CorporateLand: How to Live and Travel Like a Prince and Live Like a Maharajah, Part I

Note: Some folks got butthurt about the title of this one. It's simply a "beginner's guide" to making business travel as tolerable as possible and leveraging that business travel to improve personal travel. It's not "humblebragging" because, rest assured, I am not humble.

TL;DR

Travel veteran explains how to use your business travel to maximize your lifestyle, whether at work or at play. I will assume little or no travel experience throughout, so experienced folks may find this article a bit simple.

This sort of article may be of interest to some, but not others, because of it's more focused nature. If it helps you, great. If not, there are other threads.

Fair Warning: This is going to be a long post. For real.

Body

I live on one coast and am frequently required to travel to the other coast {and sometimes Europe} at the behest of my employer. I’ve logged over a million miles in the air, which, while it doesn’t qualify me as a true road warrior anymore, I have learned a lot about making my life easier while up in the air and in strange beds. Here’s a handy primer for you.

Note: this is an introduction, in which I will hit on some points that will require further study, depending on one’s particular needs. There are entire travel IBBs dedicated to these subject and it wouldn’t hurt to bone up on them there: Flyertalk, TripAdvisor, Oyster, etc.

Getting There: Planes, Trains & Automobiles

Up In The Air

I have a rule these days: either I’m in business, or I’m not going. Why? Because I like comfort, I like pre-boarding, and I especially like their free booze. I also have zero interest in sitting in steerage. Coach class seats were designed by Tomás de Torquemada Grand Inquisitor of Spain. And you don’t want me there, either, if you have the misfortune of sitting in an adjacent seat. From the time I was 14 years old, my shoulders have been broader than a coach seat, so I either lean out into the aisle or my shoulder goes into the ear of the sad-faced, unlucky person sitting next to me.

So how to set about it? If you are going to be traveling regularly, you may have a corporate travel department that makes arrangements for you. If so, you have my condolences, because they don’t give a shit about your care and comfort. If you’re lucky, they care about getting you to where you’re going, when you get there, how many connections you have or where you sit – and believe me, the only reason to sit in the last row of an aircraft is because you have diarrhea or you want to meet people who do. I have only worked at one place that insisted that I use their provider. I would choose my bookings and tell them to book them. They wouldn’t listen of course, but happily they were sloppy, so once I had demonstrated that I could find better routings at lower cost, I was exempted entirely. More freedom, more comfort, all is right in the world.

Companies will often have rules about when you can fly business, otherwise, it’s cattle class. Where I work it used to be coach only, until one of the poobahs had to fly a lot of transcons and suddenly if you were in the air for 4 hours you could fly business. I used to defeat this by booking a Y class {the most expensive coach fare} and then buying an upgrade {often for not very much} or use miles, and voila!, I’m in business, figuratively and literally. I’d make sure it was papered up, meaning I could produce a receipt for coach class, and then the expense gnomes could go back to sleep in their 9-to-5 coffins.

Air travel isn’t as regal as the old days, unless you are on Singapore, Cathay, Emirates, Eithad or, lately, Turkish {or so I hear}, but there are reasons for grouping your travel under the aegis of an Alliance. 1 Which one you pick is entirely dependent on what your destinations, both domestic and foreign, will be. If it’s Atlanta, Paris and New York, welcome to Skyteam. Berlin, Chicago and Singapore? Hello, Star Alliance. London & New York? Congrats, you can pick just about anyone.

There are a few wrinkles. For example, I met a Brit once on KLM and thought it odd that he was on KLM, as he lived in England, but as it turns out KLM has a city hopper flight from AMS to somewhere midlands-sounding {Norwich?} that drops him into an airport 15 minutes from his house. So all of his trips to the States are on Skyteam airlines. Go figure.

I am something of a Skyteam hostage because my transcons for work are best made on Delta, in terms of convenience and usually price. Most of my foreign travel is to Europe, so I try to route through either AMS or – and this surprises people – Moscow. Skyteam’s other Western European hub, CDG in Paris is a bit of a clusterfuck. It’s badly designed and it’s run by the French. It’s also considered to be a bit of a black hole for checked bags. Much better to use Amsterdam, home of the friendly, efficient, America-loving {or at least willing to fake it}, and perfectly-willing-to-speak-English Dutch. London is more of a destination for me, so I fly either DL or Virgin – Virgin’s “Clubhouses” are always a delight.

