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Getting divorced. What's the best approach at this stage?

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Diesel_Dragon
March 4, 2020
20 upvotes
askMRP

For background see my last post.

I am currently on vacation with my soon to be ex wife. We had a great time initially. Relaxing, having fun, she initiated sex all day everyday. More sex than we have had in the past 3 months. It was fucking great. Felt like all my hard work was starting to pay off. This is the last night we are here. We are flying home tomorrow. It was by far the best vacation I have ever had. Had anal sex for the first time, she liked it. I took her out and we had some fun a few nights. I got a ton of attention from other women etc. Tonight we went to a bar and she got drunk. She's currently passed out in bed and claims she has no idea what she did and why I'm pissed. Here's what happened... At the bar I was constantly being approached and eye fucked by much younger women, but nothing escalated past introductions and small talk. My wife clung to me like I was a piece of gold and someone was trying to pry it out of her hands. Literally putting her hands down my pants while trying to talk to people and trying to have a good time. Some dude was piss drunk and stumbled and was about to fall down, I caught him with one hand and prevented him from falling. Him and his circle of friends thought I was a fucking hero and called me superman for the rest of the night. It was smooth as fuck. They bought me a round of drinks and their girls were trying to grind with me. I declined. My wife saw all this and was basically trying to fuck me on the dance floor. We grinded for a bit and had fun. It was amazing. I felt like king shit. I turned to talk to one of the guys, where you from, what do you do, etc...small talk bullshit. I turned and saw my wife grinding with another guy. Significantly lower SMV than mine and hers for that matter. I approached and said that's enough, she's my wife and only dances with me. She looks at me and then sticks her tongue down his throat... I said if that's what you want to do with him fine, I'm leaving... Find another way back to the hotel, or don't. I walked out, she followed and tried to kerp me at the bar. I just told her I'm done and going back to the hotel. Decide what you want to do. She came with and cried the whole way back. I thought I would be more upset that she did that right in front of me... But I don't really care... I knew it was over and the only thing that annoys me is that I have to go through the divorce process and I really don't want to deal with that right now. I have so much shit going on right now... I'll find out in 2 days whether or not I passed my final exam for my business. If I do, which I'm very confident I did, I'll be making 150k + a year. I don't want to share any of that with her... Should I suck it up and pretend everything is cool for a bit until I have the rest of my shit in order and then serve her the papers? Or should I end it as soon as I get back? Sorry for the shit formatting. On mobile. Thanks gents.


Post Information
Title Getting divorced. What's the best approach at this stage?
Author Diesel_Dragon
Upvotes 20
Comments 71
Date 04 March 2020 05:12 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/352215
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/fd85b7/getting_divorced_whats_the_best_approach_at_this/
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Comments

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red33 points34 points  (4 children) | Copy

Had anal sex for the first time, she liked it.

Its because someone else has anal trained her dummy.

[–]hack3geRed Beret16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy

Not sure why guys don’t recognize this - it took me weeks to get my wife to the point where she could actually get my dick in her ass. If your wife takes it first time then it isn’t her first time.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Weeks? And I'm over here like a retard on month #2. Long game I guess.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Haha it was 4 weeks total to when I actually fucked her and came in her ass - I actually got it in like after 3 weeks but she was very tight and couldn’t handle me moving.

The big thing that helped was plugs while I was fucking her and kept increasing size each week. I mean we fuck like a couple times a day so depending on how often you fuck I could see this taking a couple of months.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cool that you went backdoor on your wife for the first time. Not cool that you didn’t recognize based on her actions and the readings here that you weren’t the first one in there. She is wanting the freedom to have Chad fuck her in the ass and get a piece of your promotion. Her opening of another orifice to you was just trying to tie you down and to placate you into looking the other way to her actions. It wasn’t because she thinks you are all alpha now. The ILYBINILWY speech is usually the nail in the coffin. Take it as a blessing she showed you who she was right in front of you. When someone shows you who they are believe them.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret37 points38 points  (7 children) | Copy

This shit was over months ago when you got the ILYBINILWY speech. At least you didn't try to stick your head in the sand then like most faggots.

Now she sticks her tongue down the throat of a rando like she's probably done before.

Read Red-Curious divorce posts on the sidebar.

Should have taken to heart what I told you then and planned an exit and saved yourself some time.

+1 ILYBINILWY red flag for cheating, yet again.

