https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/8/31/17805352/louis-ck-me-too-return

Thank god my rapist wasn’t famous

Louis C.K.’s return speaks to deep misogyny in the comedy world.

By Hana Michels

Heard of her? No? Me neither.

As I sat in the police station shaking with anxiety and anger as I prepared to report my rape, a thought entered my head: I am lucky.

Congratulations on actually doing something right, most women are too stupid or lying too much to actually show up at a police station.

The reason? I’m a comedian and satire writer, and my rapist — also a comic — wasn’t famous and successful. In the male-driven comedy world where status drives everything, I consider myself lucky. I was able to speak out about my assault without legions of people from the comedy community defensively protecting their own.

This is some hilarious satire. Yeah, you're mad he wasn't famous. Think how much money you could have made from your "rape", do you do a bit about how it was red wine vs. white wine? Maybe you could do the feminist thing of blaming the white wine because it was cisgender? Make some sort of "white male" joke? No? No wonder you don't have a comedy special. That's gold Hana, gold.

Sadly your rapist was nobody. But at least it makes me more prone to believe you, in so far as there's no money or attention to make.

The women comics who came forward about Louis C.K. non-consensually masturbating in front of them? They’re less lucky. Their harasser was a world-famous, critically renowned comedian. Mine was a nobody.

Last I heard it was consensual. Let me google that a bit. According to wikipedia, he asked women if he could masturbate in front of them, then he was guilty of doing it in his hotel room, and over the phone. No one gives a shit. Unless wikipedia is wrong, and it probably is, he never touched anyone. So no one was assaulted, no one was touched, no one was traumatized, although I personally wouldn't want to watch him, although I would just to have a good story to tell at parties. "You know that famous comedian? I saw him masturbate." "DZ, why are you always watching guys mastubate?" is probably how that story would go.

Also, famous female comedians, not you, did watch, and thought it was hilarious. Apparently your "opinion" on what he did is bad, not objectively to the rest of the world. Remember your argument from the self, next time you flap your cunt lips over guys who don't want to watch women breast feed babies in public with your tits hanging out.

In August and September, C.K. made two unannounced appearances at the Comedy Cellar, one of the biggest and most revered comedy clubs in New York. In both instances, he worked out new material like nothing had changed. The club owner was happy, the audience was happy, except for the women, and several people walked out. It was as though his crimes had never happened.

Good for him getting on with his life. Despite what you may think, not everyone cares about non-crimes. Did I miss a memo saying he was doing this to children?

Whenever some stranger on social media asks how long C.K. should be punished, and how long we should be bereft of his cutting-edge material about parades, women in comedy think, “What about us?” The conversation about Louis C.K. is always dominated by Louis C.K., even as we’re discussing what he could do to atone for the people he’s hurt.

Why should he be punished because 5 women complained that he asked them, or did it in the privacy of his own home/hotel room?

You have no right to be not offended in life, so no one cares what a handful of whiners think. No one gives a shit that you have a stick in your ass, not everyone does. Did that stick rape you? Show me on the doll which hole the stick raped.

What about the many women who quit comedy, or were and are forced out, because of sexual predators? Who is mourning their careers? I have seen so many women quit within the first year of trying standup — not because they didn’t have potential, but because they were pushed out by harassers, predators, and a general culture of toxic male dominance.

Name them all? I'm sure they quit the same reason I quit, I died at a stand up open mic. Did I blame it on anyone but myself? No, I suck. But women can never accept responsibility for their failures.

The fact you even say "toxic male dominance" perfectly explains why you suck at comedy. You're just another feminist propagandist man hater. Now if you went full retard on stage about it, could have been funny, but you aren't, because you sucked. And I don't mean cock, you sucked at comedy.

When I put out a call on Facebook and Twitter a few months ago for stories of women who’ve felt like they were being pushed out of a comedy space by male comics, my inbox was flooded.

