Anyone here who mastered social skills but were socially awkward before? How did you do it?

blaackbackedjackal · 2020-12-30T16:56:30+00:00

Motherfucker reading books does not help with this. To be naturally good in social situations, you have to put yourself in a lot of social situations. Like others have said, be as social as possible. Talk to everyone.

_9teen · 2020-12-30T16:57:22+00:00

2 things that helped me:

1.Hanging around charismatic people: you'll see how they act, talk and carry themselves and you'll start to emulate them

Cold-approaching: basically practising talking with strangers, you'll find out by doing this that you won't click with everybody, and that it's okay

light-----------dark · 2020-12-30T20:03:40+00:00

Read the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie - you’ll learn a plethora of tools to connect with others.
Stop masturbating / ejaculating - you’ll gain self confidence.
Go to the gym - you’ll gain more self confidence.

GayLubeOil · 2020-12-30T21:49:19+00:00

Work a sales job

trpjim · 2020-12-30T17:55:14+00:00

If you like reading, drop the self-help books and read books that tell a story with action or adventure. The main characters are usually charismatic and you can pick up on their vibe. Same with TV and Movie characters. Emulating charismatic people or characters is a good first step. Whether they are in books, movies, or even people you know in real life. Don’t get stuck trying to copy everything they say and do though bc that’s weird. Just try to match their vibe and fill in the rest with your own flavor.

Besides the obvious of eye contact and relaxed body language, that should help you get started. Also, don’t think of yourself as being awkward anymore. You should believe that you’re an outgoing guy even if no one is telling you that yet. The rest should come naturally through trial and error.

Bear-With-Bit · 2020-12-30T22:13:35+00:00

Asking other dudes to hang out can be awkward at first but it will be easy and comfortable once you get the hang out. Especially if you have similar study/job, goals, hobbies, style, hunger for social life, age/life stage. Good bros are key to helping you improve your social skills.

Every since I was little I enjoyed humor, being funny, and being with funny people. I'm not much of a trouble maker but a little mischief was always a draw for me. I kept chasing that, helped me a lot to be at ease with new people, new groups.

Small talk, especially with new people and strangers, is crucial. Compliment people's wardrobe, shoes, accessories, dogs, bags, smiles, etc. Master that.

It can suck really bad at your stage in life. You can be hyper-critical to yourself, probably til your mid 20s. The key to countering this is to keep going, keep meeting people, don't be too harsh on yourself, you'll make mistakes.

Guinnessthemenace2 · 2020-12-30T17:44:58+00:00

If you get a job as a waiter you’ll get over that shit quick. You’ll be able to be charismatic af taking care of a group of 30 people. I watched one of the most helplessly anxious girls (think sickly stick big creature) I’ve met in my life do a 180• in a couple months on the job serving at a college sports bar.

DBOLandDECA · 2020-12-30T16:52:44+00:00

The biggest difference I've seen in myself is when I learned to make rock-solid eye contact. Everything else fell into place after that. I've noticed that when I'm not making eye contact, it's more difficult to follow what they're saying, and more difficult to find what to say next. It becomes second nature with solid eye contact.

Carboneraser · 2020-12-30T21:55:39+00:00

This is what worked for me. I was good looking in highschool but thin. I wasn't very socially skilled and let so many opportunities pass by due to a fear that people were pretending to like me for some elaborate prank (talk about self esteem issues).

I started lifting and became a drug dealer. That sure helped lol.

If you're good looking, take a look at good-looking loser. Don't model yourself on what you think alpha looks like, dont model yourself on the gurus here. Look around in your community and see who's cool, see who you're automatically drawn to for friendship. Look at the guys living the life you want and then fake it till you make it. Also lift. Becoming reasonably fit will make you one of the 20% of guys that fuck 80% of women.

I'd advise against becoming a crack dealer unless you want to have lung damage at 22 from heroin addiction. Women sure did flock to me then and they still do now.

Carboneraser · 2020-12-30T17:45:42+00:00

[deleted]

forresearchonly7 · 2020-12-30T17:08:30+00:00

I've always been quiet, introverted, etc. Now this year people I meet keep telling me how out-going and talkative I am despite still being very much an introvert. I'm a medical student and last year I started my clinical rotations so I was in the hospital 8+ hours a day, forced to interact with people daily and after a year of that I am now very comfortable making small talk and having in-depth conversations with anyone even though I don't really enjoy doing so. You just need to put yourself in social situations, no book or youtube video can teach you that. Also, you are probably not as socially awkward as you might think, so stop over-thinking/worrying.

tyranicaloverlord · 2020-12-30T22:37:00+00:00

Two things happened for me. When I was 18 I had a boss that was the most charismatic woman I had ever met. Julie was not beautiful by any stretch, but could get people to like her instantly. I learned by being around her, and what clicked for me was that she was genuinely interested in people she met. She would tell me that everyone has a story to tell and she loves to hear stories.