So why do I use Moscow and a connecting airport? Delta formerly flew there non-stop, but now it’s Aeroflot. Aeroflot’s pricing is typically favorable, and I can flirt with the stewardesses in Russian. The food and accommodation is comparable to a big western airline, and it’s a 9-10 hour flight, which means I can have dinner, watch a movie and get 6 hours of sleep, which is basically all I need. Even better, when I bounce back into Europe from SVO, it’s on a plane with a proper business class, rather than just a coach configuration with the middle seat blocked out.

Now that SVO has been built out, it’s a modern airport. There won’t be as many English-speakers, but if you’re jammed up usually someone will happen along. On my last transfer the GAs didn’t speak English, but I overheard a young American in line in front of me asking them for the location of the nearest toilets, so I leaned forward and answered her question in English. Also, the Russians aren’t PC at all, so I breeze through security without even opening my laptop bag, but I suspect if I looked like Osama bin Laden’s cousin things might go differently. The Russians don’t play.

1 There are three major alliances: Star Alliance {United, Lufthansa, Austrian, Scandinavian, Swiss, Singapore, Turkish plus some others}, SkyTeam {Delta, Air France, KLM, Aeroflot, Aeromexico, Alitalia {sort of}, KAL, Czech and some others), and OneWorld {American, BA, Cathay, JAL, Qantas, Qatar, and some others}. There are some notable independents - Emirates, Etihad, Virgin Atlantic, Iceland Air as well as LCCs {low coast carriers} such as Ryan Air, Jet Blue, Southwest, etc. Virgin Atlantic is 49% owned by Delta and so miles can be directed to one’s Delta account, and if memory serves, Jet Blue has some deal with Etihad, but unless you’re flying to the ME a lot or through the ME to India it’s not going to matter very much. There’s always someone trying to run an “all-business class” outfit between NYC and London and Paris, the latest of which is LaCompagnie.

Are You A Frequent Flyer? Or a Frequent Fleer?

So once you have sussed out what airlines you will be flying, it’s time to sign up for those airlines’ frequent flyer programs. The only active ones I have at the moment are Delta and United. There is a distinction to be drawn between “miles” and “qualification miles”…the latter are what’s important. They are sometimes called “BiS” miles by road warriors, which is short for “Butt in Seat”. Those are the ones that count in determining ‘status’ with an airline, and with status comes perqs. There are a few other ways to get “qualification miles”, but those are typically the result of spending exorbitant amounts on personal credit cards, or “topping up” at the end of the year.

Taking the ‘Dis’ Out of “Discomfort”

So airports are zoos now. The trick is to get enough frequent flyer swag to get to use the better-trained humans at the elite-priority-whatever counters. Generally, you have to be at least a “gold” or 2nd tier up from peons. You should really be ticketing yourself at home, preferably by printing your boarding pass to pdr, so you can email it to your admin for your expense report. I also like to carry a paper ticket in case something goes wrong, as it inevitably will – dead phone battery, no bars, whatever.

So when you check bags – and try to avoid this, because it’s a pain in the ass, now – leave them with the nice person at the elite counter, then head over to security. This is always much more of a hassle than it needs to be, but they’re really putting on floor show for Ma and Pa Kettle from Dubuque or some other gawdawful place2 The bottom line is, if some sand rat gets up and yells “Allah akbar!” it’s basically up to the dudes on the plane to make him eat their fists. Up In The Air, you’re on what cops call “YOYO” time – you’re on your own.

