The Essence of Self Esteem

To trust one's mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem.

- Nathaniel Brandon

What do you think of yourself when you're by yourself? That is what matters most. Not your looks, your job, or what car you drive but the relationship you have with you (the Stoics would call this the relationship you have with your eudaimon, or your higher self).

The fact that you're reading this right now means that you've seen the matrix. You know the games being played around you. You already know what actions you need to take to snap out, but are you taking them? You might know what to do, but still not do what you know. This is called self-sabotage and it's a manifestation of low self esteem.

Within each man are two entities. One is motivated by and responds to the impulse of fear. The other is motivated and driven by the impulse of faith. When your decisions are dictated by the former, you become a beta-male drifter who is indecisive and controlled by circumstances outside of his own mind. When your decisions are motivated by the latter, you know what you want and feel confidently appropriate in your ability to get it.

Faith is definiteness of purpose backed by belief in the attainment of the object of that purpose.

-Napoleon Hill

What is life but a series of battles in narrowing the gap between where you are and where you're capable of being? To build self-esteem is to win these battles by consistently taking right action.

In The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon proposes six practices to help us live with more power, passion, and purpose. It is these six practices that I will talk about for the rest of this post.

1. The Practice of Living Consciously

To live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values, and goals, and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know.

To live consciously is to monitor your behaviour. You say you want to make more money, but are you consistently striving to provide more value to the marketplace? You say you want to get better with women, but are you consistently going out and talking to women? You say you want to become more disciplined, but are you consistently waking up at 5am and taking cold showers?

To live unconsciously is to live without purpose, without vision, and without direction. To live unconsciously is to live within the confines of the matrix as a bluepill beta-male.

To build the practice of living consciously, take some time to think. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life many of us are caught between one source of stimulus to the next without any time to pause and reflect on what we really want. This is where a mindfulness practice (meditation, deep breathing, long walks, etc.) can really help.

2. The Practice of Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.

Go look in a mirror. Stare deep in to your eyes, and say "I love you." How does that make you feel? I remember when I first did that, my voice was damp, I clearly didn't mean it, and I felt a weird crinkling sensation in my stomach - all signs that I was dealing with some serious emotional baggage. Having continued this practice, it is very different today. These days, I talk to myself in front of the mirror often, refer to myself as "bro," and give motivational pep-talks to myself whenever I need them.

Self-acceptance is being your own best friend. As Dr. Peterson writes in 12 Rules for Life:

Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.

3. The Practice of Self-Responsibility

To feel competent to live a life worthy of happiness, I need to experience a sense of control over my existence. This requires that I be willing to take responsibility for my actions and the attainment of my goals.

Uncle Ben told Peter Parker that with great power comes great responsibility. But the inverse of this statement is actually a more empowering belief to have - because with great responsibility comes great power. When you take responsibility for everything in your life, you grant yourself the power to change anything in your life.

Jesus died for the sins of the world. To enter Christ Consciousness, adopt the mentality that everything is your fault. If you aren't where you want to be in life, it's your fault. You are responsible for the achievement of your desires, so take ownership for developing an action plan.

4. The Practice of Self-Assertiveness

Self-assertiveness means honouring my wants, needs, and values and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality.

Your life does not belong to your father, mother, or anyone else for that matter. You are not here to live up to someone else's expectations. Self-assertiveness means setting intention and taking action in alignment with it. Without self-assertiveness you are a spectator, a mere pawn running on someone else's script.

To be the badass alpha male you were meant to be, you have to leap in to the arena and be willing to get your hands dirty.

5. The Practice of Living Purposely

To live purposefully is to use our powers for the attainment of goals we have selected. It is our goals that lead us forward, that call on the exercise of our faculties, that energize our existence.

Do you have your goals written down? No? Then you haven't given them a tangible place to live out in the world and they are not goals but dreams.

If you have your goals written down, are they specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-constrained? No? Then they are too vague and you will not be able to accurately assess whether or not you are moving in the right direction.

But setting SMART goals is only step #1. Goals serve as guiding posts that determine direction, but they are not something you have control over. The only things you have control over are your thoughts and behaviours. Step #2 is identifying the appropriate actions that will take you from here to there. Once you have the actions identified, step #3 is to monitor your behaviour and make sure to consistently be taking the actions identified in step #2. Step #4 is to monitor your progress and ensure that your actions are moving you in the right direction. For example, I like setting 3-month goals and always have weekly and monthly check-ins to make sure that my actions are the right ones. If I'm not making progress, that is a sign that I need to adjust my approach.

And once you achieve your goals, you realize that it wasn't the attainment of them that built your self-esteem but the self-discipline you developed in consistently keeping your word to yourself.

6. The Practice of Personal Integrity

Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, and behaviour. When our behaviour is congruent with our professed values, when ideals and practice match, we have integrity.

As mentioned earlier, most of us already know what to do. The problem, many times, is that we don't do what we know. When we behave in ways that go against our judgement of what we deem appropriate, that is when we lose self-respect.

Self sabotage is when you begin to act against your own self-interest. Habitual self-sabotage can be a slippery slope that leads to a dark hole of complete distrust in self.

Having personal integrity can be thought of as an alignment of your thoughts, words, and actions.

Call to Action: Navigate the Mazes of Your Mind With These Journal Prompts

I highly recommend you read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, but more importantly that you complete the following journal exercises for 5-days.

Journalling is like navigating the mazes of your mind, and if you can get this stuff down on paper, your thinking will be that much clearer and your actions will that much more precise:

Day 1
Living consciously means to me...
If I bring 5% more consciousness to my activities today...
If I pay more attention to how I deal with people today...
If I bring 5% more awareness to my most important relationships...
When I reflect on how I would feel if I lived more consciously...

Day 2
Self responsibility means to me...
Independence means to me...
Thinking for myself means...
Trusting my own mind means...
If any of what I wrote above is true . . .

Day 3
If I bring 5% more awareness to my most important relationships...
If I bring 5% more awareness to my insecurities...
If I bring 5% more awareness to my deepest needs and wants...
If I bring 5% more awareness to my emotions...

Day 4
Sometimes I keep myself passive when I...
Sometimes I make myself helpless when I...
If I avoid responsibility for my life and well being...
If I take 5% more responsibility for my life and well being...
If I take 5% more responsibility for the attainment of my goals...

Day 5
If I bring a higher level of self-esteem to my dealings today...
If I insist on living with impeccable integrity...
If I am 5% more self accepting today...
If I am 5% more conscious of my charisma goals...
If I were unafraid of failure...