This is probably too long, but I assure you, there is a point. And also, I need to get this shit out to remind myself how great I've had it, and from now on, to actually know it and appreciate it.

I spent all the years out of high school a very confused young man. I didn't do the conventional route. I joined the Marine reserves at 17, ten days after high school graduating I was stepping out of the bus and getting red pilled by some red pilled mother fuckers.

After bootcamp and my MOS school, i was back into the civilian workday, but with military expectations. No worries, all I had to do was stay in shape and out of trouble. I then decided to go to community college and get a job at taco bell.

I was a beta back in those days, but with the attitude of the Marines and the fact that I had all the expectations naturally brought the badass in me out.

I had one nagging problem though. I was still back home, living with my parents, going to community college , so I was always looking up to my college friends. the friends who have somehow "figured" everything out, because they looked good in paper. So even though I was killing it in community college, training as a Marine once a month, and two weeks in the summer, I helped the school paper convert their paper to digital, back in 1998, worked art taco bell, shit, I had an fucking awesome girlfriend, meet her when she was 17, I was 19, beautiful , lovely, traditional filipino that I later fucked up my relationship with after the war, we were fucking in between classes since no one was at home during school hours , like man, perfect college life and relationship. But I was a confused motherfucker.

I was ashamed that I was going to community college, because I had the grades, I did sports, but no one in my family knew what the fuck to tell me about it. Hell, they didn't even know what to think about school but luckily I found art in kindergarten and got the teachers attention so the adults knew how to keep me engaged at the school throwing my stuff in art shows, winning my first one in 1st grade when i drew a painting of the principal and the teacher submitted it along with the 5th and 6th graders.

I'm telling you this to make the point that I had support in the school system, and my mom and dad being good illegal immigrants, went along with whatever the system told them. Great! All the way to high school that was my program, art, sports, just try to be the best in all the classes cuz year, I had a chip on my shoulder for living in a one bedroom apartment with a mom, dad, 2 brothers and a sister. So all my life I've felt inadequate in one form or another so I tried to make sure that everything else was on point.

Unfortunately, I was not the cool kid in high school. My freshman year, I was killing, first half anyways. I was on the football team , hanging out with all my cool friends, but something fucked up happend to me. ACNE ALL OVER MY FACE. literally over night. Always bloody, pussy and open, and all over so by senior year I was mentally a wrecked. Even though I went to prom with the girl I wanted, I was too involved on how cool others peoples life's were and mine wasn't. Even though I was progressing, and had my fair share of make out sessions, no sex though, even though my best friends int he neighborhood had cars and girls they were taking on dates, I was too ugly to be the friend to invite out on a high school guy's out. So my fun was pretty wholesome, lunches with the football teams, cross country team, swimming. But interactions with girls were no more than friends.

I watched others have girls throw themselves at them, and shit, I had girls that wanted to get with me despite my appearance but fuck.....they were ugly as fuck. So I did not touch them. I even had GF in 7th grade. We would go to her friends house along with her homie BF that at least we were able to talk about art, we would pick a bunk bed and make out and get half naked til noon. no drugs involved so I knew what I was missing out on!!!

So moving forward 20 years later, approaching my 40th birthday, i realize that my life was great. I mentally kept my self from taking risks and pursuing other possible career tracks because of the shame I felt for who I was.

I always thought I was ugly because I heard from my sister, brothers, mom and dad, and this mob mentality guys of being poor, it turns out to be an exaggerated game of the pecking order. My brothers and sisters were not so good in school so they found the chink in my armor, and to this day. My sister had all hot friends in high school, and the first thing she would do when we were seen together is pick on me because of my face. My sister, being the hot girl, on the auxiliary squad, etc, was popular, but her brother was this ugly piece of shit.

So yea, giving you some background on how wrecked my mental state was. Despite this, I think this is what kept me going in high school, always pushing myself with a "I'll show them attitude", but tended to do more solo activities like art and cross country just to not have to work with others to compete.

going back to comparing myself to others, by the time I transferred to the University, was a lil older, but it turns out , not really, I again I let that get to me. But finally, I'm in college, fuck it, I'm joining a frat...and you probably see where this is going, FUN FUN FUN.

