EDIT: Please respect me and help me preserve my anonymity - for others' sake, not just my own. PM me if you see something I shouldn't put up here, I can be stupid at that in particular. I'm trying to help!

Greetings, MGTOWs. This is technically my first post here, but I've been commenting as many aliases on MGTOW for a very long time. Usually, I delete my comment, and eventually my username, because of concerns that I might be found irl based on how much excruciating detail I've shared to further our movement and allow the rest of my brothers to feel less alone (as it does for me as well). Before that, I was on redpill. And before that, I was in a relationship that I thought I really enjoyed for ten years. Scratch that - I actually did enjoy it for about 6-7, she was like a 50's housewife with an incredible and unique body (who now posts on gonewild - which admittedly, is pretty autistic behavior when a female is emotionally empty, now that I know what it looks like in females). The sex was unbelievable, but I always...held back. Something stopped me from marrying her (logic, sure, snickering, but there was more than that and I just...couldn't...put my finger on it). I felt like we were both about 80% understood to each other at our peak, and that % wasn't going up together anymore, it started going back down.

Then something would happen to me called hypergamy, and I had no idea what that was at the time. Since I couldn't put my finger on it, someone else put his fingers on her, but she no doubt instigated it. To many of you, this is a very familiar story. And yet, there are differences in how we all see, because we are all men, and we are all unique. Technically, there are no hard and fast rules to life. I've always wished for them, and sought to make my own, but they are often obliterated in just a day or two. There's simply no consistency. This has been a challenge for me to accept, for reasons that were beyond my knowing...until recently.

I no longer care if I am found out (especially by her). On some level, I've begun to realize that there are enormous forces in life against me - greater, often, than even my imagination has been capable of. This was frightening at first - and is still frightening, but less so due to a path of self-discovery I am now on.

I have an exceedingly good theory about the human mind, acceptance, and how we project difficulties on to beings around us instead of accepting who we are if we've been (verbally, physically, sexually) abused as children. Let me summarize some quick facts. If your brain hasn't yet completely understood these subjects, you are going to misunderstand what I am about to say, possibly to the point I myself would have a few years ago - and trust me, that was really fucking ugly. This, itself, may be your own projection because of an emotional wall in your mind. Always dig deeper - ALWAYS! Luckily, my brain seems often to do this automatically, and I am thankful for it because it has been a rewarding path to take.

And so...

What was it? I have autism. I'm sure of it now. This is the real reason there were struggles and issues in my last relationship (along with many of your former relationships; but I'm getting ahead of myself...). But then, she did too - the diagnosis rate for females is way lower than males, but that's because we haven't known what to look for! That's what I didn't know at the time. Only now, years later, can I put everything together, and that's only because I've been basically fucking completely obsessed with this whole situation (much to all my friends' dismay, lol). I hated "her" for so long, not realizing that what I hated was my own misunderstanding of how females worked due to my lack of comprehension about how frame of mind across sexes operated. She is similarly disabled without realizing it, which is why she monkey-branched in the first place (absolutely a stupid move, and dangerous as fuck when dealing with highly sensitive people - I almost got myself arrested by taking anger out on the other male). This is the compassionate comprehension that redpill is missing, I believe. It's surely not true in all cases, but I am fairly certain it's true in this one...

If I remember, I was "an asshole who stole her from the first guy" (though truly, I was just starved of sex - same as the probably-autistic friend of mine who stole her from me, lol - either he's autistic, or a monster, same for her, they were even terrible at lying - though better than me, and so are "less autistic" than me) and I was truly dumb enough to believe that she would be loyal to me in life upon that reality. Silly. Women are never loyal, but they're especially not loyal if they had to cheat to get out of a relationship in the first place, this is fucking hilarious to watch them make the same mistake. Meanwhile, in the pain, I am choosing to learn from my mistakes - truly. And this is the better path.

This was why I went mgtow (and no, that doesn't mean "visiting this subreddit", lol). To learn the TRUTH. Only alone, could I learn this truth. Other women distracted me away from it, but into other "weird" things. One had me studying witchcraft a little bit (lol), and I am now fully aware that men on the spectrum are far more likely to cross-dress and participate in other strange events of that sort (haha). It makes sense, we are technically "more free" in some ways. Many trans- and gay men are on the spectrum and don't know it, etc. This stuff is really fucking crazy.

