659,329 posts

Haunted by your Past: Self-Sabotage and the Fear of Success

by CrackityDiggity | March 10, 2016 | TheRedPill


Reddit View

TLDR: Just because you made gains in life, doesn't mean you'll make gains in confidence. Keep acting like the loser you always were and you'll keep being treated like it. You are your own worst enemy - don't let yesterday's failures dictate tomorrow's choices. Break free of your comfort zone.

Along your journey down the path of self-improvement, you may find that a small part of you yearns for the past, painful though it was. But why would you want to re-live those hurtful rejections? Why would you want to experience again what it was like to be her BP beta, friend-zoned shoulder to cry on while she fucked Chad and got played?

It's not uncommon for prisoners who've spent most of their lives behind bars to crave returning to their cells, counter-intuitive though it may seem. Maybe it stems from a desire to return to familiar, or perhaps it comes from a compulsion to re-live the traumas and pains of the past such that we can finally reconcile them.

Take also the case of the hot girl with daddy issues. I'm sure most of you who have been around the block have encountered a girl like this. Her father was a cad - he abused mom and abandoned them both. Girls like this often find themselves drawn to the same emotional characteristics of her father. Deep down, part of them wishes to find a mate who is likely to abuse or abandon her, just like daddy did. Maybe then, her hamster figures, she can finally fix what went wrong all those years ago and heal the emotional pain from her father's rejection of her. Of course, we all know, that's not what happens; instead, she re-lives her past trauma again and again, until it becomes a pattern so familiar that - painful though it may be - it becomes her new comfort zone, and difficult to get out of.

Momentum and inertia are powerful forces when it comes to human motivation and behavior. Like the saying goes, you make the habits and the habits make you. As we repeat a behavior over and over, the neurological mechanisms involved find their pathways strengthened and reinforced. It's why addictions are so hard to break, but conversely, it's also why once we adopt a habit like lifting and perform it for long enough, it no longer requires nearly as much discipline to perform. Work hard for long enough, and eventually it won't feel like hard work - it will just be what you do.

You can probably see where I'm going with this already. If you're like me, you didn't have much luck with women growing up. But when you swallowed the red pill, you made a solid commitment to improve your life by any means necessary and (hopefully) you've been putting in the hard work ever since.

The thing about changing yourself is, very often you're the last person to see it. This can go both ways. Take the case of a bumbling alcoholic who drinks himself into a blackout on a regular basis. By the time he realizes what a problem he has, he's usually the last to know. Everyone around him has already figured it out.

But the same goes with improvements. A frequent complaint of fat guys who have lost a lost of weight, or skinny guys who have built a lot of muscle, is that no matter how much they improve their fitness and physique, they still feel like the person they always were. And so they're never big enough; never lean enough. But if they just keep improving, just a little more, maybe then they'll finally have a body they can be proud of.

The reality is, this is the kind of thinking that leads to steroid abuse, to eating disorders, and to body dysmorphic disorder. Obviously you want to lift, eat healthy, and hone your physique, but you don't want to get caught in the trap of investing your ego into succeeding at achieving an impossible standard of aesthetic perfection that will always be just out of reach.

But let's bring the discussion back to women, because I think that's the most important part of this discussion. These are the kinds of behaviors I see the most:

  • Assuming rejection before you've even tried. Assuming a girl will be stuck up/dismissive/unfriendly if you approach. Assuming a girl thinks she's out of your league, or that she's superficial or only dates rich guys.

  • Assuming that you can't hold her attraction. I'm talking about anxiety when she doesn't answer your texts, your heart sinking if you see with another dude, assuming she wants to fuck your friend when you introduce her, bringing her to public places and worrying she's going to go home with another guy. The insecurity and neediness that you project will send things into a negative feedback loop of her shit-testing you, you failing those shit tests and losing frame, and her eventually being repelled by you and attracted to other guys.

  • Assuming she intends to put you in the friend-zone / make you into a beta orbiter. So if she complains about another guy she's seeing, you immediately assume it's because she wants to LJBF you, ignoring the possibilities that she might be rationalizing a decision to cheat on him with you or giving you an opportunity to demonstrate superiority.

