[FR] Ended LTR, boundaries and AWALT

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August 29, 2015
17 upvotes

Summary: Why is that HB8 unicorn still single? Start dating her and you'll find out.

I recently ended my LTR of over 3 years due to her completely inappropriate and unhealthy relationship with her "best friend."

When we first got together she introduced me to her Beta Orbiter who I'll affectionately refer to as BO because everything about this guy stinks. BO is your typical orbiter: He's desperately in love with her. She is his perfect princess and can do no wrong in his eyes, so he tirelessly validates her. He's very needy and calls and texts frequently. They have long phone conversations - she spends far more time on the phone with him than she ever has with me - and they share "I love yous" and other cutesy bullshit that really isn't appropriate when you're in a committed, long term relationship with another man.

I've tolerated BO's presence in her life. I have friends of the opposite sex that I don't fuck, so I get it. She insists they've never been physically intimate and I believe her; I've seen texts from him lamenting the fact that they never got together (it was apparently on the table for a brief moment several years before I met her, but he fucked it up and she noped out).

Unfortunately, BO has been single for awhile now and has dramatically ramped up his involvement with her. He drops by unannounced and LTR drops everything to hang with him because he's lonely and she feels sorry for him. He gets fucked up on pills and coke and weed and whatever else he's on this week and passes out on her couch for the night. She tried to invite him on a date with us earlier this year, informing me when I picked her up, "Oh, BO is going to come, too." I put my foot down, told her absolutely not and she moped about it all night.

I've expressed my concerns about this guy and the need for her to set boundaries. She responded by sneaking around with him, scheduling hang outs when she knew I wouldn't be around and, I suspect, coaching him to lie about it. I discovered they'd spent a bunch of time together behind my back while I was out of town on business, so I asked him about his weekend and he flat out lied, claiming he hadn't seen her.

So I had to peace out. I know I can replace her with a younger, hotter model and I'm going to. Turns out I'm the third or forth boyfriend in a row to nope out on this girl over BO. I hope she wakes up some day and realizes she's throwing away perfectly good men in order to have a weird, sketchy romance with him. She's a great girl otherwise. If she can let go of this dead weight, I'm sure she will make someone very happy. Too bad that someone isn't me; I have options and I'm exercising them.

On Boundaries

A man absolutely has to set boundaries. Sometimes we don't know where our boundaries lie until something happens that makes us uncomfortable. Often, we fail to set and enforce boundaries, telling ourselves "This isn't that big of a deal", "I don't want to cause any drama", or "I can learn to deal with this." This creates a toxic feedback loop where your partner continues the behavior, either because she knows she can get away with it or legitimately doesn't see a problem and doesn't know it's bothering you. Meanwhile, you waste time and emotional energy agonizing over the issue. No good can come of this and your relationship will suffer. You have to be up front in identifying these issues, setting boundaries, communicating those boundaries clearly and enforcing them.

If you fail to do this, in time your partner will cross more and more boundaries. People, women especially, like to see what they can get away with. A woman will push and push, constantly probing your limits for weaknesses while testing your ability (or lack thereof) to contain her. If you set boundaries and your partner crosses them, you need to take action. This split was painful and emotional for both of us, but a man has to stand up for himself.

This is the first time I've had to deal with a woman's orbiter. I married my high school sweetheart after graduation and stayed with her until my early thirties, so I didn't have the opportunity to experience these things in my twenties. Now that I've been through this, I can definitely say that women with orbiters are off the fucking table for a relationship. I'm not interested in sharing my LTR with another man and furthermore, it takes a particular kind of cruelty to string some poor sucker along like this. This is not a quality I'm looking for in a potential life partner.

AWALT

A buddy of mine works with this HB7-8 cutie. I met her once and she seemed cool. She's in a relationship, but he tells me she has several hot friends who are single and offered to set something up. So he texted her, "Hey, do you know anyone who wants to date 1IM?"

Her response? "Yeah. Me!!!"

