Outstanding post in a thread talking about what happens when men share their struggles. Not going to comment because it stands on its own merit so well, macabre beauty. Like walking into a field and seeing a downed 747 surrounded by bodies, debris and a plume of caustic smoke. Despite its horror, you stand in awe.

credit to u/Jrobalmighty


I need to set some groundwork for my story. I had a kid at 16 with my first real gf. I raised him and took him with me as I attended college, just the two of us.

I've never had trouble attracting women but I noticed quite a few trends in dating as a single dad. The first thing I noticed would be women don't want LTR with men who have kids (even in an age difference of 25f to 20m.)

Secondly single young mothers (whom I met many) have an easier time "looking for love" than their male counterparts.)

Third, if you compound any of the issues with traumatic experiences from a physically and mentally abusive it will not matter how much love, generosity, support and attention it will diminish your SMV in their eyes and they start looking for the ejection button.

I spent 16-26 learning these fundamental truths of the male condition. Women are worse than men for nestling up to someone and backing out bc when men do it it's simply and obviously for sex, but when women do it, they're manipulating men emotionally and abandoning them the instant they think the SO will need emotional support.

At 26 I meet a girl who fulfills about 80% of what I feel I need in an SO.

  • Loves me
  • a good mother
  • reliably employed
  • sexually compatible

The only but is I didn't romantically love her 80% is pretty close and people marry all the time for reasons other than being chemically induced with hits of Oxytocin.

At 27 we marry and I eventually have some problems with depression around 28 and quit a job that I hated. She's pissed every single day that she comes home regardless of the fact that I've paid bills with savings, picked up and dropped off kids at school, cooked for the kids, cleaned the house, washed the clothes, taken out the trash, and applied for jobs.

She says she wants to quit her job to do that herself. Ok that's cool with me. As soon as I get another job you can quit. I get another job and she quits. She doesn't do half of the things I did before and I'm still cooking and cleaning the kitchen. She doesn't like cooking so it's cool bc I do.

I buy a house and an acre of land so she can plant gardens and whatever else she wants land to do. I'm working as a sergeant at a maximum security prison. At 31 my grandmother that helped raise me dies. At 32 my mother dies suddenly from a drug interaction and we had recently been trying to reconcile after years. I tried removing myself from the lives of those who were bringing me down for my immediate family. I didn't want my wife and kids living around drama.

At 34 my stepfather murders my youngest brother. Enter another bout with depression.

So I have a stressful job, she's working 9-5 at a cake job, I'm cooking and cleaning, I'm washing all my own clothes and paying all the bills, dealing with trauma both past and present. I never take it out on her or the kids.

I decided the only way to get better is to work through it and focus on my family bc that's the only thing that matters. This is how I handled everything up to that point.

Then I start actually thinking about how much I'm doing, the pressure being put on him to solve every single problem in our home, doing all the grocery shopping, cooking all the food, cleaning all the dishes etc etc and dealing with a stressful job and still I have this ungrateful person who does nothing to help me, who will never help clean even while I'm working on our roof in 110 degree heat, I'm replacing a hot water heater and she's watching murder mysteries.

I ask her to watch anything but that. I'm sick of hearing about murders bc I work at a prison and my brothers been murdered.

Well she needs it bc murder porn is the only bs she's interested in watching. She's doesn't like fiction. Yada yada whatever.

I start looking back on the selfish, uninspired, lazy, unmotivated person that is like a dead weight dragging me down worse.

I decide that to solve this problem I'll just stop holding it al together and see what happens. I stop cooking, cleaning etc etc except for working outside and repairing the home as necessary.

Guess who picks up the slack when I stop what I've been doing for 10 years? The answer is no one.

Not only that but she quits her job and is getting maybe 20 hours a week during Christmas but she's angry with me bc I need to pay the bills and our TEENAGE children might have to wait to get presents. Oh no, the horror of a teen waiting on Santa Claus!

She starts getting the hint and asks me if I even care that she's there. I told her, "I'm try to care" and boy that was it.

I put up with all this crap over the years to be a good husband and father. I never mistreated her and I wanted to build her up as a confident person.

She finds a guy that's interested in her at her new job and leaves. She didn't want to change, work on her own issues, or do her part.

She wanted someone to leech off of and make her life as easy as possible.

Now don't get me wrong, I know I shouldn't have married someone that I knew I didn't love but I did care about her. I wanted her to be a strong independent person and I still consider her a friend.

However, I gave everything to this woman as a man, a husband and a father. Yet when it becomes clear she's going to need to pull her own weight with bills, around the house and I'm not going to be her lackey anymore she's going to bounce like a check from her banking account.

I've learned a lot from all of this. I started out as a young man, raised by women to treat women with dignity and respect so that I could be loved and cared about.

Most people posting here that say the world doesn't care are absolutely completely correct.

I will never mistreat women bc of my experience but my eyes are open at 36. I will only engage in relationships that are beneficial to me in the short and long term from now on. Romantic or otherwise.

I'm just happy that my son is an adult and I'm single and young enough to still take advantage of some good years to have fun and enjoy my life without being the foundation to someone else's happiness/laziness.

I'm not being conceited but when I was young women only wanted me bc they were attracted to me and had no intention of being emotionally close. Over and over again I saw that from 16-26.

Later in my life trying to be emotionally close with one person, I still get taken advantage of even when I thought I had found a person that actually wanted me for me.

When you open up to women who just want sex they leave. When you open up to women who say they love you, they just use you for their own personal gain until it is no longer advantageous.

You are only loved or cared for in so far as you provide something they need while requiring limited emotional currency in return.

One weakness was immediately displayed as a young father and the other to a SO through a series of dramatic life events that had minimal direct impact on the SO.

Maybe all people are like this and not just women but in my experience men are not allowed to ask for help or even equal investment into a relationship. Yet when we demand equal treatment the women in our lives lose sexual interest bc they can't be expected to deal with too much. You handle it all and do it with a smile or when it falls apart it's all your own fault.

Hopefully from 36-46 I'll get it right. Let the games begin.