I’m (41F) afraid I’m never going to find anyone attractive ever again

205 points225 commentssubmitted by littlepinkumbrellas to r/datingoverthirty

This has been a problem my whole adult life. I’ve never found men older than me or men who look middle-aged attractive. I’ve only ever dated 2 men older than me, when I was in my early and mid twenties and they were only 4 years older. Neither relationship lasted long due to other incompatibilities.

Most people are surprised when I tell them I’ll be 42 next month, and more often than not, people (even younger people) put me in my early 30s (although I’d probably put myself at about 35ish.) I’m average looking, nothing special, but just look younger than I am.

The problem I’m finding with online dating is that I’m swiping No on about 90% of the profiles I see, because I’m not finding any of them attractive. And I’m honestly not looking for 8s and 10s, not at all! I’m looking for average people like me, age 35-45. When I do find ones I find attractive, they don’t respond, so it does make me feel bad about myself in that I feel like a 5 that’s only getting interest from 2-3s (i just use that kind of a description so you all would get my drift; I don’t actually ever “rate” people).

I’ve been chatting with a guy that I swiped Yes on last week, and the conversations have been going well (the most promising so far of doing OLD for 3 months on and off since my last major relationship ended). But he sent me a pic via text, and it turns out that his pics are probably somewhat older and he doesn’t look the same as in the pics that initially attracted me to his profile, which is disappointing. Obviously still going to meet him because the conversations are going well, but the change in his appearance to quite older is off putting and I’m not sure if I can get past it.

It’s been 3 years since I was last in the OLD game (I kept getting back with my ex because everything was good except for his lack of desire for increased commitment over the last 8 years on and off). And I’m just getting increasingly more disappointed in my lack of options because I’m not finding anyone attractive. I wish I could change, but I feel that you have to find someone attractive in order to feel the desire to go from friendship to relationship. Sex and intimacy is extremely important, and I’m having a hard time even entertaining the idea of being intimate with someone I don’t find attractive, especially since I’m not looking for Brad Pitt! I’ve never been able to develop an attraction over time to anyone that I’ve met via OLD; if I don’t feel something within 2-3 dates, it doesn’t ever get better. And I’ve tried. I’ve been doing OLD on and off for 15 years. There’s only one time that I’ve ever developed an attraction to someone in person over time (through work) based on his overall personality that I didn’t expect, but it didn’t go anywhere because he wasn’t interested. I’m an introvert and don’t ever meet anyone in the wild to facilitate that kind of thing.

I’m very much a communicator and I read a lot of self help and relationship books so that I can be the best partner I can be, and learn and grow as a human. But if I can’t get past not feeling a physical chemical attraction, none of that really matters. I’m at a crossroads, and feel like I don’t know where to go from here. I know that pictures can be deceiving, but I imagine it’s pretty rare that people actually look younger and better in person in this day and age of everything being filtered. I’ve tried matching with guys that aren’t really fitting my interest visually, thinking that maybe adding the personality and overview in person will add to the experience. But then these guys can’t even communicate decently, or don’t even show enough interest to keep communicating and they always drop off within a week or two without ever meeting.

I’m just really frustrated, and don’t know what to do. HOW do you change your brain chemistry to be open to attraction when you’ve always felt it was limited? I truly want a real relationship, a full relationship, which includes flirting and great sex and being able to look at someone and feel that you feel they’re handsome even if nobody else does. If you don’t have that, all you have is great companionship and then that’s eventually eroded away and you end up over in r/deadbedrooms. I just feel like the older I get, the more doomed I am. Please be kind, my confidence is shot.