[–]hack3geRed Beret9 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

She definitely has fucked other dudes - she’s basically begging him to kill the puppy.

The only sure thing in life beside death is that ILYBINILWY means there’s another dude. It’s the death sentence for any relationship ask me how I know.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

ask me how I know.

Someone asked me that same question last week.

How do you know?

[–]hack3geRed Beret3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Got the same speech from the wife - she had bad opsec and saw first hand what that means from her conversations with her friends and the guy.

Oh also neighbor got the same thing from his ex wife and she was fucking around with two other dudes.

[–]TheBlockedUser1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Still wife? Why?

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Long story but the short of it is I was a codependent faggot who should have nuked it then and there but didn’t.

She had really bad op sec so I could see how things were going. She said to him and her friends how she didn’t want to cheat but couldn’t help how she felt and she wanted a divorce. The guy was trying to convince her to cheat then divorce so I burned it all to the ground the day I saw that - got a lawyer and had papers drawn up and handed them to her the next day.

Queue hysterical bonding and her wanting to work on our marriage - she hamstered that she was lost and confused and should never have let things get to that point and was testing if I still wanted her - by that time I had zero fucks left to give and decided to live my life on my terms and use her as a cum dumpster while I planned my actual exit.

It was pretty standard MRP from there on out. She went crazy for like 9 months - assaulted me, threatened to kill me, threatened to kidnap our kids, told me she loved me, told me never to leave her - that all led to a main event and she became a submissive little slut and does what ever I want now.

I may still leave who knows - right now she adds value and doesn’t ask questions when I’m sure she knows I’m fucking other women on the side.

The real answer to your question is because I choose to let her stay my wife until I decide otherwise.

[–]TheBlockedUser0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

A personal value of mine is that I don't like cheating. But if mine (or anyone else's for that matter) spouse cheats on me.... brother, it is open season.

"assaulted me, threatened to kill me, threatened to kidnap our kids."

This part is worrisome though. Especially "kidnapping" the kids.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

That was leading up to our main event - she’s as submissive and sweet as can be now. Pretty much a model wife.

[–]marv86kw14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy

So why didn't you have your cock sucked by one of those hot girls grinding on you, you could have wifey hold her hair.

It seems you think she's the prize, thought you had her, and lost your shit when you saw that.

[–]hack3geRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Because he’s actually a giant faggot who she has zero respect for.

[–]go-RED-go28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your wife grinding and sticking a tounge in another guy infront you is a symptom that your marriage was fucked up waaaay before this weird shit happened. This is just an escalating manifestation of your dysfunctional relationship. Have you really not seen this coming?

[–]testzxcvb19 points20 points  (3 children) | Copy

No advice. Just wanted to say I feel for you man. People here want to say you played it wrong by mate guarding or getting upset. Fuck that. Theory doesn't prepare you for the realness of seeing that shit face to face.

I think the only WRONG way to play it is acting incongruent with your values - which you did not do. So chin up, take some time to process this shit and focus on self-care for a bit. Unless you're a sociopath or the Buddha himself, that shit would sting, so take some time to get right with yourself, then take the correct action i.e. surgical precision divorce.

Two general pieces of advice: (1) divide life into 24 hours blocks and just make it through them one at a time. (2) focus on doing the next right thing. Forgot attitudes, behaviour is all that matters, so act, but point of both these pieces of advice is don't get overwhelmed tying to do everything at once or too fast. Eat the whole elephant one bite at a time. Good luck.

[–]rightsided11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is what he really came here for: a pat on the back and massage his broken ego. Like horns mentioned, he came a month ago and didn't figure the shit out then.

[–]testzxcvb17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

You might be right. But compassion only cost me time and I had some to spare. Dude has a huge mountain in front of him.

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for this.

[–]lefty92913 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do what you need to do to financially protect yourself. Talk to lawyers or accountants if need be. This isn’t the legal/Financial advice sub.

I agree 100% she should be tossed to the curb though. Don’t let the sex dissuade you, that was a cold as fuck move on her part to ram her tongue down another dudes throat. No matter how drunk you are, you’re aware you’re crossing a major line when you do shit like that.

[–]FoxShitNasty836 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

I knew it was over and the only thing that annoys me is that I have to go through the divorce process and I really don't want to deal with that right now

What "annoys" you more. Filing for divorce or not setting any consequences for your wife's actions.

Doing something painful VS having no self respect.