All I'm trying to say is that reality is obviously far more complicated than I initially saw. Which is why now I simply stay nice, stay quiet, and go my own way, smiling knowingly on the journey. It doesn't matter if I meet a girl I like. There will still be enormous joys in even a life of solitude, if nothing else, the joy of learning, or of simply being. I find such huge satisfaction in simply existing in nature. I'm only thankful.

Furthermore, if I am autistic and she is autistic, technically, we all felt horrible during this entire thing, she just felt horrible and simultaneously "upgraded her fridge" (that is, when cheating, women basically think of men as appliances because their emotional state is all fucked up). The only way she will accept herself is by being alone, truly alone. What autism actually means is emotionally retarded.

Only an emotionally retarded male would try to take a girl from another guy and then keep her for himself. Only an emotionally retarded female wouldn't ever really be sure of what she wants, and so would allow this to happen for a lifetime until she figures out why each relationship is failing the same way, in a pattern (and her ability to bond is tragically ruined the more partners she has...so even once she learns, it's likely to be too late...shit the wall is harsh, so glad I'm not with a woman anymore, lol).

How do we defeat this? Well, you don't. j/k. I'll tell you how I am going to try to defeat it. Right now, in life, I am completely without sex and have been for several years. It doesn't really bother me, because there were some very deep, important, complicated things happening in life for me and I've needed this time alone to not just "recharge" but re-understand myself in a brand new light of recognition. Sure, I toke up and play games a lot, hell I play with Lego and shit, but when I'm not doing fun activities I am studying the hell out of autism, human psychology, cognition, history...you name it! I let myself be curious. If, someday, I am curious about a woman, I'm going to let myself be curious. I at least have learned so much more about psychology that I fully comprehend my side of what was done incorrectly before, but I know better than to simply chase girls.

I postulate that this might be needed for some MGTOWs, but they might not even know it. I'm going to say a corny phrase and it won't make sense until you are accepting of yourself. "Open your heart to the possibility of being autistic." Beneath the hate, the anger, the loathing, the frustration, the annoyance, the paralysis, the shock, the fear, the confusion, the hurt, the rejection, the anguish, the sadness, the loneliness, the dissociation, and finally the self, there was one thing I didn't understand: her. It's actually more like I couldn't. I wanted to very badly, but I couldn't seem to "connect" in the ways she cared about. She found ways to connect with me emotionally, but not intellectually, where I knew something was amiss with us all.

I've started to realize that if I had known I was autistic that entire relationship, it's obvious that some of the time when I stood my ground and got stubborn, upset, angry, etc - I was just plain wrong to do so. I was acting as a child, because my emotions were still that of one. I now realize that the only way to go beyond is to find meaning in the pain, and I guess, for me, it was this self-discovery of autism.

Arguing with me about whether I have it or not is going to prove to be hilariously painful for you, so please don't do that. My intention is actually to inspire you to accept yourself, whatever you are. Autism is GENIUS and simultaneously RETARDED. MANY of the greats in human history had it, according to my studies, and most of them were never given proper credit or recognition, simply because there were no words for it back then.

Jesus, for example, was likely autistic. Bishop Cyril of Alexandria, for example, a man in the most notorious, anti-authority (sound familiar yet?) wing of the Catholic church in his day, postulated that Jesus was "just a man who was misunderstood" - I think both of these guys sound a lot like me. lol. Jesus just wanted us to find our emotional cores - and he advised emotionally searching, endlessly, for this "God" concept to help us do this. To say "I didn't find it, it found me" is the visceral description that helps me call it "God", but really it never needed such a name, names are unimportant. It's absolutely insane when you're completely alone in life and actually sensitive to this stuff, because only if that happens will you see what the fuck he was talking about.