My first thought: Fuck yeah! I know I'm a catch, but to see it played out and confirmed like that, god damn that feels good.

My second thought: Jesus, these hoes ain't loyal. Imagine finding that shit on your girl's phone. AWALT.


Post Information
Title [FR] Ended LTR, boundaries and AWALT
Author 1independentmale
Upvotes 17
Comments 30
Date 29 August 2015 06:46 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit TheRedPill
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/35958
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3ive5k/fr_ended_ltr_boundaries_and_awalt/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
betaAWALTorbiterdramalong term relationshipunicornthe red pill
Comments

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

BO. That's a good one.

Turns out I'm the third or forth boyfriend in a row to nope out on this girl.

Look at this way, it was just your turn with this girl. Hopefully you enjoyed the ride.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't know why people are downvoting this, perfectly adequate FR and a good lesson, probably people sour about you not pedestalizing a woman and putting up with her bullshit, after all you need to put up with her bullshit to get laid hurr durr.

My only advice on this would be, you should have done this sooner, don't bother trying to fix the hoe, there's always plenty of better options, by choosing to commit you lose out on that, you as a man have the choice as when and when not to commit anything that is against what you would want from a relationship, i.e her third wheel, you can simply leave.

[–]pdtrading[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sorry you gotta go through this man. I had this similar problem, and went through hell with my ex, and still now that we broke up I am. Thanks to alot of rp'rs I am growing.

I think you did the perfect thing. You ditch her ass, set your boundaries and let her live her life with betabuckorbiterfagnut. You set your boundaries, and move forward. Unfortunately, I don't understand the premise of why some of these guys are saying "you failed a shyt test. It wasn't Alpha. etc."

This wasn't a shyt test. There is only one effective way to disarm a shit test. Its setting your boundaries, being true to what you want, and not giving a damn. Being outcome independent. My question is this to the Alpha guys, because Im trying to become one from a serious awakening. Why would you be in a "LTR" (which should serve to meet your sexual needs and overall help you grow, even when AWALT), if the girl is willing to play shyt games like this and test your honor. It doesn't mean that you weren't an Alpha and she felt that she can do this. It just means the girl is retarded as fuck, and gave up a great, quality man. Same as my ex. Let her hamster mind and betabuck buddy deal with it. They can even get married, and she will be bored.

You did the right thing. And you have much more experience then me, but I have to say I learned from your lesson, and wish I went back in time and did this. As a matter of fact, if I followed your example, my 6 month relationship would of ended by the 2nd week. These aren't quality woman, and in this generation no woman really is. But even then, you would want one that is preferably better then the rest.

Your gonna be A'ok OP. (._.)b

[–]Senior ContributorSkorchZang1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't want to cause any drama, but Lying Bitches Gotta Go.

[–]juliusstreicher0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

BTW, I read that you peaced out-does that mean that u broke up with her? Im getting mixed signals from your subsequent posts. You didn't say how she handled it. You're making me suspicious...

If u did, what was her response, and, then, what was yours? (I live for this shit!)

[–]1independentmale[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes, I broke up with her. I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her but this behavior was a deal breaker for me. She wanted to talk and try to work it out, so we had some conversations over a few days but ultimately I had to walk away. She sees nothing wrong with her behavior and our conversations were not productive.

[–]Nieben1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Acknowledging that you had already gone through a marriage, this must have been significantly easier for you to muster the self respect and drop her, eh?

That must have taken some immense emotional strength, regardless, I'd assume. Good on you, man.

Sometimes I can't help but feel as though we're just puppets being led on by some supernatural force, whispering sweet nothings, driving us to eternally search for the fantasy in vain. Makes me want to transcend reality to stick it to the intangible 'man', if you will. Say, "fuck you and your twisted games".

Rant over.

[–]1independentmale[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not sure if it was any easier, to be honest. Well, okay, from the standpoint that I didn't have to lose half my shit, yes it was far easier. Emotionally it still took every bit of strength I had and then some.

