Hello guys.

Im sorry that im using throwaway account but since its very personal post i would like to remain anonymous.

I also apologize for my english, im not a native speaker but i will try my best to write this in best of my abilities.

This post is going to be long one, somehow rant'y and i hope that im able to post it here, because this sub is both first and last resort for me in looking for an answer how to deal with my problem. There just arent any places i know when one can speak with fellow MGTOW's and even if i go to psychiatrist i will just get your average blue pill/white knight mumbo jumbo.

​

First things first - Im 28 now and i have been MGTOW for many years now. Thats why im looking for an answer from either veteran MGTOW or from people who have same problem as me.

Maybe the root of my problem is lack of male role model in my young life? I was basically raised by my mother only, my father was drunkard and this is basically all he did all his life. Still - i cant really complain about my mother, she did everything she could to provide for us so i cant say i was living poor childhood or something. Problem is she did exactly what a women (especially single mother) would do - she imprinted false image of women in my mind. To her women were always pure, innocent victims of sex driven beasts known as men. To her "bad" woman are almost mythical creatures, and average girl wants just to find a good man to start a family with and its usually a man who destroys families, cheats etc.

Not exactly a reality we are living in, isnt it?

This all came back to bite me when i was reaching adulthood - i was dumped by my first (and as i hoped then, only) love in a bad manner. It was basically about me wanting to move out and start to living on our own, but she wasnt ready for it and wanted to live longer off her parents money. Unfortunetly instead of coming clear about it, she didnt want to ruin her reputation as a mature one (and since her family really liked me) she forged a story of me being controlling monster. Nothing "really" bad happened, she just dumped me and spread many gossips about me (fortunetly not many people completly belived her anyway).

​

This was warning bell for me. Even before i noticed that women arent exactly as "pure" as my mother depicted them to be, but i wanted to belive that there at least some that are capable of loving unconditionally. It could be worse right? I read many stories of man having worse than me. After some time, when i dealt with my broken heart i began dating again, and it was everything that happened after that that made me MGTOW.

I always despised casual sex, for me faithfulness was really important and having sex without love and all that comes with casual sex was just repulsive - i could never be with woman who had many sexual partners or was practising casual sex. And that was long before i even knew about dual mating strategy, pair bonding etc. - it was just instinctual for me, not to mention std's.

As i said before - i started to date again and maybe because i was out of dating game for long time or that in my mind sexual promiscuity was just a thing in movies, i never expected what would await me there. Needless to say, no matter when i looked and what kind of women i dated (their education,upbring, their occupation) ALL were promiscuous. They were quick to get into bed, no matter what they said beforehand (i still remeber a girl i met on some dating app - she was talking to me for whole evening about some dude who "hurt and used her", and how she wont be able to trust and go to bed with anoyone for long,long time - she put her hand into my pants after 2 hours of our first date). 1st, 2nd or 3rd date - it was all it took for them to want to have sex with me. And casual sex wasnt thing i was looking for, so i was just breaking ties with them and starting again, looking for "right" one. One thing im really proud of is that i never bend down on my principles and had sex with them, up to this day im smiling when i remember how those girls were either dumbfounded or furious that im refusing them, i dont even remember how many times i heard back then that im either impotent or gay.

And since im not stupid, after some time i realised that i wont find what im looking for, im average in every regard - average height, with average face not really a good talker, only thing that made me stand out is that i was quite fit because i always liked sports and was working out. And if i find so many girls that want to go to bed with me so fast, regardless of what they say and that i dont even initiate anything sexual, how easy must it be for handsome man who is smooth talker?

For some time it really hurt but i became so disappointed with women and shallowness of relationships that i got over it.I lost interest in love and it was probably only time in my life when i was really happy, i accepted world as it really is and even though somewhere in my mind thought about finding right one lingered in my mind i suppresed it and told myself that i'll be happy regardless of i find my unicorn or not.It was more than seven years ago, i became mgtow even though back then i had no idea about that kind of movement, red pill truths etc. I was still maintaining frendly reletions with women in my social circle of course, since i didnt want to be considered crazy but i was adamant on staying single. I never believed in male-female frendship so it wasnt that hard anyway.

After some time something grounbreaking happened - i was run over by car and culprit run away. This changed everything and served as my last lesson on my way to MGTOW. Not only i lost my health and (medicore) looks - i also dropped out of college and wasnt able to work. It completly changed my relationship with women and how i really looked at them - you could say i bassically stopped existing for them - they didnt even tried to maintain any friendly relations, and aside from few words of pity they treated me like air.

It really woke me up and any lingering blue pill beliefs i had disappeared then.

Surprisingly, back then it was really easy for me to accept it all, especailly since i already found red pill knowledge and it all served to just confirm what i knew (these were great times for MGTOW philisophy, many great youtube channels, trpred without thousands of fake field reports but focused on psychological aspects of men-woman relationships etc.)

For few years my life was calm, i amassed crazy amount of medical debt but i managed to regain my health, i found good paying job and im standing on my feet again - if i get lucky i will be debt free in few years.

But this is where my problem comes and question i need to help with.

For all those years i never mentioned to anyone that im going my own way but everything that happened just cemented my believs. I dont really have much contact with women aside from few work acquaintances and girlfriends/fiancées of my friends. Since they dont know im mgtow and just think that im just unable to pick up any girl, they are really easy-going with me and are quite honest with me, so my mgtow knowledge not only got confirmed but i also got to closer look at femine psyche, which once again killed any illusion i had.

​

Problem is that for about one year now, my regrets regarding women started to surface.

In my life i learned to solve problems, and i always had clear path - if something didnt work i fixed it, when my healt deteriorated i fought to get it back, i got together and managed to finish my studies, found good job etc. I always worked hard to fix things that werent working out for me or were bugging me. But im not able to change how society and human relations are.

No matter what i do and how hard i work on myslef i wont be able to find "right" girl.

I will never have happy family, with women who loves me (because she simply doesnt exist), I will never have childen, even though i always wanted to have them because i dont want them to have "bad" mother, neither i want to risk financial ruin if my theoretical wife decides to bleed me dry. After all these years i painfully realised that men are indeed "weak" and romantic sex and all those notions about true love and companionship were indeed created by them for them.

This emptiness is killing me, no matter what i do, i will be alone and no one will ever truly love me (aside from my mother ofc.). Love doesnt exist and i lately i cant stomach it. For some time i tried antidepressants but side effects were severe so i put them off, and im definetly not going to touch alcohol, i dont want end up like my father.

Just the thought of how empty and shallow human relations are and how devoid of love life is, is crushing me.

I somehow function and dont show how bad i feel to other people. I do everything in my job what i should do, i still work out and try to have hobbies even though they doesnt give me happines anymore, i still help homeless animal shelter as i always did.

But im doing all this by force, im forcing myself to get through each passing day, trying to live just for myslef. Every evening, every time im not pilled with work im going crazy.

And this is my question, hope someone read it to this point - veteran mgtows how do you deal with thought of living for only yourself? How do you deal with emptiness, realisation that love doesnt exist and no woman will ever love you truly, that you will never have your own children? That there is no higher feelings in woman and "love" as it is depicted is a lie?

How do you get by without others person warmth?

I know that at the begining its easy, but after few years this is getting harder and harder to bear - at least for me.

​

No tl;dr, sorry.