After the death of my child and girlfriend, improvement is all I've got left.

redpillschool · 2017-01-12T14:38:56+00:00

If you're depressed, Vitamin D + k2 and fucking exercise. You'd be surprised what a difference it makes in your attitude.

Randomshortdude · 2017-01-11T19:31:09+00:00

That's deep. I'm proud of you for overcoming. Keep pushing and making strides forward man.

And always remember no one has a crystal ball. I was a little more fortunate than you in the fact that my ex survived her suicide attempt, but it's not something that's in your control. Some people are dealing with demons in this world that we don't have the power to fight for them.

Keep pressing on man.

2comment · 2017-01-11T20:01:23+00:00

The worst pains I see people go through life is when they internalize the faults of an addict family member, someone whom they had no absolute control over to begin with.

Maybe you'll be able to distance yourself or at least forgive yourself over this, one day, even though you'll likely carry it with you forever.

indivisibleremainder · 2017-01-11T23:20:32+00:00

The desire to kill oneself is the reflection of the psychological need to discard an aspect of yourself that is holding you back. Whether your demons are addiction, false ideologies, or whatever, they are a part of your psyche and in order to transcend them you must kill them. This means a part of you must die so that something new can be born. When a person is unwilling to change, their life becomes ruled by their demons, and they live in a veritable hell on earth. Those who are unable to psycho-spiritually kill themselves and be reborn, their final act is to literally kill themselves.

In your moment of hitting rock bottom, you did "kill yourself" in that psycho-spiritual sense. This freed you up to begin the path of rebirth and self improvement. The path of self improvement, aka Life, is a continuous series of deaths and rebirths.

Although you have already made great strides, I highly recommend the work of Professor Jordan Peterson. I was in quite the rut when I discovered his stuff, and I ended up watching tons of his lectures in the span of a few weeks. It helped a lot.

Slaying the Dragon Within Us

The Necessity of Virtue

If you find that stuff interesting, just check out his youtube channel for more, he has uploaded entire semesters worth of classes on these topics:

Personality and its Transformations

Maps of Meaning (PDF)

badchad_isglad · 2017-01-11T19:48:07+00:00

There's only one way to move in life...forward. Count this as another lesson,albeit a hard one, that will make you into the type of man you are working towards.

HumanSockPuppet · 2017-01-11T22:57:43+00:00

You've got self improvement.

And you've also got us.

Keep pushing your limits, keep fighting for your Mission, and keep coming back. We got you, bruh.

VigilantRedRooster · 2017-01-11T21:49:36+00:00

Rock bottom suicidal posts are not uncommon on AskTRP. This post is a great resource and inspiration for them. I'll definitely curate this in the AskTRP sidebar. Thank you for posting, OP, and may the road ahead of you be clear!

[deleted] · 2017-01-11T22:23:33+00:00

When you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

[deleted] · 2017-01-11T21:46:02+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that you have recovered somewhat.

I don't think your not gaming women is somehow BP. In fact, what you are doing is much more RP than all of these hamsters seeking validation 'scoring'. Keep working on yourself man, good luck.

ArkAngelEV · 2017-01-11T20:03:34+00:00

Sounds like you bitched out. Dark humor aside, glad you didn't do it. Sounds like there is a bit of guilt about the abortion, don't. Just because your princess was finally getting her shit right and potentially on the path to fulfilling the image you had of her in your head, she would've fallen short one way or another. Don't give rancor an inch, it would only grow.

Especially with thought experiments, who knows in what parallel universe in which she lives, her doing would've been to your detriment. Once you walk the paths of what ifs, it's hard to get out. Only thing you can do is pinch yourself and realize you can only deal with whats in front of you. Not behind, not on the sides, and not over the horizon. What is in front of you.

sfengi · 2017-01-12T01:44:54+00:00

Not wanting to fuck sluts doesnt make you blue pill

FreemanPontifex · 2017-01-11T22:36:46+00:00

I don't know what to say except for that I read the whole post.