  • Assuming she only wants you for your money. I had this happen to me recently, actually. A girl I met at the bar asked me if I wanted to 'take her out for drinks.' My mind jumped immediately to 'oh, she just wants someone to take her out for free drinks, she's not actually attracted to me.' That couldn't have been further from the truth. Not only was she attracted to me, but she paid for half the tab without being asked to do so.

The trouble with this kind of stuff is that they're all self-fulfilling prophecies. As you spend more and more time behaving like a guy who thinks she's going to leave you, a guy who thinks that she doesn't see you as a worthy mate, her intuition is going to sniff out your weakness. Women can smell this shit a mile away, I'm telling you - nature designed them that way.

And trust me, when she picks up on the fact that YOU don't think you're good enough for her, on an emotional and instinctive level she's going to start to feel the same way. After all, if even YOU don't believe you're a worthy mate, why should she?

Look, your past failures don't define who you are as a person. Resist the temptation to re-live the mistakes of the past and make a conscious effort to move forward at all time - don't look back.

Sometimes demons from the past continue to haunt us long after they've already been conquered. One thing that often surprises people who lose substantial amounts of weight is how little difference it made in their psychological experience. They figured once they lost all this weight, they'd magically transform into this confident, empowered person. Frequently, they are disappointed to discover that they remain the same person they always were albeit with a shiny new exterior.

People don't like to hear me say this on this sub, but I stand by it: confidence comes from within. Supermodels are notoriously some of the most insecure people on the planet. Many great intellects feel stupid. Many of the best artists and most creative musicians have been their own worst critics - sensitive to criticism and yet dismissive of praise. Jimi Hendrix famously said he didn't like compliments because he found them distracting. Stanley Kubrick is said to have stayed in bed for days in a dark depression following an unsuccessful early screening of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Richard Nixon, who as US President became what is considered to be the leader of the free world, and yet biographers describe him as a perpetual outsider, someone who felt alienated throughout his life, someone who never felt accepted. An elected President who felt like no one accepted him. Think about that.

And so what if your issue is that you feel like you're a loser with women? How are you going to fix that? Well, if you think that's going to change when your notch count hits 10... 50.. 100, you might want to think again. If you think you'll feel like a stud when you finally have abs, you might be surprised.

Looking for validation externally is like filling a bucket with a hole in it. The only way you're gonna stop feeling like a loser and sabotaging your opportunities at success is if you work on your inner game: managing your emotions, practicing self-discipline, mindfulness and self-awareness (meditation helps a lot with this), cultivating an attitude of stoicism, and behaving with self respect.

If you go looking for validation from the outside world, then you're no better than some Instagram whore who shamelessly posts pics of her tits and ass for the world to see all in the hopes of obtaining more likes and followers. The only difference is where you get your validation.

Look, success is scary. We don't like to admit that we might be afraid of success, but we are. If failure is all we've ever known, then failure becomes our comfort zone. And if we're not careful, we'll screw ourselves over simply to stay in our comfort zone. We'll set ourselves up to fail because failure is all we've ever known.

Post Information
Title Haunted by your Past: Self-Sabotage and the Fear of Success
Author CrackityDiggity
Upvotes 670
Comments 60
Date 10 March 2016 07:45 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit TheRedPill
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/39372
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/49sjmr/haunted_by_your_past_selfsabotage_and_the_fear_of/
Similar Posts

TRP terms found in post
Click to open them on Dictionary


[–]7thsonofthe7thson63 points64 points  (0 children) | Copy

What a well written article! superb!

[–]2PragmaticRedTruth47 points48 points  (0 children) | Copy

The view of yourself is shaped by the outside world in many cases. It's exactly why most yearn to fit in by following new trends, styles, and activities.

I do X. Doing X makes me cool. People appreciate and respect me for doing X. If I didn't do X, would those same people like me as much? If I didn't do Y would she really want to fuck me?

Which brings me to an extremely important point.

Your foundation.

It is everything when it comes to confidence. You should KNOW, it's not that X or Y is what makes people like you... It's how comfortable you've become with yourself, how content you are with your self. It doesn't matter what X and Y are, not even a little. When you have nothing to hide and nothing to fear, you can shine.