Second thing, I got ropadoped in to one of the multi level marketing scheme selling vacuum cleaners. I used what I learned from Julie, and the tactics taught in those scum bag classes to sell vacuums for a month.

319Skew · 2020-12-30T20:04:02+00:00

You can read all the books in the world but you'd probably be getting more value in real life social interactions.

I think you're using Covid as a cop out. Covid is limiting people's interaction and restricts movement but doesn't stop social interactions such as conversations or meeting people.

Ask yourself if you're restrictions are based on valid reasons or excuses. Only you can answer that. Be honest with yourself.

situ139 · 2020-12-31T04:35:30+00:00

It CAN be done, but it takes a lot of time and patience.

I grew up an only child, I wasn't a weird kid per se but due to where I lived, I was never able to hang out with the few friends I did have. I also had controlling parents, who wouldn't let me do anything remotely fun.

Grade 9, I was considered "cool" despite all of this but then things went downhill, a friend of mine, turned on me and everyone else did in the process. I retreated into a shell and became terribly socially.

I was the same, okay around parents but everyone else I was terrible.

So here's what I did, starting from when I was 17, finishing Grade 12, to now (I'm 26). I first reached out for books, just like you. The only one that really stood out was Conquer Your Campus, it's kinda a pick up artist book but it's more just about how to be a cool dude.

The four pillars of being "cool"

Were;

Easygoing
Fun
Dominant
Leader

This gave me a basis to work from and then I just went out there, I did an extra year of high school and I tried to apply those 4 pillars anywhere I could. There was a lot of failure (and there still is to be honest), you're going to say stupid shit, you're going to fuck up chances with girls, you're going to tell boring, bad stories, etc.

But you just have to keep going.

And going.

As I got older, my skills improved. I actively put myself in interesting situations where I could socialize. I didn't care much for clubs, or night life but I did like learning about different people and backgrounds so I used that to give me a reason to talk to people. I also put myself in a place where I could always meet cool people, I moved to a big city (4M+ population) and just used that as a springboard to lead an interesting life and become better socially.

Being in a big city alone you have to put yourself out there to make friends, so I really had no choice but to socialize.

As I kept challenging myself, I got better and better. I could go to a bar, talk to people, I could flirt here and there, I had people invite me places. Then from that, everything just snowballed.

Now that I am 26, I'm not sure I would call myself "charismatic" but I'm an amazing socializer and networker. People gravitate towards me and I seem to be able to talk myself into almost anything.

But it's come from a decade of hard work.

I remember when I was in the big city, I would analyze my social interactions that day, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I said right, what cues I missed and so on. That's what you have to do.

No "book" is going to give you what you need, but if you are actively out there working on your ability books can be good assets.

I used to read a lot of biographies from interesting, well traveled men. These helped me a lot in understanding the richness that life offered and made me see things differently. Part of being social and charimstic/interesting is leading an interesting life, and to do that, you need to do interesting things. Growing up in a small town, I never really was exposed to the richness that life has to offer and reading the biographies helped me see that.

But to wrap this up, no book is going to make you social. They can only improve what you already have. If you suck socially, you need to put yourself out there and practice whenever you can. Eventually, you'll pick it up.

Now for some specific advice regarding groups -

A group is really just many individual conversations going on at once. Take a group of 20 at a table, you can't talk to everyone, so you'll talk to the people close to you. Occasionally there might be a time where most of the attention is turned to one person (likely telling a story) but most times, it's just many little one or two on one conversations.

You feel awkward, because you are trying to talk to the group entirely, and you can't do that. Focus on a few people close to you, or the ones that you find interesting. And if you can, try to bring others into the conversation. You know those times where two people are talking and you have no clue what they are talking about, but you don't want to be left out of the conversation either so you try to add what you can? Be the person who let's that person in, say "we're talking about my stupid friend who crashed his car the other day." , give the person a way to jump into the conversation.

Always be "including" others.

And always follow up.

If you chat with someone and they tell you they are going fishing in a week, well next time you see them in a week, ask them how the fishing trip went.

If you see a girl who you talked to a party once and you guys had a really good conversation at a bar, go up and say hi. "Hi Sarah, hows it going?"