BUt...I didn't know who I was, I didn't identify with anybody, not the Mexicans because I hated mexicans cuz my family, but at least there was a vet support center there and of course, majoring in art I was finally with my people!

LIVING THE IDEAL LIFE. But going late I always felt second class because I didn't start there, like I cheated myself or something, didn't live in the dorms...etc...and i think that's why I felt bad because I knew I was missing out on it, but I blamed my family or was at least tired of being Mexican...

I did painting there and excelled, continued the coming strip from the last two community colleges that i did , and even got paid for it. Not only that, people were getting pissed and writing the paper, getting the reaction I wanted.

i was getting laid, still had the same girl, of course because I felt lucky that an ogre like me had a wonderful beautiful princess. She was though. Like I said, traditional.

I had one night stands, drunken weekends to Tijuana, gambling trips, living with fun roommates dad were computer nerds and a fraternity brother......but I was peeved that my friends all had their parent support, I was freelancing computer graphics jobs, kicking ass (see like for every negative reaction, there is a positive one), I just didn't connect all the fucking dots.

Don't worry, there is more bullshit, like the war stopping my college career, coming back, seeing everybody labeled and having family and had finished college and through my 20's saw my GF travel with her family for a month and I was stuck, having finished college, double majored in ART & Film, but my family never gave me a big trip like that. My piece of shit lil brother got one with my dad, so at this point, I'm depressed and getting fat, my GF can't stand me, so i call up my old college roommate and told him "remember when you would show me all those Japanese dramas? Let's go to Japan. A month later we were in Tokyo, 30 days. FUN AS FUCK!!! Been back many extended times, met a filmmaker the second time helped him edit his movie, he is a cool kid so he introduces me to these 20 somethings in tokyo so every time I go back I got the party crew, and getting girls, it's my second home.

BUT, my relationship tanked after the first trip. That May, she was shacking up with the Owner of a pharmaceutical company, thanks to daddy (I have a hard time not hating rich kids, kid that lived below me was a fat piece of shit but everybody sucked up to him because he was loaded, had the best computers, everything, best drugs and beer, TV etc...), , so after 9 years, whatever self esteem I had tanked. She left me for the better guy with a setup job, married him, and regretted going to Japan. But now that I was free, and went through a shity period, I then lived with my best friend from high school. He was a UCLA grad, had a job, so I felt in adequate because I was freelancing any job I could get, got a studio in Santa Monica but it failed after a year because I shoulda just lived there instead of trying to commute from home and being a pussy about not being able to make it financially.

So i was with my BFF from highschool, partying, getting laid, having girls over, party pad, the neighbor was deaf so we could be up all night playing games, etc. I was freelancing BIG TIME, but nothing special, I thought, but bu 1998, I was already designing websites, so I knew what I was doing. I just didn't believe it. My roommate went to UCLA, had a corporate job at enterprise, and I am not saying that is the greatest job in the world, but when it came to talking about myself, I was horrible! I didn't have confidence because I felt like a fake because I learned it from just playing with the programs, so I always felt less because i didn't take a class to "learn it properly". And I've been paid $800 a day to teach photoshop to the teachers at ITT tech school, so I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. I was also afraid of appearing cocky as well, because why would an ugly guy like me be so cocky???

Let's get back to TRP.

I am an artist. I am the guy that wrote the post about quitting my job as a teacher. That was two weeks ago. I am selling the house, moving out, pursuing art and music full time now.

Why? because i don't give a shit anymore. I don't care that i can't label myself. I don't care if I have a girl or not anymore because they are all out there, and there a bunch that like the shit that I do.

I am moving out to LA. I am taking my 20 years worth of art that I never stopped making. Every place I've lived at , even in the Marines, I had my setup where I would work, edit, create, animate, produce, make music, paint, etc, etc. Depending on the place I would live, it would dictate what I would work on. Shit , I've lived on the beach after the divorce, but i couldn't enjoy it because I was still a mental wreck thinking that the girls that like an ugly guy like me were gone.

