I recently had a life event that tested me in ways I never again want to be tested. I feel betrayed. I feel like God is either not listening or he doesn't care.

Throughout college and grad school I remained active in my church. I played sports, was active in clubs, lifted 3 days a week, and played local music gigs as a side hustle, which turned into about half my income. I pursued relationships with several girls who all turned out to not take their faith seriously, or had seriously questionable pasts that made me regret getting involved with them at all. I got to the end of 20's single and jaded. Women no longer have morals, cannot cook, and are obsessed only with their own gratification. Even the most rudimentary attributes of a Godly woman are missing. The only girl I dated in all that time who even pretended to take her faith seriously was Jewish. Why did I date a Jewish girl? The loneliness was overwhelming, I felt alone in my faith, my christian friends were all screwing their girlfriends and smoking weed in the basement. But I broke up with her to move to my new job. There was no future, how could we raise children together?

I finished my PhD last year around this time, and quickly got a job at a top research lab in my field. Excellent pay, excellent promotion potential. Ideal job description. 6 months into my job, I'm involved in a contamination event in which failing infrastructure exposed me and my team to contaminants. I spent the next week contemplating my mortality and wondering if I would die. I spent the next 8 months waiting on the bioassays to see if I would ever have children. My priorities changed drastically. I think my personality changed drastically as well. I started looking for jobs closer to my friends and family. The assays returned mostly clean, but I can't shake my feelings of betrayal. The job hunt is going poorly, I've priced myself out of the market. Overqualified for entry level jobs, no experience in industry for management positions. All I've ever wanted was a stable job, a wife, and kids. And despite all of my best efforts, I may have none of it. Everything has gone wrong, and everything I've been told has been a lie. If you're considering a PhD, run the other direction, it will do nothing for you.

Everything in life is random chance. You can do everything right and still fail. You can cry out to God for a decade and the answer can be cold silence. You can live a life of dedication and discipline, and in return receive uncertainty and failure. You can be as excellent as you can possibly manage, and it means nothing.

Having done everything to stand, I'm down on my last leg.