Remember names.

I could probably write a book on social skills, but I'll leave this here. Remember, in social situations there's a give and take. Aka you are adding value, and taking it. Telling a funny story is adding value, going on and on about some boring thing, is taking value. Always be looking to add value.

akihonj · 2020-12-30T21:26:01+00:00

It's about confidence. Are you doing things with your life that others will find interesting.

An example then, have you recently read something, developed different points of view on topics so that if they do come up you can put the opposite view across and add in your own opinions on the opposing view.

Have you done something that others will find interesting, for example I will spend often days out during the summer hang gliding, so when I get into a crowd I know I have things to talk about, these things usually end up with me being the centre of attention.

I also study wing chun, not a lot of people know anything about it, but it opens a lot of conversations when you start telling people that it's a martial art that was specifically designed for women by a woman.

My job as a software developer, for some reason gets a lot of interest from people, of course you get the wankers trying to outdo you by asking if you can fix their printer, but this is another area where you can show dominance by having a good answer ready such as, yes I can if you contact your customer support first thing Monday morning, they'll phone me and ask me to come around to fix it for you, it's going to be no more than topping up your cartridge but you know that already and you still don't mind that I'm going to charge you a grand for twenty minutes work.

Get used to talking to others in a group of friends first and get confidence from doing that, when you are then in a group with strangers you'll be natural at it because you're doing it already.

Also remember that strangers don't know you, so many will be more forgiving towards you when you speak to avoid offense.

Mr_Badass · 2020-12-30T19:52:39+00:00

At 16 I got a customer service job at a grocery store. I remember before the job I used to get called Turtle at school. Made fun of because I was so shy aka hiding in my shell. Being forced to talk to 50 people a day as a job helped alot. Three months later I was quite extroverted and very social.

dtyler86 · 2020-12-30T22:01:51+00:00

Super social guy here who was pretty shy at one point. Because my family moved, or my dad didn’t want to pay tuition in private school, for various reasons I went to two different middle schools and three different high schools. Every time you have to start over again you get tired of winning people over in appearing to be interesting, funny or cool. Ultimately it’s a tough skin to develop, but not giving a fuck and being genuine far exceed any other qualities. I think once you start to realize that not giving a fuck is misconstrued as confidence, you can be whoever the fuck you want to be, or more preferably who you already are, and people will be accepting of it. If you tend to be a little quiet that’s fine. When you do speak, just don’t be insecure about it. Mean what you say and expect that people worth knowing well listen and care, people that don’t listen are not worth knowing. The good thing is you are 19 and you probably won’t be making your most serious business introductions at this age for another couple of years at least. If you work at a lot of jobs, particularly in the restaurant or hospitality industry, every day you get incredible practice learning how to navigate conversations with every type of person.

OneTrueQ · 2020-12-30T22:34:35+00:00

Repetition G and not being afraid of embarrassment. How i was and how i am now is night and day.

MaybeOlajuwon · 2020-12-30T22:24:35+00:00

Exposure therapy helped me a ton. Put yourself in social situations and put yourself out there, I promise you’ll develop social skills quicker than any book can do for you. I began working a new entry level job at an amusement park last year where I had to be talking and interacting with huge groups of people 24/7. Surprise, surprise I became that fun social guy in groups. Read the books sure, but there’s no substitute for actual human interaction.

Jetrous · 2020-12-31T16:07:03+00:00

You know the answer to this. You just gotta talk to people.

Look for social situations and engage with everyone. Play a group sport. Take up pair dancing. Find a job where you have to deal with people.

It's gonna suck bad, but you'll learn quickly, as long as you stay consistent.

Meloxian · 2020-12-31T21:05:25+00:00

Kept getting xp until I leveled up into the “social master” class

jmunnuh · 2020-12-30T16:41:47+00:00

Molly put me on game 😂🤷

harreddit · 2020-12-30T18:22:42+00:00

Try acid or shrooms

SpecialPea8 · 2020-12-30T21:48:27+00:00

You got have enough experience in whatever subject comes up to be able to mark interesting remarks and comments and the only way to do this is gain life experience. However when in doubt always ask questions, people love talking about themselves.

Spartawolf · 2020-12-30T21:58:56+00:00

Like all skills it can be improved with continuous practice, see if you can emulate a TV character or a more social guy in your friend group. Fake it until you make it!

daproest1 · 2020-12-30T22:28:33+00:00

I was your age when I need I figured it out. Exposure therapy. I became a bartender at nightclubs. Can’t get anymore forced than that. Worked like a charm

volvostupidshit · 2020-12-30T23:21:22+00:00

Practice. We still talking about practice. Even charismatic people would start falling off if they stop engaging.