Rough shit, man.

dontaskaboutjack · 2017-01-11T21:58:57+00:00

You're an inspiration, bud. Thanks for posting. And to be sure, you didn't take two lives that year. You made a very tough call about the abortion, and you were put in a bad scenario with your girlfriend. I'm sorry that happened to you. But I hope you don't feel guilt over it.

thatbrofoshow · 2017-01-11T23:16:57+00:00

"Do anything. Just start to do, something."

Yup, definitely agree. Doesn't matter if you don't know what you're doing or suck at something just get in there and try.

Dark-Ulfberht · 2017-01-12T03:25:33+00:00

Good luck to you, man.

Years ago, I lost the dearest person to me very unexpectedly, my mother.

I was red pilled before TRP was a thing, and had had some brutal experiences by that time, including facing the deaths of multiple friends.

But her death nearly put a stake in me.

I will tell you that the pain never really goes away, and neither does the anger. However, in time, you will become immensely more formidable. Events like what you have just experienced, which is arguably worse than what I went through, put everything else into perspective.

All those little problems that bother other people are exposed as utterly trivial. This is something only deep, deep suffering can provide.

You are on the path now, and I think you know it. Continue.

FerociousOreos · 2017-01-11T20:23:39+00:00

Good on ya brother, and good luck with your journey. Might I suggest a prostitute every now and then to let off some steam and keep the juices flowin? I have a feeling you'll be ready to get back in the game soon.

FractalFactorial · 2017-01-11T22:47:50+00:00

Its strange how common that response seems to be. Sort of like sink or swim.

Of course I was beta as fuck when I was first broken up with, felt pretty depressed and suicidal for a little while. But when I woke up from it I made an extensive list of improvements and projects. The next time I was confronted by my ex she was all of a sudden interested because I was back on my feet and goal-oriented.

Men (or at least not betas) don't have the luxury of falling back on "rebound" sex or getting validation easily on social media or a club. The only way forward is self-improvement and if you're not getting better you're almost assuredly getting worse.

meh613 · 2017-01-11T22:48:31+00:00

My deepest condolences for your loss.

FerociousOreos · 2017-01-11T23:02:26+00:00

I have been an opiate addict myself, and I lost friends to it. I used to feel guilty because I taught several of my friends how to shoot up. None of those have died yet, but I have seen their lives ruined by addiction. I used to feel responsible for causing their destruction especially after I got clean myself. Now I realize it was nobody's fault but their own, but I still feel guilty sometimes.

I told you that to say this: it is not your fault. I could not possibly imagine how it feels to believe that you are responsible in some way for her death, and I am sorry you have to bear that burden. But believe me, it was not your fault. Addiction is a disease. You didn't cause the relapse. That's just the nature of addiction. It preys on us when we are at our weakest. I trust that you put a lot of thought into the decision before choosing to abort. You did what you thought would be best for you, your child, and your lady. There is no way you could have foreseen the future. I probably would have done the same thing. Such is life.

I know this won't help the pain and the feelings of guilt. You are probably thinking what you could have done differently. I know that feeling. I lost my father to alcoholism 2 years ago. I tried so hard to save him, but there was nothing to be done. Addicts will either help themselves or not. No one can save them. With opiates, it's always a game of Russian roulette. Every relapse has the chance of turning deadly. I've seen both of my older brothers lying on the floor not breathing, only to be revived just in time by paramedics. This used to happen every other month.

I don't want to diminish your struggles by talking about my own. I would not want to trade places with you. I am only trying to relate to you with my experiences of surviving this horrible drug epidemic sweeping our country. I have seen it from all sides. Please believe me, there is nothing you could have done. Some of us got lucky and were cured through the grace of God. Some of us didn't make it. I still wear the jacket of my good friend that I used to go on pill runs with. It is only chance that he died and I didn't. Sometimes I feel like he is the lucky one.

Now I am trying to go on with my life and struggling every day. I imagine your struggle is even harder. Please have faith in God. He has obviously graced you too, because you weren't able to kill yourself, and you seem to be slowly recovering. You are still here for a reason. Be strong brother.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-01-12T02:38:11+00:00

I took two lives that year

No you didn't. That is almost ridiculous. Not quite ridiculous and believe me, I understand your point and exactly how you feel. However it is simply not true. The pill manufacturers are every bit as at fault as you and they don't sit up at night crying. There are probably dozens of people who share your guilt. You are responsible for one life, your own and it is yours to live for the rest of your life.

