While I have gotten rid of most of the symptoms that the TRP virus has brought me, one thing that I still need to work on is my self-image. One thing that still gets to me is how a woman could be attracted to my ass.
I've had girls take an interest in me, and thinking back on it, I just can't help but wonder what they saw in me that was hot or sexy. I'm 5' 7", 148 lbs, glasses, and I'm a stutterer.
When I was younger, I was weak as fuck. I got picked on because I was too much of a pussy to maul the fuck out of my bully and establish myself as a person who's not to be fucked with. All of that still bugs me to this day. But yet I still had a few girls take an interest in me.
I was very confused by this because contrary to what TRP says men grew up believing, I actually grew up being taught that women love the guys who display that sort of hard masculine energy, and I do come from a culture that greatly values hyper-masculinity.
One masculine trait that I can say I'm grateful for is my naturally muscular physique. I didn't really have to work out to look the way I do. Puberty just ran its course. I inherited it from my pops, who wasn't in my life.
But I'm just fucking repulsed at how my personality is configured. I'm very sensitive and empathetic. I'm very sensitive to other people's emotions. Fuck, I literally don't want to kill bugs, because I feel like they're probably terrified and want to live just like me. I'll just let them live most of the time. I'll kill mosquitoes though. I really hate mosquitoes. I was trying to hold myself back from crying because I saw a dead cat that I once saw alive.
I just hate those aspects about myself, and I just wonder why a woman would be attracted to those things in a man.
Wouldn't she be lustful towards a man with a more masculine mentality? Why is she attracted to me? Why would she be willing to have a plate of chocolate cake instead of a thick juicy steak? I know health-wise, steak isn't all that much better but it's better for you than cake is haha.
This mentality that I have is one that I'm trying to do away with. This is one that TRP actually just reinforced even more, with them saying that women do not like sweet sensitive guys. They obviously do, and I'm still trying to understand that and not be baffled. I'm still learning to be cool with who I am, because it's going to be difficult trying to deviate totally from your natural temperament.
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