Everyone has constructed their own reality into each others'. Autistic minds naturally hate this, we prefer roaming autonomy with emotional pit-stops (sounds a bit like MGTOW, to me, but I'm projecting again, lol). If anything is expected of us emotionally, beyond those pit-stops, we shut down and weird shit happens: cheating, in the case of an autistic woman (hiding some of herself in a new person to hide from her own mind, this won't work). Porn, drugs, and alcohol, in the usual case of men (hiding from his own mind in his own mind, this also won't work). "Turning to our own version of God" is actually even in American history. Fucking George Washington was antisocial as hell, only attended his masonic rituals like three times (lol), rose up to lead only when literally everyone else refused (and even then, reports indicated he wasn't pleased to have to do so, it was very much a "I didn't ask for this" type of response...). Tesla had every single bit of his research stolen and re-purposed by his "friend" Edison - sounds like an autistic guy who just wanted to help the world at any cost, to me (eerily familiar). Autistic people can be horrible or holy, they're just people...but usually they're different and a little bit insane.

If I can possibly be a catalyst to your self-recognition that you are different, I would love for that. Autism is the hyper-masculine brain. It has enormous weak spots, but even bigger strengths, imo. When I look back on my life, I see countless women who wanted me to fuck them, and only me holding back from doing so. I couldn't recognize those moments. I may never have that ability, to be honest. I'll work on it. But more importantly, when I get serious with the next person, she will know me and more importantly, she will know herself. This was what I was missing before. I believe this is what my ex was missing as well.

I even sent her a message telling her this, knowing full well that she's going to try to run from that message right into self-destruction mode (which is exactly where I had to go). I sent this message out of tough love. I had to be the one to bring it to her, nobody else has the data vault of memories I have nor the power from past experiences I have. I know it was the right thing to do because I no longer care what the response is, if any - I fully expect a decade of nothing, because that's what I would've done in my old stupid brain, and she doesn't trust me.

But we have to be our best selves, even to those who treat us like shit, for the best life. Here's a quote from a stupid book a bunch of fucking idiots wrote a couple thousand years ago: "blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness". Stay on your personal path to financial, emotional, and intellectual freedom, brothers. Stay kind to others, as much as you can. If you hurt others, it will circle round and bite you in the ass just as the snake, Ouroboros. Everything will change with awareness and acceptance.

Only tears will get you here, contrary to what my abusive (autistic - who doesn't know he's autistic - like I was) father thought. He's been without sex my entire life (I am a symbol of the last time, how sad is that??? sigh), and he stayed with my mom for the family. While I admire his sacrifice, it's now obvious that I must pick up where Dad left off and go my own way. Acceptance is the very beginning of this.

Good luck, brothers. Perhaps your story is nothing like mine. Autistic people are just like normal people - we just tend to have more issues with compulsion control. I postulate that this looks different between the sexes and everyone on reddit is profoundly misunderstanding themselves due to how slowly emotions evolve in our lifetimes to show this fact - you'll likely understand ONLY once you've experienced trauma.

Citations for claims of Jesus being autistic and/or a profoundly misunderstood genius (NOT GOD, which I've interpreted to be "our imagination that allows us to comprehend frame of mind outside of ourselves", speaking as an autistic individual who really needed this ability to just go on living):

P.S. If any of this post was really, really interesting to you, it's remarkably possible that you, too, are probably on the spectrum, at least a little bit. What is fun is that we (WRONGLY) think of it as "autistic (dumb) / allistic (normal)" like "black, white" but THE WORLD IS GREY. Being unable to imagine it this way (without serious contemplative work, which is the only way I can now) is specifically the mark of an autistic brain and that's what I was doing! What a mindfuck!

Comments, questions, thoughts? It took me 35 years of pretending I was normal to realize that no, fuck no, I am not normal, LOL. All I have to do is think about my life path now. I am Magneto and this is fucking X-Men. Wake up, mutants. You get to write the rules now. Hell, I'm starting to think maybe "rapture" was just "war against autism" (which has looked like a war against "toxic patriarchy", war against "incels", war against "redpill", really they're all the same and fit under this potential umbrella, though many would argue it until emotional awareness is achieved independently per person through pain - crazy!). This is an absurd thought and probably stupid, but it's fun to imagine for some reason. Who cares if I'm wrong? It's just an idea - self-acceptance is the key that lets you be free with your (many) ideas! Time for some writing. :3