That's why you first must separate yourself from any certain way to be. Strip yourself of what you’ve known, to become something you, and only you, desire, and to be damn sure of it. The reasoning behind such a statement comes from the thought process that you must not aim to please others, before you have succeeded in pleasing yourself. You should become what you want, for you; not to meet the demands or desire of others, not to impress others. There is a high probability the truth will eventually shine through if you do not make the necessary changes at the core; this is exactly why you start living your life for you, the way you desire, and that day your journey begins. You should be able to quickly reason the why behind your decisions and what makes you, you. If you cannot, you should be working towards finding out why, until you can.

You will become an uncomfortable, faux version of yourself if you do not start at creating a solid foundation. For some it means monk mode and a whole lot of searching, for others who are more disciplined it means not leaving the path they've set out on until they've reach that pinnacle.

[–]Endorsed Contributorredpillbanana39 points40 points  (4 children) | Copy

One of the topics that you touch upon a paradox: the more knowledge you have, and the more capable you are, the more insecure you feel. It's a corollary to the Dunning-Kruger effect:

Their research also suggests corollaries: highly skilled individuals may underestimate their relative competence and may erroneously assume that tasks which are easy for them are also easy for others.

Looking at your examples:

  • Great intellects feeling stupid: great intellects such as prominent scientists know about the vast gaps in their knowledge. They also know that there are many in their field who are equally smart and are ready to criticize their work as soon as it is made public...perhaps this time they will find an embarrassing error.
  • Supermodels being insecure: supermodels, of all people, know how fickle their industry is, and know what will happen if they are no longer the "it" girl.
  • Best artists are their own worst critics: again, great artists surround themselves and compare themselves to other great artists. The Beach Boys were amazing artists by any measure but they had to compete with The Beatles. Eric Clapton had to compete with Jimi Hendrix.

I think the same thing happens to folks on the self-improvement path. You physique is improving but it's not as good as Arnold's or even Zyzz's. You're taking women off the pedestal but you're not pulling girls like Wilt Chamberlain. You're doing well in your career but not as well as Mark Zuckerberg. As you gain capability, you also gain a better understanding of the difficulty in reaching the top.

It's great to aim high and compare yourself to the best, but the most important comparison is to the man you were yesterday.

[–]oakenowa17 points18 points  (2 children) | Copy

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. - Ernest Hemingway

[–]Human_v24 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

What about if you're not interested in being noble and just wanna be a sikkunt instead?

[–]SlamSlask2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

After getting to an understanding that confidence does not come from the stuff you do to impress the externals I started to reflect on my day before going to bed to see which goals I came closer to accomplishing this way I also remind myself to not compare myself to others but to how I where yesterday

Its also another reason to keep track of your progress when trying to accomplish your goals

[–]cheeky_throwaway10113 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is about one of the best posts I've ever read on here. And I say that without exaggeration. This advice was exactly what I was hoping to receive from reading "Feel the fear and do it anyway."

This post was concise, and got it's point across in real terms without a lot of the female new age bullcrap that was in that book.

Great job OP!

[–]corneliusharvardus9 points10 points  (8 children) | Copy

It's all about neuron pathways. Emotions are neuron pathways. You can't just ''change'' how you feel.

To do that, you apply memory reconsolidation. You bring up a cue that put you back in a certain emotional state, then you violate the expectation of your brain by behaving in a different manner.

That's how you will unwire the unwanted neuron pathways and forge new ones.

It is painful mentally.

[–]5t3fan01 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

this got me interested, could you please make a real-life example?

[–]corneliusharvardus7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

There's a good book on the topic of memory reconsolidation.

  • Title: Unlocking the emotional brain : eliminating symptoms at their roots using memory reconsolidation.
  • Author: Bruce Ecker

[–]excaliboor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the suggestion, do share more of your favorite literature on the subject

[–] points points | Copy

[permanently deleted]

[–]getbangedchatshit0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Can;t find much about CBT. Would you care to share a link or some books?

