You see that gorgeous girl with the long legs, the short skirt, the flowing hair, and you freeze. You desperately want to talk to her, but you can’t, “she’s too hot. She’s out of your fucking league, and you’re terrified. But have you wondered what it is that you’re really scared of?

Whenever a girl makes you especially neurotic or nervous it’s because of what she represents to you. The hot girl isn’t just a hot girl, she’s the dragon you want to slay to complete your hero’s journey. She’s a symbol of personal achievement, if you fuck her, then you’ve made it pal.

I knew a girl who was my perfect 10. I considered her to be out of my league in every possible way. She was smarter than me, more charismatic than me, and much too hot for me. Excited to show off (brag), I showed pictures of her to my friends expecting them to validate me by saying, “Damn, she’s hot, I get why she makes you so nervous.” Not one of my friends said anything remotely like that, one even said, “Yeah, she’s a solid 7, that’s cool.” I was frustrated, even hurt, by this lukewarm response. My perfect girl was just a normal, cute girl to everyone else.

But to me, she was a symbol of personal achievement. Because of this, when I slept with her I was ecstatic, and I made sure to tell everyone about it. Then, when I realized she was never going to see me again, I got depressed for weeks (I even avoided the club I met her in). Rejection from her meant I wasn’t good enough, it was an insult to my ego.
But you know what? If any other girl had done that (and back in the day, this happened quite a bit), I wouldn’t have cared much. Because only this ‘perfect 10’ represented something special to me, other women were cool, but sleeping with them wasn’t a big deal, nor was getting rejected by them. We all have an ideal woman, the kind of girl we got ‘into the game’ for, and when we meet this girl, we freak the fuck out (unless we have rock-solid self-esteem).

Deep down, we want our dream girl so we can show her off- we want validation; some of us want it less than others, but no one’s immune to this universal human desire. We feel that if we get with our perfect girl we’ll have proof that that we ‘made it’. And because it means so much, because it’s such a big deal to our self-esteem, our ego, our very identity- everything is on the line with her.

That’s why when we talk to that ‘perfect 10’ we act more like we just met a dragon guarding treasure, and less like we met a flawed human being.

“That’s cool”, you think, “But how do I get her?”

Here’s the problematic catch-22, you will never get her until you realize she isn’t that special (and if you do, she’ll probably hurt you). Getting her won’t make you feel better about yourself in the long-term, and although she’s a girl who you can have a good time with and connect with, getting with her is not going to change you.

And once you realize she isn’t special, you won’t want her that much. You’ll want her about as much as you want a normal, cute girl, and you’ll get about as much from sleeping with ‘your 10’ as you would from sleeping with a normal, cute girl. It’ll be fun, nothing more, nothing less.

It is what it is, and you can get these girls, but not until you build some hardcore self-awareness. You must be open to the possibility that your motivation to get ‘high quality’ women might not be what you tell yourself it is. Maybe you do want validation (and maybe that’s okay).

There’s nothing inherently wrong with seeking validation, but it causes you to get in your own way, because when a woman is a source of too much validation, you will feel inferior and powerless. When being approved of by someone becomes a symbol of your worth, you’re not going to present yourself authentically and vulnerably, because there’s too much at stake.

A hot girl doesn’t make you nervous because she’s hot, she makes you nervous because sleeping with her represents a personal victory, and getting rejected by her represents a personal defeat. And until you let down your sword and shield, and see her as ‘just another girl’ you’re never going to get her. To get the fantasy figure, you’ve got to kill the fantasy first.

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