Hey fellas,

again after years I'm checking in here. I have to admit, that maybe I should have followed closer. In my last few years I was having a pretty good life. 3 times a week I go to the boxing gym (now the 11th year in a row) and have a solid group of guys that motivate each other to get up goals and reach them. My job is doing fine and I got promoted a few weeks ago. In my free time I read fantasy novels when feeling very tired, or do motorcycle work with some friends as a balance to my desk job. I feel pretty good in my life. This reflects to the girls and the social circles I visit. Usually I have one or two girls on average for around 1,5 years by my side, that I let get along the path with me and that like it. Mostly travelling to nice places and cuddeling/fucking. It's sometimes an issue, that I never tell them that I love them or something, usually it's just a mention about a thing they did good and I like the smiley they put on for getting that. so far so good. nothing to complain.

Until 2 month back. There was a very good party going on. With bonfire, lots of booze and tenting involved in a large area and around 60 people. There I met a girl that caught my attention. I don't know what exactly it was, but it triggered something in me. I wanted to get a drink and she was infront of me in line at the booze station. I told that she should get 2 and I will pay for both, so I don't have to wait after she finished and be served immediately. Long story shortened. After a few hours we started making out and because fucking tents are too small I invited her over to get real 2 days later. Basically we met each other again and 20 minutes later we were directly in bed. Here the sad part of the story starts. I was thinking that this is the best sex I had since 15 years. And was motivated to have fun. Pulled out a few times to enlenghten the process, etc. We did this for several weeks and most of the time she slept over. I tried new and exciting things with her, which was very nice. But now 2 weeks ago, she started some talking about that she is just out of a marriage and not yet divorced. Which I knew and didn't care about, as she is living alone. Then she mentioned, that she was having one relationship after the other, never with free time in the meantime and wants to play around. Fuck as many men as possible to get the feeling of experiencing life. In that point something in me triggered and was thinking that I maybe could finally get over with my jealousy issues, that really suck. I read some online articles about how to get along with that. We had completely honest conversations, that I value a lot, and still think that she always told me the truth, but I did as well. And was open about my feeling. I thought this would be a way so we both look into the same direction. I asked her to tell me everything she experiences and (only now I see this) force her into an open relationship. Which is an relationship as well. I wanted commitmend. I wanted her to say "THIS is my man", even she experiences with other males. Some time passed and I must admit, that I got a rising inner feeling telling me, that no other girl fucked this good. And I was sure, she was laying on her back like the others, is not the perfectly looking girl, but fucking chemistry. My body was so much reacting to her. I was abled to get off four times after each other, my little friend still going strong. With all the girls in the years before it was nice to fuck, sure. But in that case it was driving me absolutely nuts and I made her scream a lot, which she liked too. Then it started. My mind wanted to tell her, that I'm in love with her. I had this deep inner feeling that I wanted to speak it out. And then I couldn't resist and did it. Multiple times (yes It's okay to throw rocks at me now, here...). One night I started with so much thought and anxiety, that I woke her up to babble about anything and everything regarding my feelings for her and so on. Some of this drama continued to happen. She was with another man in a camper van, doing a few days away and came back telling me, that she was thinking that she really doesn't want a relationship and I was thinking too, telling her, that I fucked another girl, but liked her better than the other girl. She again told me, that she does want to fuck as many other guys as she could. To feel alive.

Yesterday I started to understand, that I have to protect myself. I understood what I did wrong. That I want something she doesn't and I tried to force her into it. So I told her one last time, that I love her and we need to seperate, so she can fullfill her desired and I get mine fullfilled, which consist of 2 people working together to make it happen, instead of one wanting and one just being on the chase.

I never felt this much pain in years. The stomach hurts. Sometimes my belly fluids come up to say hello... And I'm still not sure about two things. Would this have been the same, if I kept up the frame from minute 1 onwards. And can this really be only chemistry. If yes, why is the chemistry only one sided and not both ways. It felt so good to tell somebody the deep inner feelings you have. But it fucks the relationship up so hard, I could never imagine...

So. This isn't the best story to celebrate TRP. But I hope this is helping some others to see, that we aren't all robots and fail from time to time, even everything went well so many years. Chemistry can really fuck you up and you need to consistently practice to avoid this.

I'm back here and I will re-start reminding this, so that if the next chemistry hits me. I am stronger and better prepared for that!

over and out.