I would be getting the papers done bags packed and chucking the cheating whore out of the house. She's not your problem anymore. Your going to have the image of her kissing another man in your head for a long time. Fuck knows what else she's been up to when your not around.

[–]hack3geRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s inconvenient to have boundaries for him.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

This seems so crazy that I assumed it had to be a troll post. But, your account appears to be valid. There’s so much wrong, I don’t even know where to start.

You should have listened when we all told you the ILYBINILWY speech was her begging you to kill the puppy.

Get your ducks in a row. Stop all physical contact because you are too much of a faggot to not get drawn back in (by your ego). BTW. Your ego convincing you that you were alpha and turning the situation around is really a defense mechanism for your low self esteem.

[–]TheBlockedUser0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Given his other posts, I definitely think the same.

[–]Balls_Wellington_Main Event + Coronavirus14 points15 points  (9 children) | Copy

Leaving the bulk of the post to more experienced guys.

Just wanted to point out that

that's enough, she's my wife and only dances with me

Is some dumbass mate guarding shit. Showing emotional response to her actions and blowing any sort of OI you'd projected. That kind of thing flips a switch in a woman's head that makes her dead set on getting past the guard. I lost my virginity largely because a guy used a similar line.

In fact, your wife was almost definitely looking for that reaction when she danced with the other guy. And when her misbehavior got what she was looking for, she cranked it to 11 to see what would happen then.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ideally you have a wife who already knows and respects your boundary that she doesn't do that with other guys. Having the boundary isn't mate guarding, having to "convince" her to observe a known boundary is. I would have left her to her own devices at that point, gone off and did something I wanted, then planned the next steps from there (depending on overall relationship status).

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I agree it was mate guarding. We did have a conversation about what's ok and what's not ok. She knew what she was doing was not OK regardless of how drunk she was. She had a choice to make and it was the wrong one. I just really wanted more time before I ended it. Oh well...

[–]Tambamwham2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Dude... she’s BEEN cheating on you. What the fuck are we even talking about? Have you tested your kids yet? The just found out forum on survivinginfidelity.com is a good place for you to seek guidance too.

[–]Octellius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't.

How many of us got here however is by not having the frame to enforce our standards, and having never openly stated them. We were mostly hoping for the best and for the person we married to be a decent human being with an ethical standard similar to our own, so that we didn't have to set boundaries in the first place.

The mere existence of having to set that boundary means your probably picked the wrong partner already (and also that society is slipping).

The guys here will tell you that you created this situation. They are right and in my own individual circumstances(a bit different) it certainly was.

Yet, if you have read Rollo you realize that AWALT is in effect and the only counterbalance to our wives doing exactly as yours just did was the woman's knowledge that -their husbands would not tolerate that- at all ever. She thought she judged correctly that she could get away with it, or more specifically she doesn't care about the consequences.

IMHO the very fact that you spoke about it beforehand says that you thought it necessary(red flag) and that she decided to act as she did says that she wanted to test that line in the sand. What would cause her to decide that it was a line she was willing to cross, all consequence, almost no payoff? Yep. Now you can be certain.

So, take stock of what has been said all over this board, on your and other people posts. Realise you have a lot to learn and a whole life ahead to do it in and that this was not the end but the beginning of you DOING IT RIGHT. Realise that you have a process to follow now and you can tweak it to your benefit. The time for inaction is gone. The damage is irreparable. Set aside some time to do something that takes your mind off this for a few hours, then eat well, let off steam in the gym and start your planning.

[–]lefty9291 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Yeah I think shit like this is where normal RP theory falls apart

No one gives a fuck about mate guarding, OI, all that fuckery when your wife starts making out with another dude in front of you

That is all bets off at that point.

Any response where you’re acting congruent with your values is fine. Whether that be grabbing her by the hair and dragging her out, or just leaving by yourself. Doesn’t matter. Relationship is done.

To look at that moment and try to talk proper RP theory is fucking stupid mate.

[–]Balls_Wellington_Main Event + Coronavirus1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

The mate guarding comment was in response to her dancing with another guy. At a club. While OP danced with other girls.

He actually did the right thing when she kissed the guy, just left and told her she could stay if she wanted because they were through.

There's no telling, but I'd be willing to bet that if he'd had OI in that moment she would've come back to him when she saw dancing wasn't getting a rise out of him. Instead he went all Biff Tannen that's my girl and kicked off the whole thing.

