CorporateLand: How To Turn Your Hotel Into a Vacation Villa

Part II of: How to Live and Travel Like a Prince and Live Like a Maharajah

TL;DR:

Travel veteran explains how to use your business travel to maximize your lifestyle, whether at work or at play. I will assume little or no travel experience throughout, so experienced folks may find this article a bit simple.

This sort of article may be of interest to some, but not others, because of its more focused nature. If it helps you, great. If not, there are other threads.

Note on “Humblebragging”, which popped up last time. First, I’m not humble. Second, I’m not bragging – If that’s what I wanted to do, I’d be on Instagram. I’m just helping guys in CoporateLand – and others – who wind up traveling a how to maximize the bennies. Think of it as a Red Pill “Lifestyle” thread.

Fair Warning: This is also going to be a long post, like the last one.

The Game

Your primary goal should be to make your life as seamless as possible. Conveniently, with high-end hotels, that’s their goal, too. The higher-end the hotel, or the more socialist the economy in whatever country you find yourself, the more likely that you’re going to people on staff who are in the service industry as a career and not because it’s summer, and their university is on break. If you get to know the lifers, that is going to break in your favor.

Stay in the same place in each city, or failing that, same chain of hotels.

If you find yourself visiting the same city, try and stay in the same place each time such that they get to know you and you get to know them. Also, just as airlines have frequent flyer programs, hotels have frequent guest programs. In the US, the biggest and most well-known are Starwood Preferred Guest, Marriott Rewards, Hilton HHonors, IHG Rewards Club, and Hyatt Gold Passport. The trick is to bunch your hotel stays such that you become a “top-tier” member of a particular chain’s program, which will then entitle you to perqs when you use that chains hotels for personal travel as well, which is, for me anyway, the point. So all of those road-warrior stays at Marriott Courtyards can pay off when you’re traveling on your own and want to stay at the Ritz.

I use Hyatt and SPG, and sometimes Marriot as well as Taj, which is big in India, but last I knew had only 3 hotels in the USA. I use Hyatt because it only takes 50 nights to get to the top tier. I then use the points I accumulate on business travel, for when I travel on my leisure time to places that have Park Hyatts, etc. They have nice hotels where I want to travel, and Hyatt’s program also allows a Diamond member to book a suite upgrade 4x for up to 7 nights each time. Hyatt also lets you use the “Cash & Points” option in conjunction with the suite upgrades — typically with most hotels that’s an ‘either-or’ – so instead of booking a $300 room and upgrading to a suite, you’re booking a $125 room and upgrading to a suite, which is nice for when it’s time for Fun in the Sun. Other people prefer Marriotts or Starwood. Whatevs. Marriott is nice because they own Ritz Carlton…they are also about to own Starwood. If you are really into this sort of thing, there are plenty of websites-blogs about miles and points and about how you, too, can be as savvy as the Pudding Guy

Taj for me is a special case because I like their Boston property. It’s the old Ritz and has an “old luxury in an elegant state of decay” feel to it. And a lot of the rooms have fireplaces. And it’s right on the Public Garden. I used to have a plate up in the Boston area, so I’d book a suite on special and go up in the winter months, bring some wine with me, have a nice fire, order room service, and do to her whatever I wanted to – feed her by hand while she knelt, nude, next to the table in the sitting room of the suite, While I had room service, etc. She was a very submissive girl and the Taj was the perfect atmosphere to use her in. Fire, wine, snow falling gently outside, naked hot chick at my beck and call. What could be better?

Ok, back on point. Once you know which hotel group you’re going to be utilizing the most, it’s time to learn the program and act accordingly. One of the reasons I so often get what I want from airlines and hotels is I make it easy for them to say yes to me. How? By not being a dick, and by understanding their program and what they can do for me. Thus I frequently suggest options to them, in such cases where the need arises.

How To Choose A Villa

So how to decide whether you will like a particular villa or not?

Do you like the bar? Always a good indicator. One of my absolute favorite hotels has three bars and a lounge and a restaurant (with a great breakfast!) and a pool that I absolutely love, thus, it is my Villa of choice. Every time I arrive the guest relations manager greets me and checks me in herself unless she’s not working that shift and then her deputy does. When I arrive in the room—and they know what room type I like—there will always be a plate of fresh fruit waiting for me, as well as a bottle of wine, and some miscellaneous snacks – roasted almonds and the like.

There’s another one I dig on the Côte d'Azur which has great architecture, the staff always treats me well, and they always put a nice bottle of the local grape in my room and when I have people traveling with me, in their rooms as well.

What You Need To Know On The Go.

