Summary: The best defense against oneitis isn’t to remind yourself how much women suck or to kill your emotions. It’s to embrace your emotions and learn to actually like women, but like them appropriately.
A chronic problem for men who are not accustomed to having a lot of casual sex is over-investment. Colloquially, this situation is sometimes referred to as “oneitis”. When a man who isn’t usually successful with a woman is suddenly graced with the favor of sex with her, he convinces himself that this woman is special and he is in love. After all, in his universe, she is special. Every other woman on Earth won’t have sex with him, and this one woman will, which makes her special. So his mind begins to play tricks on him and convince him that in addition to the relatively minor fact that this woman chose to have sex with him, this woman is also outstandingly beautiful, kind, loyal, loving, or any other litany of positive traits. He is then surprised and extremely hurt when she doesn’t turn out to be an amazing girlfriend, or sometimes even a girlfriend at all, because in her universe, the fact that the two of them had sex isn’t that big of a deal. Many men desire sex with her. She has sex with many men. The fact that they were having sex was only special to him, not to her.
This tendency to over-invest is one of the reasons men who suck with women do poorly. If a woman is kind to a man who is not accustomed to having a lot of positive interactions with women, his mind will make a very big deal out of this interaction. After all, most women are not kind to him, so the fact that this one woman is being kind must make her special. Because she is special to him, he begins to invest time and attention and emotions and resources into this woman. The very fact that he invests too much too quickly is often what drives women away from him. An inappropriate level of investment that a woman has not earned is creepy. After all, the fact that she was kind to him is not special to her, only to him. Many men are kind to her. She is kind to many men. So in her mind, he is over-investing in her for no reason at all.
It is a deceptively difficult feat for a man that has been mostly unsuccessful with women for his entire life to suddenly stop over-investing. When sex and kindness from women have been extremely scarce for so long, our tendency is to dig in our heels and do whatever we can to keep a woman around, so we never have to go back to a life of sexlessness, unkindness, and loneliness. Obviously, that comes across as desperate, needy, and creepy behavior and can be the very reason we lose women who would otherwise continue to have sex with us and treat us well.
One way to attempt to overcome this self-defeating tendency to over-invest is to educate ourselves regarding the true nature of women, men, and intersexual dynamics. Once we learn how things actually work in the world of sex and relationships, we can spot bad patterns in our behavior and address them. For example, learning some basic “game” to help us emulate the tactics of guys who are part of the casual sex culture can go a long way toward increasing our success. Acting confident, aloof, uninvested, outcome-independent, and even a bit like an asshole tends to attract women, because these behaviors mimic an appropriate level of investment for a woman you’ve just met.
Other ways we attempt to defeat oneitis before it starts is to remind ourselves that women are opportunistic, manipulative, slutty, and dishonest. And that all women are like this. No woman is ever ours forever, no matter how we behave or how good-looking we are. It is only our turn until she finds someone else or gets bored. Part of the reason we adopt the “all women are like that” mentality is to help ourselves remain emotionally detached. To avoid feeling “love” for a woman, which is what would naturally occur if a man for whom sex has been scarce his entire life allowed his feelings to take their natural course. But one consequence of constantly reminding ourselves that women are opportunistic, manipulative, slutty, and dishonest is anger. Even hatred. In our effort to remain constantly aware of their negative traits and make sure we never place too much undue trust in a woman, we end up disliking them.
Men who have been having casual sex with women for most of their adult lives don’t hate women. And the slutty women they have sex with don’t hate those men. In fact, these people like each other. You’re supposed to like the people you have sex with. Not marry them, obviously. But like them. Enjoy them. Enjoy their company, their human characteristics, their behaviors. Have fun with them.
If sex were solely about the orgasm, we could masturbate and avoid dealing with women entirely. But sex is more than just the orgasm. Sex is all about the involvement of another human. Not just the validation or the sense of power, but also the fun and the human connection. Other humans can be fun. Every woman is unique. While most women share certain traits, obviously, it is fun to recognize the things that one particular woman has in common with most other women, as well as the things that set this one particular woman apart. To enjoy her as a human. To enjoy her company, the way she interacts with you, the way she fucks. To really let yourself like her.
It’s okay to like a woman who’s having sex with you. It’s okay to like a woman who’s kind to you. It’s okay to connect with another human being and enjoy it. It’s okay to let yourself feel things for a woman.
The best defense against oneitis for one particular woman isn’t to become some kind of stoic, aloof asshole who feels nothing for women and simply uses them as friction for his penis. Sure, that leads to orgasms and a sense of power and validation, but not a lot of fun or connections with humans. The best defense isn’t disliking women.
The best defense against oneitis is to allow ourselves to like the women we have sex with. All of them. When you have sex with ten different women and enjoy all of them as humans – the things they have in common, the things that make them unique, the things they do that are fun, and even the things they do that are annoying – then you are truly protected against over-investing in any particular woman. When you can learn to like somebody as a human and a sex partner, but appropriately, as just a human and a sex partner, not only do you avoid over-investment, but you also have better sex and better connections.
Many men complain about the emptiness of casual sex and find it unfulfilling. The fix to that is to have healthy casual relationships and actually connect with partners, enjoy them as humans, like them, and maybe even love them. But to learn to love appropriately, without over-investing. Don’t get married, but learn to love women for what they are and truly connect with them, and the sex is better and more fulfilling. Plus, you don't chase women off by being too invested. In fact, the lack of over-investment tends to get the women to chase you instead.