[–] points points | Copy

[permanently deleted]

[–]getbangedchatshit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have that on my Kindle. Thanks. I am gonna finish reading it.

[–]nicechallenge6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'm stuck in this negative loop with women, everytime I force myself to get out of my comfort zone and do the approach rejection happens or I manage to get a number and she flakes. Maybe the attitude I'm projecting is my past-self as you said but anyways I think it boils down to how to make my brain act confident and with abundance mentality if I've never had any success with women. I'm almost sure this is what is fucking me up but I still don't know how to trick my brain into thinking dating is something positive when all the evidence points to the opposite direction (negative experiences). Does anyone knows how to trick my brain or something?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

yes. read "Intimate Connections" by Dr. David Burns and do the CBT exercises like crazy. When I read NMMNG I just did the exercises focusing on abundance.

Of course mega hotties suddenly opening me did help. Turns out I have a very handsome face after I lose 55 lbs. I am also in my 40s, so it is easier because of the whole salt and pepper thing.

[–]nicechallenge1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you so much bro. I've been trying to find a book in this regard, have a nice day and keep hitting the gym like crazy!

[–]capt_behindsight0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I would say adopt a sense of outcome independence. I try to distance myself from 'a person trying to date' to something tangible like running my own business where I'm the product.

Would you go back to the same client when it's not going anywhere, or would you reach out and find 2-3 new leads in that time? Does it make sense or help you sell by getting all sad?

If nothing is working, increase your sales ability (game) or your product (lift)

[–]nicechallenge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah that's a great way to look at it. I lift so I'm almost sure my game is fucking me up curiously enough I'm good at selling shit but dating is really difficult to me, don't know why but I feel like a creep everytime I try to escalate.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy

This is exactly where I am at. I am using CBT to kill it with fire.

[–]getbangedchatshit0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Care to tell more about CBT? what is it?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Cognitive behavioral therapy. More self work, less talk.

[–]getbangedchatshit0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Would you share some resources in a trp context?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

2 books, Feeling Good and Intimate Comnections by Dr. David Burns. Read them and do all the exercises.

[–]getbangedchatshit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you! I got a hold of Psycho cyber but will start with these two first.

[–]RP_Vergil5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I cannot agree more with OP in this post. Too many times people expected that TRP, like many other conventional self help guides, life hacks or even like in shows they used to show, that "if we do A, we will get B".

Many times when people move out from Zero Fighter in one aspect, they expect as though there to be an orchestra playing in the background or flowers to suddenly bloom into screen.

Get Real

Feminist has us thinking that when we accomplish something, people will be all around to congratulate us, less we know we are just like that fat woman on the SimonsTM commercial where after a good night sleep on a new mattress it's worth splashing Champaign on others about.

No it isn't.

When you accomplish something, others expect more from you, that's the real deal. Until you surpassed them on their level, where you can see either they would be scornful about your new success (Sounds familar?) Or look up to you, even better, they compete with you.

Never assume that there is an experience bar like in RPG games for you in real life when it comes to self improvement. You only have to keep doing things that do you right (I.E : Lift, Read, Practice Game) and never wonder if "You're already there", because chances are, if you have this thought and can't follow up with recollection where you have been successful all the time, you're still far from any "End Game".

[–]NeoreactionSafe21 points22 points  (2 children) | Copy


After all, if even YOU don't believe you're a worthy mate, why should she?


Deep down we aren't the ones who require worthiness.

Men love women, women love children, children love puppies.

Does the man need approval from the puppy?


It's the puppy that is rewarded and punished for their behavior and it's the compliance of the puppy that determines if it gets the approval.

Until you comprehend masculine polarity in the structural sense you will continue to fall into these emotional traps.

Intellectual comprehension of the structural dimensions of masculine polarity is the essential building block for confidence.

Once the cold logic of polarity sinks in (the emotions are left outside the logic) then your inner self has a firm foundation.

You can practice "feel good" confidence boosting forever and never gain confidence.

Confidence is like math... you have enough certainty to your logic that you can say without doubt that 2 + 2 = 4 even when the Blue Pill tells you over and over again that 2 + 2 = 5.


