Older Men, Younger Women

So I’ve gotten a few PMs about this when it pops up in my comments and so I’m doing a top-level post about it.

I am and older [49M] man who prefers the company of younger women [20sF] in terms of romantic partners.1 I like what I like. Sue me. If an older woman can sell the “cougar” bit to a younger man, then good for her. It’s a free country, and everyone cuts their own deal.

Anyway, for guys who are similarly situated, or for younger guys who want to be similarly situated when they are older, I can advise as follows:

When a man looks at a woman, her SMV in his eyes is largely - basically entirely - dependent on her facial and body symmetry, her waist-to-hips ratio and whether she has long hair or not, because you can tell a lot about a woman’s health by the length and condition of her hair.2 “That law degree looks so sexy on you!” said No Man Ever. Don’t like it? Go argue with God, the Universe, Aliens, whomever.

When a woman looks at a man, his SMV in her eyes includes his physical attractiveness, but also includes other things such as intelligence, confidence, status, etc., all of which is lucky for me.

Now, as a man ages, he will still have more and generally better options if he keeps fit, of course. But that's not 100% of the game.

The Important Bit

Really there are 3 types of young women:

A. Those that only want a man near their own age, and the thought of a guy more than four years older is “grody" or whatever the kids say. That’s fine, they are perfectly entitled to their preferences just as we are to ours, and you will NOT be getting girls from this group. Maybe as a one-off, but generally, it ain’t happenin’. And that’s fine.

B. Those that prefer a man near their own age, but are open to an older man. These girls can be fun, but in general, relations with them will be short term and then they (or you) will wander off. They can also cause problems, however unintentionally, if you mistake them for women from the third group.

C. Those girls that actively prefer an older lover. It is on this group that we will focus.

The girls in that third group have to keep their preferences quiet because the girls in the first group shame them for it. So the trick for older men, at least those that prefer Sweet Young Things 3, is to learn the signs to distinguish the girls in the third group from those in the second. You just have to watch for it, and the signs will appear.

The Signs

Everything will be 20% more pronounced. Her eyes will linger 20% longer, she's more likely to look down (showing submission) and will do so sooner. She is more likely to blush. She will seem a bit more into you that you would otherwise expect, and she will keep trying, shyly, to give you an opening. She will find herself lingering in your presence. You may find yourself thinking, “This seems is too easy.” Of course it does; she’s plowing the road for you.4

How do I know? This group of girls is "Home" for me. Along with tall girls, introverted girls, submissive girls and feminine girls. Actually, very often, there’s a lot of overlap with these traits.

Girls in this group are fond of order, structure, and ritual. They like calm. Maybe they had an absent father and they Want a Daddy. It’s a cliché, but it has some basis in truth. Maybe she had a strict father, or an older father, and a “male led” relationship is her “comfort zone”. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what is.

As an older man, your job is to LEAD and hers is to follow. Her preference will be to defer to your (wise) judgment. She likes you because you are a Known Quantity. She doesn’t have to wait and find out if you’re going to be successful or not, because you already are.5 You are also less likely to get emotional – particularly angry – and more likely to calmly solve problems, or know how to avoid them in the first place, because you have experience in life and your shit is wired tight.

But you have to be able to read the signs.

Ex. Years ago, before I had my 'Older Man' game completely down, I was at a wedding reception after party, hanging out at the bar, chatting with a group of younger folks. One by one they wandered off, except a tall, shy girl. At some point, I realized, “Oh, right. Group C" and suggested we decamp to somewhere more private (e.g. my hotel room), to which she said something that, on the subtextual level, meant “I thought you'd never ask!"

That's the thing about this group. You need to Solve the Puzzle to Win the Prize.

What About Shaming?

Expect it. Don’t believe me? Google “older men and younger women” and you will get pages of it. Pages and Pages of Dirty, Dirty Shame. When someone tries to shame you, it is Your Job As A Man to Shut That Shit Down Like It’s Fukushima, whether it comes from post-WallSPLAT! hags, jealous younger men, or Group A chicks.

With post-WallHellToTheSPLAT! hags, any older guy dating, mating and plating younger girls means one less man in their cohort, where quality men are at a premium. Even if a woman is married to Billy Beta, she will more likely than not Support The Spinsterhood Sisterhood! Besides, she doesn’t need you giving Billy Beta any ideas about dumping her and replacing her with a younger model, even if it’s on a “monkey see, monkey do” basis.

Younger guys with One-itis for the girl you are getting can try to puff themselves up and AMOG you, but that shit is easily handled.

Ex. Back in my Dirty 30s, I was driving down to Virginia and stopped off in DC where I knew a lovely, willing 20 y.o. She had just been there about two weeks (summer break) and was in a house share situation and one of the guys she was living with had developed major One-itis for her. He was drunk when I arrived, and it went bad. He tried to AMOG me, and I drove a shiv through his heart - ”Hmm. I remember my first beer.” She giggled and he lost his shit. I spirited her off to an unknown destination to do Uncle Vasya things with her. He woke up hung over and I woke up next to her.

Tip for Younger Guys: Your day with Group C girls will come. In the meantime, you should be Thinking Horizontally, Not Vertically and be off gaming multiple women, not getting One-itis for a that One Special GirlTM who isn’t into you.

Where Shit Goes Wrong

If you accidentally wife up a chick from Group 2, who basically fucked up what she wanted. Or you wifed up a Gold Digger.

Or you let your Confidence go wobbly.6

Pro Tips

  1. Suit up. For a woman, a man in a well turned out suit is the same as a woman in lovely lingerie is for a man. Do I need to tell you not to try to dress in baggy, boy band or fake rapper-type clothes? No, of course not.

  2. You lead, she follows. Taking her out? She needs to know two things.7 Tell her the dress code, even it if is, “I will be wearing {X}, so dress as women do when men are wearing {X},” and the time you will be picking her up. Tell her to be ready.

  3. Play to your strengths. You are the wily old fox. You can show her things she will be seeing For The First Time, in places where Timmy and Simon back at the dorm cannot follow.

  4. Don't Make Unforced Errors. No ‘dad jokes’ or Aloha shirts. It’s not a good look.

TL;DR: Young women who dig older men can be fun.

Further Reading:

Life After 30: How to Be an Old Guy

-You have one life. Here's how to enjoy it.

Uncle Vasya’s Guide On Dating Models

-You Landed a 10. How to keep her in line.

Uncle Vasya’s Guide to Submissive Women

-How to lead when she wants to follow.

Of Human Bondage – Uncle Vasya’s Guide for Men Who Like To Tie Up Young Ladies.

-The Field Guide to playing knotty games with naughty girls.

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1 As you might imagine, there are some people, primarily women who are post-WallSPLAT! but also sometimes jealous young men who don’t like it when and older man catches the fancy of an attractive younger woman.

2 Because…Darwin.

3 I only use 100% real cheese.

4 Unless you’re in Vegas. In that case, oddly, all bets are off.

5 ”A-HAH!” cries the jealous old hag post-WallSPLAT! woman, ”GOOOOOLD DIGGERRRRR!!!” This is, of course, a variation of “shaming”. To whose disadvantage does the Older Man + Younger Woman coupling work? You should be able to name that tune in one note.

6 That’s 100% real cheese.

7 I’m assuming a minimum level of competence, so I trust you will have pre-screened for food allergies and other weirdness, etc.