My gf introduced me to the world of underground techno parties. Last night I wanted to go to one alone. I never go out alone. I'm an introvert, I have issues socializing, I'm the timid wallflower invisible to everyone out there.
But whatever, I found this party, the line up was great, I took some ecstasy with me and off I was. First 2 hours were boring as I needed the drugs to kick in (I can't really feel anything but boredom without drugs).
The it kicked in. I morphed into my weird extrovert self, where I approach people randomly and talk to them. Guys, girls, doesn't matter. Built some momentum and I had a few groups of "friends" to bounce around. Met these 2 girls who were really fun, they were part of a bigger group of friends so I joined them. Ended up making out with one for a bit.
Then my needy depressed self kicked in. I wanted sex. I wanted to be desired. I started cold approaching girls I found hot and telling them I was attracted to them. I do not have to describe the look on their face.
Then I started being nice to people. I would basically try to help anyone that needed something. Girl that looked sick on the floor? I'd go buy and bring her a bottle of water and keep her company. Weird dude looking like he's not having a good time? I'd say hi and chat a bit, hoping to lift his spirits. Anyone who looked like they were in need, I'd approach them and try to fulfill that need. Just to feel helpful. To feel validated. At one point, I was just picking up glass bottles of the floor and putting them in trash so people wouldn't slip and get hurt. I mean picture that shit.
It went like that for a while, until I was so stuck in my head and repulsed by what I was seeing that I had to leave.
Everything I do is to be validated by other people. Everything. I can't exist without knowing other people enjoy me. And obviously, as I'm a taker, nobody enjoys me. My life is boring, I have no character, I'm a weak child struggling for attention. It's pathetic. The person I've become disgusts me.
I thought I had internalized red pills principles, but really I'm just this weird abomination of a construct, trying to appear red pill to feed my blue pill needs.