Don't allow people to disrespect you when you've made a mistake.

In society there's this concept we all somewhat adhere to - We keep a running tally in our head of people who are misbehaving (rude, lazy, late, absent, doing something illegal) and we decide at least temporarily that their opinion is of lesser value. People who are behaving properly, working hard that day, being nice, or just first ones to speak up, get a higher value assigned to their ideas. We do mental accounting math to figure out if we should give a shit about someone. The recentness of good behavior or bad behavior amplifies this. In extreme cases, people who make a big, recent mistake, are completely cast aside, and people who've done something really great, suddenly become powerful and everyone listens to them. This is a dangerous mindset to have, and provides FAKE , temporary value, and can cause manipulation. You can repay any debt you feel you owe, after the dust has settled, on your own rational terms, if you choose to do so.

 

Example 1 : Someone walks in very late to a meeting. It is assumed they they should shut up and accept everything everyone else wants them to do, until a lot of time has passed or they've turned it around with compensatory good behavior. If that person rude to you while giving instructions, you should just take it because you were late. "You're their bitch for the next hour because you fucked up."

 

Example 2: You suck at doing a particular task. It's assumed that you should let more competent people lead and direct you without much fuss, possibly even being their gopher.

 

Example 3: Someone is in a vulnerable state e.g. they've just been injured, verbally abused by someone or, just started crying. It's assumed anyone who bothers them or interferes with them getting care, is immediately a dick. Society expects you to bend over , at least temporarily, and not add any additional discomfort to this person. This can happen by proxy: someone decides they will assign a bunch of work to you under the rationalization that they represent someone who is ill.

 

Example 4: Dealing with a mentally challenged person (either through health or acquired stupidity) who doesn't understand how conversations work and use up a lot of your time. Convention dictates that you're supposed to be extra nice to them.

 

These examples are all an incorrect response in frame management. Folding to pressure under the guise of compassion or mistake-compensation is a terrible idea. You will not score points for your meekness or compensatory adherence. It can be appropriate to let others take some control when you've made a mistake, especially briefly for the dust to settle, but often this becomes disproportionate manipulation. It's never okay to let others disrespect you when you're "wrong", especially in unrelated, tangential matters. "You were late so your opinion on how to chop wood efficiently isn't important today" is a ridiculous, rationalization - yet this is how people think.

 

This mindset of keeping track of who made mistakes today, and who's a dick, and who's been working hard recently is tedious, toxic and utterly useless. It rewards behaviors that may have no merit of their own. If you decide to go out drinking and wake up at 3pm, you don't have to "make up" for it by doing all the house work for that day. You "make up" for it by your intrinsic value as a person: you're a competent, useful, compassionate, powerful human being who's value stands by itself with how you live your life, not with what you've done in the last 12 hours or 12 minutes. If you feel you "owe someone", repay the debt on your terms. Being trampled by others on after you fucked up does NOT constitute a social debt repayment.

 

Similarly, a incompetent person who shows up early or does something nice, is still an incompetent person. They should not be handed control of a meeting or interaction.

 

A competent, powerful person continues his frame of work or living as normal after a very brief , and often optional "compassion time". If doctor walks in 5 minutes late, do you think that entitles you to manipulate him and tell him how to do his job? No. Powerful people continue to set the frame of interactions, even after they've fucked up. They can apologize and even compensate you in some form but they never give the other person control.

 

Another example of people who don't let "who's the bigger dick" mental accounting run their life: "free spirits" that don't have anxiety. They talk or fart loudly in public and then forget it happened after 6 seconds. They don't mind asking strangers for stuff. In their mind, they don't owe anyone anything after committing a social faux-pas . They aren't necessarily powerful people; but they've learned that it's much better to live life without keeping track of who's a dick and who's not for every micro-interaction throughout their day. As long as they don't go overboard (e.g. becoming chronically loud, exhausting extroverts with no consideration for other people), they get what they need, and they have no anxiety problems, and they take action in their life.

 

A mindset of keeping focus on what's important, instead focusing on who is being rude, helps powerful people and free-spirits stay away from "white-glove" , politically correct, red-tape jobs and environments. They hate these things automatically, and don't work there which is better for their health. Whereas, neurotic people find comfort in "safe space" jobs , tightly regulated meetings, and upscale restaurants, where all the interactions are controlled and uptight, which makes their overall life unhealthy, monochrome, micromanaged, and full of resentment for everyone. That's right: if spend a lot of time keeping track, even subconsciously, of who is wrong and who needs to be comforted, you're going to hate everyone and have a distaste for even being alive.

 

Your temporary compassion helps no one. Mistakes are hard to evaluate in the moment, so don't change your frame because you think someone deserves it or because someone fucked up. Wondering what people think of you and bending to their will , will leave you with resentment and negative emotion.

 

If you hold frame even when you're the one who fucked up, you allow your previously stored value as a person a chance to win. No one is allowed to become the king , all of the sudden, because of circumstance or error.

 

As always, use your judgement. Don't lock horns with someone when you fuck up and they feel entitled to undermine you briefly. Allow a (very tiny) amount of time to pass where you follow their instructions so they can feel like they are regaining the upper hand. Then stand your ground and don't let them disrespect you disproportionately.

 

Also, listen other people's ideas on their merit and not some irrelevant feelings you might have of them in that moment. Allow powerful ideas to steer the ship of all your endeavors, not short-term emotion and compassion.