Is this commonly heard proposition/trope real? Or does it disguise yet more gaslighting?
The value of this being treated as true: it prevents us from getting stuck being forever girlfriends and/or continuing to persevere with low effort men, hoping that if we just put in enough work he'll catch on and reciprocate. If he knows that we're "The One" that quickly, we should be able to observe him acting on that knowledge and see him continuing to treat us exquisitely while working toward earning the right to propose, and any man not behaving in such a manner can be safely ditched. (Side note: FDS is rightfully skeptical of "The One" mythology. There are any number of people with whom we could be compatible, so in this post, read "The One" as shorthand for "The One He's Going to Marry And Cherish for A Lifetime.")
How this proposition/trope benefits men: he can justify low effort behavior and years of stringing women along by citing this mysterious thunderbolt from heaven bone-deep certainty that is supposed to strike him when he sees Her. Ms. Marriage Material. I mean, why would anyone expect him to put in years of care and effort toward someone who's not The One? He's justified in his own mind to use anyone who didn't trigger the thunderbolt as a bangmaid while constantly scanning his environment for the Dream Girl. Also smacks of misogyny as consumerism. Most of what you're seeing with the Love At First Sight stuff is pure physical appearance (aka men are irredeemably shallow), and the first day/week/month together is the chemical brainhigh honeymoon. How can they "know" she's the one if they've never walked through hardship or suffering together? It feels like we're being judged on our conventional physical attractiveness and/or how we make them feel in the flush of "new p*ssy" excitement and its consequent status upgrade, not on the facets of our personality or the depths of our soul (which is how I would like to complement my man, although frankly at this point I'm not holding my breath that any of these yeehaws could get on my level).
Why I'm considering calling bullsh*t but willing to hear other perspectives: how can women and men have such fundamentally different means of recognizing a high value partner? Why should it take us months and even years to vet while they seem to mysteriously have some True Love Microchip that pings when he sees her across a crowded floor? I'm mindful of the page in the Handbook that describes exactly this scenario with multiple celebrity couples, and again, I'm willing to hear/learn more about why this happens to men but we can't rely/expect it will happen to us. We don't get to Instantly Know He's the One across a crowded room--most of us who've tried it have been assaulted, financially compromised, dumped, divorced, baby-trapped, etc.
My feeling is that a HVM would have the self-preservation and emotional maturity to realize it takes time to get to know someone at a depth that would allow for a truly reciprocal partnership to be built. I know this scenario is also pointed toward in the Handbook--that HVM don't lovebomb but actually vet us as we vet them. But the "he knows early on" idea seems to stick and outweigh that. We don't hear stories about men saying, "as soon as I saw her across the room, I knew I had to carefully get to know her emotional depths, flaws, weaknesses, gifts, and strengths so together we could discover whether we could build a life together."
Beautiful/sexy/exciting does not make "The One," and I'm making the case that nothing that can be observed in the the first conversation/date/week/month can reveal "The One" either. That is the entire premise of FDS, in fact--you absolutely cannot take him at face value, you must vet for months and even years. Is it because men don't have the same vulnerabilities that we do that they get this additional privilege of quick and certain knowledge? Or is it simply more sexist propaganda to continue to reinforce our inadequacy if we don't induce the thunderbolt? Feels like another double standard to me.
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