

It is also frustrating because I feel I am missing out on the learning opportunities necessary to become good at sex. It is encouraged for guys to “know what they’re doing” in the bedroom, and the experience gap between me and other guys grows as I get older.

From what I've seen studies actually show couples with less sexual partners tend to have more sexually charged marriages. For instance the more partners a woman has, the less likely she is to be sexually satisfied when she marries.

So you're actually better off both having less "experience" and figuring it out on your own together when you marry.

I feel like my libido has decreased recently as a result of my body not needing to release any sperm for a long time.

Again, studies have found that testosterone does not appear to decrease or increase in any significant way from long term abstinence or frequent sex.

There is the truth that libido is affected by frequency of sex, but that would actually work FOR YOU rather than against you if you're not yet married. You don't WANT to be thinking about sex all the time when you can't have it... It's distracting and unproductive. You should be spending your focus and energy on your mission, self development, and adventures in the world as a man.

also wondering if other members here have experienced similar feelings, and what conclusions they came to.

I didn't have sex until I got married, and certainly struggled like most guys with lust, porn, and a sex drive I couldn't fully express. I certainly know the temptation and desire - It's good and totally normal to be asking these questions and good on you for talking about it.

If I could talk to pre-married me, I would like to kick him in the ass for focusing too much on sex and women instead of the things that really matter in life. Don't get me wrong - A relationship is a good thing, but sex is like the cherry on top of the cake. The icing could be marriage or your relationship, and the cake is your life.

The cake is the significant part that everything else is built on. That's what you build and focus on as a single dude.

If you make the mistake of confusing sex or marriage for being the foundation instead of the icing or cherry on top, you're going to be very disappointed and fail to reach your potential as a man.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck

[–]markreadsred0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You will get good with your wife. But you both need to be on the same page about getting good together.

She needs to know what you like in bed or what you want to try and vice versa. Sex isn't shameful.

Goodluck.



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