Summary This is not so much a field report but rather my own account of my unplugging, it will cover a time span of over 15 years so a little long. I think it’s important to create context so the first part is really dedicated to the story behind our meeting and marriage, the second part is the events leading up to the divorce. The experiences I have gone through have fundamentally rewired my psychology and how I see relationships and the opposite sex. Having read this sub daily, I think it is high time to give a little back to the community that crystalised what I already knew to be true.
Part 1 – The ultimate Beta provider
I met my ex-wife when I was 24 years old and she was 18, we both worked part time at a store in the capital city of an African country (one of the more developed ones). We were friends at first, I thought she was innocent and sweet, a little awkward but cute. Her father had passed away when she was 8, her mother was a teacher and ruled the house with an iron fist, very conservative and everyone pulled their weight in the household. I respected her mom, she was dealt a tough hand and made the best of a bad situation. I felt that a girl who had been brought up in that environment was bound to be good enough for me.
Our paths diverted when I finished my studies and started working full time, she remained working at the stationary store, struggling to help her mom pay the bills…very little future prospects, stuck in a rut.
2 years later, we bump into each other at a bar, we exchange phone numbers and started dating. She dropped her current boyfriend almost immediately to be with me. She was ambitious and wanted to continue studying, she had taken a 1 year break after high school to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. Financially strapped, she could not easily afford tertiary study. She had saved some money for her studies but nowhere near enough. She managed to secure a bursary/scholarship to one of the top universities (she was a smart girl) who paid for 50% of her studies. At this point, deep in a relationship with her and wanting her to be happy, I paid for the rest. (mistake 1)
2 years later. The political situation in our country had gone south and we make the decision to leave for the UK. I would go first and get settled, she would complete her last year of study and then move to the UK. Just prior to her moving, we got married…a spousal Visa was the only way to get her into Europe (mistake 2). I knew she loved me and I so deeply loved her, her innocence, her frailty, her vulnerability.
After she moved to the UK, she decided to change her career direction, she wanted to be a Software Engineer like I was but did not know where to start. We found a college that offered a 1 year Software Engineer qualification, she studied for a year, I paid for her studies and she lived with me rent free. She was my wife, my duty as her husband was to help her be successful so that one day, we could build a strong family unit and not struggle financially (mistake 3)
After a while the sex dropped off, I thought this was natural after being together for so long. We had sex once a month if that. I tried talking to her about it, it would be OK for a week or two and then we were back to where we started. I swallowed it…she was my wife, I loved her and our relationship was beyond sex (Mistake 4).
One day, after being sexless for approximately two months and missing the affection I so longed for, I found an e-receipt on my home computer from an online store for 3 dildos and some anal lube, they had been ordered several weeks back. I felt betrayed; she would rather have sex with plastic than with me? her loving husband that had given her everything. I went into our bedroom and found them hidden at the back of her sock draw. I did not have problem with her getting dildos, I just felt excluded…this was something we could have done together, she could have been open with me. She said she was going to surprise me and spice up our sex. We fought for a couple of days about this, but it passed…I loved her, I believed her…but I also realised, she was not attracted to me anymore (mistake 5).
After she finished her Software Engineering studies, I pulled some strings and got her a job as a junior developer working for the same company I worked for but in a different division. We had always had a joint bank account, the account where my salary had been going to, she had her own card for this account and I was finally happy that I was not going to be the only financial contributor to that account. 3 months after starting work she said she wanted her salary to go into a separate account and she would transfer “her share” into the joint account monthly….RED FLAGS suddenly started flying everywhere. I made it clear that I had been covering her ass for the last 4 or 5 years, there is 1 joint “family” account and her fucking salary would be going into the family account. Just like I was happy to do when she was contributing nothing. Her salary went into this account, but she opened a separate account where €200 would be transferred monthly to her….at this point, I am starting to feel fucked over…but I am her husband, we are a family, she loves me and I love her…nothing is going to break that….right?
2 years later, our bedroom still dead…we agree to have kids, our first son arrived in 2006. We decide to leave London to have a “fresh” start, I manage to secure a good position with a company in Germany, we sold our home in London (which I paid for) and moved…a new life in Germany.
In Germany, she stayed at home bringing up the kids, our second son arrived in 2008, we built a huge family home in an exclusive area in the town we stayed in. When the kids were old enough…she went back to work. I was happy, there was no sex but that was not important. We had a beautiful home, 2 smart kids, a great circle of friends, we were both working and had secure futures. Life was perfect…except, I knew she found me repulsive.