There’s the 800 line for Joe Everyone, and then there’s the 800 line for Diamonds-Platinums-Iridiums-Krpytoniums. That number should be in your phone. You’re more likely to get to a human. And try being calm and pleasant. For whatever reason, people seem to think that SCREAMING at CSRs, threatening their jobs or whatever will get better results, this is seldom true and they may simply annotate your PNR as to what a dick you were, which isn’t going to help you in the long run. Know the program, and maneuver the CSR towards the resolution that you want. If you can’t get it, you can always say “Thanks for trying” then hanging up and calling in again. Remember what I said about Hyatt letting you use Cash & Points and suite upgrades together? I know they do, because I’ve done this several times, but sometimes I get a CSR who swears I can’t.

Lots of travel firms have Twitter “ombudsmen” for lack of a better term, so some traveler will tweet an issue to the company and evidently get it fixed right away. Delta is known for this. I still prefer talking to a human being. shrugs.

If you want something, ask for it. Higher end properties, and, increasingly, mid-range ones, will often send emails ahead of your stay asking if there’s anything they can do to make your stay more comfortable. The Woodlands, north of Houston, once famously fulfilled a couple’s goofy request for three red M&Ms and a photograph of bacon that they had put in the “special requests” box as a joke when making a reservation online. A bit funny, but when you get the pre-arrival email, if you want something, mention it. There are a couple of places I frequent where I specify extra towels and particular toiletries – the hotel stocks two brands, one of which I prefer. The GRMs both refer to my preferences as “the usual arrangements”.

Tipping

For heaven’s sake, service people are people too. I tip bellboys $5 – this is for my rollaboard and computer bag. If I have other bags, which I never do, that would increase a couple of bucks per bag. And yes “In Europe, blah-blah”. I don’t care. Someday, you’re going to need a favor. I tip housekeeping $5 per day under ordinary circumstances, more if Keith Moon visited me. Bartenders and waiters as normal.

I don’t tip desk staff except under extraordinary conditions. For example, typically I have a very high tolerance for alcohol. On one particular long haul, a young, attractive FA took a shine to me, and over-served me, as a result. Alcohol and high altitude don’t mix well.1 So by the time I arrived at my hotel I was really affected.2 So I tipped the girl at the front desk. And I had a bell man show me to my room to make sure that I got there – it was one of those huge ‘convention’ hotels that one can get lost in. So I tipped him double. He asked if there was anything I needed and I asked for bottled water – in California, they hand this out like candy. He disappeared to that floor’s supply room and returned with a case of bottled water.

At any rate, all was well that ended well, and when I checked back into that hotel three weeks later, they both remembered me fondly, or were at least willing to fake it.

1 Although if you like tomato juice, for whatever reason it opens up nicely in the air. shrugs Lufthansa did a study of what precise types of drinks they were handing out – evidently ze Germans like to know this sort of thing – and half of their non-alcoholic beverage requests were for tomato juice. When you see someone order it, plain, in the sky, that’s a hint that they know what they’re about.

2 Luckily I am a ‘happy’ drunk, and anyway, I had hit that point that one sometimes finds oneself in where one simultaneously quite drunk but extremely lucid out of necessity, such as when one is trying to recite the alphabet for a police officer. Or so I’m told.

The Doormen and Bellman.

Sure they hold the door open and they may ball hawk your bags for tips, but they are also an invaluable source of street-level intel, and if you, um, “order in”, the doormen decide if the young lady {or ladies} gets past the door. If I use a bellman, I tip $5 for my two bags. In non-US$ or Euro countries, if I don’t have local currency handy, I use crisp, new $5 bills. And they’re cool with it. Money is money.

Concierge and Miscellaneous Front Desk Staff

The Concierge is your Aide-de-Camp - Man Friday. Need assistance with dinner reservations or theatre tickets or organizing day trips? He’s your guy. Typically I don’t need to use them, but on a couple of occasions I have had them arrange transportation – other than local taxis, which is handled by the doormen. Tip commensurate with service received, but I usually tip a concierge $10 or $20, more if warranted. So once upon a time I had some friends who were stuck in the middle of the city with an impending snowstorm trying to get transportation home with no luck. They know I travel there so reached out, and I had them go to the concierge at my favorite “Villa”, who sorted them out with the tacit understanding that I would take care of him next time I saw him, which I did. I was a hero to my friends and all it cost me was $30 and a phone call.

The other front desk staff are there to greet you, competently check you in, validate your parking and break bills for you, so you can tip the other staff, and, if female, smile and look pretty. At least that’s what I use them for.

