TL,DR: AF/BB is more complicated than just "they lost the spark" during marriage. It happens because women compromise too much on sexual attraction. They marry men they are kind of attracted to, but not enough for a long term relationship or for marriage, and they are not as attracted to their husbands as they are to the men they used to have sex with. It happens because wives start expecting sex to play small roles in the marriage, especially if they have had good, attractive sexual partners before marriage. They marry their husbands for the wrong reasons - because they want the status of marriage and because he's "good enough".

It happens because men don't understand sexual attraction; they stupidly listen to their wives who tell them how to create sexual attraction; they worry way too much about how their wives "feel" at any given time; and the husbands neglect their own sexual and nonsexual wants, needs and interests. They marry their wives for the wrong reasons - because they're getting laid and they want to keep getting laid with just "ok" sex with a woman who is sort of attracted but not really, and they can't tell whether she's attracted or not.


Many people insist that AFBB happens because the relationship "lost its spark for whatever reason". Of course, the man is blamed for this - he isn't attractive, or he was attractive and then 'beta-ed out', so she lost attraction. Or it is just "life" happening.

This is actually a bit simplistic. From interacting with men online and in real life who have been the victims of this duallized female sexual strategy, what actually happens is more complex and has its roots in the people involved. The stage was usually set for it long before the hapless husband and wife met.

Let's illustrate this with a realistic hypothetical example drawn from composites from real life people I've known and from Married Red Pill and AskMRP.


Husband grew up kind of socially awkward, has one or two friends from high school and college he keeps in touch with. He had one or two girlfriends, a fling or two, and a ONS. He comes to the relationship with N=5 or 6. He is average in every way - doesn't lift, dadbod, average face. He's picked up enough social skill to get and keep friends, get laid rarely, and get a decent job in junior management for BigCorp. He earns $60K a year at age 28.

Wife grew up with a dominant dad and a submissive mom. Dad was a drinker but got into AA and has been sober about 5 years. She lost her virginity at 17 to her High school boyfriend. She had three serious boyfriends, one in college and two since graduating. She has had a fling or two, but no ONS. She comes to the relationship with N=8 or 9 at age 26, with unresolved daddy issues.

What usually happens is that in order to find a man actually willing to commit to her and marry her, she is compromising quite heavily on sexual attraction. She is attracted enough to him to avoid puking in her mouth when they have sex. She is attracted enough to him to make herself have sex with him when he wants to. Hell, sometimes she can even be willing to have sex with him, and sometimes for her the sex is pretty good. But she is not nearly as attracted to him as she was to the men she used to fuck as a younger woman, and that's the key. He's minimally attractive to her, just enough for him to have a shot and for her to give him a chance (so long as he is all in with his commitment and provisioning).

And she really does love the guy, like a really good friend. She really does care about him and his well-being. She likes him as a human being, as an individual. She shares common interests with him and they have a lot in common. They agree on a lot of the core stuff: Kids, faith, finances.

But - and this is key - he just doesn't give her those feelings of sexual attraction all the time. He just doesn't inspire that in her. Maybe sometimes, it's pretty good, if he goes down on her and eats her out and she orgasms. She certainly doesn't feel for him the way she did for a couple of the guys she used to fuck back in college. But she has "been there done that" with sex, and none of those worked out, so she has decided to try a new tack and get with a "good guy" who will "love me" and "be there for me" and "get started on life together". The sex isn't that important. The sexual attraction will come with time. If it doesn't come, well, that's OK, because we now have to get about the business of living life and raising MY kids, etc.

As for the man? Well, he did his best at the beginning. He turned on as much "charm" as he could. He did all those things people tell him to do. He is very nice to her. He takes her on dates where he drops $100 on dinner at nice restaurants. Occasionally he throws some "alpha" in there where he makes decisions for them and plans things for them to do together. Sometimes he tells her "no, we're not doing that" or "I'm doing this, you do what you want". He didn't do them because they're "alpha" - he has no concept of this. He has only the vaguest ideas of how sexual attraction works for women, in large part because most of the information he has about attraction came from women. He just did them because he wanted to - something she found kind of attractive in him.

He also has his shit halfway together in that he has a job, he's earning money, he can dress himself OK, and he looks OK, if not his tip top best. His physical appearance is dad-bod.

He really does love this woman. He cares about her. Mostly, he is happy because she is a regular sex partner. He is getting laid regularly, about once or twice a week, and that's GREAT for him. This is the most sex he's ever gotten, it's the best sex he's ever gotten. He knows that if this ends, it could be months or years before he gets laid like this again. He wants the sex to continue. Yes he likes her , even loves her. But he very, very badly wants the sex to continue.

