Can I repair my marriage after discovering my wife’s lying and past promiscuity? It’s more the lying than the body count that makes me feel hurt and fearful

79 points•118 comments•submitted by Delicious_Freedom635 to r/asktrp

So, I’m an Asian immigrant who moved to the US a few years ago and after a few years of dating fell deeply in love with a white American girl. My family is conservative, so I fought through hell and high water to marry this girl. Turns out there was always something she was lying about.

1 - Met her through CMB, and became exclusive in about 2 months - at the time she told me that she never had a one night stand or hooked up with strangers (this aligned with my values and me fall for her quicker)

2 - 6 months into it, she tells me her body count is 15 with 4 being relationships and the rest guys met in a bar or on apps... mostly bars in NYC and LA. I also discover that 3 months in after being exclusive she ventured on the dating apps ( we were going through our dating apps and deleting them together) . She says she wanted to be sure that what she was feeling for me was real. I’m heartbroken and we have a big fight and she truly seems distraught. I feel like she wouldn’t have shared her body count if she wasn’t sincere so we make it work and I fall back in love

3- We say I love you 9 months in, she says I’m the only one she’s ever said that to, a year later I discover that she actually said that to her ex of 3 years (texts, calls, everything). She says she forgot and doesn’t remember saying it. We breakup.

4- We get back within a week and she convinces me that it was young dumb person and she didn’t really mean it back then. I believe her, and chose to get back together. She creates a list of all the adventures she’s ever had and we talk through it. 15 body count, another 10 3rd bases and like a 50 boy’s she’s made out with ( also got drunk / date raped thrice during and after college). I process it and am like she came clean and has a good soul.

5- We get engaged, and turns out she forgot to mention a one time 2nd base with her best guy friend. I feel lied to, she cuts the guy friend out of her life so I’m like ok whatever. We get married.

6- A year into the marriage turns out there’s more to her body count ( apparently went home with a guy she met at a work mixer as soon as she moved to LA etc.) and said I love you to another one of her exes ( the one right before me). Tells me she blocked those shameful memories and hence didn’t share.

After the latest, I can feel my love and feelings towards her diminishing. What do I do? Do I give her the benefit of the doubt? I’m tired of all the lying. Or do I understand and accept her fears and that she will never be fully honest in this part of her life and enjoy the other parts.

Side note: in the spirit of TMI she did give away her best to randos she met barely a couple of hours ago in life (wild sex, car sex, outdoor sex etc. ) In our marriage we have okay sex now, nothing wild as such. However, she did have a few threesomes with me and other girls (she says she’s never done that with any other guy).

Update: just had a big fight with her and she says it’s 25 people she’s had sex with and doesn’t know what was wrong with her and is coming clean coz she can’t stand the thought of losing me. Fwiw y’all were right and I appreciate your thoughts on this