Almost Two Week Update: Fiancée [27/F] went “too far” at bachelorette party. I [28/M] am ready to call it off. People are telling me not to due to “extenuating circumstances” (Progress from Friday)

8,472 points1,113 commentssubmitted by schnozbiscuitsaa to r/relationship_advice

Past PostUpdate Post

Well, it's been like 12 days. The long and the short of it: The truth came out. Wedding has been put on hold while "she gets help" and I am left to pick up the mess and deal with everyone. I need a stiff drink and a vacation.

A lot of people said some things that really struck with me. The photo of the stripper seemed to be odd, and you're right, it made no sense. Why would he take a picture that was so compromising? Why would he risk possible criminal charges if someone felt he went too far? How was he so cavalier? I sat her down and demanded the whole truth. We talked the night that I posted and we talked from 6ish until 3 or 4. We went moment by moment, step by step, and I demanded to know what happened. So, here's what actually happened:

They got together for pre-fun cocktails and dinner but ate very little. They drank and drank and then had a hotel room booked as their base of operation from which they'd change and go to a club then crash at the end of the night. They got to the hotel and everyone was drunk. Instead of cooling their jets, they wanted to have more fun. Two of the bridesmaids suggested getting topless (one is a school teacher and the other is a surgical nurse...) and then my fiancees bright idea? Get high. But on what you might add? Oh, only painkillers she illicitly procured during her mother's final months and had been taking to help deal. Yeah, fucking lovely. My MIL had been on dilaudid, ativan and others. They all popped a pill, finishing the bottle and then the MoH's surprise - a stripper. So, who took the pills and drank? Only my future wife. Yeah, the rest of them realized that was a shit idea and instead just stuck to booze. It's why my fiancee was fall-down dumb and couldn't hold herself together. My fiancee doesn't drink, so I should have connected the dots there. That's on me I guess.

The reality of the stripper is that they jumped around topless, drank and laughed while my fiancee was stoned and drunk. Stripper never fingered her. She kissed him then he kissed her neck and she hugged him but he was clear what the rules were and not only did he not touch her but they are pretty sure he ended things early and left to avoid a problem. The photo was a set-up and she was wearing underwear but not much else. She then admitted she would have fucked the stripper so that I would leave her. She said that she was mad at her mother for declining treatment early on and for her father for not pushing her into treatment earlier. She was mad at the whole situation and she began to take some pills. Then she was mad she was taking the pills and wanted to put distance between us. I couldn't figure out what pills she was taking until it dawned on me: near the end her mother was in pain and they gave her a prescription that made her really sick so another was issued. I thought the pills were destroyed but I guess my fiancee didn't do that - I had no reason to assume she would lie. In the years we've been together/known each other she's drank MAYBE 3 times and been really seriously drunk only once. I didn't think she'd do that.

So, that brings me to the texts. I ask her why, if she would have fucked that guy to hurt me, she didn't want me to know. She explained that she felt horrible guilt, didn't know what to do and realized it wasn't what she wanted and got scared that I was going to find out and leave her. Her MoH, who hired the stripper, wanted me to know about the drugs and thought she could scare her into telling me. Her bridal party were divided all wanted the wedding to proceed but half wanted her to disclose the pills she stole and the others didn't. By this point I didn't know what to do.

I followed advice given her and said we needed to delay the wedding. She began to panic and begged me not to. She started making bizarre fucking suggestions - we could do whatever I wanted for the next year and even offered to let me hit her to get back but begged me not to walk away from us. She then said she had a problem and needed help, Her dad is a nice guy but not emotionally all that available. She said that without me she'd be alone and that despite everything she loved me. That I don't actually doubt, I think she really does love me.

So what happened?

She saw her doctor on Monday who immediately used the words "abuser" and "addict" and strongly recommended blood tests, medical tests and a referral to a psychiatrist. We got the name of the doctor and I guess they move quickly because by the following day she was meeting with the psychiatrist. He recommended different types of therapy. We had a "group meeting" and he's said my wife is absolutely an addict - she was using the prescription pills and alcohol and my fiance admitted she had been drinking on the sly for some time. She's taken a leave from her work and is in group therapy sessions, meeting with a psychologist and recuperating by focusing on diet, exercise and self-improvement. We're down to one salary (mine) and absolutely cannot afford extras, so the wedding is currently on hold.

This meant that I had to have very uncomfortable conversations with everyone, including my family, her family and our friends. Her father talked to me and told me that he feels terrible. He knows he has trouble being emotionally available and said that he wasn't really there for his daughter and felt horrible. My parents are well-to-do and helped with some bills that unexpectedly came in and have been helping a lot with everything. My fiancee has been going to my parent's house to work with my mother on gardening and to do other things around the house. The bridal party & maid of honor came to meet with me and bought me breakfast. They admitted that they suspected she had been taking the pills as she was a little looser with them and felt that the bachelorette party was a huge mistake. She drank way too much and they didn't stop her. I thanked them for their apology but said I didn't know what to say. They just offered their apologies and said that I was a great guy.

The long-and-the-short of it is we're not sleeping in the same room. We aren't having sex. We are right now in this weird healing phase. Her team has recommended I see individual therapy which I haven't yet had the time to do. A lot of bills have come in and we've delayed the wedding - no rest for the wicked, I guess. My parents have been absolutely wonderful in all of this.

Fiancee and I are in a weird place. She's overly nice and sympathetic. Since she's home, she cooks a lot more, focuses on tasks around the house and has been working hard on exercising. She submits to drug tests and we have a BACTrack if I'm concerned she's drinking. I'm a lot more aware of what's going on. She's attended a secular sobriety organization and meets with them. She's in group therapy and individual therapy.

I kind of feel like I got shat on again and don't have a next move planned. People keep telling me to watch out for myself, but I'm not sure what to do.

So that's what happened. I'm stunned and confused. Turns out people can really surprise you, and not always in a good way. I still love her and depending on how things go, we'll see about getting back to a place where we can think about a wedding. For now, I'm going to eat some bacon and try to enjoy the weekend.