I am not ugly. I know that know. But man, seeing a lil kid voice his disgust about your face to his mom....yea, shit like that.

So you see, the hardest part also had to learn is to not think about what the fuck I think also. That hamster, whispering in your ear all the bullshit.

I thought I had to listen to it because man, it's my my head. How else is this not true since why would I lie to myself? But for every girl that loved me, there were 150 others that their reactions were, EWWW, so I never gave the hot ones that loved me attention because I was afraid of getting rejected when I already had enough.

in 2012, I found out my wife cheated on me. Sucked. Kicked her out that night, took her shit the next morning but I was red pilled as fuck. I was afraid, however, to take a leap.

When I married her , I was still freelancing but I figured shit, I better get a job. Went to the Vet center after may BFF , a Marine as well that I met after the service, told me there is extra money. I said I hate school, fuck what can I do know? I never intended to go back to get my Master's after my University seemed unsupportive because my paintings were pretty aggressive and because LGBQTFUCKTHEM that's why.

LONG STORY SHORT: I GOT MY TEACHING CREDENTIAL FOR FREE AT A $16,000 A YEAR PRIVATE SCHOOL, ONE OF THE BEST AND GOT A BADASS JOB THAT UP UNTIL LAST WEEK, I WAS MAKING ALMOST 90K A YEAR BECAUSE THE SCHOOL LOVED HOW I WAS WITH THE KIDS AND GAVE ME A CLASS TO TEACH, AN EXTRA HOUR AFTER SCHOOL, GIVING ME 20% MORE OF MY BASE, ETC...AND I FREQUENTLY FREELANCED FOR THE SCHOOL AT 45/HR FOR GRAPHICS, ON TOP OF THAT, IT WAS FUN....

But i had to quit the job. I got it because provider me wanted to support my wife. And man, I did, since I traveled, and now I have her, she was along for the ride. we went to a lot of places. took her to Tokyo twice, Canada, road trips in winter with my college roommate, and we know still, travel once a year together. We went to Athens last time, and man, AWESOME.

I am a cool kid. Always have been.But I let my head get in the way, and when I went through my divorced I was acting as ugly as I felt on the outside on the inside. I am surprised my friends are still my friends.

I am sharing all this with you because if you feel you are out of place, if you feel you don't you belong, it's okay. Stop and take the time to ask yourself, am I doing today what I am doing, yes, OK, if not, then chip away and come up with a plan.

I've learned too that part of the plan also includes not having to worry about it. Who cares if my car is shitty, it's taking me to work. All the shitty car's i've had took me to cool places where I worked. I freelanced all over LA going to some of the swankiest businesses to do work for the, recording studios, I've even met Robbie Krieger after my radio host buddy needed a photographer and he trusted me because we did a magazine together, I have friends I still freelance in Hollywood, working mostly with Disney channel stars, etc...but I let my looks get to me....blame my dad though.

Now that I know who I am, I no longer act awkwardly when talking to the tv stars, or the pretty people because people I hang out with tend to be into fitness or acting. i've roommate with hip hop music producers and their TV actress friends and they got me high and treated me with dignity and respect.

I didn't treat myself with dignity and respect. That's the lesson. Give it to yourself, your body and mind. That's the recipe for what it needs, and what you need.

Quitting my job and going back into what I excel is what I need, the uncertainty, the unknown, but now I know I don't have to worry if I am sacrificing or endangering my security for the last twenty. I didn't plan. Not much savings cuz I spent all my money the last few years on traveling, art, equipment, but that's gear I use on the regular to make money, and I am learning some new instruments, so to all those questioning my sanity and emotions about just saying fuck it and quitting my job: Guy's, I know what I'm doing.

P.S. Forgot to mention my ex-wife was an illegal and married her out of fear of her leaving like my last GF, so I overloaded on BP traits. That was a bad move.