I hope to inspire two groups with this posts: Blue pills who are on the fence about redpill & redpills who support blue pills in the transition period-keep doing the great work, never stop.

This is well worth the read- my heart and soul on a page. Even if nobody reads this, Im glad I got it out there.

Canada

June 1st 2017 entry

This is all true.

Prologue

Enter Me.

Only child. Son of a broken home-parents have been fighting since the beginning of time. They never divorce because my dad is too broke to live by himself so he leeches off my mom, there is never any periods of love for each other, only acceptance of the occasional stretch of silence/everyone goes to work in peace and then of course: Fight nights as I liked to call them. She keeps him around because of a portion of his income helps run the house and she cant survive without it.

Im 19 years old, been at my teenage job of 4 years in tourism/hospitality. I am miserable. A miserableness of my own making. You see at this job of 4 years, I stayed at the bottom for 3 of those 4 years. When I moved up I realized how much time I wasted for nothing, the new kids had just arrived, my managers hated me but I did everything perfect so they can't fire me for no reason, the girls I had crushes on all despised me not because I was bad or anything, I simply waited too long & sent too many mixed signals and that actually angers women more than anything else in my experience. As the new kids arrived from the next crop of high school kids, I started to know fewer and fewer people and by June...there I was: An outmoded relic. At 19 years old- I went through the standard lifecycle of a cubicle worker (even though I didn't work in a cubicle) that will be forgotten. The fault was not theirs, the fault was mine.

  • Supervisors: They tried to get to know me. I was closed off and a shut-in. The ones who knew me best knew I needed my space to just work but Im a good guy, the super extraverted supervisors just thought I was weird/angry all the time.
  • Girls: Tried to get to know me. I was on a basic talking level with most of them but never had to courage to ask any of them, even though there was plenty of interest. My biggest regret but at the same time-dont shit where you eat.
  • Managers: All hated me and sent pseudo-insults to my face and I knew damn well they hated me behind my back. I had a really awkward voice and was quiet and these managers were cool kid wannabes so they feel they can dismiss the shy kid. They were always fake nice on the surface-assholes on the inside.
  • Coworkers: Good folks but as the new kids start coming in- you have less and less in common and eventually they all know each other and I become the stranger. There were other 19 year olds there but they had moved on to lifeguard & supervisor. I never moved on because I had a aversion to swimming for the longest time, I did overcome this but by the time I did- It was too late.

Cue the Oneitis. I had worked side by side with her for about 2-3 of the 4 years I worked there I believe. She was one of the last original remaining members of the staff that came from the old managers over to the new ones. She was extremely pretty and she gave me IOIs and everything in the beginning-I fucked up-I froze and didn't do anything. As time passed, One time I overheard her conversation-I think she said she wanted to send me to hell or something because of how shy/rudeI was. Just like that my oneitis became my mortal enemy. Incredibly this did not cause me as much pain because every crush I've ever had since the first one(Brooke in grade 7) has grown to hate me, this was simply a repeating behavior pattern and my heart had hardened by this point. These girls show me interest, I freeze like a dodo bird, they hate me and become my worst enemy- my rivalry with brooke was essentially legendary throughout the school by grade 9. But I digress...

I had not discovered red pill yet-that happens in september 2017.

So with all this failure looming over my head everytime I entered the work environment, my home life a mess, school was dull, thus I was a miserable son of a bitch. Slowly bleeding out a long painful death by a thousand cuts. One hit after another.

There I was, 19 years old. I had not asked a single girl out in my entire teen years. The girls were beautiful, they all show interest because Im fairly good looking and I chicken out, my mental reason being that Im too poor to ask them out and I don't have a car/popularity to do so. All the girls that took interest in me-most popular girls in school.. About as blue pill bitch as it gets....

One more note: I thought so much about the what-ifs that I COULD have done with girls that my grades slipped in University and my GPA was too low- I was kicked out from my honors program. That was the true moment I understood the power of the woman-never did I underestimate a bitch again after that day I got the withdrawal letter. Again, not even their fault for being hot-I fucked up.

Act I

The summer was fast approaching and I was on year 4 of work. Miserable as ever. I decide enough is enough, time to stop the bleeding and leave my job prior to the summer where it gets super busy. I had substantial savings because I didn't blow my money on cars and clothes, like most teenagers who worked with me. Another sad realization hit me, outside of about 3-4 friends, I had no social life outside of work. My work life was my social life & I wasn't even popular at work-the madness had to stop-when THAT sadness hit me, I felt it. I asked my bosses for a reference letter for anything I might need next, they gave me a generic pre-printed reference letter signed by the manager. That was another moment I knew I really fucked up- 4 years at a job and I can't even get a personalized reference letter, I had friends who had gotten hyper personal letters saying how great they were. Mine just pretty much said I did what was asked of me with no complaints in the most basic way possible.