If suicide were even a permanent solution to a temporary problem I could understand it- but it is not a solution at all. It leaves behind devastation and wreckage in its wake.

Thanks for this post. Suicide is never the answer.

suske127 · 2017-01-12T08:36:03+00:00

Hey there, brother.

Personally, TRP stuck with me because It promises to teach you how to have a will; over yourself and others. Before coming here, I was always the follower - no matter how much I wanted to be a leader. After all of the reading I've done here, self-improvement, and practicing much of what is preached in this online community, I have become able to control others, when I want to/need to. I have become able to lead and not just follow. I've become "a man"

Now, I do what I want to do, not what others want me to do. That's what TRP has done for me.

I fear a bit because I think if I were in your situation, after finding TPR, I would have said "I do what I fucking want cause I'm a man" - and pulled the trigger.

I hope that in finding this community you have become able to exert your own will over the earth and other humans, like I have learned to do. It's a gift to be able to make change, especially in your liking.

However, I hope if you never get to that point of "helplessness" again. I believe with all of my heart that life is pointless. And therefor all of the things we do, say, learn ; all the relationships we create, are pointless. And that's what makes life so fucking awesome

We don't have to do any of it. We choose to. We choose to wake up every day because we only get so many days. We choose to make friends because we will only ever have so many. We choose to learn and improve ourselves because we only get one chance to live. We'll all die eventually. I want to get the most out of my time. And so no matter how bad it gets, I never seriously contemplate taking my own life. Even though it sucks sometimes, it'll end eventually. I'm in no rush to accelerate that end. I've got too much left to accomplish.

I hope my words strike you somehow and help a bit. Moreso I hope you're alright/recovering well. Keep kicking ass bro and remember that eve though we're mostly assholes, this community is here for you

Woujo · 2017-01-11T23:41:03+00:00

That really sucks man. I know it's cold comfort to know, but you've dealt with the worst, so any success you muster in life will be all the more impressive given your adversity. I've had some adversity in my life too (nothing like what you are facing) and I'm way proud for being where I am than other people in my position.

hulksmash1991 · 2017-01-12T00:01:41+00:00

The best way to describe suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem because no matter what is going on in your life it can always change.

TooManyRappers · 2017-01-12T01:12:56+00:00

Sorry i dont mean to come off as rude, but i dont understand the bit of having taken 2 lives if you "wanted" the abortion at first? I am aware they are not mutually exclusive but it still sounds like an odd way to put it.

Again, i apologise and i am glad youre focused on improving yourself

KittyMittenz · 2017-01-12T03:17:00+00:00

Thanks for sharing man. Everyone has their battles and demons, some have it worse than others.

This is a very humble reminder to me that no matter what I've gone through, someone else has gone through worse, and they can heal too. Me and 500+ other people thank you for taking the courage to share your story.

lepel74 · 2017-01-12T04:35:18+00:00

I have been where you are now brother many years ago, I lost a girlfriend and an unborn child. In my case I was a foreigner in foreign country and moved to there to be with her and the baby. But I lost them to tragedy. And pretty much I had to come over it alone.

I can only express i truly feel you , i know what your talking about. I can guarantee you one thing time heals , be patient. Man up dont sucumb to alcohol or substance abuse it will only make it worse. In my case coping this tradegy made me a better man , let that be your goal be an even better man then you are now.

I feel so sad now... Just dont give up.

MrChillBroBaggins · 2017-01-12T04:48:42+00:00

Thanks man this is a big help for all of us who are currently struggling. I know what rock bottom does to a man, so I'm glad you are adjusting and I wish the best for you and yours!

Cardonish · 2017-01-12T07:41:14+00:00

As someone who has attempted suicide - looking back, I can see it was, yes, in part a cry for attention, a way to try and escape what I was feeling - but ultimately, I think, there were also strong elements of selfishness and narcissism behind it, as well.