Jay-G · 2020-12-30T23:50:27+00:00

My advice is to first be comfortable in your own skin. I tend to do the same thing and overthink how I handle myself in group settings and then I thought of some of my friends who carry themselves well in groups. The thing I noticed is most of the time they don’t control the conversations. Just be quiet if you don’t have anything to say. If you try to hold the conversation to much or force your way in people can tell and it’s awkward. If everyone else is quiet then you lead. But the more you talk the more you have a chance to fuck up. Try even speaking less and the only time you do speak is when you have something excellent to say. Then when people recall what you said they won’t scan over tons of words you said, but rather the impactful few things said.

Another thing that helped me with groups, and one on ones with women is just say what you’re thinking. So when I would speak to a woman I sometimes got in my own head about what I wanted to say or running game that I thought of 10 different phrases and I jammed up and didn’t say anything because I didn’t think it was the perfect reply. But now I just think about the first thing that comes to my mind. I know it sounds simple but try to come up with some dialog in your head and just talk from two different angles. Don’t try to run game, just hit the ball back and forth. “What are you doing here, oh I’m just out with my friends having a night out, oh where are your friends? I’m not sure they went to get some drinks, I can’t believe they left you alone what terrible friends.... boom convo going, now when you have a conversation just think of the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear what they say and hit the ball back and forth.

jevjake787 · 2020-12-31T01:39:09+00:00

Hang out or work beside a charismatic man, learn from him. It takes practice man. Just talk to literally everyone about anything, even if you get weird looks just be for real.

2020-12-31T01:51:44+00:00

Assuming that you're practising you social skills regularly, you also want to choose specific aspects of Charisma that you want to develop. If I were you, I'd check out Charisma on Command, the YouTube channel. Basically, watch one of their YouTube videos breaking down an aspect of Charisma, then go out and try to integrate that lesson into your next interaction. I personally used their program Charisma University as my guide for general practise, and I've had great results. I used to literally not know how to have a conversation with people, not know how to joke around, I'd just sit there awkwardly whole other people talked. It fucking sucked. I just went home for Christmas and everybody was making comments about how cool I suddenly am and how much they like spending time with me all of the sudden when those same people used to avoid talking to me whenever they could.

All that being said, the most important thing you can do is practise your social skills. Try to strike up a conversation with your cashier, the security guard, whoever. Always practise, it's the best way to learn in this arena. Books and study only work as a guide, but they can't actually give you the skills you need to internalize to be Charismatic.

Thinkingard · 2020-12-31T01:54:22+00:00

Others have already said this but in separate comments, so here it is, this is how I went from socially awkward idiot to passibly normal person:

How to Win Friends and Influence People
Sales job

cbogart2 · 2020-12-31T01:55:43+00:00

one book:

how to win friends and influence people,

However you can't just read it you have to act on it. Find someone in the group who is wearing something that would tip your off- running shoes? do they run? how about triathalons-
football shirt? what is their favorite team? use either something they say, some mannerism or what they are wearing as a conversation starter. If they don't tip you off too much just throw something out there like - boy did you see the game last night? or huh, I have to limit my alcohol intake i have a big race coming up etc.

Start thinking like a detective and find out what someone likes,

it works well with girls as well. Start a conversation on what you know they want to talk about and then shut up and let them talk. They do all the work and you get to sit back and let people congratulate themselves. You then gather intel for future conversations.

It helps if you are interesting yourself, read books, travel, have interesting interests. If you are a gamer and you want to hang with cool people stop playing online video games and go out and get a life. The rest will fall into place.

whatever11111111 · 2020-12-31T02:03:55+00:00

Get a job that forces interaction. Sales, serving, or in my case teaching classes. Nothing has improved my social abilities like spending 40 hours a week talking infront of a group.

peachymatt · 2020-12-31T02:06:43+00:00

Went to a completely different place where I knew no one during a pandemic. You just kinda figure it out

rad_dynamic · 2020-12-31T02:36:03+00:00

It is impossible. Trying to be more "naturally social" at 19 is about 14 years too late. Almost all social conditioning happens within the first 4 years of one's life. Remember, everyone is improving their social skills constantly. Its called maturing. So yes, you can improve your social skills consciously, but others are also constantly improving so you will never be that easy-going social person on the inside or overtake those your age who have been ingrained in the social system since age 0.