Part 2 – The downfall (Chad enters stage left)
She had been working for about 6 months. The year prior, she had dieted and lost substantial weight. She started looking after herself and I was happy for her, I complimented her every day, tickled and teased her…she laughed. I had always done regular exercise, while I was not ripped, I was by no means fat. One morning, after getting the kids ready and sitting them down for breakfast, I went upstairs to the bathroom…she was doing her face, I came up behind her, hugged her and whispered in her ear “you are looking so good, I can’t wait to get home tonight so we can have some alone time”. She said, “Perhaps if you weren’t so fat I would fuck you”. I said….nothing…shocked, I went downstairs, packed the kids in the car and drove them to kindergarten. For the first time...I started thinking about divorce. After all that we had been through, all our shared experiences..she blurted out such a hurtful thing so easily.
A month later, she did some online training for a week where a bunch of students sit in a virtual class room. A couple of days in, she tells me it is really cool, and one of the other students (Dave) is a really funny guy…I would love him if I ever met him. I think nothing of it.
That weekend, while on our Tablet at home, she had left her email account open. I noticed 20 emails between her and “Dave”. I click on the first one, the email history attached below…they are flirting. I confront her, she says they are just friends and he is in the UK...no danger. I tell her its not OK to be married and flirting with other guys…think of everything we have built up, the kids, the house…me. She cries and says it will stop.
I don’t trust her. I hack all her accounts and have access to her phone. She sends him an email the next day saying she loved her husband and they need to stop. He agrees.
Two days later, she initiates contact again with him and it escalated quickly, I see the email exchanges but let it develop, perhaps she will do the right thing. At dinner, I ask her if she has spoken to him again…she says no, that’s all history.
Five days later, its escalated…he is sending cock shots, she is sending vag shots to him via email. I again ask her if she has spoken to him. She says no, with an absolutely straight face but unable to look me in the eyes (well what do you know, my little angel is a really good lier). I tell her I think she is lying and ask her to show me her phone…she refuses. Then, admits it. She cries, she knows it was wrong…we agree to try again. Its only online right...think of the family, think of the house, the kids…our life together, our history. I mean… I was there to help her bury her mom when she passed,her pillar of support…didn’t that mean anything to her? She sends him an email saying they have to stop…he agrees.
Another 3 days pass, she initiates contact with him again, she is talking about how beautiful his cock is and she can’t wait to lick the cum off of it. Turns out my little princess is a raging whore that wants all her holes filled. Dave was good, he knew exactly what to say to get her wet…I read it all, each message kills me a little inside. I say nothing…perhaps she will figure out that this is wrong and come back to me. After 2 days of intense emails between the two, explaining how they plan to fuck each other…I have got to the point where I realise that I do not know this woman at all.
That night, I have said nothing…she is lying in bed next to me with her laptop. I pretend to be sleeping….she can’t see my eyes, I have a pillow over my head. I can see her screen. I pretend to be asleep, deep breathing...she opens her email account and starts typing...after 5 minutes I say “How is Dave?”…she slams the laptop shut, she denies it...I ask her to show me…she refuses, then admits it. I blow my top…WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE THINKING! She is going to risk this family for an internet fling with some prick in the UK?! The house, the kids, our friends circle…everything we have built up!!? She says she can’t help it….she needs this adventure. I tell her she has to make a decision..its me or Dave. She leaves and goes for a walk…crying. I go to bed; she comes home and sleeps in the other bedroom.
The next day, she sends Dave an email saying that she has to choose between her husband or him…and she chooses him. I was at work when I read this…it took a minute to sink in, I went to the bathroom, holding back tears, violently started vomiting, then passed out…I don’t know how long I was out for. I left work dazed and confused, went home and slept…
She got home, asked if I was OK…said I was fine, shaking, pale, dehydrated…I had not eaten in days. We started talking and I asked her if she had reached a decision? She said she wanted to stay and hold family together (the lying whore)…I pretended to be oblivious; she then suggested an open relationship. I told her to fuck off, I had self respect, if this is what she wanted then it was not over…she still wanted to fuck him. I knew it was over between us…if it was not Dave, it was only a matter of time before she was fucking someone else, I was starting to unplug.
The next day, I told her she had a divorce on her hands, the switch had gone off in my head. Having read the exchanges between her and Dave…I did not know this cunt at all and she was unpredictable. Everything I did now was focused on protecting myself and my kids. I immediately removed her from my bank account, contacted a lawyer and minimised all communication with her.
I took some extended holiday from work, I was not able to function. My concentration was shot. My day consisted of waking up, doing 200 pushups and 100 situps. I ran 10km every morning and 10kms in the afternoon. I would do push ups at every opportunity I had. At night, I would go out with a friend and we would hit all the bars in town. I needed distraction, I had serious IDGAF and for some reason (we all know this)….woman flocked to me. Over the next 8 weeks I would end up texting with about 12 different woman, they could not get enough. I was a 40 year old man at the time, on one of the first nights out I met 24 year HB9 hairdresser who could not keep her hands off me. Being out of the game for so long, I did not close…and in reality…I did not want to close. But it gave me hope for the future…this new life might not be all bad.