This one hit the feels much harder. I had completely given up on ever having a healthy relationship with my crazy ex wife but this girl was different. She could have fixed this. Hell, she still could... but she won't. And that's okay.

I am a serial monogamist. I don't know if spinning plates will ever be my thing. I much prefer the bond that forms when two people are in love with one another. However, now that I'm single, I'm going to date around until I find someone who fits me like a glove. So I'll give this plate thing a try, maybe upgrade the best to LTR status some day. For now I need time to get over this girl so I'll do me, work some more and make some more money.

Sometimes I can't help but feel as though we're just puppets being led on by some supernatural force

I hear ya. I've had that same feeling myself on occasion.

[–]Rokig-1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy

By expressing your concerns about him, you acted like he was a threat to you, showing her you are not as alpha as thought (if this fucking orbiter can take away your woman, then you're not on top). You were scared this dude would take her off your hands, which reduced her attraction to you and made her want to sneak around. Koodos for the break, but learn from that shit test next time.

[–]1independentmale[S] 7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy

You were scared this dude would take her off your hands

Nope. They've been friends almost 20 years, if he were capable of bedding her it would have happened by now. The issue for me isn't fear of losing her - I can get other girls - but rather irritation with his presence and her refusal to set boundaries.

Yours is the second response claiming a failed shit test. Would you be willing to elaborate on that and provide some feedback, maybe explain how you would have handled it?

I absolutely considered employing dread by giving her a taste of her own medicine, reducing time with her in favor of other women, but I felt that would be hypocritical and childish. I can't impress upon her the inappropriateness of her actions and how disrespectful it is to our relationship if I'm out pulling the same shit. I'd rather have an adult relationship where two people can talk to one another and compromise. Maybe that's just not possible with women anymore...

[–]1RedPillJax9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm agreeing with you, OP. This wasn't a shit-test, this was a low-value woman showing her true colors by being shady.

No matter the circumstance, a man has no need to put any work into a woman who isn't worth it. I'm glad you had this experience before kids or any other kind of bullshit tied you deeper into it.

I hope you hold strong on this and move on to the greener pastures that are definitely ahead for you, if you want them.

[–]1independentmale[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man, I appreciate it.

[–]Gawernator1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. In your case and for most guys, why deal with overgaming BS and acting childish when you can set a firm boundary and next her if she won't behave like an adult. I'm dealing with this myself right now

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[–]Lord_Cutler_Beckett10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

I disagree. Fuck dealing with this random bullshit and lies.

[–]khalid07167 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy

How would you suggest he deal with it then? Because I genuinely believe leaving her was the right decision.

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[–]1RedPillJax5 points6 points  (8 children) | Copy

Yeah... no. If he was legitimately just an awkward friend of hers, that's one thing.

If a girl is keeping a guy solely around for validation as shown here, coupled with lying and acting shady about it - you leave, full stop.

Why do you want to be with someone who's going to lie to you about a guy who is clearly sketchy, tries to insert himself in your relationship, and undermine you at every turn when there's a hot young broad who will happily keep your balls drained without all the headache around the corner - provided you've done the work to keep your SMV up?

This is the core of abundance mentality. One woman's shit isn't worth putting up with more than any others, because there are half of the 7 billion other people out there with vaginas, out of which easily 1 billion are a suitable replacement, if not upgrade?

TRP is about doing what you want and what makes you happy. If a woman is undercutting that with shitty behaviour, revert to step 1 and do what makes you happy - without her.

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[–]juliusstreicher1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your math is all wrong in this equation.0P is jealous of his ROI in this relationship. He wasn't the crying bitch you're trying to make him out to be. Also, this shit was happening within the context of a LTR. One doesn't say 'Do what you want' in a LTR. Your advice is good for plates.

Also,u quoted him as saying that he 'was jealous'. I didn't find that, so, you need to pay more attention before giving advice, or you'll end up being wrong, as in this case.



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