(I would say there are exceptions of course, forcing yourself into a place where it is required - sales job, prison - may work)

SAPPHIREAURA · 2020-12-31T02:42:00+00:00

Sales ya used to rejection , practice and in sales mirror those that are good. Ultimately BELIEVE in yourself , it’s your insecurities that Attack u in the group settings just wing it and when it goes well or will reinforce and if it doesn’t dgaf keep @ it... don’t overthink...

longjeep2005 · 2020-12-31T02:48:54+00:00

Put yourself in social situations. You will be uncomfortable, and you should seek to be- it’ll help you grow

Prajnaseekr · 2020-12-31T02:51:33+00:00

Its sounds silly but I got a job at a retail store when i was younger which helped alot. Get comfortable talking to people of ALL ages and types. It develops convo skill to you use with girls

AshyBoneVR4 · 2020-12-31T03:02:51+00:00

Stop caring bout how other people judge/see you and just learn how to be yourself and have fun.

brave_snow02 · 2020-12-31T03:04:16+00:00

Get in the habit of talking to everyone

RVCFever · 2020-12-31T03:25:21+00:00

I'm the exact opposite, fine in groups but I feel boring as fuck in one on ones. Just need to practice (hard with fucking Covid though)

josh_e_pants · 2020-12-31T04:46:07+00:00

I threw myself into countless social situations and was forced to learn. It's not something you can acquire through reading. That time would be better spent talking to people, in my opinion.

yassa___ · 2020-12-31T05:43:12+00:00

Nofap

bumbuff · 2020-12-31T06:09:33+00:00

Practice.

Stop caring what people think while your practice. And after you master it.

Practice.

DiskKiller2 · 2020-12-31T06:50:20+00:00

I converted myself from a shy guy into the guy who talks to everyone.

It was definitely a role I was playing at first - fake it till you make it! Didn’t feel comfortable at first, of course, but once you do it for a while it becomes second nature. I mostly emulated a few Australian guys I had met while traveling - super laid back, confident, etc.

It helped that I moved into a new city with a new social circle so on day 1 I’d just jump into the new me. I had bought some fashionable clothes to to further highlight the transition. But mostly I just jumped into a role. Hell, I even asked a hot girl out on Day 1 and I had never asked anyone out before.

Some tips: - Emulate / pretend to be a super social guy you know, or perhaps someone you’ve seen in a movie. It’s a role but we all play roles. It will feel like ‘you’ soon. - Memorize people’s names! When you address people by name, people feel they have to answer. Also to strangers it will seem that you know everyone - Always position yourself centrally in a room. In a table, choose the middle seats, etc. - When you arrive in a new setting, say something to establish yourself right away. It becomes easier to open your mouth again when you’ve already built some rapport. Something funny that you did or saw on the way, for example. Or comment on how people look so solemn that it could be a religious ceremony. - Funny, confident canned lines are good. “How are you?” “-Living the dream! ” etc. To help yourself, you can write some things to say in advance. - Talk as slowly and loudly as you can. With some balls you can take this to a new level. - DGAF

AuberyBitoni · 2020-12-31T09:40:32+00:00

Go out solo
Don't stick to one group of friends. I have like 4 different groups of friends. Guys I know from hobbies, guys I know from school, guys I grew up with, close friends who I've met over the years through other friends.

Number 2 is really important. Through your social circle you meet the most new people.

Kellermann · 2020-12-31T10:30:46+00:00

Tease people in a friendly way, be genuinely interested in who they are or at least pretend

inkwind · 2020-12-31T16:55:17+00:00

Got into actionable guides. Few months after finding trp, I found the getsuave sub's pdf. That got rid of my social anxiety. champaignhouse was a titan of that sub and his guides were some truly amazing shit.

Google "Suave social life pdf" and open the kupdf.net link. It's a pdf made out of his posts. Free download and very very actionable.

Reading books won't help with confidence and charisma. You need actionable stuff and practice.

anonyree · 2021-01-21T00:44:14+00:00

Join a class with Hobby's like dancing

Funkydirigidoo · 2020-12-30T19:21:44+00:00

You need to be not afraid to fail.

Title	Anyone here who mastered social skills but were socially awkward before? How did you do it?
Author	Cautious_Number_95
Upvotes	153
Comments	84
Date	December 30, 2020 4:29 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/kn5cok/anyone_here_who_mastered_social_skills_but_were/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/anyone-here-who-mastered-social-skills-but-were.339901 https://theredarchive.com/post/339901