When my ex first showed me her boobs, I didn't even know there were boobs that looked like that. They were seriously better than top posts on subreddits here. They felt great, and would get really erect when she was turned on (I didn't know boobs could get boners til I met her, they just got more conical).
And that was just her boobs. Her ass, legs, everything, was out of this world. We had all the same fetishes. She wanted it 10 times a day. I gave it to her 2-6 times, my balls were like raisins and was barely squeezing out drops into her. We had all the same fetishes too.
for various reasons, she went nuts and tried to kill herself in such a way that it would have looked like a homicide had she succeeded (20 floor balcony jump, I had to restrain her from doing it while she was shouting and screaming). I got out and dumped her after staging an intervention with her family and mental health professionals the very next day. She's getting better and wants me back badly but she's bad fucking news. I can't even talk to her without vivid nightmares and flashbacks (diagnosed with PTSD now)
Despite how traumatizing it was, I still fantasize about the sex. It. Was. Phenomenal.
I am desperately trying to find a girl who comes even close but I've through like 5 girls since and it was only at best about 30% as enjoyable as sex was with her. Spinning plates fucking sucks compared to the sex we were having.
What the fuck do I do? I sometimes literally spend hours thinking about it. I have a psych but she doesn't really get it.
What can I do to get over this? I've deleted all her nudes and our sex tapes. But don't know where to go from here. Its been 6 months and every lay I miss her more despite the incredible bullshit I went through.
I fear tremendously that I will cave in eventually. Not just for the sex though, but honestly its a big part of my fears.