Of course, it's a lot better than having to say "despite what my boyfriend says, I'm not really funny to the objective world".

Sorry, take responsibility for your failures. I know you've never had to actually do anything hard in life, but at least don't make up excuses. I can think of a dozen comedy things I could do just in your sitting there in the police station. The fact that you can't shows you're not funny.

I heard from women who felt forced out of sketch and improv troupes because their harassment was treated like part of the joke.

I hear that's why Lucille Ball failed, Gilda Radner failed, the women on SNL failed. Tina Fey failed...

You know who failed? People that aren't funny. You know who fails much more than women? Men. Because comedy is hard. It'd easy to be funny writing, it is extremely rare to be funny in person. Like me, I'm funny looking, but not funny.

I heard from women who moved because their rapists made them keep losing bookings and jobs in their city — either by spreading rumors or by contacting bookers directly (It’s a common joke in the community that NYC, LA, and Chicago have a comedy rapist and rape victim exchange program).

You know, rapists don't give a shit about you. They fuck you, have no idea, or don't care, that they did anything wrong, then leave and never think about you again. They don't waste time dropping your bookings and stalking you.

I know the idea of that makes you feel you have value, but the reason you're losing bookings is because when you submit a tape or they call somewhere you performed, they're told "meh, she wasn't very good" and you don't get to get booked. And if you were fucking the booking agent, then you were just trying to fuck your way to the top and it didn't work or you sucked in bed.

#TeachGirlsNotToFuckForJobs

I heard from women who lost even their closest friends in the comedy world because they spoke out.

Yeah, because no one likes liars and the people who were "closest" friends weren't friends or they knew the "claimant" well enough to know they're full of lies. Or the claimant lied, because women can never take responsibility for their failures, and as we've seen, there's money made in lying...

It’s hard to say why misogyny is so prevalent in the comedy community. It might be because performing comedy is such a vulnerable act, and our society hates to see women be vulnerable. Or maybe it’s because comedy is such a difficult career choice that we’ve created some sort of cult of “toughing it out” even if the “it” is assault.

It isn't, shitty comedians are. Especially the ones that blame everyone but themselves for their failures.

Comedy is hard because making strangers laugh is hard. Hire all the jew writers you want, unless you can be funny on stage to strangers, it doesn't matter how funny the "joke" is.

Imagine this coming out of an unfunny woman's mouth. "9 out of 10 people involved in a gang rape enjoyed it".

Now it the right hands, that kills. In your hands, it sucks, because you suck at comedy.

So when male predators like Louis C.K. or T.J. Miller are allowed to so cleanly return to comedy (and no, alleged abuser Chris Hardwick doesn’t count; I refuse to call him a comic), it sends women a message about our workplace. It tells us, again, that women are unwelcome and unsafe.

Masturbating in front of someone is not predation, unless breast feeding in front of someone is rape and predation. Or women coming in the men's room is rape.

You're safe, you just want to fuck it up and feminize it, which means fuck it up. You're not wanted for the same reason you don't want men at your "book groups". Because men will fuck your shit up, except, men don't want to be around you. I wonder why when all you do is complain? Oh right, white wine is rape.

When people ask me what C.K. is supposed to do with his comedy career following these allegations, I tell them that if this were just about his career, I’d be happy to let him try and come back with his groundbreaking jokes about rape whistles.

No you wouldn't, you're a religious nut about you "safe space" and your man hating feminist ideology. Go fuck yourself. You're not happy, which is why you're whining about the heinous crime of a handful of women being asked/consenting to him mastubating in front of them, while not touching them or harming them in any way. No one is traumatized except a bunch of puritanical feminists and other cunts. You have no right to have your feelings spared because you're a humor and sexual failure. Personally, I don't care, but I'd be happy to support a politician making public breast feeding a capital offense with a death penalty, we'll call it a milk-term abortion.

See? In the right hands, that could be funny, but luckily, I'm not funny.

