EDIT: Automod got me for brigading, back again
Link to op: https://archive.is/uULD2
Summary: OP (girlfriend) gets asked by an "ancient ex" to meet up in Amsterdam for a week while he is there for work (he lives in Italy and she in the UK). She books the ticket before mentioning anything to her BF because:
they were on sale for a ridiculously low price on the dates that he would be there, so I jumped at the opportunity.
Boyfriend breaks up with her without loosing frame and even 'that' subreddit calls her out for being wrong.
Body: So they've dated for 6 months and she thinks that going alone to Amsterdam to meet up with an "ex from ancient history who is more like a best-friend" is a good idea. She starts with the excuses even in the title.
Her boyfriend shows exactly how a situation like this are to be handled, no harsh words, no complaining about not going simply holding frame:
Pete seemed cool with it at first but after a few days asked me if there was any history between us. I was honest and told him there was. He didn't seem too bothered and eventually asked if I thought visiting an ex in another country was appropriate whilst in a relationship. I explained to him how Dave and my relationship wasn't like that and that we were strictly platonic. He didn't seem to really react, he just gave me a look that was...sarcastic, I suppose, would be the best way to describe it.
Edit: "he just gave me a look that was...sarcastic" -> "dont need to talk, just grin" (c) Endorsed TRP-philosophy.
First he calmly suspects that this is more than platonic and asks her and her hamster believes that going a week to Amsterdam with an ex to do drugs and partying is a sign of a "platonic friendship" and feels safe confessing that he is actually an ex. He then proceeds to ask if she think its appropriate (not telling her its not, just vetting to see if she is really LTR material).
She then pulls out the "strong independent black woman" card as a response:
I then told him that I wouldn't be controlled and hated men that thought they owned me and could tell me what to do. I told him I was free to see who I wanted and that I found his lack of trust in me upsetting, disrespectful and, perhaps, a sign of future abusiveness. I now realise that this may have been a bad thing to say. Again, he didn't really react so I thought that was the end of it.
Here most men would have caved, given her reasons not go, told her not to go or even worse, supported the idea of the trip because nobody wants to be an "abusive boyfriend". Her boyfriend on the other hand shows exactly how to hold frame he even explains it to her:
Then, last night, he came around to my flat and broke up with me! I asked him why and tried to get him to explain himself and he told me that my going away was to see "another man" a deal-breaker, that he'd been in this type of situation before and wasn't going to go through it again. I asked him if this was an ultimatum - I hate ultimatums, they are tools of abusers - and he said "No, its not an ultimatum. I've decided to break up with you. I have not presented you with any options. I just came to say goodbye." Before I could say or do anything more, he kissed me on the forehead, said goodbye and walked away. He didn't seem angry, just...sad.
No harsh words, no ultimatums, no anger, just HELD FRAME. He realise a women that cant show her relationship the respect it deserves dont deserve him and he simply lets her go.
Here comes some bonus:
To make matters worse, I told Dave about what happened and he replied "Oh well, guess that means we can have even more fun then! ;o)" He didn't care about my relationship and my pain - he just wanted a hookup buddy and someone to get stoned with whilst he was in Amsterdam.
Suprise, her ex-boyfriend didnt invite her to Amsterdam to party to have a platonic friendship re-kindle. Obviously both men in this story knew exactly what was up but she comes to the Internet asking for advice of what went wrong.
I tried calling Pete today, about an hour ago, and he actually answered! He told me that I should look to be with someone who wasn't so abusive. He said, "Please stop calling me - this is over. Have a nice trip to Amsterdam" Then he BLOCKED me! How could he do that to someone he loves? Is he over reacting or was I? What should I do now? Was I wrong?
"How could he do that to someone he loves?" she asks herself without any self-reflection (until even the Internet told her that yes, you were wrong).
Women believe in their hamsters, they are not lying when they say they "didnt cheat" or "it just happened", just because she believes her own lies dont mean you have to.
Hold frame, even if your girlfriend is planning on going on a fuck-trip to Amsterdam with an EX.