So a better way to handle security is to get TSA – Pre. The government already has a shit-ton of information about you, and always has…now they’re just better at organizing it. So why not put it to work for you? Basically, you fill out a form, they figure out if you’re a Wrong Guy somehow – criminal record, hang out with Sand People in Pakistan or some other shithole, etc. – then they either give it to you or not. I travel overseas and so it comes with my Global Entry, which lets me cut the line at immigration and customs and use the kiosks, so, because I don’t check bags, it takes me 15 minutes from the plane to landside, rather than being tossed about like a dinghy on a sea of third-worlders milling about like the fucktards that they are, plus the domestic dummies in the “Citizens” lane. The worst part is when there are cordoned lanes before you get to the arrival section because there’s always some idiot who has to stop and think shit over and clog things up.

TSA – Pre probably comes with SENTRI also, which is for people who go to Mexico for whatever reason, and NEXUS with is the same thing, only for Canada. My understanding is that if you are GE and you bring your GE card you can use the SENTRI lanes on land crossings with Mexico. I really only care about immigration at airports and also getting past security more quickly. The good news is, while the TSA ain’t great, it’s better than the fucking losers they had before, who were working airport security because they couldn’t hold down a job at the 7-11. Ideally, the Pre line will be way shorter and quicker, because you don’t have to take your shoes off, have your toothpaste in a plastic bag or whatever. Active duty military personnel who are in uniform can use the Pre lanes, which I’m totally fine with. If there’s a nutter on my flight, I want him to think twice.

So once you are Inside the Wire, your next move is to have enough cred to get into an airport club. While they don’t have strippers and Beef Wellington, like back in the old days, there tend to be fewer screaming children, some kind of decent free booze and some snacks, at least. Delta now lets you pay for their “premium” booze – the stuff they charge for – with miles, which is nice.

You can get in by flying business or first on an international flight, or by having the right plastic, whether it’s a club pass that you buy, or is gifted to you by the airline or because you have high enough status with one of their partner airlines or the right credit card, usually Amex Platinum or Centurion which got you into everything but Admirals Clubs, but now only works, IIRC, at Delta’s SkyClubs. Diners Club – which still exists, evidently – has a decent network of second-tier clubs, and then there is Priority Pass which is like Diners only not as good. Amex is building out its own network of clubs and the couple that I’ve been to are pretty good.

Clubs also often have the benefit of having agents who can tend to your travel needs for changes or rebookings etc., while the Great Unwashed are waiting in a long ass line at the counter. It won’t be Misty and her Pneumatic Titties anymore, but the Golden Age has come and gone.

On the positive side, there are some airports that I have been in that are little better than bus stations but which have great club rooms. Vienna used to be like that. It was either finagle a way into the club, and thus civilization, or watch the tick races on the gentleman of indeterminate origin sitting far too close to you on the outside. I went into the club and drank some Martel cognac in Charles Martel's honor.3

Another tip: Later in the year, I will have to be in Istanbul from time to time. With relatively little hassle, I was able to get Turkish Airlines to do a status match - they will match mid-tier and top-tier status from a competing alliance to their program. I don't care so much about upgrades but that mid-tier on Turkish gets me in to Star Alliance clubs that I wouldn't otherwise be able utilize. To keep it for the next two years all I have to do is fly one international trip on Turkish in the next couple of months. Or whatever. I'll knock that out by April.

In The Bullpen

Down at the gate, try to arrive 5-10 minutes early. Whatever the boarding time is, it’s going to be probably 5-10 minutes after before they board. If you are in business or have the right status, they will let you on the plane first, but try to stand to the side, because they let gimps on first and also families with kids. Then there are gate lice hanging about, because everyone thinks there’s an “exception” and everyone thinks that exception applies to them.

On board, stow your gear and relax. The serfs will be boarding after you, while you enjoy your PDB and settle in.

2 Dubuque may well be fine. I don’t know, I’ve only ever flown over it. I imagine it being really boring, with the primary source of entertainment being watching the tumbleweeds roll through town. Or maybe that’s Tucson.

3 History geeks will understand that, from a historical perspective, I should have had some Sobieski Vodka, but I’m not really a fan. Of the eponymous vodka, I mean. The Polish king for whom it is named, John III Sobieski, is okie-fine by me, based on his successful defense of Vienna against the Muslim hordes alone.

Next Part, Turning Your Hotel Into a Vacation Villa