[–]tirpt1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Can you explain what you mean by masculine polarity in the structural sense?

[–]NeoreactionSafe16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

Men love women, women love children, children love puppies.

I know that sentence is repeated (by me) often but it's so insightful that it deserves to be discussed over and over.

From the "structural" logic of masculine polarity the man loves the woman from a position where he is "above" her in an emotional sense. Women are the "Oldest Teenagers" and prone to emotions that guide them into bad decisions. The man is the stoic and objective "rock" who manages the relationship so that when the woman behaves badly he punishes (dread Game) or rewards with comfort.

This entire masculine polarity has a clearly defined structural logic to it.

The easiest way to learn this is when your father knows Game and is very good at loving the family through his rewards and punishments. My own father was truly brilliant in this, so this is where I learned it.

We had cousins who were a complete disaster because my Aunt and Uncle were operating under a structure that today is called "Blue Pill" but back then was simply "embarrassing". The average beta today would have been seen as an "embarrassment" in the 1950's and 1960's. Only as we entered the 1970's after a decade of drug use were the Blue Pill "alternative relationships" made normalized.

So masculinity can be part of traditional culture.

But there were exceptions (like my Aunt and Uncle) who were beta and everyone just accepted that families were free to choose their styles.

One of my cousins committed suicide as a result of his Blue Pill household, so I've seen how this breaks down males and makes them suicidal.

Masculinity is like a protection against suicide.


[–]chickenhuntaz2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Reading psycho cybernetics right now and it follows many themes this post talks about. The self-image is a powerful contributor in how you behave and think. As you improve, you need to define your current status objectively. Otherwise, negative beliefs that you had about yourself in the past will hold you back.

I'm currently trying to consciously redifine my self-image and it has given me amazing results in my confidence.

[–]rpm6121 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy


What is this?

[–]chickenhuntaz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don't really go through the sessions like the book says. I just had a paradigm shift as I understood that all of my negative and limiting beliefs were irrational. Really powerful concept. The book did a good job breaking down those walls I had limiting me my entire life.

[–]EmperorAurelius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Heh. I'm currently reading it too. Some of the exercises take some real effort though. Especially if you've had a negative mindset for most of your life.

[–]asdf100022 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

thank you so much for this. i dwell on my fuck ups so much. i over analyze my faults and then compare them to the successes that i see in field reports. honestly it can ruin my whole week. i know i'll still dwell on fuck ups in the future but it's something i'm trying to get over.

i can attest to your examples of entertainers rejecting compliments. personally i almost never took compliments seriously because i thought they were just bullshitting me. i focused so much on criticism that i could never fully embrace the skills i had as an actor. this carried over to real life. on top of that, i somehow built the idea into my brain years ago that it's much better to be humble and analyze all negative aspects because focusing on the positive lest your ego take over in the wrong way.

for example, i fucked the hottest girl in my life 3 years ago and while the old me would probably celebrate endlessly, i dwell constantly on the decisions i made in that instance which contributed to me losing two plates (the hottest chick and another one) in less than 24 hours. couple that with the fact that both fuck ups were due to being a massive beta and here we are. it shattered my ego and it's taking me a while to rebuild it. i think i'll write a field report about it soon. something about putting it all out there will probably clear my conscience and i can finally know peace. we'll see.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't know about the rest of you, but this has been the most difficult change to make.

I think part of it comes with the territory. Once you take the pill and realize how much you sucked beforehand, you stay in that mindset. No amount of compliments from guy friends, female friends, really any people around you is going to change that- it has to come from within.

What really helped me was reminding myself that this girl has no idea who I was just a few years ago. She is starting with a clean slate of me, and that guy is pretty fucking awesome.

[–]redolas2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I am just going to leave this here:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Nelson Mandela

[–]CrackityDiggity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Really appreciate this, thanks for posting it.

[–]1PantsonFire12341 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Succes with women is all relative. It depends on your expectations and personal world view. It also depends on the environment you're in. Compared to my environment I do exceptionally well with girls. In my late teen years I did exceptionally bad with girls. I've experienced both sides of the coin.

