Summary: Why is that HB8 unicorn still single? Start dating her and you'll find out.
I recently ended my LTR of over 3 years due to her completely inappropriate and unhealthy relationship with her "best friend."
When we first got together she introduced me to her Beta Orbiter who I'll affectionately refer to as BO because everything about this guy stinks. BO is your typical orbiter: He's desperately in love with her. She is his perfect princess and can do no wrong in his eyes, so he tirelessly validates her. He's very needy and calls and texts frequently. They have long phone conversations - she spends far more time on the phone with him than she ever has with me - and they share "I love yous" and other cutesy bullshit that really isn't appropriate when you're in a committed, long term relationship with another man.
I've tolerated BO's presence in her life. I have friends of the opposite sex that I don't fuck, so I get it. She insists they've never been physically intimate and I believe her; I've seen texts from him lamenting the fact that they never got together (it was apparently on the table for a brief moment several years before I met her, but he fucked it up and she noped out).
Unfortunately, BO has been single for awhile now and has dramatically ramped up his involvement with her. He drops by unannounced and LTR drops everything to hang with him because he's lonely and she feels sorry for him. He gets fucked up on pills and coke and weed and whatever else he's on this week and passes out on her couch for the night. She tried to invite him on a date with us earlier this year, informing me when I picked her up, "Oh, BO is going to come, too." I put my foot down, told her absolutely not and she moped about it all night.
I've expressed my concerns about this guy and the need for her to set boundaries. She responded by sneaking around with him, scheduling hang outs when she knew I wouldn't be around and, I suspect, coaching him to lie about it. I discovered they'd spent a bunch of time together behind my back while I was out of town on business, so I asked him about his weekend and he flat out lied, claiming he hadn't seen her.
So I had to peace out. I know I can replace her with a younger, hotter model and I'm going to. Turns out I'm the third or forth boyfriend in a row to nope out on this girl over BO. I hope she wakes up some day and realizes she's throwing away perfectly good men in order to have a weird, sketchy romance with him. She's a great girl otherwise. If she can let go of this dead weight, I'm sure she will make someone very happy. Too bad that someone isn't me; I have options and I'm exercising them.
A man absolutely has to set boundaries. Sometimes we don't know where our boundaries lie until something happens that makes us uncomfortable. Often, we fail to set and enforce boundaries, telling ourselves "This isn't that big of a deal", "I don't want to cause any drama", or "I can learn to deal with this." This creates a toxic feedback loop where your partner continues the behavior, either because she knows she can get away with it or legitimately doesn't see a problem and doesn't know it's bothering you. Meanwhile, you waste time and emotional energy agonizing over the issue. No good can come of this and your relationship will suffer. You have to be up front in identifying these issues, setting boundaries, communicating those boundaries clearly and enforcing them.
If you fail to do this, in time your partner will cross more and more boundaries. People, women especially, like to see what they can get away with. A woman will push and push, constantly probing your limits for weaknesses while testing your ability (or lack thereof) to contain her. If you set boundaries and your partner crosses them, you need to take action. This split was painful and emotional for both of us, but a man has to stand up for himself.
This is the first time I've had to deal with a woman's orbiter. I married my high school sweetheart after graduation and stayed with her until my early thirties, so I didn't have the opportunity to experience these things in my twenties. Now that I've been through this, I can definitely say that women with orbiters are off the fucking table for a relationship. I'm not interested in sharing my LTR with another man and furthermore, it takes a particular kind of cruelty to string some poor sucker along like this. This is not a quality I'm looking for in a potential life partner.
A buddy of mine works with this HB7-8 cutie. I met her once and she seemed cool. She's in a relationship, but he tells me she has several hot friends who are single and offered to set something up. So he texted her, "Hey, do you know anyone who wants to date 1IM?"
Her response? "Yeah. Me!!!"
My first thought: Fuck yeah! I know I'm a catch, but to see it played out and confirmed like that, god damn that feels good.
My second thought: Jesus, these hoes ain't loyal. Imagine finding that shit on your girl's phone. AWALT.