In some respects, suicide represents one final act by a damaged individual to further hurt those who love them most, and those who want the best for them.

But nothing is ever black or white in this world, or red or blue, and I won't, nor do I think you'd believe it anyway, tell you that you are totally blameless, but it sounds like you need to forgive yourself, which will take time - and it honestly sounds like you know this and are pretty far along in that venture.

We can talk about self-improvement and a mission all day, but in reality, much of what happens to us is out of control. We are all riders in the turbulent river of life. Sometimes it will flow uncontrollably, and the best we can do is to try and build the best ship we can, and steer it the best way we know how. But we are still at the whims of the uncontrollable flow, and to think otherwise would be madness.

It sounds like you are closer to enjoying the ride a little more these days, and I salute you for it.

TrueFacets · 2017-01-12T10:18:27+00:00

Remember stoicism - you cannot change a person. The only thing you can do is change yourself. And by changing yourself you can influence how you are perceived and acted upon by others.

It is however not you responsibility to carry all the weight and all the blame for everyone who is suffering in the world.

You were close to her and your decision probably had some influence on the tragic outcome BUT you are not responsible for the problems which led to your decision.

Hedonistic society and the neglect to teach you and her discipline and restraint by our parents caused the problems, not you.

what do I know? nothing, I don't know how you feel or how you should or should't deal with the situation. You probably had no evil intentions, so I would recommend to do and behave in a way that you think is right, so you can walk with a clear conscience from here on out and focus on building a better future for you and the people in your vicinity. So that you are a person others like to be around.

It's either this or death. And death is, as you correctly recognised, harming your dearest. The last option is ending in self pity and alcohol yourself but that's like killing yourself, just slower.

I cannot even imagine how hard your situation must be, I wish you all the strength in the world!

EDIT: a little addition, I remember reading a serious study about nostalgia. The super short is: "It's a trap". Humans tend to pedestalize and romanticise the past. And people in the past too. She had real problems back then, and maybe you too. So to at least some degree its her own fault aswell, she was not an innocent angel.

infiniteslinky · 2017-01-11T23:48:03+00:00

Jesus dude. What a horrible thing to go through, but what an awesome outcome. I have been to pretty serious lows, and have come out the other side much as you have. I am glad there are some success stories of guys out there that make it. Women aren't that important, and when you realize that there is a lot more left to live for out there, you can get started living, and just maybe then you'll get some Vagina on the side as a little added bonus. Keep keeping on, you're going to be great - better than you ever were some day.

Buchloe · 2017-01-11T23:51:58+00:00

Holy shit man. Be proud. You could have gone any direction, and you chose to take positive action when you could have destroyed your life over these things. Thank you for posting.

SirSubwayeisha · 2017-01-12T02:00:24+00:00

Best thing I read all day. I'm happy you stayed with bro.

curiously_crazy · 2017-01-12T02:20:06+00:00

You've sorted hinted at it in the sentence "You have an opportunity to find a mission in life and really live your fucking life." but to put it another way, when suicidal there is no way to go but up.

Look at it as a chance to do whatever the hell you want, If one is already contemplating suicide might as well get out and about with a death wish rather than do it yourself. It's the ultimate IDGAF attitude because by not caring about living or dying then by extension you don't care about anything.

Use the weakness and turn it into power.

Cheers for the post mate.

sunshine_machine · 2017-01-12T02:45:38+00:00

I am really glad you've made it here. Internalizing all of this will not be fun at times most of the time but carving the boy out of the man includes the pain. The beauty is the journey and being able to see what mistakes you've made is the reason you're here in the first place. Grieve for a day and then get going.

trippinallday · 2017-01-12T06:07:54+00:00

Agree with everything you posted but the "try medication" part.

There's no medication that can cure your sadness or solve your issue, it just masks it only for it to come back twice as bad one you get off it.

Unfortunately the only way you're going to recover from bad times is facing them head on. Dissociating with drug/alcohol abuse or prescription anti-depressants only prolongs the issue.

