This has been a problem my whole adult life. I’ve never found men older than me or men who look middle-aged attractive. I’ve only ever dated 2 men older than me, when I was in my early and mid twenties and they were only 4 years older. Neither relationship lasted long due to other incompatibilities.
Most people are surprised when I tell them I’ll be 42 next month, and more often than not, people (even younger people) put me in my early 30s (although I’d probably put myself at about 35ish.) I’m average looking, nothing special, but just look younger than I am.
The problem I’m finding with online dating is that I’m swiping No on about 90% of the profiles I see, because I’m not finding any of them attractive. And I’m honestly not looking for 8s and 10s, not at all! I’m looking for average people like me, age 35-45. When I do find ones I find attractive, they don’t respond, so it does make me feel bad about myself in that I feel like a 5 that’s only getting interest from 2-3s (i just use that kind of a description so you all would get my drift; I don’t actually ever “rate” people).
I’ve been chatting with a guy that I swiped Yes on last week, and the conversations have been going well (the most promising so far of doing OLD for 3 months on and off since my last major relationship ended). But he sent me a pic via text, and it turns out that his pics are probably somewhat older and he doesn’t look the same as in the pics that initially attracted me to his profile, which is disappointing. Obviously still going to meet him because the conversations are going well, but the change in his appearance to quite older is off putting and I’m not sure if I can get past it.
It’s been 3 years since I was last in the OLD game (I kept getting back with my ex because everything was good except for his lack of desire for increased commitment over the last 8 years on and off). And I’m just getting increasingly more disappointed in my lack of options because I’m not finding anyone attractive. I wish I could change, but I feel that you have to find someone attractive in order to feel the desire to go from friendship to relationship. Sex and intimacy is extremely important, and I’m having a hard time even entertaining the idea of being intimate with someone I don’t find attractive, especially since I’m not looking for Brad Pitt! I’ve never been able to develop an attraction over time to anyone that I’ve met via OLD; if I don’t feel something within 2-3 dates, it doesn’t ever get better. And I’ve tried. I’ve been doing OLD on and off for 15 years. There’s only one time that I’ve ever developed an attraction to someone in person over time (through work) based on his overall personality that I didn’t expect, but it didn’t go anywhere because he wasn’t interested. I’m an introvert and don’t ever meet anyone in the wild to facilitate that kind of thing.
I’m very much a communicator and I read a lot of self help and relationship books so that I can be the best partner I can be, and learn and grow as a human. But if I can’t get past not feeling a physical chemical attraction, none of that really matters. I’m at a crossroads, and feel like I don’t know where to go from here. I know that pictures can be deceiving, but I imagine it’s pretty rare that people actually look younger and better in person in this day and age of everything being filtered. I’ve tried matching with guys that aren’t really fitting my interest visually, thinking that maybe adding the personality and overview in person will add to the experience. But then these guys can’t even communicate decently, or don’t even show enough interest to keep communicating and they always drop off within a week or two without ever meeting.
I’m just really frustrated, and don’t know what to do. HOW do you change your brain chemistry to be open to attraction when you’ve always felt it was limited? I truly want a real relationship, a full relationship, which includes flirting and great sex and being able to look at someone and feel that you feel they’re handsome even if nobody else does. If you don’t have that, all you have is great companionship and then that’s eventually eroded away and you end up over in r/deadbedrooms. I just feel like the older I get, the more doomed I am. Please be kind, my confidence is shot.
[–]moorekomMod[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children) | Copy Link
Please refer Rule 3. We only allow essays about the big question or personal stories related to the big question or going your own way.
[–]sensual_predditor22 points23 points24 points (0 children) | Copy Link
the wall is undefeated
[–]Wallstreet311 points12 points13 points (0 children) | Copy Link
Man, some of those comments are redpill bombs.
[–]TheSecondComing979 points10 points11 points (0 children) | Copy Link
So she’s on an app for old people to find “dates” but doesn’t want to date anyone she’s not attracted to or who looks old? What the blue fuck?! That goes against the entire point of using a dating app for older people. Really explains her swiping no on 90% of men.
[–]grizzer997 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
Really glad I looked at the comments on her post. Hard pass. I give it two weeks before she starts saying "Why is every man the same?". Ride the CC in your 20's and 30's, you hit the wall HARD in your 40's. Her own damn fault
[–]BlackPilledYekke6 points7 points8 points (2 children) | Copy Link
There is actually a lot to unpack, but not from the typical angles: 1. She lives in an area where she is in demand enough to still get hits even though she’s pre-menopausal. Her potential suitors see her well-filtered pics and only drift away/eject when she feeds them her real age, and her “standards”.
We know that she is getting hits aplenty because she hasn’t yet had to drop the insistence on looks being in the top 15% by 42...this means that her assertion of being average looking has to be somewhat disingenuous, or whats available is hideous. She should have been in full Beta Bux hunter mode since 31, but yet she’s still stuck in Alpha Fux.
The cry of help is in and of itself a sort of Poll to see how many white knights will show up to prop her up. Some show up, but the sarcastic zombies seem to be in the majority.
The sheer amount of word vomiting of her post tells me she’s a motormouth. Apart from the femspeak in evidence, the empty platitudes about wanting an average man (top 15% in reality), the majority of her verbiage is directed at lamenting the few men that she converses with after filtering for “chemistry”. She reminds me of the “average composite divorced 45-something woman” the Private Man used to write about. She finds reasons to reject until she’s ran out of men in her area.
It is clear that she can still afford to be picky because her hunting ground is online dating and not in real life. She’s essentially stuck there because she’s lost all “pricing power” at her age. The comments seem blissfully unaware that if not for OLD she’d be just another spinster.
We live in clown world
[–]alecesne1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
A brave new world where the virtual is real and the real is deniable. Society needs a few generations to adapt, because the rate of technological change is so rapid that it outpaces generational culture and individuals’ ability to learn from others experiences.
[–]BlackPilledYekke0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
That is if you think of men and women as a team. I’m thinking more of a cab driver where the passenger wants to jump out but couldn’t because of the bad neighborhood he was driving through until just a few seconds ago...and now the passenger door is open and only the driver is left inside
[–]odddes25 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
Bro I knew this was coming as soon as I saw that BS post!
[–]dwc1516 points7 points8 points (3 children) | Copy Link
She legitimately thinks she's going to land a 25 year old with a trust fund and a six pack.
[–]VapeBlowCatipiller3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
She's seen the movies, and that's what they have sold her on.
[–]alecesne0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
She says the goal is 35-45. She’s a month shy of 42. Odds aren’t favorable. Possible yes, but you must bring more to a relationship than insecurities and a laundry list.
[–]dwc1510 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
She also says she's not attracted to people her age.
[–]laptopdragon6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
Not looking for 8's-10's but average people like her... yet 90% of them are not even worth the effort to swipe her finger on.
It's posts like this that remind me that men like Brad Pitt have also failed to live up to their wives expectations.
[–]theDukesofSwagger0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
More like dating over forty