I had to stop the bleeding.

Age 20 begins

June 30th I was done. My last day was magical, the sun was shining and I heard faint opera music but that might have been entirely in my head.

That following summer I just took a moment of reflection and hitting the gym. I had enough in the bank to last me two years without having to work- till June 2019 by my calculations. Before I even knew what a monk mode was- I sent myself into a two year monk mode which I am currently in.

When your life is this fucked up-it takes years to right the ship and I knew two years was my time.

That summer I was just reading & hitting the gym-both super close by so my monthly expenses were literally my phone bill and my gym membership because I still live with my parents so they subsidize cost of living tremendously. I was still frustrated with girls and hated myself, in september my friend discovered RedPill- he was really horny and wanted to start dating.

My friend told me that RedPill will help break the shy guy attitude and you can pick up chicks. He was not RedPilled.

In retrospect- he was just a horny pickup artist. I started reading the sidebar- it all made sense. My behavior patterns with women finally made sense- I was practically in a state of tears after that moment.

I was angry as well, how weak my oneitis truly was because I had made her perfect in my imagination when in reality she was a drinker with slutty behavior and hung out with way too many black people & enjoyed rap music excessively ( She is white), I love black people/black male friends-some of the coolest people I know. But when I see that one white girl who gets waaay too much into that culture, some guys dig it. I dont. I like rap music but it stays where it is, as music: It doesnt seep into other parts of my life.

I saw who she follows on social media(sigh), Kardashians, various rappers, Buzzfeed, memes.

I like my women with a little art and class, I can't believe I was head over heels, LOST MY Honors program because of this nonsense.

She was the true definition of young, dumb, & reckless.

In a sense, the same could be said for me.

I started talking to my friend about the deeper redpill on the surface but he doesnt truly get it/only gets it on the surface getting the girls level.

I realized this was going to be a solitary road-the path to deeper RedPill. I love power, some of my favourite characters are ones who exude the most power, I loved freedom, I loved not being mentally chained down by women & i never will be again.

But I could not deny how fucked up my life was, for situations like this, deep monk mode is NECESSARY. But my university had a redemption program for a another faculty of your choice. I took the year but in October I hit true rock bottom.

I was at risk was numerous health conditions and all of them put the fear of death deep within my soul. It was okay though- this is what I want: To face the chaos head on and come what may.

I have lived a poor, hard, tragic life mostly of my own making. No mercy, no sympathy-FACE YOUR PAIN.

Gents let me tell me you, there is no greater high I've ever had then the exploration of death and ultimately conquering the fear surrounding it. I am still at risk to this day but now:

Come what may, I will not look back.

These fears affected my first term GPA again.....a kid just can't catch a break.

I picked it back up in my second term but it was not enough to save myself in the current year. I have to take a year off and reapply for fall 2019. It is now May and my term just ended, I am currently on one year hiatus. A friend of mine had brain cancer and he had to take a year off from school-the one who introduced me to RedPill. I often joked with him that I would kill to have one year off and pick school back up.

The things I would do, man o man. He took a year off-played video games FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR. To be fair he is farther than me in life, he is a hard worker making great money at my old job, has a car, is dating sporadically though he still hopes for the blue pill romance ironically.

I told him I wished for time like that off. I guess I got what I wished for.....

What I am GOING to do:

  • Start a business
  • Build my outward confidence back UP
  • Live by my principles that I discovered this year.
  • Accomplish certain benchmark dreams like getting out of my parents house and becoming truly independent, car, etc.
  • a few more private ones

Incredibly, It took me a year to get the mindset right, face the ultimate fear(death), and realize the RedPill reality. IT looks like I made no progress but trust me- mentally- a lot was done.

I stopped the bleeding...

Now I build...

For those wondering: Yes, I lift & I have 350lb deadlift and am in killer shape and have a great face. Looks are not the issue here. Even though on paper I am technically a failure- i have never been more optimistic and that is CRITICAL to my success.

********************

I am putting out an open call to you lovely folk if you wish to answer-what do you think I should definitely be able to accomplish in this year off- what goals should I have with women in this deep monk mode, anything your heart believes I should do about my life in general

One year folks, thats when my next direct RedPill Post will be-I will share the update of a lifetime: June 2019.

*God bless Red Pill*

Act I

finis