Schmoarndi · 2017-01-12T06:27:52+00:00

My respect! And my honest condolences.

To me, you didn't take two lifes - if this was a well thought through decision there is nothing wrong with it. People decide to abort every day and a lot of the time it is better for the unborn child!

When me and my girlfriend got together we also talked about children. Back then and right now (I study and she is an apprentice) we don't want, can't afford and don't need children. So that's we are using very effective contraception and we both agree that if she gets pregnant she will have an abortion. It wasn't and still isn't a easy decision but we both know it is better that way.

About the second "life": there are things you have no control over and you definitely didn't push her for suicide in my opinion.

I have so much respect for your will to live even though you struggle - it is worth it! Things will get even better!

Also: not wanting a partner or not wanting to fuck women doesn't make you any less TRP. It's about the mindset and oh boy ... Your mindset is beyond basic TRP! Kudos and keep going

drunksaver · 2017-01-12T06:45:36+00:00

Just wanted to say I've been close like you have. I didn't go through with it either because I didn't want to hurt my family and loved ones. Thanks for sharing your story.

Marcuskb91 · 2017-01-12T07:01:52+00:00

You should delete your post history.

StinkyDogFarts · 2017-01-12T08:48:50+00:00

Damn bro. Bottom is bottom. At least you're creating your new foundation on solid rock, right? Don't torture yourself on what would have been. You have to deal with NOW, you need to be present and you need to let go. You need to work. Work on yourself, work on your community, work on your career, just work. Create. Find something beyond the emptiness you feel, it will fill you.

sickofallofyou · 2017-01-12T09:34:11+00:00

Punch the heavy bag until the pain stops.

Oz70NYC · 2017-01-12T13:19:26+00:00

I can't even begin to fathom that level of loss. You are a testament to the true definition of a man. To suffer that level of loss, near give into you grief, but realize taking the easy way out would hurt more people...and owning up to the responsibility of living on. That takes courage on a level very few can comprehend. You are a true inspiration. I hope you find happiness in your journey my friend.

Sir_Distic · 2017-01-12T16:41:25+00:00

Who's to say now that red pill can't help you fix yourself?

That's some deep shit man. Best of wishes.

RemyPrice · 2017-01-12T21:22:53+00:00

If you need to chat (whether you're feeling low or not) give me a call.

Shoot me a PM and I'll send you my number.

Theunforgiven193 · 2017-01-13T14:37:23+00:00

A friend of mine once said that he was standing on the edge of a bridge (abusive parent) and made a deal with himself: I'll give it five years and then I'll see if I still want to do it.

To me that was very powerfull and I've used it multiple times. (Not that I made multiple attempts)

He is now in a high end job banging every hb7+ he can find. And he said to me he's really happy that he didn't do it.

[deleted] · 2017-02-08T20:34:44+00:00

you deserve my gold! geniuesly written, so true. people need to focus on the most important things in life, its not all about girls-pussy-ass

dk2003 · 2017-01-11T19:39:58+00:00

I can't imagine what you went through but I am even more proud that you bounce back. Thank you for sharing your story. It was inspirational.

DevilishRogue · 2017-01-11T22:12:02+00:00

The pain still sounds too fresh from what you wrote for me to write the home truths as brutally as I normally would, but suffice to say you did the right thing by encouraging her to have an abortion - anyone unstable enough to relapse and kill themselves by OD'ing is not parent material and would in all likelihood have made the child's life nasty, brutish and short too. Better what happened than a few years down the line she has custody, you're paying child support but futilely trying to see your kid and you read in the paper how she drowned the child and then killed herself on a binge. This was never going to end well but it ended a lot less badly than it could have.

Well done for dealing with the situation. It isn't easy, I'm sure. And well done for writing this down to help others. I'm certain that wasn't easy either.

akkyle23 · 2017-01-12T06:34:16+00:00

There's been a lot of good things written here, but after seeing your post Need to chime in.

Your taking responsibility for another persons action.

Stop it. One of the core tenants here is that you can only control your actions and reactions. What she did was her choice. She made it, not you.

