Knowing the annihilation method, the apocalypse opener, and the hand of god (those are all real btw) is super cool. But until you’ve conquered approach anxiety, techniques, tactics, and routines are fairly meaningless.

 

When I go out I don’t meet men who need more complex stratagems, I meet men who need to overcome their approach anxiety.

 

So many men spend most of their nights analyzing why they aren’t approaching women. They try to figure out why they are stuck in their head- but this only worsens their anxiety!

 

They could easily have a fun night if they just took a few steps and actually met women.

 

Clarity

 

Approach anxiety can feel crippling, it can feel like an insurmountable obstacle. But, with a measured, rational approach, it can be overcome.

 

The first time I went to my local University’s campus with the intention to meet girls, me and my friend walked around for five hours and didn’t talk to a single person.

 

We made a common mistake: we didn’t have a specific and reasonable goal. Our goal was just to approach girls.

 

Specific pass/fail goals create what psychologists create bright lines, which make success much more likely.

 

Psychologists Chip and Dan Heath, authors of the acclaimed book, Switch made the point elegantly when they said, “We’re all loophole exploiting lawyers when it comes to our own self-control.” An ambiguous goal is a goal that’s easy to rationalize your way out of.

 

Setting a clear goal isn’t going to magically get rid of your anxiety, but it will focus you and help you align your thoughts with your actions.

 

Be Realistic

 

A clear goal isn’t enough, it must be realistic. You need to stretch your comfort zone, but if you stretch yourself too far, you will flood yourself with stress and anxiety.

 

If you’ve never approached a girl and you set a goal to approach 5 girls with a direct line, like “Hey, I thought you were cute and I had to introduce myself.” You’re going to put way too much pressure on yourself.

 

I did this a couple years ago, I hadn’t done a single daytime approach for several months, but I had in the past, so I told myself I should dive right in and approach girls by saying I thought they were cute.

 

I walked around the campus telling myself I should approach one girl after the next, but I didn’t. I kept making excuses because that direct of an approach was too far out of my comfort zone.

 

I hadn’t approached a girl in the day in a long time, and I needed to build up to a point where I could open so assertively. I walked around for an hour a day for several days without approaching any girls before realizing I needed to take a step back.

 

I changed course and approached with an indirect opener (which was much easier for me), and afterwards I built up to a more direct approach.

 

If you’ve never approached a girl before, you don’t even need to set a goal to approach women yet. Set a goal to go out for a certain amount of time. If you’re new to this, setting a goal to approach can feel overwhelming.

 

This was the mistake I made, when I was sixteen I read The Game by Neil Strauss, and I was inspired, so I went to the mall to approach some women. My goal was simply to ask people for directions. But even this was terrifying for me. After several hours of scurrying around the mall with extreme anxiety, I returned home without having completed my goal. It was months before I made another attempt.

 

If I had more realistic expectations of myself, my progress would have been exponentially faster. If you haven’t cold approached women recently, set a goal of going to a venue with attractive women, but don’t expect to do any approaches on your first few attempts.

 

Start small, fifteen or thirty minutes a day (of course you can stay longer if you decide you want to). This gives you the opportunity to get comfortable with putting yourself in a hectic social environment (Nightclub, bar, mall, university campus)

 

Now, just because you don’t have to do approaches, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do so if you feel inspired to. This is what tends to happen, if you set an easy goal, you eventually feel inspired to go beyond that minimum goal, but when you set a goal that’s too far outside your comfort zone, you will start to feel weighed down by your unrealistic expectations.

 

Step-by-step

 

Take baby-steps. Approaching women directly can be anxiety provoking, but you don’t have to start there.

 

The first step is to get moving. One of the most common mistakes guys make is to stand around talking about game in a group. Motion creates emotion, it can even help to move around the environment a bit faster than normal to get your energy flowing.

 

Any time you feel approach anxiety, ask yourself, “What is the easiest step I could take towards approaching.” The answer is usually going to be: start moving. You don’t need a particular destination, just start walking around the venue, it’s a small step towards approaching, and each small step you take, puts you one step closer to approaching a woman.

 

Afterwards, interact with people in ways that won’t trigger much social anxiety.