Being single you'll be going through dry patches. In a LTR you will be bored out of your skull- if you'd like to admit that or not. There are only two ways to be a high performer with women. Either you become a master with game and continuously approach or/and you enter an LTR realistically and fuck on the side. You guessed it, few men who are plugged in make those choices.

Feeling inadequate because you only fuck a reasonable 3-5 girls a year is ludicrous. Add a girlfriend to it and that's a nice baseline to work off.

[–]EmperorAurelius0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Damn. This post rings so true for me. All those assumptions you listed, I've done. All they did was cause me failure which reenforced the negativity that overshadows everything I do. Also external validation and lack of faith and confidence in myself has been very detrimental to my cause. I'm glad I recognize my weaknesses and issues though. Just have to work hard on fixing them.

Great post, man. Thanks.

[–]1wanderer19760 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is an excellent article in all respects. It isn't just fear of success that can hold you back, it's also becoming transfixed by the fear of the possible. Let's say you lose your job, not your fault just the market turned against you at the wrong time, or your an employer loses a key contract, just a bad break you were effected by it.

Then in your next job, because of the trauma of losing your job, you try to be perfect, no mistakes, no errors, no problem at all, the only problem is that we all make mistakes or overlook something every now and again. So, you make that one mistake. Then one mistake follows another, maybe not a big one but small ones. You may even discover the reason for the mistakes is that secretly, you want to lose your job because then the pressure that you might lose your job is off of you. It isn't intuitive or logical, but it sometimes is.

Always define your goals. Always be sure that attaining the goals you have set for yourself will lead to your happiness. Always make a daily/weekly/monthly plan towards your goal and give yourself something to measure your progress. Live life the way it is supposed to be lived.

[–]RedPillFreedom0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is great. I noticed I'm doing this with my health the past year. Thus, led to me becoming bedridden again. Journaling everything and having regular check ins will ensure I don't stray from the path.

It was overwhelming pressure from society, family, friends, peers, those around me that made me believe the only way to allot myself the time necessary was by getting injured. This was how would justify my taking time off to only focus on my mental, physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.

[–]huge_gap0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Spot-on post. Well-written and insightful.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Assuming she only wants you for your money. I had this happen to me recently, actually. A girl I met at the bar asked me if I wanted to 'take her out for drinks.' My mind jumped immediately to 'oh, she just wants someone to take her out for free drinks, she's not actually attracted to me.' That couldn't have been further from the truth. Not only was she attracted to me, but she paid for half the tab without being asked to do so.

Holy fuck, great point. Don't let the RedPill ruin the little moments in life that you should be enjoying. Not every chick is going to be perfect, but that doesn't mean she's trying to pull one over on you. Enjoy your time with women! Once you grow old, you miss the times when you were your young self spending time with a beautiful chick.

[–]PaperbackParrot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I nominate for TRP hall of fame.

Bullet point 2 should hit home for a lot subscribers here. Im at fault for being anxious in social situations with girls when I [we] need to realize they chose us in the first place. We just need to hold our end of the bargain by being a man confident in his abilities.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Look, success is scary. We don't like to admit that we might be afraid of success, but we are. If failure is all we've ever known, then failure becomes our comfort zone. And if we're not careful, we'll screw ourselves over simply to stay in our comfort zone. We'll set ourselves up to fail because failure is all we've ever known.

Just wanted you know man, that this is exactly what I needed to hear right now. A lot of the time this sub can descend into bitterness & hatred but sometime inspiring and insightful stuff like this comes through.

So thanks.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very well written and came at a time in my life where I need to hear this. Going to college soon and have only had one successful relationship that wasn't as great as I thought it was. In the back of my head I am worried that I won't find new friends and won't be able to attract girls because that's all I've ever known. The girls I have dated were whores that sucked me emotionally dry at times.

[–]Endorsed ContributorMetalgear2220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This hits home for me, I've always known I was afraid of success, afraid to give things 100%, just could never figure out why. I'm still struggling with ways to convince myself I'm worthy, but I'm making small wins in lifting and my career. Hoping that I pick up something along the way that pushes me to try even harder.