Then comes The Talk. She's not being malicious here. But she is trying to manipulate him into marriage. This is the best relationship (but nowhere NEAR the best sex) she's ever had. He puts up with her shit. He takes her out. They laugh together now and then. But most importantly to her, he is still here after a year and a half, putting up with her shit, taking her out, and spending time with her.

Tick tock, she thinks. Shit, I'm almost 28. This guy would be a great father for my kids. I won't find another guy like this who stays with me through all the crap. I'm running out of time. I need answers...

Then out it comes. The DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP moment. The "WHAT AM I TO YOU??" plaintive plea.

"Where are we going with this? I really wanna get married. If you're not going to marry me then maybe I should go fuck other guys we should think about seeing other people".

Shit. She's gonna break up with me if we don't get married. I don't really want to, don't really feel ready. What we have now is pretty good. Why change it? We're having fun. But... sex. The sex. What if....

Our intrepid H and W go ahead and get married. He's 30. She's 28.

He wants to be a good husband. He's listened to his mom and his one friend's girlfriend and his other friend's wife of a year. Be nice to each other. Do things for her. If she asks for something, get/do it for her.

Husband expects the marriage to be a continuation of their dating life, only they're living together now. He doesn't want to change anything, except putting everything together. In his mind, he has a live in girlfriend where sexytimes can happen all the time now.

Wife has different ideas. She is nesting and making a home. She also sets about trying to change him. And -- this is key -- he actually starts listening to her. He actually starts trying to change, because he wants her to be happy, and she says changing will make her happy, and every woman in his life told him to give her what she wants, because happy.

He wants her to be happy. Mostly, he wants her happy because then he will get sex. So he starts getting rid of things about him that he likes but that she says interfere with the marriage relationship in some way, because that will "make her happy".

And other things in life go on. Job change. Kid. then another kid. His dad dies. Her mom gets sick and goes into the hospital. Life happens.

The small amount of sexual attraction Wife had for Husband at the beginning was enough to keep her attention until the wedding. It was enough to keep her having sex with him for the first couple of years. But it was not anywhere near enough to carry them into 5, 10, 15 years of marriage, nor to survive all the daily distractions of life. Plus, she married him for the wrong reasons - because she expected him to keep working, make money, sire and help her raise her kids.

He expected her to continue having sex with him despite his lacking even a fundamental understanding of how women get sexually attracted to men. He expected her "happiness" to translate into "sexual attraction". He also married her for the wrong reasons - because he wanted to keep fucking a woman who was essentially using him (though she didn't intend to).

Neither H nor W have ANY idea what happened, or why this happened. THey have no idea why they have missionary sex once every other month. She doesn't care about the sex anymore; he is supremely frustrated with it. She has NO idea why she doesn't want to fuck him anymore. He has NO idea how they got there, nor even the first thing to do to fix it.

They thought they'd done everything right. They thought they'd done what everyone advised them to do. They have been working hard on their marriage. They have no idea why they're on the brink of divorce -- why he's been drinking more; and why she's been having weird feelings of attraction for the principal at the middle school where she teaches.

This is happening because

--she compromised heavily on sexual attraction.

--she was attracted to him, enough to have sex with him, but not enough to be really excited about sex with him.

--her attraction for him was not enough in quantity or quality. what little attraction was there dissipated when he didn't keep it up and over time. And what little attraction was there was not nearly enough to sustain their relationship through difficult times in the marriage.

--she expected sex to play a very small role in the marriage. She had had her sexual fun, and it was now time to "get serious about life". The sexual attraction never really came, but to her that was OK because that kind of thing just happens in marriage and, well, he's fine with sex once a week, once a month, once every other month. He never complains about it, and if he does, well, he's just being immature and he needs to grow up.

--He did almost nothing to keep up his sexual attractiveness, mostly because he didn't know how.

--He did what she told him to do on conducting his life. He let her "run the marriage".

--He concerned himself far too much with her emotional state. He did things specifically to make her happy. In doing so he neglected himself, and his wants/needs/interests. That's why he stopped speaking up about sex and he retreats to jacking off to porn most nights -- he wants her to be happy, and she told him to stop pressuring her for sex, and his wanting sex makes her unhappy, so he just stopped.

So there's a lot more to it than "the spark was lost" somewhere. It starts long, long before the hapless couples ever get married. They marry for the wrong reasons, she marries a man she's really not all that attracted to; he marries a woman and then promptly gives up everything that makes him attractive.