[–]lefty9290 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

If your wife starts making out with another guy, do you think most guys are stopping to think “hey, I should be outcome independent! I should just be happy no matter what xDDDDD”

Basic RP tips and advice are great. But this isn’t a scenario where they apply.

This is a major relationship breakdown and your pointers on OI and mate guarding don’t mean fuck all.

He can react however he instinctively chooses and there isn’t a right and wrong. All there is, is simply, what should be done about her behaviour.

[–]Balls_Wellington_Main Event + Coronavirus-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

So you read nothing I wrote? Ok

[–]lefty9292 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Let’s recap

You read OPs post and started arguing the right and wrong move, addressing it like it was a casual thing, no big deal mate, just have OI.

Your comment would be great in TRP. It’s very relevant to plate spinning.

It isn’t relevant here particularly because it is a husband and wife and long term relationship/marriage.

This is a major boundary breaking behaviour that must be met with full on confrontation.

Consider rereading MMSLP and MAP, and releasing sidebar links in MRP as well.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am currently on vacation with my soon to be ex wife.

And yet you still give 200% too many fucks.

[–]rightsided6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

When did you stop caring? Your 'words'...,

I thought I would be more upset that she did that right in front of me... But I don't really care... I knew it was over

Betray your actions:

I turned and saw my wife grinding with another guy. Significantly lower SMV than mine and hers for that matter. I approached and said that's enough, she's my wife and only dances with me. She looks at me and then sticks her tongue down his throat... I said if that's what you want to do with him fine, I'm leaving...

Divorce her if you must, but you have work to do. Your whole post reeks of validation seeking and egotism.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep, he thought he turned a cheating whore (ILYBINILWY likely means she already cheated) into a submissive for him in a month. Her was so happy to have gotten anal, etc... Then she overtly demonstrated that she's still a cheating whore that doesn't give a fuck about him.

My guess is he'll stop posting here within a month and will stay with her.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Divorce her if you must, but you have work to do. Your whole post reeks of validation seeking and egotism.

This

[–]RStonePT2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you hit enter twice you create paragraphs so your text is legible and guys can gauge whether it's worth their time to offer assistance.

If you prepare your divorce similar to how you prepare your posts you need to work on your diligence

[–]razenha1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You should have already got your divorce planned when your wife told you she wanted to "kiss" other men.

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Already have it figured out. Just was hoping I wouldn't have to execute at this stage in my life. I'll come out the other end fine. Just complicates and delays my current plans. In the grand scheme it's a minor setback. Definitely won't break me or ruin my life. She will be worse off without me.

[–]Tyred_Biggums1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop making excuses - go see a lawyer and get your shit in order. What next?

"It was only a kiss, maybe I should stay - it would be financially better"

"Sure she is cheating with Chad, but it would be financially better to stay..." etc.

[–]DogPawDog2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

The balls on some women. Unreal.

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she's a 9 to 10 hot and not crazy you have to check for balls... Could be a tranny!

[–]academicRedditor1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

Thanks for sharing this! So sad you worked so hard for your marriage and she happened not to be committed 😔 Children? I hope not, but if you do, how are they going to fare on this divorce?

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy

Yeah we have 3 kids. 5, 3 and 1. I talked to a lawyer about a month ago. I have a good chance of full custody due to her history of mental health. But it's not 100% certain...

[–]An_Actual_Politician3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Three kids with this broad, including a 1 year old. Oof. By my MRP math that'll make you her financial slave for the better part of the next 20 years.

Regardless, stay on the path and like everyone said get your divorce house in order, covertly of course.

[–]TheBlockedUser1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Not to mention, he is going to divorce her AFTER his pay raise. What a bafoon.

[–]An_Actual_Politician1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don't women get to true all that up at some point? I think divorce laws are written so women can continue to drag guys into court for more gibsmedat whenever the guy gets a raise, even well after the divorce if it's still in the timeframes of the court ordered alimony/child support.

[–]TheBlockedUser1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If he were to get a raise, especially as large as 150K, after the divorce, it can manipulate and minimise the damage. And what I mean by damage, I refer to alimony.

[–]gameoflibidos1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do they all look like you? Look real carefully. You may want to instigate DNA tests as part of the divorce settlement.

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah they definitely do lol. Not a bad idea though.

[–]wheremyballsgo1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Looks like you caused some dread and she returned some dread. Women know dread works on them and they assume it would work on you too.