[–]rakov0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Isn't being overly confident a bad thing too, though? Imagine a total beta thinking he's alpha, trying to pull alpha moves when everyone laughs at him; isn't it way more pathetic than beta who's aware he's beta and acting cautious trying to overcome it?

What I observe is facts: I had zero success with women in my entire life. "Insanity is doing exact same thing over and over, expecting shit to change" - that's why I decided to give up hopes and to not approach anyone until I have a solid reason to believe I changed enough.

[–]dj10show0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This was me in high school. I was nerdy, not athletic, brown in an all white high school, socially anxious. Needless to say, I got thrown in my gym locker and trash cans a few times. Guidance counselors and teachers told me I had to be confident. Well, now you're acting like your shit doesn't stink, and like MacGruber says "It does stink. It stinks like shit." Arrogance is confidence plus lack of results.

Now that I am athletic, socially active, and popular...all those things that people picked on me for, became things I leveraged for strength.

[–]CrackityDiggity[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I think as a general rule it's more pragmatic to err on the side of overconfidence and not underconfidence. If I see a short, out of ahape, nerdy guy who acts very alpha I won't necessarily assume he is just a beta who's pretending - for all I know maybe he's very rich, famous or successful in other areas. I think women often figure the same.

[–]rakov0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

it's more pragmatic to err on the side of overconfidence and not underconfidence

Meh, not sure about it. You're thinking of one particular effect of underconfidence - inactivity - which is counterproductive of course. But there may be also some advantages. For example, being underconfident, you're likely to act on quanitity instead of quality, getting less depressed after rejections and contacting more girls instead of trying hard on one. "Well, another one I'm not worthy of, ok, next", as opposed to "BUT I'M SO COOL WHY DOESNT SHE WANT ME I MUST CONQUER HER WAAAAAH".

who acts very alpha

Notice how you said "acts alpha" and not "tries to act alpha". Yes, you can compensate looks with behavior, but behavior is an asset too. Trying to apply what you don't have will only lead to people seeing you as arrogant and clownish.

[–]1IamGale0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your section on assumptions is on point. I can relate from a personal experience today. I was at the library and I had made a new friend. I was going to ask him if he wanted to take a break and chill at the local youth centre.

But man I was assuming he was going to say no. Mostly to help me deal with the rejection, but yea it was kind of sad in introspect.

Why did I assume he was going to say no? Because I don't think I'm worthy of being someone to hang out with subconsciously? Because I'm so used to being more of lone wolf? Or because I don't want to break my current identity?

The trouble with this kind of stuff is that they're all self-fulfilling prophecies.

Then because I think it a certain way it becomes reality.

You write that solution is this:

The only way you're gonna stop feeling like a loser and sabotaging your opportunities at success is if you work on your inner game

Honestly, in my experience the best way to grow my inner game is to calibrate with the outside game. It's constantly re-enforce new behaviours and attitudes by acting them out in the real world. It's not by acting them out in my head. It's all about persistently acting how I want to act and not how my habits want me to act.

[–]RMK240 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is some great stuff right here. I find myself constantly saving many posts from TRP and this is the next one.

[–]SSolus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

this shit is the truth. thanks alot, definitely needed to hear this

[–]YungKillah470 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've so much regret.

I think IDGAF works in this situation, you dont want to appeared as regretful to others.

[–]unyin0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for this. This is something I really needed to hear (read).

[–]redpillsoldato0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Beautifully written article. Many people including myself struggle with this on a daily basis. Taking the pill makes you realize how much work you have to do on yourself, and when you finally see yourself improving, it can be scary thinking it will all crumble down and you'll relapse back into your former beta self.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Great post, But what are the next steps, how do you manage your emotions, how do you practise self-discipline?

[–]PostingIsFutile-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Assuming that you can't hold her attraction. I'm talking about anxiety when she doesn't answer your texts, your heart sinking if you see with another dude, assuming she wants to fuck your friend when you introduce her, bringing her to public places and worrying she's going to go home with another guy.

But she does want to fuck that dude. No matter how alpha you are, there will be some other guy who is more alpha. You have to learn to just not care very much when it happens. On to the next one.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2020. All rights reserved.

created by /u/dream-hunter