Housekeeping.

The maids, right? The ones that make your bed when you’re not there? Right. But also the “evening service” folks and if you need something laundered or pressed. Take advantage of those services and feel more comfortable. One thing I do is send off whatever clothes I wore on the long haul TATL flight to get laundered. It just feels more civilized.

Sometimes, extras materialize. In a US hotel I say in, a couple coupons turned up from housekeeping, along with a thank you note. One was for 500 points in their rewards program and the other was for a free breakfast at the little cafe place they have - like a coffee an pastry joint. Now, the $ value wasn't a big deal, but nice of them to make the gesture.

Having A Friend Is A Good Thing

So at the Taj, where they were a bit forgetful about some things, they totally redeemed themselves by helping me out with another Taj. I was a frequent enough guest that I got to know some of the staff3 and the GM sent me an “if there is ever anything I can do for you” email. Turns out, I was headed for London on leisure and staying in a Taj property there that was quite nice with a nice price also – London hotels are notoriously expensive and the bang for the buck isn’t always that great. So I pinged the GM the dates of my London travel and asked if he would be so kind as to contact the GM at the hotel there and mention that I was a frequent guest at Taj Boston, and would he extend every courtesy while I was in London. This was a huge win, as, once I arrived in London, the red carpet came rolling out. Probably the best stay I’ve ever had there. All it took was an email from the local GM that I had pretty much scripted for him.

3 Your goal here is “friendly” but not “BFF-y”.

Name Names

So what’s the best thing you can do to help yourself? Praise can be better than money. Every time I stay at a Hyatt property, I get an email from Hyatt asking about my stay. Evidently, they actually read them and share them with staff because I’ve had them quoted back to me in follow-up, thank you emails. So I have taken to writing out thoughtful responses and mentioning names. For example, I was trying, unsuccessfully to “shazam” a song at breakfast. One of the waitresses figured out what I was doing, and the next morning handed me a slip of paper with the song and artist. I mentioned it in my follow-up survey, and the next time I visited that hotel, she remembered and thanked me for it.

Folks in service industry positions who are there for the long haul are in it for a reason, an affirmation, especially when deserved, is not only pleasant for them, but useful as well.

Once at a hotel in Toronto, I arrived late at night, and there was a long hallway between the front desk and the elevators. There was a guy polishing the floor near the elevators. When he saw us coming, he leaned over and hit the “up” button to call the elevator for us. When the idea of ‘customer service’ has permeated all the way down to the guy manning the buffer on the graveyard shift you are bloody well doing it right.

What if Villa Standards Have Fallen or Some Other Issue Arises?

If there is a problem, I will always, always, always try to handle it with the local manager. Better for them, and more immediate results for me. Just like with women, maintain frame, and don’t blow your cool. So, as an example, I was once staying at a Hyatt where breakfast should have been free for me and up to three other people staying with me, in my room, such as wife, kids, or, in my case 2x22 year old girls. The restaurant staff seemed a bit confused over this. Not the girls; it’s Europe, they get it – but that they weren’t registered to my room. Why? Because in the US, nobody would have bothered about it, but in Europe, they actually have to be registered as guests.4 So I smoothed that over with the GM, no problems. Technically, I was wrong, but it was really more of a difference between how things are done in the US vs in Europe and once I registered them, order was restored. Last time I was there she made some joke about the number and identity of women who might be staying with me at any time – which was ok based on the nature of our relationship – and I said something along the lines of “It depends on who is in town this week, and what their curfews are.” And we laughed about it.

If there is a problem with a room, or you just don’t like it for some reason. Ask for a different or better one. My last stay in California, I arrived late and there was some sort of group party with a shitty band that was so loud I could hear it 14 stories up. So I rang the front desk and asked to be moved across the hall to the other side of the hotel, et voila! problem solved.

OTOH, I know a guy who arrived late after a delayed flight and went to his hotel – this was in Philadelphia in the winter. The first room was a broom closet, the second smelled like someone’s grandma had just died in it and the third room had some weird temperature thing – freezing cold in one area, boiling hot in another, that’s how he described it. So finally, after three disasters, a room finally opened up on the club floor. This is Philadelphia, in the winter, after midnight. Who were they possibly saving it for? This also shows why you want to be in a program. He wasn’t, but I expect that even if he was just mid-tier there, that would have greased him through on the upgrade with much less fuss.

4 I had actually booked a room via the 800 line and the conversation got hung up on me asking for a king bed for 3 people and her asking me if I needed a cot and me saying “no, no cot.” Eventually, I said “Look, I have a ‘Vicky Cristina Barcelona’ thing going on. No cot,” and her sort of getting it, but when I arrived, the # of guests on the reservation was 1, me.