 

You can start by asking people directions (to a store, restaurant, etc). This gives you plausible deniability (if you approach a woman this way you’re not hitting on her, just politely asking directions). Approaching indirectly acts as a crutch, you’re still leaving your comfort zone by talking to someone, but it’s much easier than walking up to a girl and telling her she’s cute.

 

After you become comfortable with asking for directions, you can approach with something a bit more vulnerable. When I experience approach anxiety, I say, “Hi, I have social anxiety, and I’m trying to get over my anxiety by introducing myself to strangers. I’m (your name).”

 

This is great at helping you reduce your anxiety because it’s so honest, and after you do this a few times, you may feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Additionally, many people will actually connect with you on your social anxiety and this can lead to a good, genuine conversation.

 

If you’re afraid that’s too ‘cringe’, then feel free to skip it.

 

The next step is to approach semi-directly. You can approach simply by introducing yourself, “Hi, I’m (name)” after you’re comfortable with the previous line. Memorize the following questions so you don’t have to worry about having nothing to say:

 

What do you do? Where are you from? What do you do for fun?

 

These questions aren’t going to make the most stimulating conversation possible, but it alleviates some anxiety to know you have a contingency plan.

 

Once you get comfortable with introducing yourself, you can approach directly by saying, “I thought you were cute and I had to say hi.”

 

Goal Blueprint

 

Set a specific, measurable goal that you think is achievable. If you think it’s going to take 2 weeks before you can do even a very indirect approach, set a goal to go out every day for two weeks for fifteen minutes (without requiring yourself to do approaches).

 

If you have more experience, you might set a goal to do three approaches a day for five days, and then set a goal to do more. This is important, whenever you complete a goal, create a new one that’s progressively more ambitious, it’s an extremely effective way to avoid plateauing.

 

Set a reminder for your goal on your calendar app of choice, it’s harder to neglect a goal when you’re reminded of it each day.

 

Write it down

 

Start by writing out the specific parameters of what means success with your goal.

 

Then write down why you want to accomplish this goal, writing a goal down is helpful because of what psychologist Robert Cialdini calls commitment and consistency, (link at bottom of page for example), when we write something down, it causes us to be more likely to be consistent with that goal. (Especially if you share it, I’ll explain how you can do that soon)

 

Write out your goal. Here’s a template you can use as an example: What: Go out for 15 minutes each day in an environment with attractive women. Approach one woman within 2 weeks by asking her for directions.

 

Why: I’ve struggled with women my entire life. I’ve always been on the sidelines wondering what could have been. I’m tired of letting my fears control me, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to overcome them and to actually connect with women.

 

Now, if you want to get some more leverage to complete your goal, post what you want to accomplish in the comment section, and update it each day, and although it may sound trite, upvotes your comments get can be very motivating.

 

Momentum

 

Go out at least 15 minutes every day, each consecutive day you go out, your social anxiety will decrease, and over time approaching will feel totally natural, it won’t even require conscious effort. If you only go out on Friday and Saturday, your momentum resets during the remainder of the week. And each Friday, you’re back where you’re started.

 

The more days you go out per week the better. But each day is by far the best option, and no matter how much Netflix bingeing you do, you can make time to go out for 15 minutes per day.

 

If you want to create some additional leverage, use the website created by Harvard psychologists, Stickk.com With stickk.com you create a commitment contract for a goal of your choosing.

 

Afterwards, you put up stakes, namely, money. If you fail the goal, a charity (or anti-charity) of your choice will get the money that you put on the line. This creates a powerful incentive. I’ve used the site to accomplish some absurd goals (like losing 4% body fat in a month).

 

Set a goal appropriate goal to your experience level and take disciplined action towards that goal each day, and your results are guaranteed.

 

It may take a matter of weeks as opposed to days to overcome your anxiety, but freeing yourself of the burden of approach anxiety would be worth any amount of effort.

 

Check out my blog: https://tpsychnation.com/

 

Master the Game book: https://www.amazon.com/Master-Game-Practical-Abundant-Dating-ebook/dp/B06XV14VDN

 

YouTube: (https://youtu.be/sC_FgKUqN2w)

Commitment and Consistency (pg 52 for specific example: https://mafhom.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/influence.pdf