Would next for this if gf or done the like before. Has she ever been nexted or taught earlier In her life for this behavior?

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nope. I was her first LTR. She was dumped once by a guy in her teens but according to her it wasn't serious. The dread is definitely there and there's a ton of comfort tests I deal with on a weekly basis and every time we go out. I'm pretty good at passing comfort tests. They're really obvious. I think your right about her trying to up her level of dread. Makes a lot of sense. I have no issue with her receiving attention from other guys if she wants that validation from them, as long as she doesn't act on it and cross that line. Well she did cross it and now I can't be a pussy and back down... Her loss.

[–]bliceroquququq0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

You sound insecure as shit.

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

Maybe... But I currently don't feel like I am because it hasn't affected me emotionally which I thought it would. I know my turn with her is over and I'm glad I got to do all the kinky shit I wanted to do with her in bed. It's the divorce process I know I have to deal with but don't want to right now... That's the only thing that is affecting me right now.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

Most of your post was about how good it made you feel to be validated by others. Literal definition of insecure.

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

True enough. But I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't feel good seeing the results of my hard work. It means what I'm doing is working and I'm on the right path. Still a ton of room for improvement. Thanks for the reality check.

[–]Octellius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just wanted to share something with you. When I started with RP (I had not found MRP until much later) I found the 12 stages of dread, pretty much first. I decided I was going to fly through the stages to 'make her do what I want so I can get the sex I want'. I actively looked for way to manufacture dread artificially.

It's only 4-5 months later but I have to say that RP is half mindset. Dread is what you create passively as a result of executing your new set of values on personal standards along with the visible portions of dread (gym, dressing up, being in demand, etc). I feel that you are still in the stage where getting the outcome is more important.

I'll give you my personal take on what came next for me. If my wife doesn't desire sex or desire making me happy, then that's a reflection of me. I have work to do. Calling myself 'alpha' is an ego buffer to me getting to where I need to be and am impediment. If I had succeeded in 'dreading' my wife in to doing what I wanted, I would probably be further away from what I needed.

Not taking away from any progress you have made physically, but I believe that at least some of your wifes reaction to your progress would be her throwing you a bone to cloak her own 'progress' in her strategy. I would not use that as a marker of success. If you have a moment read up on Echo And Narcissus.

https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/10/the_story_of_narcissus.html

You may not be in the right frame of mind to absorb this right now, if so, set it aside. In time you'll understand what others have said about validation seeking and what I'm saying about my wife's actions on her being a reflection of me.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You think you made progress because a bunch of thots wanted to dance with you in a club? Fucking hilarious faggot.

If you didn’t put your cock in any of them all you did was give them validation which is what they were after and not your cock.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

OP, you've said you have spoken to a lawyer after she gave you the ILYBINILWY kiss of death. What does the lawyer say about what to do next? Good chance he'd advise you to hold off on significantly increasing your income prior to divorce to minimize alimony, etc. All depends on your location, but generally that's true.

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's pretty much exactly what he said. Also I need her to work more. She only works 3 days a week

[–]Tambamwham0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You rewarded your cheating wife with a vacation. Jesus dude. The fact that you didn’t time for divorce a month ago makes it hard to feel sorry for you. Good god. You should on almost a month of no contact not rewarding her.

[–]vabab80 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Any updates?

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You guys were right. There was someone else. It's over. Filing for divorce next week. Time for the go plan.

[–]venicerocco-5 points-4 points  (3 children) | Copy

So she got drunk and made out with a guy? And now your crying and going to put yourself through SHIT over this? Maybe lighten the fuck up and know that people are people and they make mistakes. Get the fuck over it and man the fuck up. Who gives a fuck if she did that? It's no big deal compared to all the crying and whining you're going to put yourself through over a massive over reaction.

[–]rightsided1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Picking up almond milk instead of regular milk is a mistake. Mixing up people's names who look similar is a mistake. French kissing another man in front of her husband, AFTER she acknowledged his presence by sticking her tongue out at him? This dude is one 'okay, hunny' away from being cucked

I agree that it's a simple choice: grow some balls and next/keep the wife, but all of this falls on him.

[–]Diesel_Dragon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not a mistake in my opinion. She told me a month ago she wanted to do that. I told her no I'm not ok with that and it constitutes cheating. Then she did it in front of me. She knew what she was doing and didn't think there would be consequences. She's wrong. The marriage is done.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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