My soon to be ex wife saw this transformation and hated it, now that I had grown a set of nuts and took control of my own life, she detested it. Her Beta provider was disappearing (and somehow becoming attractive again)
I was still tapped into her accounts, she was making concrete plans to go fuck Dave in a hotel in London now that she was getting divorced, she had a free pass to fuck Dave. They were sending hundreds of messages to each other every day, describing what they were going to be doing to each other, things you would not want done to a farm animal…my little princess that I looked after like brittle porcelain was going to be A2M’ing Dave…nice. A close friend who I shared everything with told me to stop reading these messages, it was killing me. I said no, I needed to read this because they were cauterising the last set of feelings I had for this woman. I would stop, but only after I was done with the last step.
She told me she was going to London to visit her brother…I knew better. I told her I was not stupid and knew that she was planning this, she denied it. I knew what time they were meeting, what hotel they were staying at, I knew the room number, I knew that she had an appointment to have her Vag waxed the day prior to meeting him. Her cousin in London was to lie and say she was with her in case I called. I suspected she wanted to attempt a rescue after she came back from London. Little did she know.
We had a house together and this was on the market, it would take another 3 months before house got sold. She wanted me to move out…I told her to go fuck herself. She created this situation, she should move out. She wanted to sleep in the main bedroom...it was her room. I told her to go fuck herself…I paid for everything and she should move to the guest bedroom. Her car broke down, she called me…I told her to go fuck herself and call “Dave”. I had given her so much in the past and it would be a cold day in hell before she squeezed anything else from me.
For the sake of the kids at home, we were cordial with each other, parental duties continued as they were. We tried to keep life for the kids normal. We made arrangements to have house sold, agreed to divide up furniture and liquid assets…I just wanted out. Her trip to London was in about 6 weeks, during those 6 weeks, I was on an emotional roller coaster. My life consisted of running, pushups, situps, bars at night and meeting new people. I was content with my future one hour, the next hour I was curled up on my bed crying. During a low period I contemplated suicide, I came close, but how would my kids live knowing their father committed suicide...I stepped back from the ledge
She left for London, when she left, I told her not to fuck him with a smile on my face. She smiled and said that I was crazy and she was not meeting him. She continued denying it as she had done for the last few weeks. The night they met in London, I gave it a couple of hours then I called up the Hotel, I asked to be put to through to Mr Dave Thundercocks room. He answered….I said “Hi Dave, do me a favour, can I speak to Mrs All_fixed_now?”, he said ”sure, who should I say is calling?”…I waited 3 seconds then said “her husband”…he hung up. I then called her mobile, she answered…”all_fixed_now, why are you doing this, just leave me for tonight?”, I coldly said “just so you know that I’ m not as stupid as you currently look. I heard room 743 is really nice and I bet it has not seen as much action as it is seeing tonight. The only thing I want you to know is that you have lied to me for 15 years about who you really are…now, I know exactly who you are”….I hung up.
I was done and I felt nothing anymore. I was not angry, depressed, happy or sad…I was just empty. My close friend suggested I talk to someone to deal with the pain, I felt no pain…nothing. I remember talking to him saying that it felt like my psychology had been rewired over the last 8 weeks. My opinion of marriage, being a provider, the true nature of woman, what I would compromise for a woman and what I would not had completely flipped. I would never get married again, I would maintain my independence and I realised that woman aren’t these fragile little creatures that need to be looked after, it is in their best interests for you to believe that…but they are experts at deception.
She came back from London, as expected...there were tears, begged me to take her back. She tried to come onto me, get touching and affection. I pushed her back. I sat there coldly while she bawled, told me she loved me, for the sake of the kids, the house, our family, all the history we had together…she was distraught and so desperately wanted me back, my emotions felt tickled…only slightly. I sat back in my chair, looked at her coldly and then said “So Daves cock did not taste that good then did it”?...got up…and walked off.
I was done.
UPDATE - The Epilogue
Many of you have asked for an epilogue, how things turned out. While my original post was quite long, I will add a few more paragraphs to close off the loose ends. This all happened during the last quarter of 2011, from when I first discovered the flirting in October, to when she came back from London in November and to when I met my next LTR (a different post) in December. The house was sold in December 2011 but I only moved in February 2012 so we had a couple of more months living together in the house….I was not moving out.