I'm glad you found TRP, and I hope the you can embrace this truth. That's the red pill that sets you free.

orestis_prs · 2017-01-16T19:39:30+00:00

Thank you for this post man. I totally appreciate it.

LordThunderbolt · 2017-01-11T22:30:36+00:00

You didn't take any lives my man. If the child was a foetus with no brain yet, it's still just an egg. Also, you're not responsible for anyone's emotional response but your own. It was her choices in life as a free adult woman that led to her spiraling down the path that a lot of addicts end up at.

A junkie will do what a junkie will do. A woman will do what a woman will do. A human will do what a human will do. She was responsible for her own actions and chose to react the way she felt most comfortable reacting, by medicating.

Now I don't know what your value is or if you're a bum yourself, but you have to learn to not associate with certain types of people aka hard cases. She would've ODed with or without your opinion because the pills to her were her safe haven. Independently of you, the human that lost her life understood her choices and the consequences of her practices. She was already at a threshold, there was nothing u could do about it. Pretty much any strong emotional stimulant would've led her down that path, or a culmination of minor emotional stimulants would've eventually led her to OD.

Wipe your hands clean, forgive yourself, and realize that it was a blessing.

Daxxipro1804 · 2017-01-11T20:29:17+00:00

It takes a lot to share this experience with the internet. Positivity from here on out. You got this man.

mikesteane · 2017-01-12T08:43:53+00:00

To anyone thinking of suicide: DON'T.

[deleted] · 2017-01-12T02:04:31+00:00

There's something that gives me this testosterone rush about "being an empty shell of a person."

Kind of like being a sociopath. Lol.

amateur_acrobat · 2017-01-12T03:17:37+00:00

I just finished my first semester in college. In that time I fell pretty hard for a girl; she was an amazing human being to say the least. She died a few weeks before the end of the semester in a weather related car accident. Losing someone you love isn't ever easy, and you're absolutely right about there being nothing left. Improvement or death is the only way forward after that kind of emptiness. Thanks for posting this.

Horus_Krishna_5 · 2017-01-11T21:01:10+00:00

But she was mine

I hope this doesn't come off as disrespectful, but she died before Chad could come along.

I think it's a dead people fallacy to think they were frozen in time at their point of death and thus they could do no further wrong.

throwawayguy151 · Thu Jan 12 0:17:05 2017 UTC

thank you for this post. i am around where you are

sd4c · 2017-01-12T08:46:16+00:00

From what OP said, she cheated on him.

Good riddance. May she burn in hell.

Esthermont · 2017-01-11T22:43:49+00:00

As much as I'd like to remember her smiling and laughing, I dream of her cold hands and twisted face.

Wtf dude?! Get help, you sound depressed and this is fucking hilarious. It's like poetry

Fosbret · 2017-01-11T21:46:57+00:00

This is not specifically directed at you OP, but a statement that applies to all men in general.

Don't fuck if you can't take its natural outcome, I am no 'pro-life' nut, but I can't imagine the thought of wanting to kill my own child, that is the sign of a degenerate society.

I had my first kid when I was in my 20s, manned up and raised him well, left his mother long ago though.

CreamiestCream · 2017-01-12T01:15:19+00:00

a trend of depressed guys asking what to do next

These are called pussies and this subreddit is crawling with them. Validation seeking is the hallmark of the Beta.

try medication

Another way of saying "I can't handle my problems in a constructive way so I'll take the coward's way out"

Lift hard

No RP post would be complete without this tedious mantra.

Go back to school for something

Aye, become a conformist! Give your money to an institution in exchange for assigned readings and arbitrary tests!

ex_addict_bro · 2017-01-12T13:56:00+00:00

What the fuck did I just read.

Dude, if you ever want to kill yourself JUST DO IT. Stop attention whoring. But you did, now you do it with a post like this.

Just do it. Less competition for me.

Title	After the death of my child and girlfriend, improvement is all I've got left.
Author	FerociousOreos
Upvotes	1273
Comments	117
Date	11 January 2017 07:20 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	TheRedPill
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/39899
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/5ne66j/after_the_death_of_my_child_and_girlfriend/