But it’s not. It’s about the careers and safety of women in the comedy world. It’s about the women whom C.K. and his manager Dave Becky, by his own admission, verbally threatened as part of the cost of being assaulted.

How unsafe are you really from someone you've never met but masturbated in front of other people you'd never met? I mean, you're a failure of a comedian, so it's not like you're hanging out backstage with famous people. You're just a whining feminist man-hater. Give me a quick five on that topic. No? See you suck. I could go on for hours about how pathetic feminists are.

Sure, there can be a path to redemption for these men. I think that path would look something like what comedian Jenny Yang laid out on Twitter: private apologies, calling on gatekeepers to support the women who were hurt, supporting survivor networks and charities, etc.

No, you just want money. He doesn't need redemption. He already lost shows and specials and bookings because of you. Luckily for him, and unluckily for you, he's funny, and people like to be entertained. And you know what else? His non-crime is funny. Your "crime", which I'm starting to suspect more and more is just a lie to write this gay essay, since it follows the standard feminist template writing style, in addition to not even making a single joke, is also a lie.

If C.K. wanted real redemption, he would have asked the women he hurt how he could make things right. He would have focused on understanding them, not just being understood himself.

Well since he didn't commit a crime, then why does he need redemption? Sounds like you just want money. How about he contribute $50 million to the Trump campaign for him to spend on domestic violence, if Trump wants? Would that make you happy? No? Then I guess this is just about politics. Therefore just like everyone in your stand-up audience, you're easily ignored.

A predator’s seamless return reflects a fear we have every day: that we are not welcome.

No it means your bullshit is what it is, bullshit. Also no one cares about your bullshit.

I can’t speak to everyone’s experience, but I know that I’ve had to consider the long-term impact on my career if I rebuff a male comic’s advances. Every time I’m offered a spot with a guy I’ve heard rumors about, I have to think twice and consider my own safety.

Yet you will anyway. Oh sorry, you won't be booked. You're nobody. You expecting a big HBO special? Better start the dick sucking early. How are you unsafe? I feel unsafe when women breast feed their children. It's a good thing I don't own any guns, because I'm sure I'd be arrested for shooting them. Showing their tits off, offending everyone. I don't feel safe. Those tits might go off and spurt some white creamy substance all over me. Which is more than what Louis C.K. did. So who are the real rapists here?

But hey, I — and so many other women comics whose harassment stories filled my inbox —am still here. And we can’t be pushed out by your dick, your paycheck, or anything you say into a mic (which is probably about your dick).

You asked the internet for victims. I'm surprised you even have an inbox left.

Also, male comedians rarely talk about their dicks, but female comedians only talk about their periods and vaginas. Tell me again how hilarious you are in non-vagina speak?

Of course, the conversation about Louis C.K. and whether or not he should return inevitably comes down to his talent and his status, as it does for so many of the abusive men the comedy world doesn’t want us to leave behind.

You know you reek of envy. You really hate he's famous and you're not. This is all just a hate diatribe about Louis C.K., under the guise of safety. What are you worried about? Catch a spurt of cum on stage? I mean, you're more likely to get his with old lettuce and tomatoes.

It’s going to involve a conversation that weighs the careers of those who have had the privilege to move forward and the privilege to prove themselves over those who did not. To which I say: God, I’m so glad my rapist wasn’t funny.

The conversation has been had, you lost, because you're whining about breast feeding.

I'm also glad your rapist wasn't funny, so you two had something in common at least. That and white wine.

Man, I’m so lucky he sucked at comedy.

I'm sure you would know how to suck at comedy.

Hana Michels is a comedian and writer in Los Angeles. She currently writes and edits for Bunny Ears. She went viral for dating guys who own swords and for doing toilet paper wrong.

Seriously, you list that you "went viral"? Shit I went viral and got quoted on several sites over a diatribe about feminists once. And like you, I'm also not funny. Wanna fuck?