After she came back from London, she made several attempts to fix things with me. She went from being nice, she tried appealing to my emotions, talking about the kids, she even tried climbing into my bed naked in the middle of the night. She was in emotional turmoil but I was so thoroughly disgusted by the person I now knew she was that I coldly and calmly rejected all of her advances. This usually resulted in anger from her, I walked away…did not care, I felt nothing. One night after her usual attempts and anger, she said that Dave was the best fuck she ever had….he made her cum 6 times that night, my response “good for you”.
After the veil of “love” had been lifted from her, the beauty I had seen in her disappeared. I saw her for the aesthetic wretch that she was, a HB5…a 6 on a good day. I was repulsed by her, even though I had never come across the RedPill at this point, I knew something had changed in me, something fundamental.
My life was now open ended, I could do anything I wanted and had no commitments to her, the only thing I needed to worry about was myself and my kids. After 15 years of being the sole breadwinner…it was liberating. The one thing I knew was that I did not want any more kids, I would likely be running around like a dog with two dicks and wanted to make sure that I was in control of choosing to have kids or not. I had a vasectomy in December and it was the best decision I ever made (and you will know why in my next post).
I realized that despite me having no feelings for this woman, she was still the mother of my kids and she needed to be OK for my kids. After all that she had done to me, I was fair to her and made sure she was OK to find her own place, get moved in and there was minimal impact to my kids…that’s the only thing that mattered.
In December 2011, I was juggling multiple women, I was out every night with friends or dates and I was looking for an apartment in the old town of my city. I scheduled a viewing to see an apartment I was interested in, waiting at the door…an attractive real estate agent comes up to me and introduces herself. She was 33 years old and extremely attractive, slim, dressed well and had beautiful blue eyes. We go inside and she starts showing me around, she asks why I am looking for an apartment, I let her know it’s a divorce…she starts telling me about her divorce. We spent 3 minutes looking at the apartment and the next hour talking about our failed relationships. She was open and honest, a breath of desperately needed fresh air. She was to be my next LTR.
I heard through the grapevine that my ex-wife went off the rails for a few months. On the weekends that the kids were with me, she would apparently go out with “friends” and fuck anything that moved. Apparently she even had a couple of Lesbian encounters. Over the next 3 months, she introduced 2 men to the kids, guys that stuck around for a couple of weeks. After the second one disappeared off the scene, I told her to settle the fuck down and find a new man and stick with it. I did not want a revolving door of men coming and going out of my kids life, if the kids were introduced to one more man that was only there for a couple of weeks…she would find herself in court and I would look for custody.
6 months later, the ex-wife met another guy and she has been with him ever since. Tall, balding on top with a pony tail, skinny but with a fat stomach, only drinks Soda’s and Red Bull, absolutely no dress sense. My friends have told me she downgraded…as long as she is happy I don't care. He is BB through and through and a “nice guy”, he is good to my kids and teaches them right from wrong, he is not a negative influence on them. They stick around for a coffee when they pick-up or drop-off the kids, we do birthday party’s together and there is no anger.
My ex-wife continues to be extremely “nice” to me, she tries to help and make my life easier, I put it down to her guilt nerve still twinging in the back of her neck.
Oh...and she has put all the weight back on. I am in the best shape of my life (thanks to TRP's lifting advice)
• You think you know your little snowflake? You don’t know her at all. If you think she is a snowflake, it’s because that’s what she wants you to believe. It serves her purpose
• Don't be a Beta provider – Does not matter how lost she feels, does not matter how much your caretaker instinct tells you to help. She will not appreciate it in the future, the only thing she appreciates is what happens now (Brifaults law).
• Don’t be a begging Beta, if she does not want to have sex with you then don’t beg, you can’t negotiate this shit. Be the guy she wants to fuck, and if it’s not her…then it’s another one of the lined up woman. My current response to a dead bedroom shit test is “You don’t control my sex life, you either keep me happy or I get someone else to keep me happy”
• If she cheats - the only thing that can be rescued is your self respect, GTFO and show no emotion
• Some people on this forum say "dont get married", I would take it a step further and say dont ever get yourself into LTR situation with a woman where you cant walk away at the drop of a hat. Maintain independence, have no dependents.
Edit 1 Geezuz guys!!! my first serious post and you guys give me nearly 1000 upvotes and you toss fucking gold at me?!
Edit 2 By popular request, I have closed off my story with a small Epilogue. How things turned out.
Edit 3 For my next post I plan to talk about the lessons learned from my next LTR (the real estate agent). That relationship is about to end.
Edit 4 Link to my follow-up post I did a while back https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3kdu83/fr_she_is_not_who_you_think_she_is_again/?st=iz7634qi&sh=78ff16ba