Cars

Let us have a moment of silence for company cars. Like the apocryphal “key to the executive wash room”, they just so rarely exist anymore. I don’t think I’ve even had a car allowance in ten years. These things exist only as “sense memories” now of a better, distant time. Sort of how Democrats feel about the 60s and Republicans feel about the 80s, and how Detroit residents feel about the 50s. If I was sitting around a table with older guys we’d all fondly reminisce about the boss who got us our first car, even if he was otherwise a prick.

That said, there are three ways cars factor into life in CorporateLand now: rentals, town cars and Uber. For Rentals, pick out a firm you like – I prefer Hertz – and get into their “#1 Gold” program or whatever Avis has, etc. It’s easy to do, and you get better service and newer, lower mileage cars. In places where I rent frequently, it’s nice to skip the line – we’re going for seamless here people – and get rolling.

With town cars, if you’re company lets you take town cars to the airport, fucking do it. Does anything suck more than being stuck on the Van Wyck when it’s Hotter Than the Inside of the Sun in July? Let someone else drive.

Sure, if it’s a short trip, fuck it, take your car if you want, but why? Better to ride in the air conditioned comfort of a town car. Chat with the driver if you want, or chill out listening to Spotify – Rhapsody’s sexy, Swedish cousin.

If I’m stepping off of a redeye, you’d better fucking believe there’s a driver waiting for me, with a polished Lincoln or Caddy that still has that “new car” smell, just like an 18 year old still has that “new girlfriend” smell. Intoxicating, but might make you a little queasy.

Pro Tip #1: Gratuity will be included, but an extra $10 is fine, if warranted. Not necessary, but always appreciated.

Pro Tip #2: Limo companies often have “rewards” programs, such as “free airport transfer with every 10 rides”. So I when I get to the free ride, I use it for personal travel.

Pro Tip #3: Specify “inside” pickup, rather than “curbside”. It might be a few beans extra for the guy to meet you at baggage claim, but $10 is worth it to have him handle your luggage, and getting off of a long haul flight and then wandering around outside Terminal 1 at JFK looking for your driver in January sux. It typically costs $10 more for the guy to meet you inside. If you can’t find the guy, look near baggage claim, b/c that’s where he’s going to expect you. Ex. In JFK T4 there’s an exit for people who don’t have baggage to claim that’s closer to the West Exit. When I can’t find my driver, there, I know he’s over on the other side near baggage claim.

Pro Tip #4: As with hotels, you can specify things as you want them. Want the local paper instead of the New York Times? Not a problem. I specify temperature of the car. Limo companies clientele evidently trends older, so if you don’t want the car’s temperature set to “medium well” specify in the “Requests” section when making your reservation. I tell them I want the car between 66 and 68 degrees. Drivers are usually men, so they’re fine with it.

Pro Tip #5: Be ready when the guy gets there, if he’s picking you up for an airport run. They usually show up 15 min early. I hand over my bag, tip the guy in advance, do one last eyeball check of the house to see that electronics and appliances are shut down etc., and we’re underway 5-10 minutes after the guy arrives. They like leaving on time and you should too. If you delay them, after an interval, usually 30 minutes, you start to pay for the privilege.

Pro Tip #6: Leave Time For Trouble. I usually take all of Thanksgiving week off, starting with the Friday before. If for some gawdawful reason you have to travel on the Tuesday or Wednesday before T-Day, leave a shit ton of extra time. The last time I flew on one of those days, I gave myself 5 hours, meaning I left my house 5 hours before my flight. The ride to the airport took more than double the usual time, but I was chilling in the airport club an hour before takeoff, stress free, because of the LTT rule.

Uber. Uber got around to setting up some way of getting your expenses directly into Concur, which is a popular expense software. I had already set up my corporate card as a payment option, so I just email the receipt to my admin. Uber has lost its initial “wow” factor now that everyone knows what it is, but back when it was new, I was out to dinner with a sales rep and a HUGE, IMPORTANT client – like tens of millions a year in revenue – and just as dinner ended it started to rain. Good fucking luck getting a taxing in NYC in the rain. Enter Uber. I think the multiple was 3.0, but given the client revenue the firm was 100% ok with it, and the client was amazed – as Arthur C. Clarke once said, any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Conclusions

Plan out your strategy so that you can reap the benefits of ongoing relationships and rewards programs.

Play nice with others.

If you’re going to be away from home on a secret mission deep in enemy territory, you might as well be living comfortably.